Affair partner and kids - experience appreciated

[seekingtruth1234]

Long story short. 3 years with AP. All things you expect. We certainly believe we are different and that our love is deep. We have each since divorced our spouses and believe that was happening anyway and the affair was a symptom and not cause of divorce, both were unhappy (not naive enough to think it wasn't a catalyst). Even if we weren't still together, neither would ever consider going back to ex.

 

AP has 3 young kids (ages 10 through 6). I've got older kids 21 through 15. I am older than her by 14 years. I've maintained good relationship with my kids throughout, they were not surprised by divorce. My kids know about the affair and are guarded, but still are close to me.

 

AP has no help at all from her ex, everything on her shoulders. He is involved on a very limited basis, and has shown no parental instincts. Her kids are too young to know about affair.

 

I am a good father to my kids, active, attentive, involved, communicative. My relationship with AP has always been filled with love, respect, caring, teamwork.

 

My question is:

 

Through our relationship, have not met her kids yet (for reasons on both sides). But we are both now ready to do this VERY VERY SLOWLY. I would eagerly fully embrace them, support them, play whatever role is needed (homework, cook dinners, become someone they can depend on)

 

I am no abandoning my kids at all, will continue to be fully involved, not looking to move in with AP anytime soon.

 

I am looking for anyone who has had experience (good or bad), where the AP has met kids and over the long term, whether it has a positive or negative effect on the young kids growth as people (assuming they see their mom happy, respected, loved and the AP becomes involved, loving, caring).

 

I expect a period of non-acceptance and I don't expect things to be smooth, but I am really curious about long-term impact on the young children. I know hard to predict, but would love real-life experiences or thoughts.

[MidnightBlue1980]

 

I am looking for anyone who has had experience (good or bad), where the AP has met kids and over the long term, whether it has a positive or negative effect on the young kids growth as people (assuming they see their mom happy, respected, loved and the AP becomes involved, loving, caring).

 

I expect a period of non-acceptance and I don't expect things to be smooth, but I am really curious about long-term impact on the young children. I know hard to predict, but would love real-life experiences or thoughts.

 

I have a male friend who met a woman who was married with 4 kids. They had an affair and eventually she left and divorced her husband. She was a SAHM with no money, my friend paid for the divorce, so it was a long ordeal. At some point they moved in together, got engaged and had a big wedding. The kids seem pretty happy. It's all about consistency - my friend was committed to marrying this woman and became a father to the kids.

 

You need to be really sure that is the path you are on. You do not want the kids to get attached to you and then bail. They will be heartbroken, especially without a father in their lives. It is a huge commitment, other people's kids. My own drive me crazy so I honestly respect anyone who is a parent to someone else's kids. I don't think I could do it.

[l8estnews]

I am looking for anyone who has had experience (good or bad), where the AP has met kids and over the long term, whether it has a positive or negative effect on the young kids growth as people (assuming they see their mom happy, respected, loved and the AP becomes involved, loving, caring).

 

I expect a period of non-acceptance and I don't expect things to be smooth, but I am really curious about long-term impact on the young children. I know hard to predict, but would love real-life experiences or thoughts.

 

I have no experience as a partner, but I have experience as the child with a parent involved in an affair/new family.

 

Don't just think about the AP's kids. Think about her kids AND your kids, and how their dynamics will be. Your kids are 21 and 15. Seems like they are "old" enough to understand but no. You will always be "Father" in their eyes, and you being "loving and caring" to your AP's kids might trigger jealousy and feeling of emotional abandonment. I understand that you would like to build a good relationship with your AP's kids but technically, it will be difficult to juggle since you also have your own kids to take care of.

 

I've read a poster here once where he saw his father fetching his AP's daughter in the same bus he is riding in. But the father ignored his own child.

 

This is a very big responsibility, and you will really have to trudge carefully.

[seekingtruth1234]

Greatly appreciate that insight and you make an excellent point. I am trying to not be blinded and want to tread carefully here. I don't want in any way to give my kids the perception that I've adopted a new family.

[BluesPower]

Yes MB is correct, before you go there make sure you guys are in it for the long haul.

