Think something is a bit off in my relationship

[Standard-Fare]

@Ostepop, I think your attitude is appropriate - letting your GF deal with her brother in her own way, but refusing to engage with or tolerate him yourself in any manner.

 

But it's really not going to be that simple. The brother is going to be a looming dark presence in your life for as long as you date this girl, causing all sorts of complications.

 

But it's pretty clear that no one can convince you to save yourself and step out of this nightmare scenario, so I guess you just have to figure out how to get through it.

[Ostepop]

@Ostepop, I think your attitude is appropriate - letting your GF deal with her brother in her own way, but refusing to engage with or tolerate him yourself in any manner.

 

But it's really not going to be that simple. The brother is going to be a looming dark presence in your life for as long as you date this girl, causing all sorts of complications.

 

But it's pretty clear that no one can convince you to save yourself and step out of this nightmare scenario, so I guess you just have to figure out how to get through it.

 

i agree with you entirely. But i am willing to give her a chance. As i said, i'm steeling myself in case something does happen. Not in a closing myself off emotionally kind of way, but KIND of expecting it to happen kind of way. I'm going to continue working and doing what i can, and we'll see what happens.

 

I'm in a ****ty place right now, and i were entirely aware of it before moving here. If something happens it's me vs everyone i know up here. If she consults with her family then who knows what might be said? Everyone just wants to have their family intact, and i understand the notion. I don't give a flying **** though, and not going to protect and mingle with an rapist. In the end they might not care if i'm right or wrong, even if they appear as good people right now. It's not really a toxic family. It's only her brother and her having problems which most surely stems from what happened to her.

 

But i know that i can't live here if they decide to just let him go with an apology being enough. Then it doesn't matter what's up with me or my gf, i won't live in such an environment. This is his parents business though. Even if he's 26, they are(were) a tight knit family, and anything i would add would create hostility.

Edited November 15, 2016 by Ostepop

[Herbalist]

But i know that i can't live here if they decide to just let him go with an apology being enough. Then it doesn't matter what's up with me or my gf, i won't live in such an environment.

 

This is an example of a hard personal boundary, meaning that you are absolutely not okay with a situation and won't tolerate it. It is very normal and healthy for people to have personal boundaries, for all sorts of different reasons (as to why boundaries are healthy, and why one might have any given boundary).

 

Where it seems like you are struggling is in respecting boundaries. First by not respecting your own boundary, as if you did respect your own boundary, you would have ended this relationship already. Second, by not respecting your girlfriend's personal boundaries, such her right to make her own decisions about her family relationships. It often works that way, too. When you can't respect your own boundaries, you are likely to not respect others' boundaries as well.

 

How to Leave a Toxic Relationship When You?re Still in Love

[Ostepop]

This is an example of a hard personal boundary, meaning that you are absolutely not okay with a situation and won't tolerate it. It is very normal and healthy for people to have personal boundaries, for all sorts of different reasons (as to why boundaries are healthy, and why one might have any given boundary).

 

Where it seems like you are struggling is in respecting boundaries. First by not respecting your own boundary, as if you did respect your own boundary, you would have ended this relationship already. Second, by not respecting your girlfriend's personal boundaries, such her right to make her own decisions about her family relationships. It often works that way, too. When you can't respect your own boundaries, you are likely to not respect others' boundaries as well.

 

How to Leave a Toxic Relationship When You?re Still in Love

 

Yep. I'm not always strong and have buckled a few times. I don't care if it's her neighbour, her brother, her teacher, her father whomever the hell it is, as a boyfriend i expect her to distance herself from her rapist to the best of her abilities. This was only a problem because she wasn't going to do anything. He was her brother and she was used to everything. She was going for status quo, and i wouldn't have it. I won't buckle this time though if everything is just swept under the rug after a while. A family based on lies and deceit is no family i want to partake in. I honestly gave her a choice because i didn't want to break up with her and didn't know how to handle the situation. The thought scares me. But i just can't live like that. I just can't. Her being a victim as i've said before has no bearing on my feelings for her. I won't abandon her for such a reason.

[Springsummer]

I doubt she is a complete and totally helpless victim. I mean, for heaven's sake it had been going on for years, not just a couple of times.

 

I doubt she is totally grossed out by this, otherwise, she would never even stand the sight of him. now it's OP who can't stand the sight of him. That's strange.

 

she has complicated feelings with him. That's why.

[Springsummer]

'a few years' and 'not going to do anything' are the key words here...

