Why I ask/wonder "why are you still single"

[elaine567]

You'd kind of figure they would give a guy a shot if they are seeing the same faces of the men that send them emails. Sure, I'll follow up with an email if they've been on the site forever, but still...nada.

 

It doesn't work that way, and why should it?

People like what they like.

Many women are very happy being single and so no longer NEED a man in their lives.

Their filters have been developed over years and they do not need to give an "undesired" man "a chance" any more. They know what they want and what they don't want, and some will prefer to hold out for that dream guy.

They are therefore not scrabbling about accepting any guy that shows them the least bit of interest.

What turned them off originally tends to stick, so if she didn't like what you were offering then, she will probably not be turned on now.

Yes, there will be women totally unrealistic as to what man they can get and that is true for some men too, but when you are up against what some women view as "blissful" single-hood, it is going to be an uphill struggle.

 

Sunkissedpatio makes a good point, it does go both ways "Why is he still single? What is wrong with him?" is a question women ask too.

[LookAtThisPOst]

It doesn't work that way, and why should it?

People like what they like.

Many women are very happy being single and so no longer NEED a man in their lives.

Their filters have been developed over years and they do not need to give an "undesired" man "a chance" any more. They know what they want and what they don't want, and some will prefer to hold out for that dream guy.

They are therefore not scrabbling about accepting any guy that shows them the least bit of interest.

What turned them off originally tends to stick, so if she didn't like what you were offering then, she will probably not be turned on now.

Yes, there will be women totally unrealistic as to what man they can get and that is true for some men too, but when you are up against what some women view as "blissful" single-hood, it is going to be an uphill struggle.

 

I'm glad you brought this up, because I'd sometimes see women start to complain IN their profiles, "Why can't I meet any decent guys here!" or they would announce in their profile (bad mistake on their part by the way, as it sounds kind of pathetic)

 

So obviously they aren't "blissfully" single as you so put it. So basically, you can't complain about your singlehood on a dating profile, and consider yourself completely "blissful."

 

And I"m thinking, "Hey, if you gave me a shot, then you wouldn't be this situation"

 

"This is my 2nd or 3rd time on this site, trying it again...had to take a break from the jerks I keep meeting here." or something to that effect of being return or 3 time "offenders" Hard to feel sorry for them when they complain about their single situation right IN their profile.

 

Sunkissedpatio makes a good point, it does go both ways "Why is he still single? What is wrong with him?" is a question women ask too.

 

Not sure if you saw the rest of my prior post, but I said I was single because they refuse to respond to my emails. Kind of a back-and-forth/chicken or the egg situation.

[NJ123]

It doesn't work that way, and why should it?

People like what they like.

Many women are very happy being single and so no longer NEED a man in their lives.

Their filters have been developed over years and they do not need to give an "undesired" man "a chance" any more. They know what they want and what they don't want, and some will prefer to hold out for that dream guy.

They are therefore not scrabbling about accepting any guy that shows them the least bit of interest.

What turned them off originally tends to stick, so if she didn't like what you were offering then, she will probably not be turned on now.

Yes, there will be women totally unrealistic as to what man they can get and that is true for some men too, but when you are up against what some women view as "blissful" single-hood, it is going to be an uphill struggle.

 

Sunkissedpatio makes a good point, it does go both ways "Why is he still single? What is wrong with him?" is a question women ask too.

 

Yeah, and that's why a lot of them stay single into their mid-late 30s even if they could meet a legitimately good guy. But they don't want that, especially not through online dating. They want guys that possess qualities that probably only 1 out of every 500 men have. Also, a lot of women could be happy because they know they could easily get dates so they have no problem holding out since they know in the back of their mind they have so many options. Most men have to almost take what they can get in terms of getting dates with women they actually find attractive.

Edited November 11, 2016 by NJ123

[LookAtThisPOst]

Yeah, and that's why a lot of them stay single into their mid-late 30s even if they could meet a legitimately good guy. But they don't want that, especially not through online dating. They want guys that possess qualities that probably only 1 out of every 500 men have. Also, a lot of women could be happy because they know they could easily get dates so they have no problem holding out since they know in the back of their mind they have so many options. Most men have to almost take what they can get in terms of getting dates with women they actually find attractive.

 

Yeah, you and a woman could be stranded on a deserted island, and she would choose not to share a shade tree with you because she'll find the shade tree more desirable.

