How to deal with Sexless Marriage? Wife is sick

[BoaConstrictor]

It's so true. Because our needs are DIFFERENT our needs make us look like jerks. I've been an AMAZING DAD. I guarantee I do more than any husband that these women on here have. I get my son up every morning, fed, ready to school, on the bus. I pick him up from school, take him with me and usually put him to bed. This is 4 out of 5 days during the week. Our son is awesome and I love being with him.

 

I do a ton for my wife. I give her attention, affection, financial freedom, support, etc. I'm sorry if I want to go on a date with my wife more than every 2 years and to have sex with her more than twice in 8 months.

 

I'm trying to enter the head space in which I would declare myself an AMAZING MOM in all caps like that. I can't.

 

I have a feeling this is part of why you are not getting the sympathy you think you deserve on this thread. People sense an arrogance that is unappealing, especially to women. Or perhaps I shouldn't speak for all women. I personally find it unappealing when people declare themselves amazing like that.

[Sweetfish]

It's so true. Because our needs are DIFFERENT our needs make us look like jerks. I've been an AMAZING DAD. I guarantee I do more than any husband that these women on here have. I get my son up every morning, fed, ready to school, on the bus. I pick him up from school, take him with me and usually put him to bed. This is 4 out of 5 days during the week. Our son is awesome and I love being with him.

 

I do a ton for my wife. I give her attention, affection, financial freedom, support, etc. I'm sorry if I want to go on a date with my wife more than every 2 years and to have sex with her more than twice in 8 months.

 

LIke i said.. the double standards is strong here. Your best bet is just be a great a father and figure out your self what are your best options. It's probably hard to convey your point here. No one is perfect.. I doubt you are. Taking your son to school and grinding away at work to support 3 ppl while she lays depress around the house.. yeah in 2 years a man is going to Crack.

 

You cant say your amazing... but if you said your a dead beat the cheerleaders would support that and rail you down as worse father of the year.

Edited December 7, 2016 by Sweetfish

[camillalev]

See here's the problem....

You said somewhere earlier in this thread she told you that you didn't accept her as she is. She has even told you that all she wants is to do is focus on her health. Have you asked what she would like to focus on if and when she regains her health? Are you really hearing what she is saying to you?

 

Jeez I missed this. Why would anyone, especially a woman, want to have sex with someone that they think doesnt accept them for who they are. This is all kinds of broken and that fact that you are doggedly focused on just the sex(or rather using her body so you can cum) is a bit disturbing.

[What-2-Do]

Jeez I missed this. Why would anyone, especially a woman, want to have sex with someone that they think doesnt accept them for who they are. This is all kinds of broken and that fact that you are doggedly focused on just the sex(or rather using her body so you can cum) is a bit disturbing.

 

You guys are totally missing the point and taking everything out of context. If sex was all that I cared about i would be having sex with someone else. I guess you guys just skip over the fact that I've said dozens of times that I do love my wife. I want her to go back to being a wife. God-forbid.

 

You all attack me on here trying to make me out to be a terrible person. You say I'm arrogant but if you look at all the arrogant comments that you've all said to and about me I've been more than patient. When you attack someone they are going to attack back.

 

You all are like the pot calling the kettle black. Funny that you can't see that but only your side.

[camillalev]

That said, there is nothing necessarily wrong with being frustrated by the lack of sex. Two years is a long time, I would be horny as hell. Especially if i were married and my one and only partner was not being intimate with me.

 

But I mean, where to even start with all the other issues you have going on. Not just her physical and mental/emotional illness(all types of illnesses you can have), but your attitude towards her. It's really no surprise she doesnt want to have sex with you. Having sex wouldnt change or help those other issues either. She is obviously resentful of you, which is deadly to any relations

[Sweetfish]

You guys are totally missing the point and taking everything out of context. If sex was all that I cared about i would be having sex with someone else. I guess you guys just skip over the fact that I've said dozens of times that I do love my wife. I want her to go back to being a wife. God-forbid.

 

You all attack me on here trying to make me out to be a terrible person. You say I'm arrogant but if you look at all the arrogant comments that you've all said to and about me I've been more than patient. When you attack someone they are going to attack back.