[Standard-Fare]

Re: springsummer's comments, I do think it's still possible for this girl to be a helpless victim even when this was going on for years and even if she did in fact willingly participate eventually. That's where sexual abuse gets really complicated... when the victim becomes a participant and feels all the shame and guilt over that.

 

For the OP, walking into this scenario just as the whole family has learned about it... I can't even imagine. This is the type of thing that takes years and years to come to terms with psychologically, if the damage EVER heals.

 

OP, that's an extremely heavy load to have on your plate. And regardless of what your GF is going through right now, I think it was completely unfair and unhealthy to invite you to start a new life closer to her when she hasn't even started to heal from this and set her firm boundaries for her future relationship with her brother.

 

And actually, the fact that she DID that (invite you to live there) is a clear sign that she is not dealing with this in a healthy way. She encouraged you to become enmeshed in her family at the worst possible time, while she's in a mental health facility, and then she dropped an irreversible bomb on all of you. Love or not, sympathy or not, it's not fair.

 

You will require intensive therapy yourself to know how to deal with this. It's more than anyone should have to handle.

[Ostepop]

Re: springsummer's comments, I do think it's still possible for this girl to be a helpless victim even when this was going on for years and even if she did in fact willingly participate eventually. That's where sexual abuse gets really complicated... when the victim becomes a participant and feels all the shame and guilt over that.

 

For the OP, walking into this scenario just as the whole family has learned about it... I can't even imagine. This is the type of thing that takes years and years to come to terms with psychologically, if the damage EVER heals.

 

OP, that's an extremely heavy load to have on your plate. And regardless of what your GF is going through right now, I think it was completely unfair and unhealthy to invite you to start a new life closer to her when she hasn't even started to heal from this and set her firm boundaries for her future relationship with her brother.

 

And actually, the fact that she DID that (invite you to live there) is a clear sign that she is not dealing with this in a healthy way. She encouraged you to become enmeshed in her family at the worst possible time, while she's in a mental health facility, and then she dropped an irreversible bomb on all of you. Love or not, sympathy or not, it's not fair.

 

You will require intensive therapy yourself to know how to deal with this. It's more than anyone should have to handle.

 

Her becoming an willing participant is something that didn't even occur to me. I know it's something that should be known, I just don't know how to ask it, because its a really nasty question and will most definitely ruin our relationship if she was willing somewhere down the line and still argues to keep him in her life.

 

I'm seriously leaning towards just letting go. There is no joy in this relationship anymore obviously, but hasn't been any joy since after the honeymoon phase ended. Only promises and dreams of a good future down the line. Don't want to try breaking her family up either. Well, her brother should face the consequences, but i doubt they'll do anything really, just so they can keep their peace.

 

Edit: I need to exit the relationship. I'm trying to cash in on what i think i deserve, and i do it automatically and it's not right, especially in her situation. I think i deserve more because of what i've done and sacrificed for her, and she basically want someone who doesn't question her and accept everything that's handed on his platter, while having a minimalistic attitude towards the relationship. It's unhealty. I didn't deserve this bombshell only to be left alone in an apartment with her family not keeping contanct or her leaving me to meet her for last (including rapist). I can feel the damage for every passing day i don't get to see her myself.

Edited November 16, 2016 by Ostepop

[Standard-Fare]

How are you going to get yourself out of it? What are your plans?

[Ostepop]

It was handled in a way i didn't want it to. I wrote the things i wanted to say in person.

Today she started arguing about me being annoyed that she said she didn't want visitors today and i got a picture of a family member and her pets. It boiled a bit over and i confronted her. Because she didn't give 2 slightest ****s about my feelings at all. Not at all, even though i said it was something that couldn't wait. She didn't set aside any time whatsoever for me. She cared about her feelings and her family's feelings and set me aside, whether it was intentional or unintentional. And she got mad, obviously. I would never do this usually, but right now i'm out of my mind.

 

It went over sms as i couldn't hold on any longer and i have 2 workdays before the set date for when we were supposed to meet. I knew what had to be done, and i don't want to agonize anymore over it. She currently isn't suitable for a relationship, and with what's happened, neither am i. I don't recognize the person i've become in all this. I need to leave.

[Ostepop]

She was pissed. Called me a control freak and whatever else because i wanted to move away from her brother and didn't want her to socialize with her rapist. If she wants to be around him then we're simply not compatible and not on the same page at all.

 

Well, i didn't rise to the bait and just ended it in a kind and understanding way. No point in arguing. She gets fed what she wants to hear and whats best for their family from her mother, and i'm on my own. She listens to her mother. Always has.

