How to deal with Sexless Marriage? Wife is sick

[BaileyB]

It's pretty clear that she is manipulating you.

 

Don't do anything to tie you to her even more than you already are financially... Don't buy a house together and don't put yourself in a position for an unwanted pregnancy.

 

People do crazy things when they feel threatened. She is not to be trusted.

[BettyDraper]

Based on the constant back and forth I've seen in this thread, I'm guessing that you're going to fall for your wife's act and buy a house with her. After she stops having sex again (She will do this. Mark my words.) you're going to be right back where you started.

 

Your wife sees you as a wallet and nothing more. Have you considered what could happen if the house you can afford is not large or grand enough? She'll just use that as an excuse to be an awful wife and mother again.

 

Those who know better will do better. Stop allowing your wife to pull the wool over your eyes. You are smarter than this. It shouldn't take a divorce filing and a house to make your wife want to work on the marriage.

[BettyDraper]

Sorry. She's manipulating you again. Big time.

 

If she wanted her marriage instead of what you can do for her she would agree to make changes. Including asking what she can do to fix it. Not complain about a house and blame her lack of interest in sex with you on a house!!!!

 

Instead she knows you can afford it. So she's doing what she's always done. Getting what she wants. Or rather what she's done lately.

 

Literally this is so blatant to me. And probably to everyone else. If there was a big walk here I would bang my head against it for just how transparent this is.

 

If she loves you it doesn't matter if you're in a one bedroom apartment. If she desires you it will not matter where you live. My partner and I both have had financial struggles in the past. We rent. It doesn't keep me from desiring him.

 

She must have been spoiled as a kid. And it has perpetuated.

 

It's kinda comical. I know it's not to you.

 

Can't have sex because I'm insecure over a house. Please.

 

This. My husband and I had a passionate sex life even when we were living in a tiny one bedroom walk up and we couldn't afford to go out on dates.

[sandylee1]

 

I just do not understand women that refuse to appreciate their husbands until another woman pays attention to them.

 

This works both ways. Men who don't appreciate or pay their wives any attention. Then when she's had enough and files for divorce (as you know women file more) the husband can't believe it and wants a second chance.

 

People don't realise what they have till it's gone.

[Mz. Pixie]

This works both ways. Men who don't appreciate or pay their wives any attention. Then when she's had enough and files for divorce (as you know women file more) the husband can't believe it and wants a second chance.

 

People don't realise what they have till it's gone.

 

So true but to me why would you go back to your job after you had to threaten to quit to get the raise you deserve?

 

Fire her!

[What-2-Do]

Tonight I was hanging out with 3 of our mutual friends. (they are all women)

 

-Don't get the wrong idea..... Nothing like that.

 

One of our friends also is recovering from Lyme Disease. She's the same age as my wife and has the same co-infections and she's been thru this before. She's had Lyme several times in her life. She mentioned that she's tried to get my wife to come back to working out and how my wife just makes excuse after excuse. She is dealing with the exact same illness and she said her husband and her have had a normal sex life and they've gone out on dates and they still do things.

 

Everyone agrees that my wife has just given up on everything and is seriously depressed. I told them I started the divorce process and they said they don't blame me. They all agreed that she's unwilling to put the effort in and it can't be a one sided relationship.

 

I've truly tried everything within my ability to make this marriage work and it's honestly never going to get better. A house won't fix our problems and she's going to milk this illness as long as she can.

 

When I get home at 9pm she's already in bed. I ask her what's going on and of course she has a massive headache. UGH

[Mz. Pixie]

She's not too sick to go to work, to go to the mall, to teach an exercise class and to shop for a new house.

 

She's only too sick when she is expected to participate as a wife and mother.

 

 

For some reason she isn't really married to you anymore - she's checked out and has no intention of making effort.

 

Get busy living! Do it on your own. File the papers and make sure you don't let her falsely act like the marriage is gonna work.

 

Just tell her all her decisions are solely on her moving forward.

 

Stand firm and look out for your best interest/future.

 

Figure out where YOU are moving next - make that important decision so she understands you're not waiting around any longer.

 

Exactly. Please have papers drawn up and signed. Include as of this date in not responsible for any of the debt you incur.

 

In some states with real estate this can get tricky. I've worked in it 25 years.

[What-2-Do]

This morning I tell her that I was talking with Cara last night (she's the one recovering from Lyme) and that she's been trying to get my wife back to working out to get her out of her funk. She's sees what's going on with my wife and how she's pretty much given up and making excuses for everything.

