How to deal with Sexless Marriage? Wife is sick

[whichwayisup]

As much as I want to save this marriage I don't think it can be saved. I think it's beyond that point to be totally honest.

 

Then pull the plug. Put yourself out of misery. Officially file for divorce. Be fair to your wife in the settlement.

[5x5]

As much as I want to save this marriage I don't think it can be saved. I think it's beyond that point to be totally honest.

 

Then divorce her like you said you were doing last month.

[Bufo]

Get out of Limbo one way or another. It's no place to be.

[Noirek]

I think the OP is trying to state that he wants the relationship to work and wants this relationship with his wife.

 

The OP can want the relationship to work all he wants. He can have posters coddle him and hild his hand. He can tune out" women" despite the fact his wife is a woman and the best way to reach her or know what is going on would be to listen to the women.

 

The only double standard on this site is those precieved by sensitive thin skinned pansies who don't really read what the other person writes. (Of course there are double stadard posters. People like that exsist. They are usually the ones who love to bring up the gender thing) He doesn't like me calling him out on his obsessing over sex and missing huge huge red flags given off by his wife. So he gaslights and moans it is because I am a woman and don't get it. Men and women are more alike than different studies show. And individuals are far more different regardless of gender than a neat line down the gender line. I am the one with the higher sex drive. I lived in a sexless marriage where it was over a year and we had only did it 5 times. And nothing even resembling it in between.

 

And you do obsess. And you do think about little else. And masturbation does not cut it.

 

But our thoughts, feelings and actions are in our control if we work on changing them. OP cannot change his wife. If he really is the most amazing and perfect husband and father ever than she is probably the most unfrateful and worst wife either. Codependancy anyone? She is happy to keep him by throwing him his bone to obsess over once in a blue moon. But nothing changes. Except maybe get worse.

 

I have no idea how someone after that many years could change that much. Gradual change for sure but this seems pretty drastic and like some event or earlier mental illness cropped up. Maybe she waa a victim of assault or something? I dunno. She seems darkly depressed. I would be concerned about her welfare over it.

 

OP, you can't save your wife (marriage) if she doesn't want to be.

 

For those that want to make it a gender thing. Think of a girl who is married to a real jerk. She keeps hoping he will change and if she is the sweetest most willing at sex wife ever maybe he will be a good nice guy after all. Maybe she can change him. The advice is: you can't change a jerk. Leave him.

 

OP, your wife is a Jerk. Leave her. Divorce doesn't have to be final. Read the 180. Implement it with the purpose of divorce not winning her back. And take good care of your son. There are plenty of women who like havig sex with their spouse and doing things. If your half as awesome as you think you are, you'll find one of them. Or maybe, your wife will hit rock bottom without your enabling of her (because seriously two years is not long enough to have honestly given every mehod you mentioned a fair shot, specially if you minus out the 7 months of illness where change would have been improbable)

[BettyDraper]

It's funny because the women on here will dog me because I want to have sex with my wife. I'm a guy and sex is important to me. If you knew anything about guys you would see that sex is like oxygen to us.

 

If you were to be put on testosterone for a couple of weeks I can promise you that you wouldn't be able to function. Am I hyper focused on sex now? Of course I am. I'm horny as all hell. I came on here for advice not to be told to not care about sex.

 

If sex isn't important to you then so be it. Also, if you think your husbands would be with you without sex you're wrong. Unless there is something wrong with him.

 

Nobody is dogging you for wanting sex with your wife. The women who have responded are appalled by the way you make sex the singular focus of your marriage coupled by the contemptuous way you talk about your wife. Women don't want to have sex with disrespectful men who treat us like glory holes.

 

Sex is important to me just as it is to most normal and healthy adults. However, grown ups understand that sex is not the only reason to fall in love with someone or stay with them. Your responses read like those of a teenager who throws tantrums when he doesn't get his way. Looking for advice doesn't guarantee that you will be told what you want to hear.

[What-2-Do]

She starts a fight with me tonight over a non-issue. I own my own business and it's a fitness gym. Anyways, I need to hire more staff. One of the girls I interviewed I really like. Some of the other instructors have some issues with her but they won't admit it's because she is very fit and very attractive.

