Do you think there's a chance we will get back together?

[katsmith]

My boyfriend broke up with me a month ago after a year and a half. We met after getting into the same college. We are from the same city. We met to get lunch and get to know each other so we would have a familiar face at college. We talked for hours and started dating a couple months later. We had a very good relationship -- he was very open and loving and treated me like the only girl in the world. We came to college and ended up in the same tight-knit friend group. Things went well, but there were some occasional issues. I would occasionally get upset with him for no good reason and I wouldn't explain why. I would act kind of passive aggressive and make him work to figure out what was going on.

 

I also had a lot of insecurities that made me act slightly odd sometimes, like I would act surprised when he wanted to take me as his date to something, even though we were dating. I think I liked the validation it gave me when he fought for me or explained that of course he wanted to take me because he loved me. I definitely had some communication issues that I realize stemmed from the fact that I didn't really love myself. However, this did not happen all that often. Maybe it would happen once or twice in a week and then not for a while, etc. One day 3 weeks ago I was acting upset and wouldn't tell him why. I suggested -- an empty threat -- that maybe this just wasn't going to work. I had done this once before and he said "no please don't do this, etc." This time he said "maybe you're right". Then I started panicking and begged to stay together. He said he just couldn't keep doing the communication/conflict thing. We sat there and cried for an hour as he tried to figure out what to do. He finally started to break up with me, and I said "I wish I knew how much this was bothering you or I would've stopped a long time ago". Then he said "oh I didn't know this was something you could control. We can work on this and get stronger."

 

I agreed but mentioned it was hard to look at him and know he wondered whether he wanted me or not. Then he went to sports practice, and when he came back he wanted to talk again. He said "I thought about it and you were right. The fact that I even wondered if we should be together means we shouldn't". He seemed very calm and composed. I told him I could change but he said "it's not just the communication. Something just doesn't feel right." This confused me because in a text he sent a few days before he said "this just feels so right". When he explained the breakup to our friend the next day, he didn't mention this feeling. He told her the little conflicts were draining him, and he felt like he was walking on eggshells around me.

 

He also said he felt like we were too codependent and were maybe holding each other back. He wasn't doing very well in school and wasn't very involved and I think that was stressing him out. I had been spending a lot of time in his dorm and room because my roommate situation wasn't very good, but he showed no signs that this was bothering him. He also made it seem like he had only been considering breaking up with me that same day, for only a couple hours. It seemed like a rash decision, and I suggested a break when he was breaking up with me, but he said those don't work for him.

 

Our friend said "maybe this doesn't have to be the end for you guys" after he explained the breakup, but he said "in my family, once you break up, that's it. You don't get back together." His mom had mentioned this once before, and I know family values and principles are very important to him -- he can be stubborn. He has a very idealized vision of relationships because his parents got married the day after they graduated college, his sister just married her high school boyfriend, and his brother is engaged to a girl he met at the beginning of college. He has never been exposed to relationships where things have been rough or rocky for a while. I think he feels like he'll know it's the right relationship if he never has any doubts about it, but I don't think that's very realistic. This is the one thing that makes me feel hopeless. He cried the day after, but then after that he seemed to be fine according to our friends. Maybe acting a little bit cockier, but fine. I can't imagine he would get over me that quickly -- we were so in love and shared so many of the same values. We were each other's best friends and talked about a future together. I know he doesn't deal with discomfort well. Maybe it's just a coping mechanism?

 

When he broke up with me, he said he still wanted to be close, but he hasn't reached out to me. He's been avoiding me. It's hard because we are still in the same group text with our friends, so even though we aren't really talking, I can see him communicating and he seems so OK. He sent a simple happy birthday text and texted me individually when I texted the group chat about a friend who wasn't doing well and later when my brother had a heart attack. We had a brief conversation the first time, but I didn't respond the second time because he didn't even ask which brother it was, which hurt.

 

These felt mostly like courtesy texts. He occasionally asks our friend how I am, but doesn't talk about me otherwise. Last week this friend asked him if our friend group would ever all hang out again, and he said he needed a lot more time. He also said that he wouldn't be looking for another relationship for a while. I have made so many positive changes, and I know I would be a much more open and stable girlfriend. I can finally say that I love myself, and I have really figured out who I am. It's so upsetting that he can't see this and says he wouldn't entertain the thought of getting back together because of a principle that has nothing to do with me specifically.

 

Also, the night after he broke up with me he told our friend he still really loved me and cared about me. His parents came this past weekend and told our friend they wanted to see me because they love and miss me, but they never ended up texting me. I don't know if he ever plans to reach out to me, and it's killing me. What do you think?

Edited November 9, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[BDJ_1]

You deliberately stirred up trouble for no good reason. I would want nothing to do with you either.

 

If you have in fact improved personally since, I'd suggest you take that improved attitude to a new relationship. Given past history, I doubt you'll get anywhere with the ex.

 

Hopefully it's been an eye opener for how poor your behaviour has been.

[basil67]

I doubt he will come back. It sounds like you put him through the wringer in the relationship...he'll probably be breathing a big sigh of relief and freedom right now.

 

I'm glad you recognised what you were doing wrong - it will put you on a better path for future relationships.

[preraph]

Why would he want to keep dating you? You are playing head games with him and putting pressure on him to beg you and compliment you and PROVE he likes you because you don't feel worthy. You need to forget about dating for validation and just try some therapy for awhile and stop this neurotic habit of seeking validation by making the person miserable.

[BikerAccnt]

You sound a lot like my Ex-GF, only much younger.

 

She was a lot like you..very poor communications style. Hot/Cold. In/Out. Never seemed fully committed to the relationship, yet, never wanted to quite let it go.

 

Like your Ex, I finally couldn't take it any longer. The hot/cold push/pull became exhausting, and after nearly 2 years, I ended it once and for all.

 

I'd forget about him, because if he's anything like me, though he may still care for you (as I do my ex) there is no way I am going to risk putting myself thru that again with her.

 

As BDJ said, if you have indeed changed, take it to a new relationship, because there is mostl likely no way your ex is going to have any faith that your change is permanent. Especially based on his history with you.

 

Good luck.

[smackie9]

My suggestion is to just move forward with your life. Sitting their stressing over whether you two will rekindle your relationship is counter productive. Set it aside, go out, be with friends, keep busy with your life. If he does come around then great, but don't hold your breath. And no there isn't anything you can do to encourage him to return.

[katsmith]

My boyfriend broke up with me a month ago after a year and a half. I had some communication issues due to the fact that I wasn't in a very good place personally, but I didn't fully realize that until he broke up with me. I have made a lot of good changes now, and he told our friend the day after he broke up with me that he still really loved me and cared about me. We are in the same friend group and group text, but we haven't been seeing each other or talking to each other directly -- he has been avoiding me. I would feel hopeful, but he told our friend he doesn't believe in getting back together. Do you think this could ever change?

[Gaeta]

My boyfriend broke up with me a month ago after a year and a half. I had some communication issues due to the fact that I wasn't in a very good place personally, but I didn't fully realize that until he broke up with me. I have made a lot of good changes now, and he told our friend the day after he broke up with me that he still really loved me and cared about me. We are in the same friend group and group text, but we haven't been seeing each other or talking to each other directly -- he has been avoiding me. I would feel hopeful, but he told our friend he doesn't believe in getting back together. Do you think this could ever change?

 

A month is not enough to make important turn around in your lack of good communication skills.

 

Use this as a learning experience and try to do better in your next relationship.

 

If he is avoiding you, no. He is done and he won't come back. A year and a half is a long time together so he knows you have not changed in 1 month. He got fed up. He is done.