Dating someone who hasn't dated in 3+ years

[hawks1988]

I met someone online who hasn't dated in over 3 years. She had her son 3 years ago and the baby daddy is out of the picture. She hasn't been on a date in three years and we're going out Friday night. I'm 40 and she's 35.

 

Not going to lie, I suck at the "rules" of dating especially in the early stages. She's flat out told me she's not talking to anyone but me and she is in to me. I am not talking to any other people either. We have so much in common it's insanely crazy. If there is chemistry there when we meet on Friday, I could see us in a LTR for sure.

 

So here's where I need everyone's advice on here...how do I play this? I don't want to come on too strong and scare her off..she seems like she's a great person. We've been texting and talking constantly for the last three days.

 

So what do I do to show her that I'm interested but at the same time not come on too strong?

 

Any advice is greatly appreciated

Thanks

[Gaeta]

Wonderful ! you met a woman that took time alone after her last split! which means she won't carry her old problems into this current relationship and won't compare you to her last guy.

 

Just play it by ear. You show your interest by spending time together. Take her out a couple of times a week, take interest in her, her hobbies, her role as a mother, her job etc. Then slowly let it escalate. Don't bombard her with texting. Just touch base with her daily if you both like it and then always have plans to see each other.

[JoeSmith357-1]

Since she's not been in a relationship for some time, I kind of doubt you can scare her off. I don't believe in the "rules", if there's chemistry, go with it.

 

Be aware though, she has a young child, she will have issues with time commitments, dating will be difficult and will involve the kid.

 

This is a huge turn off for some people, and even people who can deal with it have to adjust to just not being able to go off and do stuff. Hopefully she has family locally who can babysit.

 

Dating a single mom has issues you will find all about. Not sure how you feel about wanting children too.

[JoeSmith357-1]

Oh, also, believe me, not having the baby daddy in the picture is a GOOD thing for you

[sunshine2]

I would add not to put to much pressure on this first meeting. I have had many good connections over text or OLD chat that didn't turn out great. No chemistry in person. So just relax, meet and see how it goes. Do not bring any flowers or gifts, just offer to pay for her coffee or drink if thats what you are doing. Talk and see how it flows and have fun.

[BaileyB]

Just get to know her and have some fun with her.

 

It's great that she took some time to hopefully deal with her past relationship and raise her son. Hopefully, she is really ready to bring someone into her life. Just be kind and get to know her - it will happen as it should from there...

 

Good luck!

[Sunkissedpatio]

So here's where I need everyone's advice on here...how do I play this? I don't want to come on too strong and scare her off..she seems like she's a great person. We've been texting and talking constantly for the last three days.

 

Not "playing" anything would be a good start. I know it's just using those words loosely but the fact you are overthinking this already, thinking of how to play it, thinking of the fact that you don't want to follow rules, etc. is giving too much importance that she was single for 3 years and hasn't dated. It's actually a very good thing since she is now likely ready for the full deal.

 

So do what you would normally do when you date someone by observing and adjusting your behaviour to what you learn about her. And don't overthink your actions too much.

 

 

In a few weeks' time you might discover she wants to move things along steadily. You never know. Best way to approach it is to listen and watch for her actions and to be respectful of her requests. The rest can be figured out together.

[alphamale]

So what do I do to show her that I'm interested but at the same time not come on too strong?

 

well....first of all chill out, you haven't even met her yet

[hawks1988]

Since she's not been in a relationship for some time, I kind of doubt you can scare her off. I don't believe in the "rules", if there's chemistry, go with it.

 

Be aware though, she has a young child, she will have issues with time commitments, dating will be difficult and will involve the kid.

 

This is a huge turn off for some people, and even people who can deal with it have to adjust to just not being able to go off and do stuff. Hopefully she has family locally who can babysit.

 

Dating a single mom has issues you will find all about. Not sure how you feel about wanting children too.

 

Her mom and dad live literally down the street. So that's a plus. I myself don't have children and have dated women with children and that's never the issue.

[hawks1988]

 

Dating a single mom has issues you will find all about. Not sure how you feel about wanting children too.

 

She does not want another child. I'm ok with not having kids.

[JoeSmith357-1]

Her mom and dad live literally down the street. So that's a plus. I myself don't have children and have dated women with children and that's never the issue.

 

I'm roughly the same age as you, and know the reality of dating at our age, it's almost a given that whomever you date will have kids, if they don't, there's usually some reason (total headcase) why...

[hawks1988]

. Don't bombard her with texting. Just touch base with her daily if you both like it and then always have plans to see each other.