 

If you are not sure, do not come into the kids lives. That type of thing is just so wrong. No one should bring people into the lives of their children that are not going to stay.

[minimariah]

No one should bring people into the lives of their children that are not going to stay.

 

no one knows who WILL, WON'T stay in their lives; you can assume and be SURE or NOT quite sure based on assumptions but... you never know & really - there is no way of knowing.

 

OP --- not sure if you want my insight... i am a BS, my xH had an affair and we'd decided to divorce. he is now married to his AP. on the other hand, i'm married to a man who has children from his previous marriage although we weren't affair partners. i'm going to write about my experience in general but feel free to ask some more direct and detailed questions if you wish.

 

about the affair - our child was younger than 5 years old during the divorce & obviously... we didn't tell her anything. not much folks knew anyway, his AP didn't have any kids of her own so... we decided that we won't tell our child until she's old enough (she's a new teen now) & until she can fully discuss the subject. time is passing us by and we still don't know IF we'll tell her at all because at this point... it's irrelevant. so i think you should focus on stepparenting first, affair or not -- affair will and does make things more difficult but you're no different than any other stepparent trying to figure it out. my xH and i discussed our child, his AP and her role in our child's life very openly - i am not sure if that's an option for you with your AP's xH but it is certainly the best approach. my xH introduced his AP to our child SLOWLY over two years of their open relationship and about a year after we'd broken up - they went on dates first. just hanging out, getting to know each other - twice a month then once a week. they discussed with the daughter openly the role her life (appropriate for her age) and told her they'll live together part time... they communicated with her. made sure she is okay with everything, made sure i am okay with everything... it was a lot of communication from all sides. when you move in and start living together - THEN you start parenting the kids and having a more significant role in their day to day activities.

 

stepparenting in general - depends on one's views and parenting approach. for example:

 

The kids seem pretty happy. It's all about consistency - my friend was committed to marrying this woman and became a father to the kids.

 

this is something we tried VERY hard to avoid. my daughter has a mother and it's me. she doesn't need a new mother & if her father and her stepmother decide to divorce in the future - she won't lose a mother. same way - she has a father and that's my xH - if i divorce my husband... she won't lose a father. the thing i would point out is respecting the other parent and NOT stepping on that parent's toes - it is all about balance. now... in your situation - the father is absent (?). that still doesn't mean that you should assume the role of a new father, act as a new father to the children because the kids are always parented by more than JUST a father anyway - they are also parented by their older siblings, uncles, grandparents, aunts... and stepparents. besides, they feel the absence of their parent and that can't really be replaced with another person trying to fill the same role.

 

my husband does parent my daughter and so does my daughter's stepmother - however, that is always within the boundaries that are set by me and my xH. your AP needs to let her xH know that she will introduce the kids to you - otherwise he can use it against her. no matter how involved or not involved he is, as long as he has legal rights... you need to pay attention to him, notify him, work out with him what is or isn't appropriate and so on. you cannot ever disrespect him in front of the kids, you need to follow the guidelines set for you by your AP AND her xH. it CAN get ugly so you need to be super careful and think about everything. again - it comes down to what your parenting style is like. my daughter is SUPER close to her stepparents BUT the roles are known in her life -- she is aware who has what responsibilites, who are her parents and who parents her in what way. just something you figure out through communication and even professional guidance isn't a bad idea.

 

now... my husband has children from his previous marriage. they're college kids now and my daughter is younger so she requires more parenting when she's spending the week with us. we had a situation where my husband played this child game with my daughter and bonded with her in a cute way... his older son was visiting from college and felt SOMETHING. he felt sadness, nostalgia... something. my husband immediately noticed and talked to him, worked it out - i am afraid that's something you cannot avoid. those moments where you clearly see your child grieving for their home and their family. so you can't stop your kids to reacting and dealing with a loss of their own. it's all life and it's important to communicate a lot, to verbally assure your children that you're not going anywhere. also - make sure you spend some time with just them. find something you like doing together, a common activity... something that will be JUST yours. it can also be something smaller as a nickname or something along those lines.