 

I told her that Cara wanted her to come back to training but said that my wife was making all kinds of excuses not to. My wife said that she was glad we were talking about her behind her back. I explained that we're all trying to help but she won't let us help. She got very defensive and said she'll start working out when she's ready. I told her how Cara said it's been the best thing she's done for herself and she feels so much better both physically and mentally. Again, my wife has no reaction to that.

 

It is def. clear that she isn't going to change no matter what she says. Last night we talked about her depression and everyone sees it besides my wife. We talked about how we could convince her to get help and everyone agrees that she's just too close minded to do anything about it. They were blown away that I went to marriage counseling without her as I never told anyone else I was going. They were blown away when I said that when I would try one of the suggestions she would respond: "did you get that idea from your crazy doctor?"

 

Clearly, nothing is going to change.

[BaileyB]

To be fair, I don't think that any woman would appreciate their husband talking to their friends about their problems.

 

But yes, they have validated your concerns and your wife is not going to change. File for divorce.

[lucy_in_disguise]

I would be pissed at both my husband and friends if they got together to talk about my problems behind my back.

 

Also, you already know she is depressed. Should she be doing more to help herself get better mentally? Absolutely. But that's the catch-22 with depression. The more depressed you are, the less you are able to see the point or have hope that your perspective could change. Depression is really hard to climb out of.

 

It's a tough situation though if you believe in the "for better or worse" aspect of vows. This is clearly the "worse" part and comparing her illness to other people is not really fair.

 

Personally I think she needs intensive treatment for the depression before you can address the marital problems. But I don't know how else you can encourage her to do this if she's not willing.

 

I would give it a few months since she just got the Lyme disease meds and see if things improve. Don't do the up and down thing in the meantime though, or analyze too hard where it is going. If things are the same after that time, just file.

 

I don't think you are doing anyone any favors flipping back and forth on this based on every small change in behaivior. Just decide what your boundaries are, possibly give her time to get off the meds that may be causing the depression, and if things haven't changed, file.

[Mz. Pixie]

I would be pissed at both my husband and friends if they got together to talk about my problems behind my back.

 

Also, you already know she is depressed. Should she be doing more to help herself get better mentally? Absolutely. But that's the catch-22 with depression. The more depressed you are, the less you are able to see the point or have hope that your perspective could change. Depression is really hard to climb out of.

 

It's a tough situation though if you believe in the "for better or worse" aspect of vows. This is clearly the "worse" part and comparing her illness to other people is not really fair.

 

Personally I think she needs intensive treatment for the depression before you can address the marital problems. But I don't know how else you can encourage her to do this if she's not willing.

 

I would give it a few months since she just got the Lyme disease meds and see if things improve. Don't do the up and down thing in the meantime though, or analyze too hard where it is going. If things are the same after that time, just file.

 

I don't think you are doing anyone any favors flipping back and forth on this based on every small change in behaivior. Just decide what your boundaries are, possibly give her time to get off the meds that may be causing the depression, and if things haven't changed, file.

 

She has no incentive to change. You are ok financially. She can shop and enjoy herself. You take care of everything else.

 

I hate to see you divorce because I believe you love her. You're just resentful and have absolutely every reason to feel that way?

 

Was she spoiled as a child or did you spoil her before kids came along?

[What-2-Do]

She has no incentive to change. You are ok financially. She can shop and enjoy herself. You take care of everything else.

 

I hate to see you divorce because I believe you love her. You're just resentful and have absolutely every reason to feel that way?

 

Was she spoiled as a child or did you spoil her before kids came along?

 

No, she wasn't spoiled as a child at all nor did she ever spoil herself. I do love her but can't continue living this way. I wish I could fix things but I can't if she's not willing.

[Popsicle]

Is this a dairy?

[BettyDraper]

No, she wasn't spoiled as a child at all nor did she ever spoil herself. I do love her but can't continue living this way. I wish I could fix things but I can't if she's not willing.

 

You cannot mend a broken marriage on your own.

 

See how your wife mysteriously became ill again once she knew you were buying a house and trying to work things out?

There's yet another example that shows her manipulation.

 

Please go through with the divorce and DO NOT buy a house with this woman.

Edited January 22, 2017 by BettyDraper

[Mz. Pixie]

You just keep repeating yourself then YOU do NOTHING to change this FOR YOURSELF!

 

Get this: your wife is NOT changing! Whatever change you are searching for is ONLY up to YOU to change!

 

Nothing changes when nothing changes!

 

All of YOUR totally EMPTY threats with no action have not motivated your selfish wife to consider you, the marriage or the family unit!

 

Honestly, she acts like a wife who doesn't give a rip about you due to cheating! You don't think she is but she sure ACTS AS IF she is cheating!