[NJ123]

Yeah, you and a woman could be stranded on a deserted island, and she would choose not to share a shade tree with you because she'll find the shade tree more desirable.

 

Sad, but likely true. I just don't know what women actually want these days. But obviously I'll likely never be it unless I settle for anyone. Luckily, I deleted all dating apps so it's helping me not worry about it as much as I did. But due to human nature I'm always going to see women I find attractive when out somewhere so it's always going to be on my mind at one point or another. I just want to try to only think about it to a minimum instead of it bothering me everyday.

Edited November 11, 2016 by NJ123

[spiderowl]

I think if guys could see a dating site as a chance to get to know a new woman rather than a site to get sex, they would do a lot better.

[LookAtThisPOst]

I think if guys could see a dating site as a chance to get to know a new woman rather than a site to get sex, they would do a lot better.

 

Well, some of us are not THOSE guys, so... still not happenin' for some us non-sex obsessed guys.

[Mysterio]

Here is my time line. 15 to 24. I did not care. I had GF's. Not a lot, but 3. They more or less came to me.

 

Sidenote. The women that express romantic feeling for me. When it comes to physical affection. It was in abundance.

 

24 to my now 45 yrs this yr. If I had to grade it. Its been like C+. I have yet to really be in love and committed to the point of them meeting my parents and brother.

 

I am holding out for a great woman that is really into me and we are at least 80/90 % compatable.

 

When I see my friends in their relationship. The ones that I see that are making it. More or less. The key ingreedient from the males is that they were focused with each other and got married soon after.

 

When I look at myself. The ones that seem to go better are the women that basically come to me romanticaly and I am not the driving force. I have a better time with them. The ones I go for. They all have some sort of blockage that makes it hard to maintain over the long road.

 

In the end. I need a woman that is more the Girl Next Door type. Non glam and just more down to earth. Warmth and kindness now mean more to me. Than being glamed up and dressed to the nines/

 

I think Prayer and meditation is going to be more helpful to me than a dating site.

[MissBee]

I meet what appears to be a great catch on paper.

 

But then I wonder if they are so great why are they still single? If someone is a good catch they would be noticed by lots of people and asked out, scooped up fast.

Surely there has to be a logical reason

 

If a person is in their (30 years old +)and never married or never been close to getting married, no serious long term relationships, it makes me wonder why ?

 

I look at the people around me, family , friends, or even girls I tried messaging on OLD months or even years ago. ...notice they are still there

 

Youngish, pretty , fit, accomplished girls ( since I don't check out dude profiles ).... been active on the site for 6+ months, if you are actively looking and you keep remaining single you either are too unreasonable in what you are trying to find or you have a bad personality which makes you hard to deal with ( in my opinion)

 

I have been set up a few times, introduced to people and I think wow how can this person be single ?

It's only when I get to know them do I understand either they have unreasonable expectations or are just too difficult to deal with

 

If a guy is broke it makes it hard for him to date, settle down so I can understand, I myself prefer to be getting paid more so i can date with more comfort and pay for things easier

 

Relationship and finding someone need compromise and flexibility, otherwise they deserve to be single

 

It's too simplistic to think this way frankly.

 

It also plays into this notion that everyone's goal in life is to be in a couple and only those coupled (and by extension married, "the ultimate couple") are truly happy, normal, people and single folks are never single by choice or just by circumstance but must have some pathology or defect why.

 

This is rubbish thinking IMO and is one product of a society that sells romantic love as the ultimate thing, regardless of the true state of what that means.

 

You can be an absolutely horrible person and be married or in a relationship. Your logic would imply that the ONLY single people are those who are awful people/unreasonable etc but this is not true. Many horrible, dim-witted, selfish, insane, unreasonable people are married everyday. Being in a couple means you and another person decided to be involved for whatever reason...it says nothing about your worth or if you are a good person or anything at all.

 

Similarly, being single, you can be a shytty person and be single and your singleness may or may not be related or you can be a good catch and also single for all sorts of reasons, one of which is, you also haven't chosen to be with someone for your own reasons.

[ZA Dater]

I think this is a complicated topic.

 

 

Take someone who has never had a relationship ever. People do wonder, its human nature. However, you wont ever know for certain, with some people its obvious others not.

 

 

A lot of people I think become victim of circumstance, failure breeds to cynicism which in turn drains confidence away.

 

 

Mostly the people have jaded expectations I think.

[Kayley]

Hmmm....I can't say I've thought about this before.

