How to deal with Sexless Marriage? Wife is sick

[What-2-Do]

So, my marriage has been rocky for the past 2 years. Haven't been on a date with my wife in over 2 years now and our sex life has been on a major decline during this time.

 

7 months ago my wife got Lyme Disease and basically I haven't had sex for the past 7 months and I'm going insane. My wife is capable of having sex or doing other things but completely refuses to do so because everything has been about her. I understand she doesn't feel good and I've become nothing more than a caretaker and roommate to her. If our marriage wasn't in decline for the past 2 years it wouldn't be as big an issue but I'm starting to lose my mind.

 

I messaged her today that I'm going to explode and she just didn't care. Everything is always about her and it's more or less been a 1 sided marriage. how do I cope with being sexless and basically feeling lifeless any longer?

[central]

Divorce? You can start dating once you separate. If the marriage was already failing before she got sick, then you have cause. Besides, Lyme is curable, and in itself not usually sufficient to preclude sex.

[VeveCakes]

Is she willing to compromise at all? Have you discussed how the lack of sex is affecting your marriage and life?

[BluesPower]

Yeah I have been there, being a caretaker sucks the life out of you. Especially if they don't appreciate it or feel entitled.

 

Been there done that. Divorce is the best option IMHO if the marriage was not going well to begin with.

 

She is just not interested in help you at all with this issue? Gotta say that sure seems like a good reason to me...

[What-2-Do]

Is she willing to compromise at all? Have you discussed how the lack of sex is affecting your marriage and life?

 

Only a million times. First she said because of the antibiotics she was having yeast issues. She got medication for that and I asked for a bj. She then said she had thrush which I don't believe to be true. Anyways, I went out and got flavored condoms and said I would wear that. NOPE.

 

We went back to the Dr. and got a new script for the yeast and it's gone. GREAT. Now, she says she has a headache and feels dizzy.

 

Whenever I bring it up she throws it all back on me like I'm expecting too much. She's done ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to resolve this issue and I'm on the verge of throwing in the towel.

 

I can't go another week without some sexual contact.

[VeveCakes]

Have you told her that is where you are at now? I would suggest counselling...otherwise the options are bleak.

[BluesPower]

I say let her know that you are filing...

 

Tell her what you are going to do and do it.

 

File for divorce.

[Sand to Glass]

Only a million times. First she said because of the antibiotics she was having yeast issues. She got medication for that and I asked for a bj. She then said she had thrush which I don't believe to be true. Anyways, I went out and got flavored condoms and said I would wear that. NOPE.

 

We went back to the Dr. and got a new script for the yeast and it's gone. GREAT. Now, she says she has a headache and feels dizzy.

 

Whenever I bring it up she throws it all back on me like I'm expecting too much. She's done ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to resolve this issue and I'm on the verge of throwing in the towel.

 

I can't go another week without some sexual contact.

 

Might be worth taking a step back. Evaluate. Go back to the early years when you were dating. Try courting again? Make a romantic night or two. Massage, and wine. Stuff like that.

 

Personally, I don't like being asked straight up for sex. It makes it a favor, a chore. And when you're already feeling iffy or down, you just say no. Which then upsets the other person, makes you feel worse, and the cycle repeats. But if I'm feeling down and my partner starts being romantic, that brings me back up and then he doesn't have to ask, he just gets.

 

I've been on both sides of the coin with the sexless relationship, I definitely understand your frustration. Just offering a little insight.

[Michelle ma Belle]

Listen, relationships, regardless if you're married or not is a two way street. It takes two people to make it work. Period.

 

What should you do about a relationship where your wife is completely unwilling to meet you half way?

 

At the very least counselling if you think you still want to save your marriage. But be warned that that too is only as good as the two people going and desire to save your relationship. The real work starts after you leave the therapists office and so often that is where marriages break down, someone isn't willing to do the work.

 

If that doesn't work out then you have a very hard decision to make that only YOU can make.

 

You already said the writing has been on the wall for two years previous to her sickness and (again) she doesn't seem especially moved to action by your feelings regarding the state of your marriage so...

 

As far as I see it you have two choice; zip it and deal with what you've been handed as best as you can or get out.

 

When one partner completely shuts down it's only a matter of time before things implode.

 

Good luck.

[What-2-Do]

Might be worth taking a step back. Evaluate. Go back to the early years when you were dating. Try courting again? Make a romantic night or two. Massage, and wine. Stuff like that.

 

Personally, I don't like being asked straight up for sex. It makes it a favor, a chore. And when you're already feeling iffy or down, you just say no. Which then upsets the other person, makes you feel worse, and the cycle repeats. But if I'm feeling down and my partner starts being romantic, that brings me back up and then he doesn't have to ask, he just gets.