 

Well like yesterday..I didn't text her first, she messaged me good morning when I was at work. Then we just texted throughout the day until we went to bed.

[Zapbasket]

I'm roughly the same age as you, and know the reality of dating at our age, it's almost a given that whomever you date will have kids, if they don't, there's usually some reason (total headcase) why...

 

I don't think that's fair to say at all. I'm 40, single, no kids, and it's not because I don't want them or didn't want them, or because I'm a "headcase." My long-term relationships simply didn't work out. In all of them I was a committed, loyal partner. If anything, thanks to me, they all lasted far longer than objectively they "should" have. What was "wrong" with me was that I didn't believe I deserved better than partners who only had a toe in and who hated emotional intimacy. I've been single for three years now, too, working on myself so that I don't make the same mistakes as in the past. While of course I'm not perfect, I think I make a pretty awesome catch, overall, so for someone to discount me simply because I don't have kids would be a huge mistake.

 

I think it's a huge mistake to go into dating after age 35 or so thinking that if someone doesn't have X or Y it must mean they're damaged, or a failure, etc. Sometimes, life just doesn't work out the way you hoped, period. At this age, we all have baggage, disappointments, etc.--the difference between a healthy partner and "damaged goods" is whether a potential partner has learned anything from their baggage and is actively seeking continued growth.

 

OP, just relax. Focus on getting to know her. If you really have the chemistry your interactions online suggest, then the evening should flow without a hitch.

[Dark Horse]

3 YEARS?! 3 LONG YEARS?! -Gasp- That's such a friggin long time to not date, that must be eternity!

 

and yes i'm being sarcastic...

 

 

 

Complaining about being single for 3 years? Please... Try going almost 22 years.

[JoeSmith357-1]

I don't think that's fair to say at all. I'm 40, single, no kids, and it's not because I don't want them or didn't want them, or because I'm a "headcase." My long-term relationships simply didn't work out. In all of them I was a committed, loyal partner. If anything, thanks to me, they all lasted far longer than objectively they "should" have. What was "wrong" with me was that I didn't believe I deserved better than partners who only had a toe in and who hated emotional intimacy. I've been single for three years now, too, working on myself so that I don't make the same mistakes as in the past. While of course I'm not perfect, I think I make a pretty awesome catch, overall, so for someone to discount me simply because I don't have kids would be a huge mistake.

 

I'm just telling you what I see out there in the real world. If, by 40, and you have not married and had kids, chances are, it's not "everyone else".

 

Not trying to insult you, and as with everything there are examples where this is not the case.

 

I think it's a huge mistake to go into dating after age 35 or so thinking that if someone doesn't have X or Y it must mean they're damaged, or a failure, etc. Sometimes, life just doesn't work out the way you hoped, period. At this age, we all have baggage, disappointments, etc.--the difference between a healthy partner and "damaged goods" is whether a potential partner has learned anything from their baggage and is actively seeking continued growth.

 

Damaged goods is a little strong, and speaking for myself, I may give it a shot. Usually in situations where the woman is a headcase, it becomes READILY APPARENT very quickly...

 

But alas, this thread is not about this, so I digress

[hawks1988]

Not "playing" anything would be a good start. I know it's just using those words loosely but the fact you are overthinking this already, thinking of how to play it, thinking of the fact that you don't want to follow rules, etc. is giving too much importance that she was single for 3 years and hasn't dated. It's actually a very good thing since she is now likely ready for the full deal.

 

.

 

You're right I'm totally overthinking this. The last time I had a good feeling about someone before I met them, I wound up dating her for 4 years. This is very reminiscent of what happened to me before. I normally overthink things but its worse this time around.

[chphan]

 

Complaining about being single for 3 years? Please... Try going almost 22 years.

 

LOL. Everyone is always short sighted and not realizing that out there in the real world, there's always someone else that is probably worst off then them.

[Zapbasket]

I'm just telling you what I see out there in the real world. If, by 40, and you have not married and had kids, chances are, it's not "everyone else".

 

Not sure if you are implying I said it was "everyone else," or if you are just speaking in general. I did say I dragged out relationships longer than I should have, and I said I've taken time alone to sort that out.

 

And if someone is 35-40+ and in the past they had issues that kept them from having a successful relationship, so what?--as long as they developed the self-awareness to see their part in the problem and have learned their lesson. We're human. No one goes into relationships perfectly developed at having relationships. It might seem like a married couple has the relationship bit dialed in, but a) that's the result of TWO people, never one; and b) you can never know from the outside what kind of marriage people have. Only they know.