 

I'm 24 & was single by choice for about 3 years. I had a couple of dates but as I'd been in a 2 & a half year emotionally & starting to become physically abusive relationship I was absolutely not ready to get into another relationship for a long time because I needed to recover from that.

 

Met a guy in the summer, had a very short relationship and have realised that even after all this time, I don't think I've fully recovered.

[GravityMan]

It's normal to wonder why someone is "still this" or "still that", including wondering why someone is still single. Curiosity is human nature, and most people tend to be more curious about things that are (or at least perceived as) unusual. However, I think it's rather rude and insensitive to actually ask someone "why are you still single?" in the first place, especially if the question is asked in a blunt way.

 

There are hundreds of varied reasons why some people are single into their late 20s, 30s and beyond. Some reasons are good, some are bad, some are neutral. Perhaps their current busy lifestyle isn't well suited for a relationship. Or maybe they're emotionally unavailable. Perhaps they're living in a place where singles older than 25 are rare. Or maybe they've just haven't met the right person yet. Last but not least...some folks just prefer the single life.

 

Good looks, fitness and accomplishments...those things matter and help, but some people (including you, OP) put way too much stock in them. Some people seem great superficially, but once you get to know them a bit you'll sense some darkness under the surface.

 

BTW, there are plenty of bad people out there who have pretty much ALWAYS been in relationships their entire adult life. And there are lots of folks out there who are in relationships for ill-advised or naive reasons.

 

People and especially their emotions/feelings are often complicated...especially when it comes to sensitive topics (e.g. intimacy). Therefore I think it's unwise to think too hard about why someone is still single. People like what they like...deal with it.

[GoodOnPaper]

I meet what appears to be a great catch on paper.

 

But then I wonder if they are so great why are they still single? If someone is a good catch they would be noticed by lots of people and asked out, scooped up fast.

Surely there has to be a logical reason

 

Don't outthink yourself - be glad there are actually attractive single girls. Make each prove on an individual basis that she is selfish, unreasonable, etc. Back in my day - before OLD - as soon as I graduated from college, all of a sudden no one was single. Or at least admitted that to me. My wife got her foot in the door largely because she was the first woman I met in a year that didn't mention a boyfriend or fiance 60 seconds into our first conversation.

 

Not that I am in the market, but anytime I meet someone who might get the infatuation adrenaline going through being really attractive or having a very captivating personality, she's married. But still, I know a few women here and there that I find very surprising that they are single.

[Mysterio]

A couple of other things to throw out there. I think having no Friends is way worse than not having a SO. We came in alone into this world. We go out that way as well.

 

I think having no Friends in this world and family as well. Is really the worst feeling in the world.

 

I really want the women that I can grow and have a warm loving relationship is out there for me. Its just a matter of putting it together that is the hard part. I also think that it has to due with how people resonate with each other.

 

There are Co-workers that I click with better than some. Its just the way things are. I also get this vibe that the reason people want relationships is because its a part of our happiness. Its just supposed to make us happy for the most part.

 

I don't have a problem being single. I have more of a problem dating. I wish it was more fun and more were into it.

 

This is the way I see it. Man and Woman meet and are romantically/sexually attracted to each other. They get a little bump in that way being together and forging on as a couple. Its slightly wears off and now you have some hybrid of being Lovers and Friends. Which is a better fit for the most part.

 

If you want to have all the honeymoon feelings. One is going to have to date and break up and find another person and keep recycling that aspect of their lives.

[Mysterio]

I also think of this factor as well. We are all living longer. Our lives our more dynamic.

 

I break it down like this. 20 % of us are going to have it straight forward cut and dry. Meet and marry and stay that way until one of us dies in our 80's.

 

The other 20 % are never going to have anything at all and be single for life.

 

60% of us are going to in and out of romantic relationships.

 

Thats as simplistic as I can put it. Also there are some various ways to increase or decrease the success of your personal romantic relationship.

 

For me as it stands and looking at friends and family. All the People I know that met their SO and had sex and a pregnancy occured. They to this day had rougher waters to go through. As opposed to those that went out for at least 4 yrs and did not get pregnant and did not live together before marriage and are still together. I don't know what the factor is on why the couples that abstained from sex before marriage or made sure birth control was dilligent in their private time. That they stayed strong.