 

you won't really know the results of your parenting until the kids are old enough to start their own families - THAT is when the patterns come out. it can turn out either super bad or super good. i've seen many examples of parental alienation done by the APs and the stepparents AND by the BS. i've seen most who do well and have their own relationships: i think most stepparents make a mistake trying to imitate the relationship they have with their own children or parents; your relationship should grow and you should be okay with whatever direction it takes you in as long as it's respectful. you don't have to be super close to the children and you shouldn't expect that either - expect respect and build from there. how will your affair impact your children and the AP's children - WHEN and IF they find out...? no one can answer that. there are some studies and they are generally not really positive or optimistic so i'd encourage you to just try to make it work your own way.

Edited November 9, 2016 by minimariah

[seekingtruth1234]

mini mariah,

thanks for the great response and detail. it continues to be a complicated web and will continue to be one. key points are communication, openness and not have expectations or need to rush into anything. patience. and i know every situation is different and i know kids are fragile, no matter what age. more discussion with AP (and possibly her BS, I say possibly because he may not be open to it) about what role I play and how I get introduced and at what pace.

 

i do know we both are in no rush and no slow and steady will win the race.

 

thanks again for great input. if i come up with specific questions, i will add to the thread.

[goodyblue]

My h was married when we began our r. He divorced and we have been married for some years now. I have Six kids, two of them grown, he has one in her late twenties.

 

My kids absolutely adore my h. He is like a father to them and to the two youngest he is all they know. If anything happened and we broke up my kids would be devastated.

 

My h's daughter, while being 'okay' about the kids, will never really accept me. She feels there is a competition where there is none. We are nice to one another but it is clear how she feels. She also remarked recently that the only time my h seems truly happy is when he talks about my kids, also saying that she only sees him once a month. These things are not true, they have dinner once a week and text daily, take yearly trips to exotic locations around the world. But it doesn't really matter if this is how she feels.

 

There has to be a balance. She feels she must take her mom's side so we will never be close as her mom is very bitter. I feel bad that she feels that way but won't do anything to interfere. Not mine to do. Her mom perpetuates that and it is a little sad, the pull she must feel.

 

I don't hate my h's daughter, and I wish things were more than just civil but I won't push her. She also understood the issues and said the divorce was inevitable, but that doesn't make her have to like it.

 

For my side the transition was easy and a blessing. On his side, rougher, but okay.

[minimariah]

more discussion with AP (and possibly her BS, I say possibly because he may not be open to it) about what role I play and how I get introduced and at what pace.

 

^ this. COMMUNICATE with your AP - after all... you will have (as a stepparent) as much power as SHE gives you (& indirectly - the children's father). discuss with her how she sees your role in the children's lives.

 

about the BS - i really encourage both you and your AP to reach out and open some kind of discussion (it might even be with professional guidance) about your role in the children's lives & about the boundaries. it might work out, it might not. he might refuse - in that case, you'll move on with your life and focus on being civil and coparenting well. he might try to make your life a nightmare - expect the worse BUT i really think it's important that you TRY, that you make an effort. it can save you a LOT of trouble.

 

one more thing... when you meet the kids, if they adapt well... do not wait too long on living together part. if the kids are okay, just take it to another level and they will follow. remember - if the kids see YOU adapting well... they will, too. you shouldn't go too fast... but don't wait around too long either, you know? you should be careful, it is hard, there is a lot of communication needed, patience... but young kids tend to adapt quickly. the problems usually appear from the parents and it reflects on the kids. you opening this thread and trying to learn is a great sign... so you are already off to a good start. good luck!

[l8estnews]

no one knows who WILL, WON'T stay in their lives; you can assume and be SURE or NOT quite sure based on assumptions but... you never know & really - there is no way of knowing.

 

OP --- not sure if you want my insight... i am a BS, my xH had an affair and we'd decided to divorce. he is now married to his AP. on the other hand, i'm married to a man who has children from his previous marriage although we weren't affair partners. i'm going to write about my experience in general but feel free to ask some more direct and detailed questions if you wish.