 

I've been on both sides of the coin with the sexless relationship, I definitely understand your frustration. Just offering a little insight.

 

I did actually. I spent 2 weeks where I made sure the house was always perfectly clean, dishes done, and would come home and just cuddle with her. I wouldn't try to initiate anything just hold her and rub her head and tell her how much I cared about her etc

 

Nothing even remotely happened. At the end of the two weeks I tried being more romantic in hopes something would spark and I was instantly shot down

 

As for getting wine or going on a romantic date she won't do either. She's very close minded and I'm at my limit.

 

She knows I'm nearly done and ready to move out and divorce and all she can say to that is that all that matters is that she gets her health back. I ask about my needs and they just don't seem to matter

[BluesPower]

I agree that a relationship needs romance, but in this case it would seem like real romance is just out of the question.

 

If she is sick I can understand not wanting an all day romp in the hay, but would a hand job be too much to ask?

 

And for the record, if I have to ask a woman for sex, she does not get to be my woman for very long.

 

If that stuff is not natural where you always expect to come together unless one of you has the flu and even then sometimes, then I am not interested. I will get it somewhere else.

 

The no sex thing, except for a super valid reason, is a no go for me. It is just not going to happen. I do keep my end up on the romance factor by the way.

[Grumpybutfun]

Lack of sex is always about a myriad of issues in a relationship. There is a breakdown of the most fundamental component which is trust. I'm not suggesting she thinks you are cheating, just that you do not value her, make her feel safe in the relationship and with your love for her, or you are completely missing the real issue for the focus on your penis.

 

Many here will tell you to divorce. LS has gotten lazy, but most know here also that usually if a marriage has been reduced to sex being off the table it means that the rest of the marriage is completely broken. Sit down and write down what you need and then ask her to do the same thing. If she can't be bothered, it means she has checked out already and you can move on without guilt since you can't fix a problem you don't understand, but if she is frustrated and feels unloved, underappreciated or feels you just don't care about her needs, you might be able to communicate how you both can fix the issues you both bring up.

 

What most men don't understand, and I have been here a long time, is that lack of sex is the indicator to them that something is wrong with their relationships. However, to the women in their lives, it is just the proof that the marriage/relationship already broke down a long time ago. Most people, especially women, cannot have sex when they feel emotionally unsupported.

 

Time to sit down face to face with her as her best friend and make an effort to fix the issues that makes her unable to respond to you sexually. Lyme disease is just a component of something that was already declining or broken.

Best,

Grumps

Edited November 9, 2016 by Grumpybutfun

[BluesPower]

I am not saying you should not talk to her, but OP says that he has many times.

 

I have a hard time understanding a woman that would intentionally deny any type of sex from her husband.

 

There is a point where, when you tried to talk to someone about an important issue and they blow you off, it is time to go.

 

OP may not be all the way there, but it seems to me that he is pretty close.

[ShatteredLady]

There's a pretty basic list of reasons why a woman doesn't want to have sex with you....

 

* Hormones (See a specialist. Not just the basic GP list.)

* Medications (Its a common side effect. Even contraceptives)

* Romance. Trust. Intimacy.

* Sex Appeal (Are you making yourself unattractive? Breath, BO etc.?)

 

* She's checked out. She just not that into you.

* She's not a sexual person. (Has she ever been sexual?)

 

.....All of those things are within control except the last!

 

Some great points have been made above. I'm a chronic spine pain patient. I've also had several other major health conditions in the last couple of years including women's cancer & surgery 'down there'.

 

Feeling sick, frightened & in pain makes me WANT closeness & affection. I might not always be capable of a full-on long session but there are always lots of snugly, sexy, loving stuff to do....So WHY don't I always want to be naked in my H's arms?

 

I know my answers. You need to find your wife's.

 

Note - I (most of the time) agree with the member who said that being asked for a BJ or whatever is actually a TURN OFF for me. When I'm not feeling 100% my instinctive response is "No! I don't feel like it". Doing things that make ME want to 'beg' for sex is far more effective. :eek:

[5x5]

I can't go another week without some sexual contact.

 

Since you've been saying this repeatedly, at length in multiple threads for months on another forum, without doing anything substantive to change your situation.

 

I'm pretty sure you can go a lot longer than another week without any sexual contact.

[aileD]

Since you've been saying this repeatedly, at length in multiple threads for months on another forum, without doing anything substantive to change your situation.

 

I'm pretty sure you can go a lot longer than another week without any sexual contact.

 

Are you unable to masturbate?

 

Doesn't solve the marriage problems but it's not like you can't get off. I know it's not the same but single people do it all the time.

 

Take sex out of it...your marriage is good or not?

[What-2-Do]

Are you unable to masturbate?

 

Doesn't solve the marriage problems but it's not like you can't get off. I know it's not the same but single people do it all the time.

