Beauties and Beasts

[123sadgirl]

Yesterday Cyra and I were responding to confusingme thread and we realise there is a pattern of MM being joe average where MW is a beautiful or professional woman who allows herself to be in this ordeal. MM ego is elevated with huge ego boost.

 

Then we go into NC, we out of the fog and our eyes open and we ask ourselves why?

 

The only way I find staying strong in NC is remembering all the negative things about him and some of the things said during the affair.

 

 

Please share your stories and together we can all stay NC and move on.

[Cyra]

Yesterday Cyra and I were responding to confusingme thread and we realise there is a pattern of MM being joe average where MW is a beautiful or professional woman who allows herself to be in this ordeal. MM ego is elevated with huge ego boost.

 

Then we go into NC, we out of the fog and our eyes open and we ask ourselves why?

 

The only way I find staying strong in NC is remembering all the negative things about him and some of the things said during the affair.

 

 

Please share your stories and together we can all stay NC and move on.

 

Yes, in my case too the xMM was an average, ordinary middle aged man. No striking looks, no amazing character traits, no prowess in bed. Yet I elevated his ego constantly, I made him feel special every day, he believed he was the hottest man ever, an amazing person, a god's gift to women in bed. Not only I convinced him of it, I also convinced myself - in my mind I genuinely believed those things.

 

Since it has been over I have been forced to face reality and see him as he really is, and at first that was difficult but it gets better with time. Whenever I start swooning about him and about the amazing times we had together and how much I miss him, I remind myself of all the times he treated me badly, the less than adequate sex, his lacking character and how I felt stressed, anxious and insecure on a daily basis while I was seeing him.

[123sadgirl]

Yes, in my case too the xMM was an average, ordinary middle aged man. No striking looks, no amazing character traits, no prowess in bed. Yet I elevated his ego constantly, I made him feel special every day, he believed he was the hottest man ever, an amazing person, a god's gift to women in bed. Not only I convinced him of it, I also convinced myself - in my mind I genuinely believed those things.

 

Since it has been over I have been forced to face reality and see him as he really is, and at first that was difficult but it gets better with time. Whenever I start swooning about him and about the amazing times we had together and how much I miss him, I remind myself of all the times he treated me badly, the less than adequate sex, his lacking character and how I felt stressed, anxious and insecure on a daily basis while I was seeing him.

 

Whenever I start swooning about him and about the amazing times we had together and how much I miss him, I remind myself of all the times he treated me badly.. that exactly how i feel, i asked myself why am i missing him? I used to feel anxious too when i was in the affair, waiting to see if i will text or call.. when i get the urge to break NC i say to myself you have done 5 weeks do you want go backwards...

 

I saw him walked past today at work, (working in the same place is the hard part) and I wonder if he is suffering too or has just moved on easily. My therapist told me, don't worry about what his is thinking or doing,it not important. I keep telling myself he has made it clear it was only sex and fun nothing else, why waste time crying... but it so damn hard not to think of them...

[Grey Cloud]

Yep my xMM was definitely Joe Average! We worked together for two years before he admitted he was attracted to me and I never once thought of him in that way! He was shorter than me, overweight and couldnt last longer than 2 minutes!!

 

Once the affair commenced he started hitting the gym hard and dropped some weight (which apparently he has regained now according to a former work colleague!). When we were out for lunch he always used to comment that other guys were staring at me and then they would look over at him as if to say "WTF?" which always gave him a massive ego boost.

 

He also made a few comments about my husband's looks (just from Facebook photos) saying that my H was punching above his weight being with me. That was kind of ironic he had that opinion when he was also batting above his average!

 

The scary thing is I have had to work out WHY I allowed myself to get caught up in the whole thing and why I needed that validation from a married man. A man that I wouldn't give a second glance too if he passed me in the street as a stranger.

[Jemima1234]

Oh I wish I could say this stuff!!! Maybe it would be easier. But the sex with xMM was amazing - a real connection and chemistry. We also were friends way before any affair and he was one of my best friends and we were so compatible! So sadly I don't have these bad memories to cling to to help with NC.

 

What I do have tho is memories of how he is during an affair- the horrible things he says when feeling guilty after etc. The knowing he isnt going to leave and that he can still compartmentalise me!!! These are the things I need to cling to.

[123sadgirl]

Yep my xMM was definitely Joe Average! We worked together for two years before he admitted he was attracted to me and I never once thought of him in that way! He was shorter than me, overweight and couldnt last longer than 2 minutes!!

 

Once the affair commenced he started hitting the gym hard and dropped some weight (which apparently he has regained now according to a former work colleague!). When we were out for lunch he always used to comment that other guys were staring at me and then they would look over at him as if to say "WTF?" which always gave him a massive ego boost.

