How to deal with Sexless Marriage? Wife is sick

[Noirek]

Did the lawyer mention waiting to see how she is in case you want to stay or so it wouldn't look like you are abandoning an ill (lyme) wife?

 

Even if she did start to change and work on herself you hiring forbidden fruit to tempt yourself with would not help the marriage one bit.

 

Have you handed her the papers yet?

[whichwayisup]

I still think you should try the family intervention and before you say it won't work or you just can't deal with her reaction, the WHOLE family and her closest friends can be there, even the kids if they're old enough to understand what is going on. If she sees how everybody is concerned and she how she really is loved by you all, it could help her into going to counseling and being on meds for depression. But, if you'd rather walk out the door without doing that, do it with NO regrets. You really do not know 100 percent if that option will fail..

[What-2-Do]

Did the lawyer mention waiting to see how she is in case you want to stay or so it wouldn't look like you are abandoning an ill (lyme) wife?

 

Even if she did start to change and work on herself you hiring forbidden fruit to tempt yourself with would not help the marriage one bit.

 

Have you handed her the papers yet?

 

She came to the gym tonight and she CLEARLY HATES my new hire. All she does is bitch about her on everything. She's VERY jealous of this girl and keeps commenting how she's always smiling at me and tilting her head and running her fingers thru her hair whenever I talk to her. then she says the girl gives her the hairy eyeball. Can't win with women.

 

There are guys that come in and flirt with my wife and she flirts back all the time. I could care less but I know she digs the attention.

 

I think the Lawyer was saying to wait to see if she comes off the meds because it will make the case easier and show that I stayed with her thru her struggle with Lyme Disease. He also said there is a TINY chance this could be her turning point and she will value the relationship but he said most likely won't happen or usually never does.

 

We get home tonight and she's done nothing but bitch and moan and complain about everything. Just makes this decision so much easier.

[BaileyB]

She wants to have her cake and eat it too...

 

I'm sorry, but your wife is really something else. She is either totally clueless about the state of your relationship or really entitled if she thinks that she can have any opinion/complain about another woman when she has been so cold, indifferent, and combative at home.

[What-2-Do]

She wants to have her cake and eat it too...

 

I'm sorry, but your wife is really something else. She is either totally clueless about the state of your relationship or really entitled if she thinks that she can have any opinion/complain about another woman when she has been so cold, indifferent, and combative at home.

 

I couldn't agree more. If she was actually a wife the other girl wouldn't even be a topic of discussion for more than 2 minutes. She knows how frustrated I am and sees this girl giving me attention and it makes my wife totally threatened. She talks about this girl 20 times per day every day. Pathetic

 

Then, after we got home and she stops bitching at me she starts sending me houses she likes. It's almost like a trap.

[BluesPower]

I was at my favorite bar the other day when my boys were playing.

 

Now for whatever reason, I had a lot of female attention that night. I was just sitting there. A lot of them had seen me play and they thought it was cool, for whatever reason, that my boys band was playing. Ok fine, I did not turn the attention down.

 

So of course my STBXW was there supporting the boys like she should. And she was so pissed off it was unbelievable. And mind you I am not working the room at all, I am just sitting at a table.

 

So later the next week, she tells me that I am disrespectful of her because I "Let those women hang all over me".

 

I looked at her and said, "Baby, you blew your chance with me and who I am with and what I do is just none of your business. If it bothers you, leave. I told you this is how it was going to be. So now that I have all these women competing for my attention I am supposed to tell them to go away because it bothers you? If it bothers you, leave..."

 

I mean she had her chance and I am moving on, and somehow she does not understand that?

 

It is the same deal with your wife, she will get jealous of the woman that will pay attention to you, like the new girl, but it is too late.

 

Have fun banging her BTW, and let your stbxw know how great it was.

 

I just do not understand women that refuse to appreciate their husbands until another woman pays attention to them.

[What-2-Do]

I was at my favorite bar the other day when my boys were playing.

 

Now for whatever reason, I had a lot of female attention that night. I was just sitting there. A lot of them had seen me play and they thought it was cool, for whatever reason, that my boys band was playing. Ok fine, I did not turn the attention down.