 

Take sex out of it...your marriage is good or not?

 

Take the sex out and our marriage still sucks. We haven't gone on a date in over 2 years. All she wants to do is watch TV and we are barely even roommates. I think the reality is that i just need to get the balls to leave and get it done. She knows I'm looking to get out.

 

I can masturbate but shouldn't be forced to being married. You know it's bad when my employees asked me today what was going on with my wife and I. They said they notice we don't interact the same and she's NEVER around anymore.

[BettyDraper]

Take the sex out and our marriage still sucks. We haven't gone on a date in over 2 years. All she wants to do is watch TV and we are barely even roommates. I think the reality is that i just need to get the balls to leave and get it done. She knows I'm looking to get out.

 

I can masturbate but shouldn't be forced to being married. You know it's bad when my employees asked me today what was going on with my wife and I. They said they notice we don't interact the same and she's NEVER around anymore.

 

You have answered your own question. Time to leave.

[Popsicle]

What you do is suck it up and stay married and watch a lot of porn.

[What-2-Do]

What you do is suck it up and stay married and watch a lot of porn.

 

I can't even look at porn anymore because it only pisses me off. I get frustrated because I'm forced to do without and get turned down every time I try.

[What-2-Do]

You have answered your own question. Time to leave.

 

I def. think you're right. Now, I need to figure out how to actually leave. It clearly takes a ton of money and time.

[ShatteredLady]

Take the sex out and our marriage still sucks. We haven't gone on a date in over 2 years. All she wants to do is watch TV and we are barely even roommates. I think the reality is that i just need to get the balls to leave and get it done. She knows I'm looking to get out.

 

I can masturbate but shouldn't be forced to being married. You know it's bad when my employees asked me today what was going on with my wife and I. They said they notice we don't interact the same and she's NEVER around anymore.

 

 

So "She knows I'm looking to get out."!!!! That's not exactly a turn-on for women.

 

You say that your employees asked TODAY, yet you say it's been terrible for years. Could you be rewriting history a bit because of your feelings of rejection & frustration?

 

It very often takes years for Lyme to be diagnosed. Do you know how long she's been sick for? Your wife sounds incredibly depressed & very frightened by her health. Has she also put on weight & stopped taking care of her appearance?

 

How long have you been married for? Do you have children? How old are you both?

 

I get the feeling that there's a lot more to this than a wife withholding sex.

[dreamingoftigers]

So "She knows I'm looking to get out."!!!! That's not exactly a turn-on for women.

 

You say that your employees asked TODAY, yet you say it's been terrible for years. Could you be rewriting history a bit because of your feelings of rejection & frustration?

 

It very often takes years for Lyme to be diagnosed. Do you know how long she's been sick for? Your wife sounds incredibly depressed & very frightened by her health. Has she also put on weight & stopped taking care of her appearance?

 

How long have you been married for? Do you have children? How old are you both?

 

I get the feeling that there's a lot more to this than a wife withholding sex.

 

As you know, my husband is the withholder and it pisses me off.

 

But I fully agree with you.

[LastAcorn99]

I’m so sorry about your situation. This must be really challenging for you. I would strongly suggest you seek the help of a counselor soon. Sending you prayers.

[What-2-Do]

So "She knows I'm looking to get out."!!!! That's not exactly a turn-on for women.

 

You say that your employees asked TODAY, yet you say it's been terrible for years. Could you be rewriting history a bit because of your feelings of rejection & frustration?

 

It very often takes years for Lyme to be diagnosed. Do you know how long she's been sick for? Your wife sounds incredibly depressed & very frightened by her health. Has she also put on weight & stopped taking care of her appearance?

 

How long have you been married for? Do you have children? How old are you both?

 

I get the feeling that there's a lot more to this than a wife withholding sex.

 

She started feeling terrible back in May of this year. Fighting with her Primary Care Dr. who wouldn't diagnose her with Lyme we knew this is what she had so we sought out treatment with a Lyme Specialist. This isn't covered by our insurance so we pay out of pocket but she needs to get better so whatever.

 

She started Anti-biotics prob. around June and has been on them along with other prescriptions ever since.

 

She hasn't put on weight she's actually lost weight. She says that she has no appetite and is tired all the time. She no longer takes care of herself IMO.

 

We've been married for 12 1/2 years and have been together over 15 years. We are both 40 years old and have one 8 year old boy.

 

It's clear that there are more issues going on and whenever I try talking about it she just shuts down. She refuses to talk to anyone about it and won't go to counseling. I actually went last year by myself to try fixing our marriage but I had to stop because she was so unsupportive about it. When I would come home with a suggestion to try she would say "what did you get that from your crazy doctor?" Needless to say at that point it's not even worth trying.