Think something is a bit off in my relationship

[Ostepop]

So. I met this girl a while ago, and we've been together for like 6 months now. She has psychological issues and is getting treatment for it, which makes us unable to meet more than once a day or once in a few days (when i move there). I live a good while from her, but i have initiated a move to her place as i got a job there. We got in a argument today about me being annoyed about her not placing trust enough in me to talk about her friends in there, and she was adamant in keeping their confidence. I was jealous (after she mentioned she hung with some guys) and anxious about the move. I admitted being at fault and said i was sorry.

 

Her family happily said i can live with them for a while until i find my own place. Suddenly after today her father calls (he doesn't live with her family) and says that i have to live with him because of her brother and his social support from the government might crash with my own inside the family's house, so i have to live with her father instead. This sounds pretty legit. But I was shocked. Deeply shocked, since it's only a few days away. Then i message my gf and she's all smiles about it, while not saying anything specific and says her mother is going to call and confirm. She did.

 

Now, i found this whole deal pretty damn suspicious as her mother was with my gf at the time i got the call from her fater. Did she tell her mother what happened (I don't really think the argument was that bad), and they found it so unacceptable that they didn't want me in their home? It was so suspicious that i just left my phone on the table for the evening, and for the first time i can remember, i got no texts for my gf and the promised call she was supposed to make, never came, even though she was checking her facebook all the time.

 

It's 3 days til i'm going to move, am i just being insane now, or do you think there is there something we should get out in the open? I love this girl with all my heart, and really want things to work.

 

Edit: reason i was shocked is that if i live with her father then it'll make visiting her where she is now pretty difficult.

Edited November 8, 2016 by Ostepop

[carhill]

I'd suggest choosing to be a little less involved in the minutiae of her life. You're not married, rather have been dating six months.

 

If you're young, like under 25 or so, I get that all this stuff is pretty intense. My .02 at the other end of the age spectrum is to relax a bit and do weigh seriously any demonstrated psychological issues present if you're looking at this as a long-term prospect. Accept the real. Good luck!

[Standard-Fare]

This whole situation sounds like a real mess.

 

I assume you got this new job specifically so you could live closer to her? (As opposed to you just happening to get this new job that happens to be closer to her.)

 

That would mean that you're uprooting your whole life to be near this girl. That's already a big step for two people who have been dating for only six months at what sounds like some kind of long distance. And then you add the tricky factor that you were going to move in with her family, instead of having any independence (such as getting your own place, or you and your GF moving in with each other.)

 

To add this new element now of the "switch" where you have to move in with the dad — and be further away from your GF — is making things extra complicated.

 

Yes, absolutely, something is off here. You have every right to feel uneasy about it! I don't think you should just shrug off your concerns and go with the flow — this is YOUR life. Find a situation you feel more comfortable with.

[Ostepop]

I'd suggest choosing to be a little less involved in the minutiae of her life. You're not married, rather have been dating six months.

 

If you're young, like under 25 or so, I get that all this stuff is pretty intense. My .02 at the other end of the age spectrum is to relax a bit and do weigh seriously any demonstrated psychological issues present if you're looking at this as a long-term prospect. Accept the real. Good luck!

 

It's only intense because i'm going to move. Who wan't to move and instantly regret? Need to be dead certain that there isn't anything wrong before moving.

 

I'm older than you think, but i have no experience as a boyfriend. This is my first girlfriend, so i haven't learned by trial and error as should be expected by someone my age. But it is what it is, and i do try to make the best out of it, and make it work.

[Ostepop]

This whole situation sounds like a real mess.

 

I assume you got this new job specifically so you could live closer to her? (As opposed to you just happening to get this new job that happens to be closer to her.)

 

That would mean that you're uprooting your whole life to be near this girl. That's already a big step for two people who have been dating for only six months at what sounds like some kind of long distance. And then you add the tricky factor that you were going to move in with her family, instead of having any independence (such as getting your own place, or you and your GF moving in with each other.)