 

Since she doesn't care one rip about you but certainly is willing to USE YOU to buy a nicer house - you either sign up for it KNOWING you're allowing yourself to be used - or you flat out get the balls and file those divorce papers now.

 

You want your own self respect and integrity moving forward? Divorce that selfish female.

 

Yes. We all agree he needs to divorce. But it's also a big step.

[What-2-Do]

You just keep repeating yourself then YOU do NOTHING to change this FOR YOURSELF!

 

Get this: your wife is NOT changing! Whatever change you are searching for is ONLY up to YOU to change!

 

Nothing changes when nothing changes!

 

All of YOUR totally EMPTY threats with no action have not motivated your selfish wife to consider you, the marriage or the family unit!

 

Honestly, she acts like a wife who doesn't give a rip about you due to cheating! You don't think she is but she sure ACTS AS IF she is cheating!

 

Since she doesn't care one rip about you but certainly is willing to USE YOU to buy a nicer house - you either sign up for it KNOWING you're allowing yourself to be used - or you flat out get the balls and file those divorce papers now.

 

You want your own self respect and integrity moving forward? Divorce that selfish female.

 

You say I've done nothing but I've already met with a lawyer and already did all the paperwork. The lawyer wanted me to give it another month to see if things change when she's off the antibiotics. I'm taking my lawyers advice. What I'm posting is that nothing is changing so the divorce looks like the only option.

[BettyDraper]

I think some members saw your threats as empty because you were talking about buying a house with your wife after you started the paperwork for the divorce. You were also using the fact that you didn't have a house as an excuse for your wife's behavior.

[BluesPower]

WTD I was going to try and stay away from your thread, but I just cannot.

 

Let me explain some things that you all ready know, but still have a hard time with.

 

I have been with a woman that I loved, like you love your wife, who did not love me. I have lived it.

 

When I say what when I decided to divorce and move on it literally felt like a million pounds was lifted off of my shoulders. Think about that for a second.

 

I have been carrying a million pound on my shoulders for 26 years, who knew. I did not realize it until I finally realized that she never really loved me. Frankly I was just her breeding bull and that is it. While it is ok for women to use you for sex, I guess, it is not ok for a wife.

 

You want to be with a woman that actually loves you and wants to make you happy. They are just waiting for you to wake up and go find them.

 

I may be to damaged by my wife to ever really truly love another woman again, I am not so stupid that I will not let them love me.

 

But you are not that far gone. You still have a chance to find love and live a happy life. You will not believe how good you will feel to be in the arms of a woman that truly loves you. It is the best feeling in the world.

 

You will feel a million pounds lift magically off you shoulders when you finally let go of your wife and move on to a loving woman.

 

Frankly you will wonder like I did, "Why in the name of everything holy did I wait so long". I promise you that you will love your new life...

[What-2-Do]

You are allowing too many other people/factors to determine your future and happiness.

 

Do what makes YOU happy.

 

IF you must stay for a certain amount of more time then just begin living "as if" your wife isn't a part of your life.

 

That's what she seems to want anyway.

 

This IS how I've been living. I go to the gym every day no matter what. I do the things I want to do without issue. I've been going out more and doing more alone and with friends. I bought another car because I wanted to. She told me I couldn't buy it but not her decision to make.

 

As for her buying a house, I have nothing to do with that. She went and looked at a few and that's on her. I won't be part of it. If she wants to buy a house she's doing it on her own.

 

At this point in time, I feel I have no other options than to leave. Things are never going to improve no matter how much I want them to. As I've said many times over I would love to get my old wife back but it's obvious that's not going to happen. I have options and I know I'm marketable to woman because they flirt with me all the time. I have a very successful business, am in great shape, have a great sense of humor, and have a lot to offer.

 

I can image being with someone that loves me back. It will be great to feel that again.

[sandylee1]

To be fair, I don't think that any woman would appreciate their husband talking to their friends about their problems.

 

But yes, they have validated your concerns and your wife is not going to change. File for divorce.

 

I agree, because I would be equally be annoyed if my husband was talking about my illness with mutual friends.

 

You also need to bear in mind, that illnesses affect people differently, just like pregnancies/menopause. ... it's different for individuals.

 

Any two people will not necessarily suffer from the exact same side effects and one person may experience more symptoms than the other.

 

Just because Cara's sex life is as normal and she can work out as normal, doesn't mean your wife will .... she isn't Cara.

 

Also remember that your marriage had issues before the illness, maybe Cara's marriage was in a good place, so it's been easier for her.