 

about the affair - our child was younger than 5 years old during the divorce & obviously... we didn't tell her anything. not much folks knew anyway, his AP didn't have any kids of her own so... we decided that we won't tell our child until she's old enough (she's a new teen now) & until she can fully discuss the subject. time is passing us by and we still don't know IF we'll tell her at all because at this point... it's irrelevant. so i think you should focus on stepparenting first, affair or not -- affair will and does make things more difficult but you're no different than any other stepparent trying to figure it out. my xH and i discussed our child, his AP and her role in our child's life very openly - i am not sure if that's an option for you with your AP's xH but it is certainly the best approach. my xH introduced his AP to our child SLOWLY over two years of their open relationship and about a year after we'd broken up - they went on dates first. just hanging out, getting to know each other - twice a month then once a week. they discussed with the daughter openly the role her life (appropriate for her age) and told her they'll live together part time... they communicated with her. made sure she is okay with everything, made sure i am okay with everything... it was a lot of communication from all sides. when you move in and start living together - THEN you start parenting the kids and having a more significant role in their day to day activities.

 

stepparenting in general - depends on one's views and parenting approach. for example:

 

 

 

this is something we tried VERY hard to avoid. my daughter has a mother and it's me. she doesn't need a new mother & if her father and her stepmother decide to divorce in the future - she won't lose a mother. same way - she has a father and that's my xH - if i divorce my husband... she won't lose a father. the thing i would point out is respecting the other parent and NOT stepping on that parent's toes - it is all about balance. now... in your situation - the father is absent (?). that still doesn't mean that you should assume the role of a new father, act as a new father to the children because the kids are always parented by more than JUST a father anyway - they are also parented by their older siblings, uncles, grandparents, aunts... and stepparents. besides, they feel the absence of their parent and that can't really be replaced with another person trying to fill the same role.

 

my husband does parent my daughter and so does my daughter's stepmother - however, that is always within the boundaries that are set by me and my xH. your AP needs to let her xH know that she will introduce the kids to you - otherwise he can use it against her. no matter how involved or not involved he is, as long as he has legal rights... you need to pay attention to him, notify him, work out with him what is or isn't appropriate and so on. you cannot ever disrespect him in front of the kids, you need to follow the guidelines set for you by your AP AND her xH. it CAN get ugly so you need to be super careful and think about everything. again - it comes down to what your parenting style is like. my daughter is SUPER close to her stepparents BUT the roles are known in her life -- she is aware who has what responsibilites, who are her parents and who parents her in what way. just something you figure out through communication and even professional guidance isn't a bad idea.

 

now... my husband has children from his previous marriage. they're college kids now and my daughter is younger so she requires more parenting when she's spending the week with us. we had a situation where my husband played this child game with my daughter and bonded with her in a cute way... his older son was visiting from college and felt SOMETHING. he felt sadness, nostalgia... something. my husband immediately noticed and talked to him, worked it out - i am afraid that's something you cannot avoid. those moments where you clearly see your child grieving for their home and their family. so you can't stop your kids to reacting and dealing with a loss of their own. it's all life and it's important to communicate a lot, to verbally assure your children that you're not going anywhere. also - make sure you spend some time with just them. find something you like doing together, a common activity... something that will be JUST yours. it can also be something smaller as a nickname or something along those lines.

 

you won't really know the results of your parenting until the kids are old enough to start their own families - THAT is when the patterns come out. it can turn out either super bad or super good. i've seen many examples of parental alienation done by the APs and the stepparents AND by the BS. i've seen most who do well and have their own relationships: i think most stepparents make a mistake trying to imitate the relationship they have with their own children or parents; your relationship should grow and you should be okay with whatever direction it takes you in as long as it's respectful. you don't have to be super close to the children and you shouldn't expect that either - expect respect and build from there. how will your affair impact your children and the AP's children - WHEN and IF they find out...? no one can answer that. there are some studies and they are generally not really positive or optimistic so i'd encourage you to just try to make it work your own way.

 

How you understand our feelings, I will never know. But one thing is for sure: I hope you were my stepmother. Hahaha!! I wish all stepmoms to be like you.

[seekingtruth1234]

MiniMariah,

Thanks again for the deep insight. At the end of the day, its not so much that I want to be a father to my APs kids, more of a father-figure, a role model, someone that over time has more of a positive influence on their lives than a negative influence. I am a father to my kids and always will be and as was said here, I need to ensure my kids know that every step of the way

[amomwhoknows]

Lets talk about your kids instead. I don't know how many are still under 18 and I don't know their gender. I can't tell from your post if they have been introduced to her and how much time they really spend with you.