 

He also made a few comments about my husband's looks (just from Facebook photos) saying that my H was punching above his weight being with me. That was kind of ironic he had that opinion when he was also batting above his average!

 

The scary thing is I have had to work out WHY I allowed myself to get caught up in the whole thing and why I needed that validation from a married man. A man that I wouldn't give a second glance too if he passed me in the street as a stranger.

 

 

Hi Grey Cloud... beautiful post, yes it does leaves a lot of questions of why, I feel i was never good enough for my dad, maybe for me that why. But then in the middle of the affair, i was not getting the validation anyway and that made me more insecure and i find myself asking this average joe with beer belly if still finds me attractive, that was a low point for me when i think about it. The emotional pain i still feel is more than the high i got from the affair.

[Grey Cloud]

Oh I wish I could say this stuff!!! Maybe it would be easier. But the sex with xMM was amazing - a real connection and chemistry. We also were friends way before any affair and he was one of my best friends and we were so compatible! So sadly I don't have these bad memories to cling to to help with NC.

 

What I do have tho is memories of how he is during an affair- the horrible things he says when feeling guilty after etc. The knowing he isnt going to leave and that he can still compartmentalise me!!! These are the things I need to cling to.

 

I can imagine that would make things harder. At least I know I am overcoming an addiction (and how he made me feel), rather than him as a person. I know we would never work in "real" life. It has still taken me a long time to get over him/the affair. I am not 100% there but every day gets easier and easier.

[123sadgirl]

Oh I wish I could say this stuff!!! Maybe it would be easier. But the sex with xMM was amazing - a real connection and chemistry. We also were friends way before any affair and he was one of my best friends and we were so compatible! So sadly I don't have these bad memories to cling to to help with NC.

 

What I do have tho is memories of how he is during an affair- the horrible things he says when feeling guilty after etc. The knowing he isnt going to leave and that he can still compartmentalise me!!! These are the things I need to cling to.

 

Hi Jemima, it nice to read posts like this, maybe it a little easier to move on if you have fond memories, at least when you feel low, you can look back and smile. But you still have to be strong if you need to move on.

 

Try not breaking NC and see what happens, sometimes you will find out you are the only one doing the chasing, each day he does not reach out, you tell yourself you know not reaching out too, days will turn into weeks and months, and then a time will come, where you will get the urge to break NC but you will just it let pass.

[Grey Cloud]

Hi Grey Cloud... beautiful post, yes it does leaves a lot of questions of why, I feel i was never good enough for my dad, maybe for me that why. But then in the middle of the affair, i was not getting the validation anyway and that made me more insecure and i find myself asking this average joe with beer belly if still finds me attractive, that was a low point for me when i think about it. The emotional pain i still feel is more than the high i got from the affair.

 

I have also had the same issues with my Dad and we are not close at all. Growing up with him was quite painful and I was always trying to prove myself to him. maybe that's where the validation thing comes into it. And the weird thing is that my xMM and my dad share the exact same birthday and many similar traits.

[Cyra]

Whenever I start swooning about him and about the amazing times we had together and how much I miss him, I remind myself of all the times he treated me badly.. that exactly how i feel, i asked myself why am i missing him? I used to feel anxious too when i was in the affair, waiting to see if i will text or call.. when i get the urge to break NC i say to myself you have done 5 weeks do you want go backwards...

 

I saw him walked past today at work, (working in the same place is the hard part) and I wonder if he is suffering too or has just moved on easily. My therapist told me, don't worry about what his is thinking or doing,it not important. I keep telling myself he has made it clear it was only sex and fun nothing else, why waste time crying... but it so damn hard not to think of them...

 

 

I was exactly the same. I would be anxious about him texting/calling, or whether he was going to cancel our plans etc. How I was feeling completely depended on his actions. If he was being nice, I was happy and if he was being cold I'd be devastated. It was a horrible emotional rollercoaster and it drove me crazy.

I hear you about obsessing whether he has moved on etc. I am the same, always thinking about what he is doing, is he over me, has he reconciled with wife and are they all happy and in love now etc. My therapist told me the same thing, but it is hard to exorcise those thoughts, they seem to invade at will.

 

In my case he never told me it was just sex, he told me repeatedly he loved me which makes it even worse I think because I stupidly believed it. Then of course he left his wife and went back to her which was the last straw. I have never heard from him since, but I have to say I never have been tempted to break NC. He was truly nasty to me in the end, however so was I.