 

So of course my STBXW was there supporting the boys like she should. And she was so pissed off it was unbelievable. And mind you I am not working the room at all, I am just sitting at a table.

 

So later the next week, she tells me that I am disrespectful of her because I "Let those women hang all over me".

 

I looked at her and said, "Baby, you blew your chance with me and who I am with and what I do is just none of your business. If it bothers you, leave. I told you this is how it was going to be. So now that I have all these women competing for my attention I am supposed to tell them to go away because it bothers you? If it bothers you, leave..."

 

I mean she had her chance and I am moving on, and somehow she does not understand that?

 

It is the same deal with your wife, she will get jealous of the woman that will pay attention to you, like the new girl, but it is too late.

 

Have fun banging her BTW, and let your stbxw know how great it was.

 

I just do not understand women that refuse to appreciate their husbands until another woman pays attention to them.

 

 

Good for you that's fantastic. We def. need the ego boost after being shut down and turned down for so long.

 

funny how the women in our lives want nothing to do with us until they know other women would quickly take their place and then they get jealous and want us back. Can't have your cake and eat it too.

[What-2-Do]

We had her appointment and it went well. Her Dr. is very happy with her progress. He's going to keep her on the antibiotics for one more month and he added in a Herbal supplement. She will stop the antibiotics next month and then continue only on the herbal supplement for the next few months and she's done.

 

After the appointment she wanted to go furniture shopping.... What??? We just got back home and I'm getting ready for the gym and she said she's going to the mall.... WTF she hasn't left the house in months and now she wants to go out and do things????

[What-2-Do]

If she has the idea you may divorce her she may want to buy herself new furniture while you are obligated to pay for it.

 

Did you shop with her?

 

Anything bought while still together is half your obligation to pay.

 

Anything purchased after separating would normally be considered separate obligations to pay.

 

When I separated - I knew all credit cards were at a zero balance and printed out proof of it on that date.

 

Some time later my soon to be ex presented the attorney with debt of more than 10,000...I showed evidence that he was the only one charging debt and boldly stated I wasn't paying for his new furniture and vacations he had been taking with other women! His attorney asked to see the zero balance from when we separated - and it was deemed HIS debt only!

 

Cover yourself by checking on balances and what's being spent. I can't caution you enough that it will come into question if you decide to divorce.

 

How odd that she suddenly has energy and interest to shop.

 

She wanted us to buy a new mattress and couch. She then went shopping at the mall, picked up her prescriptions, did more shopping, and even taught a fitness class tonight.... WTF.... Then, of course she had a headache when we got home. She made an appointment for noon tomorrow to look at a new house. She's planning on having me stick around. I think she's feeling that if we make this major commitments then there is no way I can leave.

 

Thinking about the house issue and this could be the starting point to our problems. We owned a great home and when I started my business and lost my job we fell behind. We ended up going thru a bankruptcy 5 years ago. 2 years ago was the time when we could apply for a new home. However, because the mortgage company never foreclosed on our home for 2 more years we were not able to get a mortgage. This time last year we tried again under a special program but we were not eligible. Now, we both have 700 credit scores, make a great living and will have no issues buying a house.

 

I'm wondering if the uncertainty of not owning a house is what caused all these issues. Financially we are very stable and our income will just continue to grow. It's such a gamble and something I'm going to sit her down about tomorrow night and discuss.

[BettyDraper]

I'm not sure I understand...are you thinking that your wife became ill and stopped wanting to have sex just because you didn't have a house and you went through financial hardships?

 

I still had sex with my husband when he lost his job and we were living in a tiny apartment.

A woman who is committed to her marriage and loves her husband will still have sex with him during hard times.

[NuevoYorko]

I'm wondering if the uncertainty of not owning a house is what caused all these issues. Financially we are very stable and our income will just continue to grow. It's such a gamble and something I'm going to sit her down about tomorrow night and discuss.

 

I thought it was lyme's disease that caused the issues at the beginning?