 

The other instructors told my wife that they feel this girl has a crush on me so now my wife is pissed saying I can't hire her. I explained to my wife that if she actually came the day we interviewed her she would see this girl is great. I already told the girl I was going to hire her and now she expects me to tell her that I made a mistake.

 

At the end of the day I can't hire instructors that don't motivate other members.

[elaine567]

She starts a fight with me tonight over a non-issue. I own my own business and it's a fitness gym. Anyways, I need to hire more staff. One of the girls I interviewed I really like. Some of the other instructors have some issues with her but they won't admit it's because she is very fit and very attractive.

 

The other instructors told my wife that they feel this girl has a crush on me so now my wife is pissed saying I can't hire her. I explained to my wife that if she actually came the day we interviewed her she would see this girl is great. I already told the girl I was going to hire her and now she expects me to tell her that I made a mistake.

 

At the end of the day I can't hire instructors that don't motivate other members.

 

Yeah, keep telling yourself that...

You are now allowing sex to dictate your business.

I guess, you have in your mind hired a potential OW for yourself, and now have upset your team, not to mention your wife...

[whichwayisup]

Some of the other instructors have some issues with her but they won't admit it's because she is very fit and very attractive.

 

Have you specifically asked the other instructors why they have issues with this other girl? Maybe talk to them all to find out their reasons instead of assuming that it's because YOU think the above, bolded. I highly doubt that's their reason. As for your wife, well, you now have a choice, upset her more or try to use this a time to sit and talk to her honestly, lay it all out on the table, mention divorce and how unhappy you are. That you'd rather leave and be on your own than cheat on her because you aren't getting any sex. That's the reason why you want to end your marriage ,right? All about the bedroom?

 

Would you be considering divorce if you had sex regularly? What about all the other issues in your marriage, do they count or not so much if you're having sex. ?

[Sweetfish]

The OP can want the relationship to work all he wants. He can have posters coddle him and hild his hand. He can tune out" women" despite the fact his wife is a woman and the best way to reach her or know what is going on would be to listen to the women.

 

The only double standard on this site is those precieved by sensitive thin skinned pansies who don't really read what the other person writes. (Of course there are double stadard posters. People like that exsist. They are usually the ones who love to bring up the gender thing) He doesn't like me calling him out on his obsessing over sex and missing huge huge red flags given off by his wife. So he gaslights and moans it is because I am a woman and don't get it. Men and women are more alike than different studies show. And individuals are far more different regardless of gender than a neat line down the gender line. I am the one with the higher sex drive. I lived in a sexless marriage where it was over a year and we had only did it 5 times. And nothing even resembling it in between.

 

Interesting

 

Yeah.. he is obsessing over sex.. because its been 2 years. Men and women are not the same in this department...but believe what you want.

 

This is about gender because one of his needs is sex. Testosterone which you lack is vital to a man. But apparently you can give advice to a man who's drives are unique to men as a women needs are unique to women. Testosterone is a factor in making men cheat. So yes eventually he is going to want to cheat, so his other chose is to divorce

 

I've read what the OP has written and yes he has behaved in a manner that has been noted as cringe worthy.. but no one is perfect and the OP never said he was perfect either..

 

 

His defense mechanism are on high because he is being bashed for wanting sex.

 

There are other thread women have created that are similar..not in retro spec to sex..but needs that are not being meet and the atmosphere is so different. So call me thin skinned or sensitive.. I will call it as I see it.

 

Alot of people here always pull out the Divorce card like its easy.. until its staring them dead in the face. Divorce will not go well in his favor because he is a man and i know many men who will not divorce because they are a man. On top of that he has a business. Maybe for you Noirek divorce for you means nothing to lose.. but for the OP it can be crushing.

[Sweetfish]

She starts a fight with me tonight over a non-issue. I own my own business and it's a fitness gym. Anyways, I need to hire more staff. One of the girls I interviewed I really like. Some of the other instructors have some issues with her but they won't admit it's because she is very fit and very attractive.

 

The other instructors told my wife that they feel this girl has a crush on me so now my wife is pissed saying I can't hire her. I explained to my wife that if she actually came the day we interviewed her she would see this girl is great. I already told the girl I was going to hire her and now she expects me to tell her that I made a mistake.

 

At the end of the day I can't hire instructors that don't motivate other members.