[DarrenB]

She was pissed. Called me a control freak and whatever else because i wanted to move away from her brother and didn't want her to socialize with her rapist. If she wants to be around him then we're simply not compatible and not on the same page at all.

 

Well, i didn't rise to the bait and just ended it in a kind and understanding way. No point in arguing. She gets fed what she wants to hear and whats best for their family from her mother, and i'm on my own. She listens to her mother. Always has.

 

It's a shame people are so easily led by propaganda. Her response just clearly shows that she is infact not compatible with you anymore. Unfortunate, but you may have just dodged a bullet here.

 

You've done the best you can to co-operate mate, applaud that. Onwards and upwards.

[Ostepop]

At this point she's not compatible with anyone. I've held it together because who she and the promise that she'll return there. But the pills i have to swallow become larger and larger. She has to have her way, with little regard to how i feel, at all turns. I think she needed this wake up call and understand that i won't stand for everything. The sad thing is that with her condition, she might not understand what's she's doing, or have warped thoughts about them which to her makes them right. Well, regardless, we're not compatible now and i can't stand in it anymore.

[Kamille]

I'm relieved. You were not happy and not in a good place to support her.

 

Move on.

 

Incidentally, will you be moving out and quitting your job?

[Ostepop]

I'm relieved. You were not happy and not in a good place to support her.

 

Move on.

 

Incidentally, will you be moving out and quitting your job?

 

Problem is that she doesn't want or perhaps need support from a boyfriend, she looks towards her family. The family is the only thing she wants at this moment. Whether it's unintentional or what, she just wanted the concept of a boyfriend and did the absolute minimum she thought was required to keep me around. being kept around is exactly how i've felt.

[anika99]

Yeah I think you should probably let this one go and move on. A woman in a mental health facility who is dealing with the trauma of incest/rape is going to need a lot of time and counselling before she is ready for a healthy romantic relationship. I'm not sure why either of you thought this was a good time to start a relationship. I get that you didn't know about the rape until now but you knew she had some issues that required her to be in a mental health facility.

 

Her family does sound very toxic to me and she is very emeshed with them. You don't see this becoming a healthy situation for a very long time if ever. I think you should leave them to it and move on.

[Ostepop]

Yeah I think you should probably let this one go and move on. A woman in a mental health facility who is dealing with the trauma of incest/rape is going to need a lot of time and counselling before she is ready for a healthy romantic relationship. I'm not sure why either of you thought this was a good time to start a relationship. I get that you didn't know about the rape until now but you knew she had some issues that required her to be in a mental health facility.

 

Her family does sound very toxic to me and she is very emeshed with them. You don't see this becoming a healthy situation for a very long time if ever. I think you should leave them to it and move on.

 

I moved because at that point the docs chuckled and said her issues are no problem, and she'll get better. It's no from any illness, so they weren't worried that she wouldn't get better. She said as much herself. All the while keeping that deep dark secret to herself. I'd rather she'd tried to tell me not to move for some reason rather than whats happened here now. But what's done is done, all i can do is move forward from here.

[Ostepop]

What a stupid man i am. She said she wanted a pause to work on her situation instead of a break up. I said "fine" because i don't want to break up with her. But i cannot be with her in this situation either, so i'm moving away and putting distance regardless what's being decided.

And after some talk i was thinking and said that at the end of all this i think she has to prove to me that this relationship is something she really wants. This created anger and she had nothing to prove to anyone. Egotistical nonsense which she is taking to extremes after her step father told her to be "egotistical" and focus on herself. I just said "'we're done"

[anika99]

What a stupid man i am. She said she wanted a pause to work on her situation instead of a break up. I said "fine" because i don't want to break up with her. But i cannot be with her in this situation either, so i'm moving away and putting distance regardless what's being decided.

And after some talk i was thinking and said that at the end of all this i think she has to prove to me that this relationship is something she really wants. This created anger and she had nothing to prove to anyone. Egotistical nonsense which she is taking to extremes after her step father told her to be "egotistical" and focus on herself. I just said "'we're done"

 

Well I don't think she really has to prove anything either. What she has to do is be single and put her energy into getting herself better (sort of like what her stepfather said to her). Her mistake was in trying to have a relationship when all this drama and trauma is going on. She is incapable of being a good partner right now. It's not your fault that you got sucked in but it's pointless to have expectations of her while she is mentally and emotionally unwell. She doesn't need to prove anything, she just needs to be single until she gets better.