[Newcitygirl]

I have been single since June 2013. I dated an guy who had PTSD and he moved mountains for me. Things ended differently than planned. It was hard for me. I tried dating but it was not the same. I swore off dating the rest of the 2-3 years. I then recently moved to a new city. I tried dating this guy, but realized it was more for loneliness, not because I actually wanted someone. Don't get me wrong I want to find a great boyfriend. I need to focus on meeting people and creating a good community first. I'm willing to wait for the perfect boyfriend.

[NJ123]

I also think of this factor as well. We are all living longer. Our lives our more dynamic.

 

I break it down like this. 20 % of us are going to have it straight forward cut and dry. Meet and marry and stay that way until one of us dies in our 80's.

 

The other 20 % are never going to have anything at all and be single for life.

 

60% of us are going to in and out of romantic relationships.

 

Thats as simplistic as I can put it. Also there are some various ways to increase or decrease the success of your personal romantic relationship.

 

For me as it stands and looking at friends and family. All the People I know that met their SO and had sex and a pregnancy occured. They to this day had rougher waters to go through. As opposed to those that went out for at least 4 yrs and did not get pregnant and did not live together before marriage and are still together. I don't know what the factor is on why the couples that abstained from sex before marriage or made sure birth control was dilligent in their private time. That they stayed strong.

 

Harsh to say but true. I'm probably in that 20% that's likely going to be single for life. It's kind of scary to have read about some guys being in their 40s or 50s & never had a girlfriend before. I might wind up in that situation unless a miracle happens.

[Weezy1973]

I think the truth is if you want to be in a meaningful, long term relationship and you really struggle to find someone to be in one with, there likely are underlying causes. Perhaps you did not have a good example of a healthy relationship growing up and therefore continuously make poor choices. Perhaps you have a social anxiety disorder preventing you from taking the necessary risks associated with dating and relationships. Or maybe you struggle with self worth which would be a major roadblock when it comes to healthy relationships.

 

Whatever the case, the vast majority of people that want to be in a relationship, are indeed in one. Those that can't, have to do some introspection and find the underlying reason or reasons and deal with those before they try to start dating...then, and only then, will they likely find success...

[Mysterio]

Another thing to think about is this. Sometimes life brings you situations and you have to determine if its for you.

 

My friend J met his GF. She has bi polar/leg problems. On the outs with her son's father and does not have custody problems. Has Anxiety and does not have a high school diploma yet she is in in adult education and her problems are so severe she can't even work. Even the school thing is a challenge. On his side. He is separated from his wife and there is no sign of Divorce. he claims its too expensive.

 

J can't stand being alone in that area of his life. So he will be with his GF until it falls off. She does not like that he is still legally married. Hope the best for them.

 

My other buddy G is on year 4 as of Feb 2017 with his GF F. They are expecting their second child. F is still legally married to her ex and has two teenagers. F can't get her Divorce because her ex is difficult. They are year 8 of their separation. G has no idea of what the hold up is. This is due to G being non confrontational and going with the flow.

 

For me. Both those cases would not work for me. So until I meet a woman that is warm and kind to me and desires me in a romantic way and vice versa. I will stay single.

 

To me being single means that you have the ultimate say in your life. You may just not get physical affection on a regular basis. Thats it. Its not a death sentence or plague on my life. I still go out and see rock concerts/movies/resturants/family/friends/work out.

 

I will only date a single/widowed/divorced woman with out kids. The same version with one kid or two max. Thats it. Separated. A divorce would have to be eminent within the year. No living together and no oops or pregnancy as well.

 

When I am 60. If I am single. I will reevaluate.

[OatsAndHall]

I am single at 36 because:

 

a) I was in college for a very long time, working my way towards my career. I dated and had a few committed relationships but they didn't pan out because I was in a long transitional point in my life, trying to get the education I wanted.

 

b) I spent six years trying to make a relationship work with a toxic woman. I was no prize husband, by any means, but I ignored the serious red flags that inevitably led to my divorce.

 

c) I am an introverted person, I don't enjoy many social scenes, and I only have a few close friends. So, I get lonely and I look to fill that loneliness with a relationship which becomes co-dependent and isn't healthy. I have have had to take a step back from relationships, make more friends, and find more social activities that I enjoy.

[NuevoYorko]

Women aren't there to be "scooped up" by men. They are choosing men. If they haven't found one that they want to be in a relationship with who has ALSO chosen them, they're going to be single; at least if they're healthy people.