 

To add this new element now of the "switch" where you have to move in with the dad — and be further away from your GF — is making things extra complicated.

 

Yes, absolutely, something is off here. You have every right to feel uneasy about it! I don't think you should just shrug off your concerns and go with the flow — this is YOUR life. Find a situation you feel more comfortable with.

 

She did just call, and it's way past her bedtime at the place she is, so i was surprised. While i was off, it was her fathers mistake. The suggestion was to put my address at his place while living at her family's house so that we can both get the benefits until i get a 100% position or a different job. Her father got it wrong, but i need to call her mother and confirm this tomorrow. And living there is temporary until i finish paying off the lease for my current apartment. No chance supporting 2 at once.

 

Just to add to the argument. I am in a really, really ****ty situation. I haven't had work here for a long time since there is hardly jobs to be had, and those who become available quickly gets taken by more qualified people. When i got this job, for the government, it's a done deal. They will cut me off, or at least threaten if i say no to the move and the job. So i'm kind of forced to move anyway. But as you say, i am uprooting my life for this girl. She is the reason i applied for it at all.

 

Hopefully it works out now!

[SoulCat]

She did just call, and it's way past her bedtime at the place she is, so i was surprised.

 

 

Is she in some sort of institution or mental health facility?

[Ostepop]

Is she in some sort of institution or mental health facility?

 

Doesn't matter.

[Standard-Fare]

Doesn't matter.

 

It absolutely DOES matter. Whether it's anyone's business on a messageboard is another story and of course you don't have to go into that. But for your own sake, this detail is actually very significant and if the answer is yes then hopefully you have considered this very carefully.

[Ostepop]

It absolutely DOES matter. Whether it's anyone's business on a messageboard is another story and of course you don't have to go into that. But for your own sake, this detail is actually very significant and if the answer is yes then hopefully you have considered this very carefully.

 

Fine. Yes, she is. But the doc says that she'll be fine and there is no disease. Just trauma and the outfall of not doing anything about it over time.

[Standard-Fare]

Fine. Yes, she is. But the doc says that she'll be fine and there is no disease. Just trauma and the outfall of not doing anything about it over time.

 

Well, you know you are walking into a very tricky situation here. I suggest focusing on your job and creating some sort of independence for yourself — get yourself your own apartment as soon as you can.

[Ostepop]

Well, you know you are walking into a very tricky situation here. I suggest focusing on your job and creating some sort of independence for yourself — get yourself your own apartment as soon as you can.

 

That is the plan. But i'm not going to have one foot out the door in the relationship, yet still going to try my best to be able to handle it if she doesn't get any better.

[Sequitur328]

Wow, that sounds like and interesting situation! I have no idea what you should do. However, I encourage you to establish a healthy relationship prior to restarting your life in a new area. I think that true love never fails, meaning there is no deceit, greed, or selfishness in true love. If these things exist in your relationship I encourage you to work on the relationship before committing to a move and a new job.

[Ostepop]

Sorry for the rambling but i need to get this off my chest

 

Got one hell of a bombshell dropped on me this evening. Im in shock and have trouble processing it. Her parents were keeping secrets the whole day, and i found it off and knew it was something important. Well the bomb was dropped and they explained she had been raped by her brother for a few years and she just told them this today. Witj me she acts like nothing and wont say a word. I flew in a rage and ran towards her brothers room and was going to, well, beat him up but the door was locked. They acted like politicians over the whole situation, but i was crushed the moment i wad told. The biggest dissappointment is that i just moved here and now this stuff comes to light, but she chooses not to talk with me. All the thinhs ive done gor her and she still doesnt trust me. Her parents say i can choose to leave her but have them tell her. I love this girl and her being raped makes me love her no less. But this distance between us and her not confiding in me at all is tearing me apart, especially ad she does open up to someone. Its really sad this happened to her, but the way she had treated me, in retrospect makes somewhat sense and the lies is a real dealbreaker without an explanation. I cant help but wonder if she would ever tell me if i didnt currently live here. Our most intimate moments, with what shes told has also been nothing but complete lies.Trouble is her other problems so its unfair of me to make demands or anything, but this situation is still also unfair to me.

