Porter56 Posted November 8, 2016 Share Posted November 8, 2016 Title pretty much sums it all up. It seems that in dating and relationships...we're concerned with "value" of ourselves in relation to the people we're attracted to. And in relationships/marriage we are concerned with the other person "meeting our needs" and so on and so forth. It seems to me...according to how people talk about each other, that relationships seem to be transactional in nature. We're only concerned with what we're getting out of the other person. What are your thoughts on this? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted November 8, 2016 Share Posted November 8, 2016 Title pretty much sums it all up. It seems that in dating and relationships...we're concerned with "value" of ourselves in relation to the people we're attracted to. And in relationships/marriage we are concerned with the other person "meeting our needs" and so on and so forth. It seems to me...according to how people talk about each other, that relationships seem to be transactional in nature. We're only concerned with what we're getting out of the other person. What are your thoughts on this? It should be reciprocal . . . I don't want to date someone who can't/won't meet my needs in a relationship. I also don't want to date someone for whom I can't give what they want and need. When you're evaluating a partner, you need to observe and understand their needs as well and decide whether you are capable of and want to meet them. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Toodaloo Posted November 8, 2016 Share Posted November 8, 2016 Of course it is transnational. Woudl you seriously marry someone who openly despises you and tells you on a frequent basis that your head should be mounted on a plaque on the wall for darts practice??? Extreme analogy but exact. There is absolutely no point in martyring yourself for people who just do not care about you. However there is very good reason to do the same for a person who does care about you... It is very simplistic when you get down to brass tacs. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SwordofFlame Posted November 8, 2016 Share Posted November 8, 2016 Title pretty much sums it all up. It seems that in dating and relationships...we're concerned with "value" of ourselves in relation to the people we're attracted to. And in relationships/marriage we are concerned with the other person "meeting our needs" and so on and so forth. It seems to me...according to how people talk about each other, that relationships seem to be transactional in nature. We're only concerned with what we're getting out of the other person. What are your thoughts on this? I agree. Most people usually want certain things from the other, and hopefully they give just as much as they receive too. It should be reciprocal. Link to post Share on other sites
RecentChange Posted November 8, 2016 Share Posted November 8, 2016 Yes of course. Relationships are about give and take. Give love to get love. Give support to get support. Do selfless things to get selfless things. It is a transaction, it is about BALANCE. Happy couples feel like they get more than they give in a relationship. Because when there is balance, when there is an abundance of love, the giving feels like getting. And when you are getting you want to give. When things get out of balance, when one feels like they are doing the giving and the other - rather than reciprocating with giving.... is perceived to be taking.... That is when resentments build, and relationships crumble. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Porter56 Posted November 8, 2016 Author Share Posted November 8, 2016 I like the replies honestly... I just feel like people aren't honest about what relationships/marriage is. You want to get something from someone plain and simple. But relationships are so frequently portrayed as being soooo special and sacred and blah blah blah. I don't buy it...referring to them as "transactional " is more honest about what is going on...I just wish you'd hear that more often. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted November 8, 2016 Share Posted November 8, 2016 I don't buy it...referring to them as "transactional " is more honest about what is going on...I just wish you'd hear that more often. Probably technically true. The irony is the real return comes when your focus moves from receiving to giving. "The love you take is equal to the love you make". Pretty much says it all ... Mr. Lucky 2 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted November 8, 2016 Share Posted November 8, 2016 Yes, and the earlier we learn it and how to make people feel good about transacting with us the better we do in life. Being attractive helps lubricate transactions but it's the early and ingrained style of quickly and correctly reading people and reciprocating in a manner which inures them that finds success, not just in romance but in all areas of human transaction. Watch successful people for examples. Successful people are those the group has approved as the style and type they support, validate and defend. Society is a group. A river. Go with the river or fight the river. It's an individual choice. Link to post Share on other sites