[Ostepop]

Well I don't think she really has to prove anything either. What she has to do is be single and put her energy into getting herself better (sort of like what her stepfather said to her). Her mistake was in trying to have a relationship when all this drama and trauma is going on. She is incapable of being a good partner right now. It's not your fault that you got sucked in but it's pointless to have expectations of her while she is mentally and emotionally unwell. She doesn't need to prove anything, she just needs to be single until she gets better.

 

We'll have to respectfully disagree on that one. She is a grown woman who i have sacrificed and done a lot for. She has in turn shown me love (generally early in the relationship, i hope it was genuine) and lied about a ****load of things over the months, and set me aside for everyone else in this turmoil. She has shown me that she priorities her family in a way that leaves me outside, when she easily could just include me as she has before that said she valued me like treasured family.

 

She has said that we're the only one's who're shocked in the event of all this, it's just everyday thing and she's in a way over it and just want to move on while working it out with her brother.

Well, to me she has a **** load to prove. I've done too much, and she's only taken, not given. It's up to her if she wants to try again, but at that point she damn well better drive down to me and tell me exactly how much it means for her for us to be together. Don't need a big gesture, but a i need a gesture nonetheless.

 

This probably means we're through, but then we're through. This has been one hell of a draining relationship, and i'm not giving anything more until i've received something.

[Kamille]

You keep repeating you've sacrificed a lot for her. What would those sacrifices be?

[Ostepop]

You keep repeating you've sacrificed a lot for her. What would those sacrifices be?

 

Did not sacrifice my brother on an alter if that's what you think. I left my family, left my friends, my sanity (felt that at times), but even the gesture was unappreciated. I bought her flowers, i tried to spend as much time with her as i could, tried to be as reassuring as i could. Many of these are not sacrifices, but what i can say the sacrifice that i regret the most, is my time.

 

As long as things were going right, she's fine to be around, but when stuff gets hard or her opinion or decision gets questioned, i can find no other word than megalomaniac to describe her. She's willing to burn everything if she doesn't get exactly what she wants (i'm sure you'll think this of me as well after what'e been said earlier, but i always try to negotiate with her, but she never wanted to hear it, which makes us argue and it usually turned quite ugly).

 

Her raging messages after this were filled with half truths. I said, "i don't want to live in a house with a multitude of large dogs as i want to have something that resembles a normal life where we can do stuff and take vacations, and not to mention, house peace" She twisted this into "you tried to tell me how many i can have". She has 2 large dogs and they're quite wonderful. I do love those dogs and i will miss them. But they are a handful, but it would be ok. It's her dogs and they're part of her and i accept them. She wanted puppies, i said if that's what she wanted then i don't have a problem with it. But she wanted 2 more big ones as well. It would be absolute chaos.

She also said "I can't wait to do dog competitions the entire summers when we get our place and i'm healthy enough for it" I said "well, when we have our own place, i'd sure be glad if i get to have you around and you're not away the entire summer" and she twisted it to "you tried telling me how many competitions i am allowed to have. Almost everything is twisted to hell and beyond.

 

She did get something right though. She did tell me to move up for my own sake at the moment as she has to focus on getting better, and doesn't know when she'll be able to move together. Well, that was OK. But then the bombshell was dropped and she showed me where we stood as a couple.

 

I won't deny not doing any mistakes. I've probably done quite a few. But i always try to make up for it.

 

Our honeymoon period was awesome, and she acted like a real person who didn't tell me exactly what was going to happen in the future, but one who tried to plan with me what we were going to do. It was fun, and i like it that way. I never like to tell anyone to do anything, it's not right, but her extreme decisions after that period ended forced me to do it for my own sake. I can't accept something absurd that she says now and she'll be "you never said no before" at a later time.

 

A few of her friends are loner women with a lot of dogs, she really looks up to them and she MIGHT want to have the same lifestyle. But this is a singles life, not fit for a couple with different interests and hobbies.

As i said. We're not compatible. And we're probably not compatible when she's healthy either because she wants a completely different lifestyle than i do.

 

I don't mention the rape thing because that's a non issue to me. It doesn't color how i view her in the slightest. It's the other stuff that's the problem. And from where those issues originate, i have no idea. And neither do anyone else at this point. But our whole relationship has still been a lie, and i'm not sure what she was really after. If it was the security of a boyfriend? one who accepted her? Someone to take out her almost lifelong frustration on? a combination of those? I have no clue.

 

Edit: writing a bit past and present without thinking about it. It's not been long since we broke up so i need time to adjust.

Edited November 18, 2016 by Ostepop