 

It's not healthy for a person to be passive in something as important as choosing a partner. Somebody who is great but who allows herself to be "scooped up" rather than doing her own choosing is likely to have some issues. A person who can't be ok on their own, even if they really want to find someone, isn't someone I would seek out, personally.

 

There are many women with whom you are not going to have a relationship and the reasons will be many; you might not click, she might not like you, you might not like her, or she might legitimately be a woman who sends men running for the hills because of her faults. All you can do is get to know a woman and see what happens. If the two of you click, you will come to know why you found her single.

 

Please avoid falling into this mental trap that is demonstrated very nicely right here on this thread: that there is something the matter with women who would prefer to be on their own than date men whom they do not like. There is nothing wrong with it; it's healthy. After all, you're single. Isn't that better than spending your time with a woman you have zero interest in or who might even turn you way off?

[ZA Dater]

 

Whatever the case, the vast majority of people that want to be in a relationship, are indeed in one. Those that can't, have to do some introspection and find the underlying reason or reasons and deal with those before they try to start dating...then, and only then, will they likely find success...

 

I think there is a degree of truth but its also true to say some people either have it or they simply don't.

 

When I look around at those who do find success the jaded part of me always says their success is never derived primarily by intangibles.

 

You can be a good person and have no success whatsoever and you can be a truly awful person with many tangibles and enjoy huge success, bought success albeit. Its a terrible thing to say but I am of the opinion most dating relies on the ability of the guy to simply buy the interest of the lady to some degree, be it fancy dinners, shopping, his own status in life.

 

There are usually reasons people are single, many are out of step with society in some way or other and that's pretty much dating suicide in my opinion.

[JuneJulySeptember]

I think there is a degree of truth but its also true to say some people either have it or they simply don't.

 

When I look around at those who do find success the jaded part of me always says their success is never derived primarily by intangibles.

 

You can be a good person and have no success whatsoever and you can be a truly awful person with many tangibles and enjoy huge success, bought success albeit. Its a terrible thing to say but I am of the opinion most dating relies on the ability of the guy to simply buy the interest of the lady to some degree, be it fancy dinners, shopping, his own status in life.

 

There are usually reasons people are single, many are out of step with society in some way or other and that's pretty much dating suicide in my opinion.

 

That is true of most walks of life, including being successful at work (i.e. making a lot of $).

 

The most successful people at companies are rarely ever the nicest people. And there's a reason. You don't sell stuff to people by being a nice guy and considering saving them money as your priority. Nice guys teach 8th grade in lower income areas and make 45K a year.

 

The upside is that if a woman decides she wants a nice guy first and foremost, she wont be bothered with all of the nonsense of how good looking, tall, successful, or cool a guy is and how much status he has. She'll have it in her mind the kind of guy she wants.

 

And a lot of times, people think this way regardless of what they look like.

 

So, you might get a woman who is really kind and really beautiful.

[ZA Dater]

That is true of most walks of life, including being successful at work (i.e. making a lot of $).

 

The most successful people at companies are rarely ever the nicest people. And there's a reason. You don't sell stuff to people by being a nice guy and considering saving them money as your priority. Nice guys teach 8th grade in lower income areas and make 45K a year.

 

The upside is that if a woman decides she wants a nice guy first and foremost, she wont be bothered with all of the nonsense of how good looking, tall, successful, or cool a guy is and how much status he has. She'll have it in her mind the kind of guy she wants.

 

And a lot of times, people think this way regardless of what they look like.

 

So, you might get a woman who is really kind and really beautiful.

 

Maybe.

 

 

I do think the best items on the shelf do sell out quickly.

[Mysterio]

My take is this. Looking at my friends that are successful for some reason. All the guys that stayed home until they were married. They seemed to have the most stable relationship.

 

The ones that left home and then met someone. They have had rough waters. Not one of them had it cut and dry. I kid you not. Now there are some exceptions to the rule as well.

 

I also think that the woman usually has the power in the relationship. I feel like most men are sex/physical affection relient and they don't have women fawning for them all the time. A man will hit on a woman sooner than a woman will hit on a man. Its just the nature of things.

 

Think tanking it. I would say from a Male view. Most guys should be like this. Play a little bit layed back. Have other interest. Keep dating and looking for love as a hobby. Stay loose. The over hyped-over the top gestures don't really work.

 

Most men I know. They all just want a woman that they can have physical and verbal affection. Some laughs and interesting conversations. Thats about it. They are not looking for a female friend where there is no affection.