O'Malley Posted November 8, 2016 Share Posted November 8, 2016 But relationships are so frequently portrayed as being soooo special and sacred and blah blah blah. I don't buy it...referring to them as "transactional " is more honest about what is going on...I just wish you'd hear that more often. Transactional relationships prioritize the returns on an investment (whether the investment is emotional, sexual or time). Non-transactional relationships tend to prioritize the relationship itself. My take is that the best relationships - regardless if they're romantic, platonic or familial in nature - are special because a mutual effort is made by imperfect people to be loving, supportive and to imbue them with joy and meaning. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Buddhist Posted November 8, 2016 Share Posted November 8, 2016 Not all but I would say that yes the majority of relationships are like that. Unconditional love is a nice idea but very few people practice it. Even many parents practise a transactional kind of love with their children. As I said in another post by far the overwhelming majority of romantic relationships are about someone trying to fill their voids through another person. It's the prime motivation for seeking a partner, they are lonely, or they want sex etc. One I stopped looking to others for my completion and fulfillment I actually lost all desire for relationships of the romantic sort. It was clear I was driven by need even if I told myself nice stories about it. Humans are so emotionally un-evolved and basic that primal urges still drive much of our behaviour. Our intellectual side just rationalises it for us and we convince ourselves otherwise. Link to post Share on other sites
Gloria25 Posted November 8, 2016 Share Posted November 8, 2016 Oh wow, I'm sorry, but I don't see people as objects to fulfill mt whimsical and vain desires. No doubt that when we're out there looking for someone, of course we're gonna be concerned about them fitting what we need/desire...but for me it's not so dry and absolute. Like my vehicle, yes, I expect it to hold up, carry me here/there...but, do I run it into the ground? No, I perform regular maintenance and I get goosebumps out of happiness when I see it (or a similar vehicle) drive by. I also give freely. Pleasing the object of my affection "is" what makes me happy too. And guess what? If you're with the right person and both of you give w/o expectations...there's an endless exchange based on selflessness. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted November 8, 2016 Share Posted November 8, 2016 I like the replies honestly... I just feel like people aren't honest about what relationships/marriage is. You want to get something from someone plain and simple. But relationships are so frequently portrayed as being soooo special and sacred and blah blah blah. I don't buy it...referring to them as "transactional " is more honest about what is going on...I just wish you'd hear that more often. I think the word 'transactional' is wrong. To me, the word implies debits and credits. But I see a relationship as much more about giving than taking. Sure, we need to get our needs met, but in a good relationship, there should be far more credits than debits. Out of curiousity, do you see Christmas gift giving as being transactional? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
GunslingerRoland Posted November 8, 2016 Share Posted November 8, 2016 I wouldn't use the term transactional but I like how many others in this thread described it. The issue I have with that word is it implies that something is given for something else. If you give love to someone that isn't a transaction IMO because while you are "giving" something it isn't really something that you now have less of. Yes you need to get things out of a relationship, but you don't necessarily come out it, with more of A but less of B, in a good relationship both people come out with more of everything. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Toodaloo Posted November 9, 2016 Share Posted November 9, 2016 Transnational is probably the wrong word because its emotional transactions not financial ones... If you are in business and a sales man is over charging for his product you don't buy. If they are undercharging but not giving you good customer service you don't buy. Like it or not healthy relationships work the same way. You give and take. Its about balance and team work. The only difference is that its emotional and as humans we all have a tendency to get a bit defensive of our emotions. Quite rightly too. The people who get it right are the ones who don't bother with people who are over charging or not trustworthy. They find out and cut them out fast. When they meet people who are equally involved in them as they are then they invest in that relationship and give more to it as it grows... Those are the people we should be looking to emulate when dating. Cut through the crap and get to the crunch quicker. Hopes and dreams slow us all down though. Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted November 9, 2016 Share Posted November 9, 2016 I like the replies honestly... I just feel like people aren't honest about what relationships/marriage is. You want to get something from someone plain and simple. But relationships are so frequently portrayed as being soooo special and sacred and blah blah blah. I don't buy it...referring to them as "transactional " is more honest about what is going on...I just wish you'd hear that more often. I don't think that people aren't honest about what relationships/marriage are . . . most are just plain clueless and/or deluding themselves in terms of expectations and what a successful relationship/marriage looks like, and/or emotionally lazy, jaded, short-sighted, selfish and/or hung up on immediate gratification. What they aren't honest with is -- themselves . . . they often seek everything they need from someone else because they aren't or can't/don't want to make themselves happy which puts a ton of burden on a potential partner. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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