 

is it because the other instructors are females?

 

My next question is are you going to use this as a ploy to motivate your instructors or wife?

[5x5]

Then divorce her

 

Alot of people here always pull out the Divorce card like its easy.. until its staring them dead in the face. Divorce will not go well in his favor because he is a man and i know many men who will not divorce because they are a man. On top of that he has a business. Maybe for you Noirek divorce for you means nothing to lose.. but for the OP it can be crushing.

 

I'm glad I got divorced when I did.

 

Since I don't frighten easily, I would have no problem getting divorced again if my marriage irreconcilably went tits up.

 

At the end of the day though if the OP doesn't like his marriage, he can do something about it or not.

 

If he chooses to do nothing of consequence, he will remain in a prison of his own making.

 

The reality is complaining about something to no end, seldom attracts much sympathy.

[BaileyB]

 

The reality is complaining about something to no end, seldom attracts much sympathy.

 

And this is becoming the truth of this discussion.

[What-2-Do]

Interesting

 

Yeah.. he is obsessing over sex.. because its been 2 years. Men and women are not the same in this department...but believe what you want.

 

This is about gender because one of his needs is sex. Testosterone which you lack is vital to a man. But apparently you can give advice to a man who's drives are unique to men as a women needs are unique to women. Testosterone is a factor in making men cheat. So yes eventually he is going to want to cheat, so his other chose is to divorce

 

I've read what the OP has written and yes he has behaved in a manner that has been noted as cringe worthy.. but no one is perfect and the OP never said he was perfect either..

 

 

His defense mechanism are on high because he is being bashed for wanting sex.

 

There are other thread women have created that are similar..not in retro spec to sex..but needs that are not being meet and the atmosphere is so different. So call me thin skinned or sensitive.. I will call it as I see it.

 

Alot of people here always pull out the Divorce card like its easy.. until its staring them dead in the face. Divorce will not go well in his favor because he is a man and i know many men who will not divorce because they are a man. On top of that he has a business. Maybe for you Noirek divorce for you means nothing to lose.. but for the OP it can be crushing.

 

This is so true. As a guy I need sex. As I said in previous statements if women were to take testosterone they wouldn't be able to function. There have been experiments with doing exactly that and the women couldn't handle it. I'm sorry but I am a guy, I workout all the time, I have a high sex drive, I own a fitness gym, I'm in great shape, I have women flirting with me, and I can't even have sex with my wife. Yes, it's driving me insane.

 

Sex isn't the only thing wrong with my relationship. My wife and I no longer communicate well at all. She will focus on a small detail that really is irrelevant in my business and make it a major detail. Example.... a member wants to cancel their membership. I say to just cancel it and move on and she will fight tooth and nail and stress me out about it to no extent. If the member just came to me and I cancelled it that would be the end of it. However, she will then fight with me saying I'm too easy and too nice. At the end of the day I don't want to piss off all my customers and have negative reviews all over the place. I feel I need to do what's right.

 

I also need to have a relationship with my wife. As I said before we haven't gone on a date in over 2 years now. I need to have adult time with my wife. I also need to do activities with my wife which we haven't done in forever. She gets mad because I go to the gym every day yet she expects me to skip the gym to stay home and watch her watch tv.

 

I'm not looking for sympathy here from a bunch of strangers. It's OK if sex and having a relationship isn't important to you but it is to me and I'm not ashamed of that.

[What-2-Do]

You guys talk about just divorcing her like I'm throwing away an old pair of underwear. Then, I say I'm going to divorce her and everyone on here jumps down my throat. It's a difficult decision to make and I don't gain much of anything in the process. I lose my house, half my savings, all my furniture, a stable home for my son, half my business, a ton of money for the divorce, and my wife.

 

I would much rather fix the problems in my marriage but i don't think they can be fixed. I've been planning on just moving out and moving on. It's hard and I don't want to make a rash decision that I will always regret.

 

It's funny because I read so many other posts on here with cheating spouses and you are more accepting of them and their HORRIBLE actions yet all I'm looking for is a normal relationship with my wife. A relationship that we had for 13 years and one that has changed over the past 2. We always had sex 3 times per week, went on dates, and did things together.