 

I know i said this move was a chance i was willing to take, but not in my wildest dreams would i think something lile this would come to light on my third day here.

 

What a mess. Would i be a jackass to leave her? This is where im headed mentally. Im just torn up.

[MidwestUSA]

Well, in your first post, you had issues with jealousy and trust.

 

Now, you have issues with trust, and are making this about you, after she had to reveal a horrible secret.

 

So yes, be a jackass and leave her, and them. Let them heal in peace.

[Ostepop]

Sdsdsfsfdfd

Edited November 15, 2016 by Ostepop

[Standard-Fare]

Let me get this straight: You are currently living in the same house as the brother who raped your GF?

 

If so: you need to get the HELL out of that house by whatever means possible. Even if that means ditching the entire situation.

 

I won't judge your GF for keeping that information to herself -- it is obviously intensely private and shameful. And it has obviously created a multitude of psychological problems.

 

But what was completely unfair of both her and her family was to invite you into the folds of this disaster when you were completely in the dark about this dealbreaker detail.

 

This whole situation sounded like a complicated mess even before this revelation came to light. Now that it has, the situation is officially UNACCEPTABLE. Choosing to remain engulfed in this disaster would be an act of self-hatred, in my opinion.

[Ostepop]

Let me get this straight: You are currently living in the same house as the brother who raped your GF?

 

If so: you need to get the HELL out of that house by whatever means possible. Even if that means ditching the entire situation.

 

I won't judge your GF for keeping that information to herself -- it is obviously intensely private and shameful. And it has obviously created a multitude of psychological problems.

 

But what was completely unfair of both her and her family was to invite you into the folds of this disaster when you were completely in the dark about this dealbreaker detail.

 

This whole situation sounded like a complicated mess even before this revelation came to light. Now that it has, the situation is officially UNACCEPTABLE. Choosing to remain engulfed in this disaster would be an act of self-hatred, in my opinion.

 

I don't live in that house, but i have (had) a really close relationship with them.

 

I love her with all my heart and want to stand by her and rebuild what she has lost and start our future together but our relationship hinges on how she handles this situation. I've told her as much. I said i cannot accept a relationship with her brother, and she was stubborn saying she's lived with him being kind for all her life and all this has been an everyday thing for her. But that's not an everyday thing for me, this is all new and completely and utterly ****ed up. Her parents is going to drive her brother down to her and have him apologize and ask for forgiveness. So i said that if she wants to proceed down this path, she should be careful about the consequences because i won't stand with her if she chooses to be his sister again. I won't live around the guy who raped my girlfriend for many years and have familiar relationship with him. I just won't. Only gave her this ultimatum after she stubbornly said it's not up to me to decide what relationship she has with her brother. I firstly answered that "no that's absolutely right, but what's my decision is how i deal with it, and i won't".

 

Ohh and it only came to light yesterday, so i don't blame her parents for that. I don't blame her either, but i cannot deny being disappointed that she wanted me to move here with this deep dark secret tearing her apart which to her knowingly put a distance between us. But if they give their son the slip with an apology then i don't want to take part in their family.

 

Her being raped has no bearings on my feelings for her. I love her just as much, and i still want a future with her. But that future does not include her rapist brother.

Edited November 15, 2016 by Ostepop

[Standard-Fare]

Here are some hard facts to review:

 

- Your GF is struggling with severe mental issues and lives in a mental health facility.

 

- Her family inextricably involved in her life. Including the brother who RAPED her, who seemingly has continued to live amongst them rather than other outcomes he could/should have faced, including prison or admittance into a mental health facility himself.

 

- You are now steeped in the drama of this incredibly toxic, dysfunctional family.

 

I'm starting to question your own self-esteem and judgment that you would allow yourself to get tangled up in this nightmare.

 

I get that you haven't had many relationships, and that you love this girl. I get that you already uprooted your life and accepted a job near her.