 

Aren't you getting a divorce? I find it hard to keep track of where you're at. If you are, why sit her down to discuss anything besides how you're going to negotiate your belongings and time with kid?

[What-2-Do]

I thought it was lyme's disease that caused the issues at the beginning?

 

Aren't you getting a divorce? I find it hard to keep track of where you're at. If you are, why sit her down to discuss anything besides how you're going to negotiate your belongings and time with kid?

 

The issues in the marriage started 2 years ago. Then, last May she got the Lyme Disease. Things went rapidly downhill from then on. Prior to the Lyme Disease things were just slowly getting worse and when the Lyme came everything just stopped.

[What-2-Do]

I get the impression you haven't been completely up front with her about ending the marriage...

 

She knows I'm leaving and I told her I met with a lawyer and started the process. As for the house she needs to buy a house regardless. The house we are renting the owner is putting on the market in March so she either needs to buy this house or another with or without me.

[What-2-Do]

I'm not sure I understand...are you thinking that your wife became ill and stopped wanting to have sex just because you didn't have a house and you went through financial hardships?

 

I still had sex with my husband when he lost his job and we were living in a tiny apartment.

A woman who is committed to her marriage and loves her husband will still have sex with him during hard times.

 

I think a big part of it is that when we couldn't get the house 2 years ago she felt insecure about the future and that caused resentment. I've always been a good provider and I think when we lost everything it changed her view of me. Then, when things were going good again and we tried to get a house it was almost like a 2nd strike. Her parent went thru a bankruptcy and they never recovered from it.

 

We have and I make about $20K per month so financially we are fine. She makes really good money as well.

[BettyDraper]

I think a big part of it is that when we couldn't get the house 2 years ago she felt insecure about the future and that caused resentment. I've always been a good provider and I think when we lost everything it changed her view of me. Then, when things were going good again and we tried to get a house it was almost like a 2nd strike. Her parent went thru a bankruptcy and they never recovered from it.

 

We have and I make about $20K per month so financially we are fine. She makes really good money as well.

 

You're making excuses for your wife again.

I don't think you're truly ready for a divorce.

Like I said, financial difficulties shouldn't cause sex to be completely off the table unless a wife is only with her husband for money.

My husband and I lived in crappy apartments for FIVE years so that we could buy a house. We also struggled quite a bit during the recession and that never changed our sex life. I suppose this was because I actually LOVED my husband and understood our vows.

 

I wish you luck with your wife. I don't think home ownership will make a difference but you are clearly willing to cling to a dead marriage where your needs are not important.

[Noirek]

You're making excuses for your wife again.

I don't think you're truly ready for a divorce.

Like I said, financial difficulties shouldn't cause sex to be completely off the table unless a wife is only with her husband for money.

My husband and I lived in crappy apartments for FIVE years so that we could buy a house. We also struggled quite a bit during the recession and that never changed our sex life. I suppose this was because I actually LOVED my husband and understood our vows.

 

I wish you luck with your wife. I don't think home ownership will make a difference but you are clearly willing to cling to a dead marriage where your needs are not important.

Some studies show Money as the leading cause of divorce... others it is tied or a close second. Financial struggles but a stress on a marriage that sometimes one or both partners cannot endure. In most cases neither partner communicate well. So it is very plausible that their money issues started this downward spiral and it doesn't mean she only loved him for his money.

 

For one I have a feeling she isn't the crazy shrew painted here. Not if he has been with her so long and stayed and even now is super back and forth. Think about his miscommunications on a forum with us? Think about the fact he discounts any advice he doesn't like by saying "your a female you don't understand". He also sees a shrink for a reason. I would wager both sides of this couple have huge communication issues. That neither one of them want to fix on their end. Or maybe she really just doesn't get it because his actions and words don't line up?

 

I mean if I had a habit of picking my hands until they bleed I would hope my husband's only focus wouldn't be that it was a turn off but that he would actually be deeply concerned for my mental health. And I would hope my mother would lovingly approach me about it and use tact instead of shaming me which would only make the nervous habit worse.