[elaine567]

I also need to do activities with my wife which we haven't done in forever. She gets mad because I go to the gym every day yet she expects me to skip the gym to stay home and watch her watch tv.

 

You are not spending your leisure time why your wife but then expect her to just put out for you.

It doesn't work like that, women need connection with men, and if that means spending time watching TV with her then so be it.

By going to the gym 7 days a week, you are introducing distance and distance is pretty much a passion killer as far as most women are concerned.

She is letting you know what is wrong, listen to her.

[What-2-Do]

Who knows, maybe she had an affair two years ago and that's the issue. I have no idea.

[What-2-Do]

You are not spending your leisure time why your wife but then expect her to just put out for you.

It doesn't work like that, women need connection with men, and if that means spending time watching TV with her then so be it.

By going to the gym 7 days a week, you are introducing distance and distance is pretty much a passion killer as far as most women are concerned.

She is letting you know what is wrong, listen to her.

 

I sit with her while she watches TV EVERY SINGLE DAY.... We watch she wants to watch as I hate TV. I go to the gym when she's at work during the week so that's not an issue. I go in the mornings on the weekends while she watches TV. She never wants to go anywhere and do the things I want to do. It has to be a 2 way street.

[BaileyB]

This is so true. As a guy I need sex. As I said in previous statements if women were to take testosterone they wouldn't be able to function. There have been experiments with doing exactly that and the women couldn't handle it. I'm sorry but I am a guy, I workout all the time, I have a high sex drive, I own a fitness gym, I'm in great shape, I have women flirting with me, and I can't even have sex with my wife. Yes, it's driving me insane.

 

Sex isn't the only thing wrong with my relationship. My wife and I no longer communicate well at all. She will focus on a small detail that really is irrelevant in my business and make it a major detail. Example.... a member wants to cancel their membership. I say to just cancel it and move on and she will fight tooth and nail and stress me out about it to no extent. If the member just came to me and I cancelled it that would be the end of it. However, she will then fight with me saying I'm too easy and too nice. At the end of the day I don't want to piss off all my customers and have negative reviews all over the place. I feel I need to do what's right.

 

I also need to have a relationship with my wife. As I said before we haven't gone on a date in over 2 years now. I need to have adult time with my wife. I also need to do activities with my wife which we haven't done in forever. She gets mad because I go to the gym every day yet she expects me to skip the gym to stay home and watch her watch tv.

 

I'm not looking for sympathy here from a bunch of strangers. It's OK if sex and having a relationship isn't important to you but it is to me and I'm not ashamed of that.

 

Obviously, sharing a loving personal and sexual relationship with your wife is important to a marriage. Without these things, it's not actually a marriage in any other way than on paper.

 

And obviously, the decision to divorce is a very significant, life changing decision.

 

If you have done the best that you can to make your marriage work, and the problem really is that your wife is not investing and the relationship is filled with conflict and lacks intimacy...

 

Then the question becomes, how long will you continue to stay in a relationship that is not meeting your needs? By your own admission, it has already been two years. She's given no indication that she intends to change. Divorce is hard, but so is staying in a relationship that doesn't meet your needs.

 

Complaining about the topics that are a source of conflict between you and your wife (ie. the people you hire at the gym, spending time at the gym vs watching tv with your wife), conjecture that she may have had an affair, getting frustrated with those who just don't understand - "sex may not be important to others but it is to you"... all just distractions. You can continue to focus on these things, or deal with the harsh reality that marriage seems to be ending and you need to do something about it...

Edited December 11, 2016 by BaileyB

[darkmoon]

do not ask directly for sex? my partner does, come on, we are talking about two people who know each other,

 

she could do something if not the full deed, plus the OP has been sweet to her, been indirect

 

she is lucky he has stayed lumbered for 2 years

Edited December 11, 2016 by darkmoon

[whichwayisup]

Who knows, maybe she had an affair two years ago and that's the issue. I have no idea.

 

Then ask her! You're just as much to blame for your communication issues as she is.

 

Have a real honest conversation about everything. Hey, why not write her a long heartfelt and letter and sit by her while she reads it. Tell her how you feel and why, list all the things that you are unhappy about, as well as giving her options for an open marriage to marriage counseling and fixing things or divorce.