 

But for your own sanity and self-worth, you really should strive for better for yourself. You do not have to surround yourself with ugly drama. You can and should get out of this before the black hole completely swallows you up.

[Ostepop]

Here are some hard facts to review:

 

- Your GF is struggling with severe mental issues and lives in a mental health facility.

 

- Her family inextricably involved in her life. Including the brother who RAPED her, who seemingly has continued to live amongst them rather than other outcomes he could/should have faced, including prison or admittance into a mental health facility himself.

 

- You are now steeped in the drama of this incredibly toxic, dysfunctional family.

 

I'm starting to question your own self-esteem and judgment that you would allow yourself to get tangled up in this nightmare.

 

I get that you haven't had many relationships, and that you love this girl. I get that you already uprooted your life and accepted a job near her.

 

But for your own sanity and self-worth, you really should strive for better for yourself. You do not have to surround yourself with ugly drama. You can and should get out of this before the black hole completely swallows you up.

 

Won't let the black hole swallow me. We almost broke up this evening, but we agreed on her having minimal contact with him, and only to disarm him in her eyes. A form of therapy, and i can't deny her that. She promised to keep away from him on a general basis and keep things entirely platonic and said she'll never forgive and forget what he's done. I want to believe her, and am willing to give her the benefit of a doubt. I'll also steel myself for the possibility that those sessions evolve into a newfound fondness of each other as siblings and the become close again. That will be a violation of our promise and i will definitively act accordingly. She is the victim, i can't forget that. Yet i can't have her rapist in my life. That won't happen.

[Kamille]

You don't get to decide or dictate what she needs to do in order to heal. You should support the process she wants to go through, as she finds her way past this trauma.

 

Stop treating her like a child. Stop trying to control her actions. Start listening to her. She needs someone in her corner, not someone who will boss her around, issues ultimatums and threaten to leave her.

[Ostepop]

You don't get to decide or dictate what she needs to do in order to heal. You should support the process she wants to go through, as she finds her way past this trauma.

 

Stop treating her like a child. Stop trying to control her actions. Start listening to her. She needs someone in her corner, not someone who will boss her around, issues ultimatums and threaten to leave her.

 

Sounded like someone who identifies with the girl.

 

Am simply not going to throw my life away, and it does take two to tango. Her being a rape victim does not change that. She has her principles, i have mine. If we can't agree on this stuff then we're simply not compatible. I do not want my girlfriends rapist in her or my life. Not sure how this is hard to understand. Not many couple survive a partner being friends with an ex, how is a rapist any better?

[Kamille]

Sounded like someone who identifies with the girl.

 

Am simply not going to throw my life away, and it does take two to tango. Her being a rape victim does not change that. She has her principles, i have mine. If we can't agree on this stuff then we're simply not compatible. I do not want my girlfriends rapist in her or my life. Not sure how this is hard to understand. Not many couple survive a partner being friends with an ex, how is a rapist any better?

 

I certainly think you two are likely not compatible. Or put another way: I don't think you're the right person for her. I think you'll likely do more damage than good. You have no idea how to listen to her.

[Ostepop]

I certainly think you two are likely not compatible. Or put another way: I don't think you're the right person for her. I think you'll likely do more damage than good. You have no idea how to listen to her.

 

Yeah, you just identify with her, so there is no use talking to you. Be constructive or give your advice to someone else. "Rape victim" is the only thing you've registered in this thread.

 

I think you would be hard pressed to find a man who's been as accepting as i have been. I too have my limits.

Edited November 15, 2016 by Ostepop

[Kamille]

Yeah, you just identify with her, so there is no use talking to you. Be constructive or give your advice to someone else. "Rape victim" is the only thing you've registered in this thread.

 

Whether or not I was raped : wouldn't someone who's been raped give you advice that is the most relevant to help with your situation?

[Ostepop]

Whether or not I was raped : wouldn't someone who's been raped give you advice that is the most relevant to help with your situation?

 

Isn't that exactly why i said it's not my place to refuse her brother helping her heal? If that's what she needs then that's what she needs.