 

That said .... things aren't improving and you have a right to be happy. Being around her negativity will bring you down.

 

You only get one life, so make the best of it.

[What-2-Do]

I agree, because I would be equally be annoyed if my husband was talking about my illness with mutual friends.

 

You also need to bear in mind, that illnesses affect people differently, just like pregnancies/menopause. ... it's different for individuals.

 

Any two people will not necessarily suffer from the exact same side effects and one person may experience more symptoms than the other.

 

Just because Cara's sex life is as normal and she can work out as normal, doesn't mean your wife will .... she isn't Cara.

 

Also remember that your marriage had issues before the illness, maybe Cara's marriage was in a good place, so it's been easier for her.

 

That said .... things aren't improving and you have a right to be happy. Being around her negativity will bring you down.

 

You only get one life, so make the best of it.

 

I agree with this. Keep in mind though that I do need to talk to people about this. It wasn't something that I sought out it just happened. Someone else brought it up. I told my wife we were talking about her and although she wasn't happy I just told her it is because we care and we want her to be happy again.

 

Like I said recently, I don't see things ever changing. I made a comment to her today and her response was "baby steps." F-That. Things haven't even been at a crawl for several years. I'm not going to wait around to be unhappy for the rest of my life.

[What-2-Do]

UPDATE: I haven't posted here in a long time. A ton has changed. Things started getting better and she was feeling much much better. She came off her meds and was feeling great but then relapsed. As I said before that she wanted to buy a house so we did. It's 100% in HER name only for obvious reasons. Anyways, tons of stress with the entire process and moving in etc.

 

As many here said, that things would be good when she wants something but she will just go back to her ways. Well, you were all right. Now that we're moved in we are back to no relationship. I still have the other house we were renting so I'm going to move back there.

 

I also figured out why the change in her sex drive happened. As I said before we had an INSANE sex life. We did EVERYTHING and it was AWESOME. After she had our son she went on the Mirena implant for birth control. It was good for 5 years and once she had it replaced that's when everything went south. I've tried telling her this and to at least have it removed and see what happens in the following months but she refuses to.

 

I wish things were better as they seemed they were getting better but clearly nothing is going to change.

[road]

UPDATE: I haven't posted here in a long time. A ton has changed. Things started getting better and she was feeling much much better. She came off her meds and was feeling great but then relapsed. As I said before that she wanted to buy a house so we did. It's 100% in HER name only for obvious reasons. Anyways, tons of stress with the entire process and moving in etc.

 

As many here said, that things would be good when she wants something but she will just go back to her ways. Well, you were all right. Now that we're moved in we are back to no relationship. I still have the other house we were renting so I'm going to move back there.

 

I also figured out why the change in her sex drive happened. As I said before we had an INSANE sex life. We did EVERYTHING and it was AWESOME. After she had our son she went on the Mirena implant for birth control. It was good for 5 years and once she had it replaced that's when everything went south. I've tried telling her this and to at least have it removed and see what happens in the following months but she refuses to.

 

I wish things were better as they seemed they were getting better but clearly nothing is going to change.

 

If she is not having sex with you then why does she insist on

having the implant?

 

 

She is having sex with someone else.

[BettyDraper]

UPDATE: I haven't posted here in a long time. A ton has changed. Things started getting better and she was feeling much much better. She came off her meds and was feeling great but then relapsed. As I said before that she wanted to buy a house so we did. It's 100% in HER name only for obvious reasons. Anyways, tons of stress with the entire process and moving in etc.

 

As many here said, that things would be good when she wants something but she will just go back to her ways. Well, you were all right. Now that we're moved in we are back to no relationship. I still have the other house we were renting so I'm going to move back there.

 

I also figured out why the change in her sex drive happened. As I said before we had an INSANE sex life. We did EVERYTHING and it was AWESOME. After she had our son she went on the Mirena implant for birth control. It was good for 5 years and once she had it replaced that's when everything went south. I've tried telling her this and to at least have it removed and see what happens in the following months but she refuses to.

 

I wish things were better as they seemed they were getting better but clearly nothing is going to change.

 

Oh dear....I wish you hadn't bought the house.

 

I thought you knew not to allow yourself to be sucked in by short lived changes which were never going to stick.

 

Now the trick is to go through with the divorce and refrain from going back to your wife. I wish you the best.

[What-2-Do]

If she is not having sex with you then why does she insist on

having the implant?

 

 

She is having sex with someone else.

 

She's not sleeping with anyone else. That's the one thing I'm certain of. She likes the Mirena because she no longer gets her period so it's very convenient in that regard.