 

How life is, is NOT working for either of you. She's depressed and has lyme disease. She feels safe where she is so she doesn't have to change or make any effort. You want change, yet it's hard to change things when one person can't be bothered to put in any effort.

[What-2-Do]

Then ask her! You're just as much to blame for your communication issues as she is.

 

Have a real honest conversation about everything. Hey, why not write her a long heartfelt and letter and sit by her while she reads it. Tell her how you feel and why, list all the things that you are unhappy about, as well as giving her options for an open marriage to marriage counseling and fixing things or divorce.

 

How life is, is NOT working for either of you. She's depressed and has lyme disease. She feels safe where she is so she doesn't have to change or make any effort. You want change, yet it's hard to change things when one person can't be bothered to put in any effort.

 

No matter how I bring anything up she gets super defensive and will make comments like "fine you win." I'm not looking to win or lose but I am looking to be able to communicate. If I explain that I want things to get better she starts a fight. No matter how I say anything she gets defensive about it.

 

To me it just sounds like she's resentful. She mentioned this morning about go ahead and sleep with the new girl. In return I just said I don't understand why you're saying that and the only one I want to sleep with is you but you won't let me. Her response "whatever"

 

To me it does sound like the end of the line. I've come to accept that. I won't do anything until after this month is over because I don't want to ruin Christmas for my son. I think however, come January 1st things either change or I'm done.

 

I do know this new girl does have a crush on me and I can see how that will cause conflict. It may also be the motivation my wife needs that she needs to work to keep me around.

 

She's been super cuddly lately and I've been rather cold. I just don't want to touch her at all if she's just going to turn me down. I got braces a few months back and she hasn't even kissed me since I've gotten them. They are clear so you can hardly even tell I have them but that's how long things have gone.

 

She won't go to counseling and tomorrow I will write this letter to her. At this point she either needs to change and try or we just need to move on. Everyone on here is right that it's not fair to either of us living like this.

[BaileyB]

If she won't communicate with you and won't go to counselling, then you need to gather the courage and do what you need to do and walk away. Or, you will saying the same thing next Christmas.

 

She is jerking you around if she won't talk with you and then wants to be cuddly.

 

And you are jerking her around if you hire a hot woman for the gym who has a crush on you - it's like throwing gasoline on an already smouldering fire...

 

Relationships shouldn't be this much work... The two of you are making each other absolutely miserable.

[elaine567]

I do know this new girl does have a crush on me and I can see how that will cause conflict. It may also be the motivation my wife needs that she needs to work to keep me around.

 

Oh dear.

As Bailey B says gasoline on a smoking fire...

As for the coldness when she wants to start connecting with you...

If you do not want a divorce then why are you making it inevitable?

[Sweetfish]

I do know this new girl does have a crush on me and I can see how that will cause conflict. It may also be the motivation my wife needs that she needs to work to keep me around.

 

She's been super cuddly lately and I've been rather cold. I just don't want to touch her at all if she's just going to turn me down. I got braces a few months back and she hasn't even kissed me since I've gotten them. They are clear so you can hardly even tell I have them but that's how long things have gone.

 

Your already open the door for cheating.. working out in the gym everyday and improving your self. While your wife gets bedsores watching TV. I advise you to keep your penis in your pants from the new hire... After January if you pull the trigger. Do not hook up with the new hire or any other employee.

 

Flaunting a girl in front of your wife is not the best approach. You cant stick a carrot in front of her and expect her to run.

 

The only other method you can try is silence... it is a female kryptonite.

 

Ever thought she is misbehaving because the attention its bringing her.. even though its negative. That she likes to see you react? Kids do this crap all the time to gain attention from there parents.

 

How about just not reacting at all? Go and plan stuff for your self.. like take trips. I think you might need overhauling and self reflection. What ever you do.. do not cheat.

[whichwayisup]

So let her get defensive! She has her way of reacting to stuff, but I truly believe that if you (with respectful words, show her your pain and do NOT make it just all about sex, but more about connections and intimacy! Don't use the word sex) write that letter, she will process it and open up when she's ready.

 

In that letter, let her know that IF she chooses you and to stay married, it will require BOTH of you to work together constantly to get the marriage back on track. Let her know that if she needs professional help (meds, counseling re: her depression) you will help her and support her. Maybe if she sees that it's not always about sex she will respond in a better way.