 

You say that you will remain involved. But if she needs help with daily activities, etc. How will this impact your ability to do for your older, likely more independent kids? For example, her three kids need to be two places, and your kid has a high school soccer game. Which will you prioritize, cause your EX will be at the soccer game. Your "close" relationship with your kids will change quickly if they see your prioritizing her kids over them.

 

How confident are you that you can balance the needs of your older kids and the needs of her kids? Is your AP "rocking" single parenting without you? If so, then you should be confident that she can manage when you have conflicts that require you to be there for your kids.

 

I read your vision of blending as it relates to her kids -- what is your vision for your kids? Do you expect to have all the kids under one roof at the same time (at least your minor kid(s) and hers)? Will everyone have their own space? Do you have a housing situation where your teens can be teens while the 6 year old can be six? Do your kids even spend the night with you now?

 

Your kids are cautious but you haven't blended, and that can go a lot of different ways. I am guessing that they don't spend much (any?) time with her. And so they seem ok. If you integrate her into their lives, they might not be so ok. Think about things in the immediate future graduations, birthdays, etc and what you think you would want to include your "new family" in and how your kids might feel about it. What about parents weekend at college - - will you be comfortable going without her and her kids? Will she be comfortable if not invited?

 

THEN ask yourself (and maybe her), how she will feel if not included in these events? If there are only X tickets, or your kids genuinely don't want thereor there isn't room, how do you plan to handle it.

 

It is nice to worry about your role with her kids, but you need to also be focusing on your kids and how this impacts them. Even though they are older.

[minimariah]

...its not so much that I want to be a father to my APs kids, more of a father-figure...

 

that's a trap -- when you LIVE with the kids, when you bond with them, love them... the line between trying to replace their father and step into that role AND be a father figure... gets blurred. also, your AP's xH might reactivate himself as the children's father once he finds out you're going to be involved - i've seen it happen a lot. it's a bumpy road, for sure... every now and then - a new problem pops up and it never really stops. it's never calm waters, if you know what i mean.

[goodyblue]

Lets talk about your kids instead. I don't know how many are still under 18 and I don't know their gender. I can't tell from your post if they have been introduced to her and how much time they really spend with you.

 

You say that you will remain involved. But if she needs help with daily activities, etc. How will this impact your ability to do for your older, likely more independent kids? For example, her three kids need to be two places, and your kid has a high school soccer game. Which will you prioritize, cause your EX will be at the soccer game. Your "close" relationship with your kids will change quickly if they see your prioritizing her kids over them.

 

How confident are you that you can balance the needs of your older kids and the needs of her kids? Is your AP "rocking" single parenting without you? If so, then you should be confident that she can manage when you have conflicts that require you to be there for your kids.

 

I read your vision of blending as it relates to her kids -- what is your vision for your kids? Do you expect to have all the kids under one roof at the same time (at least your minor kid(s) and hers)? Will everyone have their own space? Do you have a housing situation where your teens can be teens while the 6 year old can be six? Do your kids even spend the night with you now?

 

Your kids are cautious but you haven't blended, and that can go a lot of different ways. I am guessing that they don't spend much (any?) time with her. And so they seem ok. If you integrate her into their lives, they might not be so ok. Think about things in the immediate future graduations, birthdays, etc and what you think you would want to include your "new family" in and how your kids might feel about it. What about parents weekend at college - - will you be comfortable going without her and her kids? Will she be comfortable if not invited?

 

THEN ask yourself (and maybe her), how she will feel if not included in these events? If there are only X tickets, or your kids genuinely don't want thereor there isn't room, how do you plan to handle it.

 

It is nice to worry about your role with her kids, but you need to also be focusing on your kids and how this impacts them. Even though they are older.