 

I just think there are a lot of blanks in this story. And if neither partner is willing to take ownership and do something it will just keep on going for years and years. I do wonder how the child is coping in all this. Most of the times by the way the poster talks I forget there is one and think they are child free

[BettyDraper]

Some studies show Money as the leading cause of divorce... others it is tied or a close second. Financial struggles but a stress on a marriage that sometimes one or both partners cannot endure. In most cases neither partner communicate well. So it is very plausible that their money issues started this downward spiral and it doesn't mean she only loved him for his money.

 

For one I have a feeling she isn't the crazy shrew painted here. Not if he has been with her so long and stayed and even now is super back and forth. Think about his miscommunications on a forum with us? Think about the fact he discounts any advice he doesn't like by saying "your a female you don't understand". He also sees a shrink for a reason. I would wager both sides of this couple have huge communication issues. That neither one of them want to fix on their end. Or maybe she really just doesn't get it because his actions and words don't line up?

 

I mean if I had a habit of picking my hands until they bleed I would hope my husband's only focus wouldn't be that it was a turn off but that he would actually be deeply concerned for my mental health. And I would hope my mother would lovingly approach me about it and use tact instead of shaming me which would only make the nervous habit worse.

 

I just think there are a lot of blanks in this story. And if neither partner is willing to take ownership and do something it will just keep on going for years and years. I do wonder how the child is coping in all this. Most of the times by the way the poster talks I forget there is one and think they are child free

 

While I agree that financial problems often end marriages, I don't think that strong couples will stop having sex and eventually divorce for this reason. I suppose I believe in "for richer or poorer" just as long as my husband is making an effort to do as well as possible.

 

The OP's psychiatrist has agreed that ending the marriage is the best course of action at this point. If the OP's wife is not willing to make an effort to live the best life possible in spite of her illnesses, I don't see why he should stay and put up with her selfishness and selective fatigue. I'm willing to bet that if the OP stays and buys a home with his wife, she will find some other reason not to be sexual or take care of herself. That's the kind of person she is.

 

It sounds like the OP has tried to lovingly express concern about his wife's issues. Maybe her mother was so harsh because she sees that being polite and tactful has not been helpful. There are some people who need a kick in the pants to see that they are making poor choices. I'm all for being polite and caring but if that doesn't work then harshness is necessary.

[NuevoYorko]

You're making excuses for your wife again.

I don't think you're truly ready for a divorce.

OP it's annoying and really hard to support you. You paint your wife as a loser. First we think you're being unfair because she has been sick. Then you tell us more about how much of a loser she is. We get behind you. She's a big loser, for sure! Then you make an excuse for her. We get impatient with you. We thought for sure she was a huge loser! But maybe not so much after all? You are making a stab at rehabbing your marriage! Good for you, we're all behind you! But then ... she's a total loser again.

 

What's up?

[What-2-Do]

OP it's annoying and really hard to support you. You paint your wife as a loser. First we think you're being unfair because she has been sick. Then you tell us more about how much of a loser she is. We get behind you. She's a big loser, for sure! Then you make an excuse for her. We get impatient with you. We thought for sure she was a huge loser! But maybe not so much after all? You are making a stab at rehabbing your marriage! Good for you, we're all behind you! But then ... she's a total loser again.

 

What's up?

 

I never said she was a loser. No matter what happens with us I will never believe that she's a loser. I wouldn't have stayed with her for nearly 16 years if she was a loser. Like most relationships there are ups and downs. The downs started 2 years ago but things weren't sexless until she got sick. Prior to that we were still haven't sex regularly but it was just less than we were doing and she wasn't as open minded.

 

Things were slowly drifting away. We hadn't gone on a date in forever but we do have a seasonal campsite so from May to Oct. we are there every weekend. This is part of the dating issue. If we didn't have the camping we would have prob. separated years ago.

[NuevoYorko]

I never said she was a loser.

You haven't used the word "loser," but the picture you've painted is definitely that of a loser. Selfish, lazy, boring, glued the TV, sex withholding, marriage counseling refusing, child neglecting, poor self care ... the list goes on.