 

OP, maybe one thing you can ask her about is what, if anything, she learned about herself during her three years of being single? Her answer should tell you a lot about her level of self-awareness, her depth and maturity, and what things are important to her.

[hawks1988]

We had our date last night. I was instantly attracted to her. We hugged for a good minute. She smelled so damn good and she is so pretty. Went to dinner at a local tavern, but neither of us drank alcohol.

 

At the end of the night I walked her to her car. She commented how she liked my cologne I had on. We hugged again (like a long embrace) and we just looked into each other's eyes and we kissed. Not like a quick peck but not like a long make out session.

 

I went home, about an hour later she texted me and said she had a really nice time with me and she wants to see me again. We made plans during our date when it was evident there was a mutual attraction there. But a lot of her plans are contingent on if her parents (who live nearby) can watch her son.

 

She said she's looking forward to seeing me again but is in no rush to jump into something because it's a little scary for her because she hasn't dated in years. She said a lot of really nice things about me in her texts to me last night (like how she loved kissing me and now nice I looked and how good I smelled, etc) but she also said she is attracted to me but I'm not usually the type of guy she goes for. I'm more clean cut and she goes more for the bad boy douchebag guys. But she also said that my kindness and sweetness toward her is part of the reason she is attracted to me.

 

It sounds like she is interested. We are texting today too. Am I wrong here? Does it sound like she's interested or am I just panicking for no reason and reading into **** like I usually do?

[GoreSP]

I was single/had a few flings for 6 years. Got right into a serious relationship a few months ago and things are going well.

 

I felt like I spent those years figuring myself out and was ready to commit (also 35).

 

Also, bonus is you won't have to deal with a recent ex...

[Gaeta]

It sounds like she is interested. We are texting today too. Am I wrong here? Does it sound like she's interested or am I just panicking for no reason and reading into **** like I usually do?

 

What are you panicking about exactly?

 

Yes she is interested. My bf is also not the type I usually go for and I was swept away by his kindness and gentleman ways. The difference is I didn't tell him to his face when we met. I think she shared a little too much info with you but that's only because she has not dated for a while and she's rusted in that department.

 

Now, make plans for your next date. Take it one date at a time and reassess in 5-6 dates or a month. Usually by that time you know if you're interested in dating exclusively or not.

[SpiralOut]

Yeah, it sounds like she is into you. I would take it as a compliment that she doesn't usually go for your type, since she usually dates "douchebags," as she put it. She probably realized that she deserves to be treated properly, which is a good thing.

[hawks1988]

Yeah, it sounds like she is into you. I would take it as a compliment that she doesn't usually go for your type, since she usually dates "douchebags," as she put it. She probably realized that she deserves to be treated properly, which is a good thing.

 

She even told me last night that I paid her more compliments since I've known her than her last BF (the dude she dated 3 years ago) did in the two years they were together.

 

Yeah I was kind of taken aback when she said she doesn't go for guys like me usually. But compared to her ex, I'm a freaking saint.

[hawks1988]

What are you panicking about exactly?

 

Yes she is interested. My bf is also not the type I usually go for and I was swept away by his kindness and gentleman ways. The difference is I didn't tell him to his face when we met. I think she shared a little too much info with you but that's only because she has not dated for a while and she's rusted in that department.

 

Now, make plans for your next date. Take it one date at a time and reassess in 5-6 dates or a month. Usually by that time you know if you're interested in dating exclusively or not.

 

I think I was worried when she said she wants to go slow. For whatever reason I took that as a sign that she's not interested. I'm coming down off the ledge though, thank you

 

One date at a time, just like you said. I'll ask her if she's free tomorrow (she was going to check with her parents but hasn't got back to me yet) this evening if she doesn't say anything. IF she is free, cool...if not we can plan something at another time.

 

She also told me she loves it when I message her first thing in the morning. I sent her a cute good morning text today and she told me how much it made her smile. She's a really sweet girl. I can see myself with her long term... one date at a time though

[Gaeta]

She even told me last night that I paid her more compliments since I've known her than her last BF (the dude she dated 3 years ago) did in the two years they were together.

 

Yeah I was kind of taken aback when she said she doesn't go for guys like me usually. But compared to her ex, I'm a freaking saint.

 

That comment I am less crazy about. She should not be mentioning her ex of 3 years ago and even less comparing you to him. Lets put it all on she has not dated in a while although I did not date for 7 years and even I knew to not bring up exs during a first date.