 

It must be hard if you work with him. I cannot even imagine it. I have not seen him since but everything triggers me. My work - he used to come for my lunch breaks, everywhere I drive are some places we went together etc. Its awful. Hang in there, don't text him, what for? Nothing good can come out of it. The only thing that can happen is that he would be receptive and you would get sucked in again, and that is the worst case scenario. You have gone 5 weeks, stay strong. It's been almost 8 weeks for me, and it does get easier. Same as you, when I miss him I challenge myself, what am I missing? And the logical reason is nothing. I only miss my fantasy that was never real.

[123sadgirl]

I have also had the same issues with my Dad and we are not close at all. Growing up with him was quite painful and I was always trying to prove myself to him. maybe that's where the validation thing comes into it. And the weird thing is that my xMM and my dad share the exact same birthday and many similar traits.

 

Every word is like i wrote it, childhood plays a big impact in adulthood, I read somewhere we should revisit the small child we were and talk to her and tell her she was always good enough.

 

Yes my exMM has some traits of my dad too, hmmm the cycle of life...

 

One thing i have learnt from this affair is to never confuse sex with love..

[Cyra]

Hi Grey Cloud... beautiful post, yes it does leaves a lot of questions of why, I feel i was never good enough for my dad, maybe for me that why. But then in the middle of the affair, i was not getting the validation anyway and that made me more insecure and i find myself asking this average joe with beer belly if still finds me attractive, that was a low point for me when i think about it. The emotional pain i still feel is more than the high i got from the affair.

 

 

I cannot believe it, I was exactly the same! Me, 15 years younger, attractive, intelligent, asking this short bald wimpy man if he still loved me and still wanted to be with me!

 

Looking back at how I was putting myself down and giving him all the power over me, I find it unbelievable because I am not like that at all in normal life

 

I also had difficult relationship with my father, he was passive aggressive and emotionally unavailable. I hate to be feeding into the theory which indicates that being the cause of things, but it seems like it is a pattern also!

[AutumnMoon]

My MM makes less money than my husband. Other than that they look polar opposite, handsome in their own way. MM incredibly charming and sexually charged which gets a lot of attention. They are both good guys I could list pros and cons of either.

I wish sometimes there was more of a discrepancy, maybe be easier to move on.

[AutumnMoon]

I read further down and just want to say, my MM could have been my dads best friend if born back then instead of when he was. They are very alike. And my dad left when I was young, definitely could be a connection to wanting that validation.

[Midlifecrisis1]

My husband is a good looking, fit, smart, successful doctor. I am a petite, attractive, smart, funny woman. XMM is an overweight, bald guy who slacked off in school and is struggling in his business. BUT...xMM is warm and caring and worshipped me while we were together. He is a good man who knows he did a bad thing. Makes it so painful when I see him somewhere and he acts like I'm nothing to him.

[Tobie]

MM I have a crush on is average. When we first met, I wasn't attracted to him at all. As I came to know his personality, he became more attractive to me.

 

I consider myself attractive. I'm hard on myself, but I do have a successful life. Seems a lot of OW are successful in life.

 

Interesting thing- my grandfather was my dad figure for my early life. He shares many traits with MM- tall, lanky, dark auburn hair, dark eyes, even have the same first name. Weird.

[anika99]

I think the combination of average/below average MM with attractive OW gives both sides get a boost to their ego. MM gets to feel like a stud by bedding down a hot woman and OW basks in the MMs flattery and apparent adoration. Two sides of the same coin.

[OneLov]

My fAP (MW) is gorgeous. Based on women's eyes and remarks to me, I feel I'm not too bad myself. Not sure if rewriting history/preprogramming your memory is the ticket to emotional freedom. Sure, we put anyone we like on a pedestal but using Trump unit's to quantify looks: A 10 rarely becomes a 2 just because the rose-colored glasses are removed.

[Lillyp32]

Oh I wish I could say this stuff!!! Maybe it would be easier. But the sex with xMM was amazing - a real connection and chemistry. We also were friends way before any affair and he was one of my best friends and we were so compatible! So sadly I don't have these bad memories to cling to to help with NC.

 

What I do have tho is memories of how he is during an affair- the horrible things he says when feeling guilty after etc. The knowing he isnt going to leave and that he can still compartmentalise me!!! These are the things I need to cling to.

 

I'm right there with you! ExMM and I were friends way before the affair. I knew him out of the affair setting and he was a good guy and we very compatible as well. Our situation made being together for real a non factor for me as it in reality, I just couldn't see it working. He's also not unattractive. In fact, he's quite handsome. The sex was the same as you describe but I often wonder if that because it was something we rarely ever had. I did the math, in 30 months time of having an affair we'd had sex about 10 times. It would seriously go months and months before we saw each other. I'm sure that contributed to the passion/chemistry.