 

I loved this post. It is so important to make sure your kids are ok. The issue I have is that if OP is super involved with his girlfriend kids, it's ok and it feels like you a re making a bigger issue than needs be. Obviously he is a parent to his and if something big comes up they talk it out. He isn't going to dump his kids for hers. I have two grade schoolers and two teenagers in my house and they don't need separate space, wee are a family. If that means tripping over your seven year old brother while you dance to that Drake garbage, so be it. If there are several things going on at once, you split duties just like any other family, married or divorced, or you go with highest priority. Sorry you missed karate but your sister is graduating. It's not rocket science.

 

Just make sure the communication lines are open and let your ex and your kids know things can be worked out. It will be all right, it happens every single day with millions of people.

 

Not only that but it is good for ALL the kids to know you can't always have it your way. Not how the world works.

[seekingtruth1234]

Amomwhoknows,

Appreciate the additional good points and you are 100% right. I've been focusing on her kids in this discussion thread and can't forget about mine. My AP and I need to talk through things a lot more. My kids met her a couple of times, I don't anticipate them embracing her too much. And my AP expects and accepts that. We will need to prioritize events and make sure we are OK if I go to graduation (as an example) for my kids and she doesn't join.

 

But I assume these questions and decisions will come into play with any woman I am with, AP or not. My daughter told me that "I shouldn't expect her to embrace anyone I am with".

 

I definitely don't envision us living a blended life, under one roof, singing kum bah ya. There will be holidays and vacations and life events to navigate. Not even sure when (or if) I co-habitate with my AP. But if I do, likely won't be for several years and both my AP and I agree with that.

[amomwhoknows]

Amomwhoknows,

Appreciate the additional good points and you are 100% right. I've been focusing on her kids in this discussion thread and can't forget about mine. My AP and I need to talk through things a lot more. My kids met her a couple of times, I don't anticipate them embracing her too much. And my AP expects and accepts that. We will need to prioritize events and make sure we are OK if I go to graduation (as an example) for my kids and she doesn't join.

 

But I assume these questions and decisions will come into play with any woman I am with, AP or not. My daughter told me that "I shouldn't expect her to embrace anyone I am with".

 

I definitely don't envision us living a blended life, under one roof, singing kum bah ya. There will be holidays and vacations and life events to navigate. Not even sure when (or if) I co-habitate with my AP. But if I do, likely won't be for several years and both my AP and I agree with that.

 

I wrote this from the perspective of two adults dating with children, regardless of how they met. You need to know that teens, in particular, keep score, and while they need to learn that they don't always get what they want (from the post above), you just have a few more years before they are grown and gone. How you handle your relationship with them right now is fairly critical to the relationship you will have with them as adults.

 

Because of how you ended your marriage though, may make it trickier for your kids in terms of parent loyalty. Maneuvering that is tricky for the parent who left. Sounds like you are doing a good job so far.

[Jersey born raised]

I think MiniMariah summed it up perfectly. Think in terms of uncle/aunt favorite teacher, mentor but not as parent.

[Sequitur328]

I am not sure I am able to share any personal experiences with you concerning your situation, however, I do think the mind and heart of a child is very precious and fragile. I believe God is greatly concerned with children's lives so I encourage you to do whats best for them.

[Got it]

My husband (MM) had children that were teen and pre teen when we both divorced and dated. I did not have children. We went very slow and I did not interact with them until he was divorced (I had divorced by that point) and at the children's okay. We did not push any of them and allowed them to set the pace. I also made sure to give them a lot of one on one time with their father (which is also why we went slow, he had to establish his relationship with them solo). We dated for a few years before marrying as well to just keep it slow.

 

It has continued to improve with time, we have added our own daughter to the mix and his kids are all in college or graduating now. I always saw my role as an enforcer of mom and dad's rules but I did not discipline or parent them. I was an adult friend I guess, I guess like the aunt/uncle analogy another poster gave. Over time did one on one things with them and now they come and go as they please. I was the one that did the most behind the wheel driving with them since it stressed the parents out too much. And I am the one that goes shopping with them as I some how had the best luck on getting one of the boys to actually pick out clothes!

 

Just go slow and especially with the older kids let them have say/control. A lot has happened that they have no control over so tried to give them power whenever appropriate. We were also going to do counseling but his ex wife didn't allow it (live in a state that requires both parent's permission) so family counseling is another option.