[Mz. Pixie]

The term loser may be a poor choice in words.

 

Your wife certainly doesn't respect you, doesn't consider your feelings and seems most definitely selfish and self serving.

 

She's well enough to work and do exercise classes but becomes sick if expected to do anything at home including going to family gatherings or taking your child to a social gathering...

 

Looks like she participates in plenty of areas of her life but not in her home life.

 

Bottom line is that she would be a better single person having limited visitation with her child.

 

Sorry to say but she's not participating as a loving wife...not at all.

 

If you've told her you plan to divorce I hope you've been blatantly honest by saying that it's due to her not participating as a loving wife and Mother.

 

She took vows she isn't fulfilling.

 

And-isn't she getting alternative treatment because insurance wouldn't pay? That seems to indicate to me she's a hypochondriac.

 

Some women are so dumb. Just have sex for Petes Sake. A happy husband is a big plus!

[What-2-Do]

She's feeling much better these past few weeks and has been in a much better mood. She's been wanting to do things again as a family and as a wife. I know she's doing it because she wants to not because of anything else. She knows I went to a lawyer and begged me to wait. I would LOVE to get my old wife back more than anything but I also don't want to be tricked into staying and things revert back to how they have been.

 

We had a long talk about the house situation and she said that was a huge part of things. She was so set on buying a house and we found one but we couldn't get it. This happened last year and the year prior. This year we can buy a house again but I'm obviously afraid to. She said that not having the security of a house that's ours has been a huge struggle for her. Her parent went thru a bankruptcy and never recovered from it. The house they lived in forever was purchased by a trust. When her father passed away the trust forced her mother out of the house.

 

This has made my wife feel that this could happen to her or us and has caused her a ton of anxiety. I can totally understand that.

[beautifulinside2]

These sound like rich people problems that I could never understand. What part of for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, are you two missing here? One of the posters hit the nail on the head that a house is just walls and space, the marriage is what you two have together no matter what the circumstances may be. I mean I don't want a husband who says I will love you as long as we own a house, or I will love you as long as you never get sick. Geez

[Mz. Pixie]

She's feeling much better these past few weeks and has been in a much better mood. She's been wanting to do things again as a family and as a wife. I know she's doing it because she wants to not because of anything else. She knows I went to a lawyer and begged me to wait. I would LOVE to get my old wife back more than anything but I also don't want to be tricked into staying and things revert back to how they have been.

 

We had a long talk about the house situation and she said that was a huge part of things. She was so set on buying a house and we found one but we couldn't get it. This happened last year and the year prior. This year we can buy a house again but I'm obviously afraid to. She said that not having the security of a house that's ours has been a huge struggle for her. Her parent went thru a bankruptcy and never recovered from it. The house they lived in forever was purchased by a trust. When her father passed away the trust forced her mother out of the house.

 

This has made my wife feel that this could happen to her or us and has caused her a ton of anxiety. I can totally understand that.

 

Sorry. She's manipulating you again. Big time.

 

If she wanted her marriage instead of what you can do for her she would agree to make changes. Including asking what she can do to fix it. Not complain about a house and blame her lack of interest in sex with you on a house!!!!

 

Instead she knows you can afford it. So she's doing what she's always done. Getting what she wants. Or rather what she's done lately.

 

Literally this is so blatant to me. And probably to everyone else. If there was a big walk here I would bang my head against it for just how transparent this is.

 

If she loves you it doesn't matter if you're in a one bedroom apartment. If she desires you it will not matter where you live. My partner and I both have had financial struggles in the past. We rent. It doesn't keep me from desiring him.

 

She must have been spoiled as a kid. And it has perpetuated.

 

It's kinda comical. I know it's not to you.

 

Can't have sex because I'm insecure over a house. Please.

[Mz. Pixie]

If she had anxiety about a house it was her job to mention it.

 

And to help do something about that rather than waiting on you to fix it.

 

That anxiety didn't keep her from being cold to her husband, focusing on herself completely for ever how long this has gone on. And going to work. It only affected the bedroom?

 

??????