 

I don't have memories of horrible things he said to me to cling to when I miss him. He was always very good to me. Never once said things to hurt me or tried to push me away. Put up with my crazy emotions that the affair caused and always helped me through them without a complaint or comment about how how I was acting. He didn't do the cold thing after sex either. Overall he was very supportive and understanding when it came to my feelings.

 

I do have the way the things he said when he made his exit. That is what I cling to when I get caught up in missing him. He hurt me purposefully then and didn't care. I think that is what had me so shocked and devastated about his words. They were new and I truly never thought that man would hurt me.

 

I've also clinging to the roller coaster of emotions of the affair. The constant checking of my email and the feeling of disappointment if there wasn't one from him. The ups and downs and the amount of crazy emotions the affair made me feel. the sneaking around and the secrets. Ugh, I'm so beyond happy that I'm no longer dealing with that. It reeked havoc on my emotional well being.

 

I do find it interesting that so many of us have issues with our dads. Mine was in and out of my life all of my childhood. He seemed to come around when he had a girlfriend and then disappear when they broke up. I stopped talking to him when I was in highshool. I ended up inviting him back into my life when I was 20 but my dad is my dad and ruined that too so I made the choice to cut him out completely. I haven't spoken to him since I was 22 and honestly have no idea where he is or if he's even alive. He has no idea he even has grandchildren. What a sad life for him. I'm sure his absence in my life and the feeling I always had of not being good enough has played a huge role in my need for external valadation. Thanks dad lol

[MidnightBlue1980]

xMM is short, 25 lbs overweight, older, going bald and has erectile dysfunction disorder and premature ejaculation. My friend says he looks like that Muppet who sat over the theater with the big bushy eyebrows. Sex was a pretty dismal experience, he was selfish and had no idea how to please a woman. It was all about him.

 

My H is taller, good looking, younger, and is very good in bed. But he always found me lacking, he compared me to these pornos and after 8 years of criticism and complaints, my self esteem was through the floor. It was amazing to have a man call me beautiful and be grateful for sexual pleasure. I felt like a woman and I loved him for how he made me feel about myself, confident and sexy. I would have lived in a cardboard box with him if he had wanted to be with me for real.

 

I keep NC, well he is being monitored by his wife now, but he said eventually she will stop again, but I will still keep NC. She is getting him away from me, recognized that I had feelings for him and he was "torturing" me, so I will not interfere in her marriage anymore. She loves him and I can only imagine how it felt to see the truth and finally learn she was being lied to for all this time. She could have made my life a living nightmare with all the information she has on me, but all she wants is to separate us, so I will comply.

 

Like everyone else here, it really doesn't work to try and keep NC by focusing on him - even if it is negative thing, because you are still thinking about him. It's better to focus on yourself. Do I think of him? Of course. But he's there and she wants him, so I am out.

 

2017 - the year of me.

[DKT3]

The dynamic is as common as MW having affairs with MM and not single men.

 

Unattractive married men pose no threat at first, then one day all of a sudden there is wn emotional attachment and the affair is off and running. At that point bs and shortcomings are over looked.

[gettingstronger]

The need for external validation has serious consequences. My best guess is you are equal in the looks department to everyone else. Understanding that will probably help in becoming a healthier you.

[MidnightBlue1980]

The dynamic is as common as MW having affairs with MM and not single men.

 

Unattractive married men pose no threat at first, then one day all of a sudden there is wn emotional attachment and the affair is off and running. At that point bs and shortcomings are over looked.

 

Yes. Women tend to be wary of really good looking guys, we suspect they just want to hook up but unattractive guys come across as shy, goofy and harmless. We find their crush on us sweet. It's a massive act by them. The proverbial wolf in sheep's clothing.

[DKT3]

The need for external validation has serious consequences. My best guess is you are equal in the looks department to everyone else. Understanding that will probably help in becoming a healthier you.

 

I'm not so sure about that, I've met a lot of men who had cheating wives and they had a very hard time understanding what she saw in MM.....there is an be over in n the Infidelity section now.

[MidnightBlue1980]

The need for external validation has serious consequences. My best guess is you are equal in the looks department to everyone else. Understanding that will probably help in becoming a healthier you.

 

It's all relative. Where I am from, NYC, I am one in a crowd - just another tall, long haired, highlighted woman in her 40s in her skinny jeans. My looks are commonplace. No one looks at me twice.

 

But put me in this backwards town outside of a small city in a different state and I am a runway model. I look totally different here from everyone else, like some kind of exotic creature.

 

One of the first things xmm said was that he loved was to go out with me because everyone looked at him with me and he felt important, something he never felt with his wife. I thought it was really odd, as I do not think myself anything special and brushed it off. Now I realize I should have paid more attention. I was just an object to him. I am much more aware today.