 

You all are like the pot calling the kettle black. Funny that you can't see that but only your side.

 

I think the OP is trying to state that he wants the relationship to work and wants this relationship with his wife. I can almost believe he is ok with supporting the son, dealing with the wife nagging (which most men think is the norm,) and supportive of his wife disease. I think he has put up with a lot and maybe if he didn't have a son he'd probably would have left. I think the lack of sex is just the last straw for him. I think he is questioning him self if the disease is really an excuse for the lack of sex and that's what made him ask the unconventional and cringe worthy question at the doctors office.

 

So funny.. I don't think the OP has yet stated anywhere in this thread that cheating or finding sex else where was an option. I bet its crossed his mind. Eventually, it will happen. If it hasn't happen.

 

Divorce... 10% visiting rights to your son, half of your retirement savings, half of your hard earn moneys, alimony, a broken family, maybe get kicked out of your house or stay in a sexless marriage and you your self go into depression.

 

Great options!

[LexiCat29]

There's absolutely nothing wrong with wanting sex.

 

But what are you doing about the terrible state of the rest of your marriage? You don't seem to have any positive feelings whatsoever about your wife, nor she about you.

 

So why on earth are you still together?

[Sweetfish]

There's absolutely nothing wrong with wanting sex.

 

But what are you doing about the terrible state of the rest of your marriage? You don't seem to have any positive feelings whatsoever about your wife, nor she about you.

 

So why on earth are you still together?

 

Have you been reading what the OP has been posting?

 

I'm even more frustrated this morning. So, last night our son started crying at 2am. I didn't hear him but she did. She woke up and instead of just going in and seeing what was wrong she woke me up and made me do it. Fine, whatever. I calm him down and come back to bed and she says "you know it's raining out?"

I reply "OK." She then says there is a package on the back porch that you never brought in. I reply OK. She then continues to respond "it will just get ruined then and a total waste of $350." I said if it's so important to you then why don't you go bring it in. Her response is I'm not getting up.

 

Needless to say I had to get up and bring it in. She does ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to ever help but does so much to instigate issues.

 

Now, this morning I have to go to work. Yesterday she did ABSOLUTELY NOTHING but lay either in bed or on the couch. I worked, went to the gym, and worked around the house. This morning she's still in bed so I had to get everything ready and get my son up and fed and rushing around to get to work while she's still in bed doing nothing. She now wants me to bring her clothes up from the basement.

 

Just saying things are not looking good at the moment.

[elaine567]

She sounds totally depressed. He needs her to go get some help, depressed people rarely want sex.

Lyme disease is associated with a lot of psychiatric problems

[What-2-Do]

I think the OP is trying to state that he wants the relationship to work and wants this relationship with his wife. I can almost believe he is ok with supporting the son, dealing with the wife nagging (which most men think is the norm,) and supportive of his wife disease. I think he has put up with a lot and maybe if he didn't have a son he'd probably would have left. I think the lack of sex is just the last straw for him. I think he is questioning him self if the disease is really an excuse for the lack of sex and that's what made him ask the unconventional and cringe worthy question at the doctors office.

 

So funny.. I don't think the OP has yet stated anywhere in this thread that cheating or finding sex else where was an option. I bet its crossed his mind. Eventually, it will happen. If it hasn't happen.

 

Divorce... 10% visiting rights to your son, half of your retirement savings, half of your hard earn moneys, alimony, a broken family, maybe get kicked out of your house or stay in a sexless marriage and you your self go into depression.

 

Great options!

 

I completely agree. If I could have my way and have anything I want I would want to have my relationship back with my wife. This is my number 1 goal. However, if she is using her illness to not have sex then it's a deal breaker. She assures that is not the case at all. I honestly don't know 100% what to believe is the truth.

 

We had a great relationship for many years. We've been together for 15. 13 of them were great. We had some ups and downs over the years but nothing major that would break up our family. Something changed with her over the past 2 years and I don't know what it is. Obviously, the last 8 months have added a ton of stress to the relationship.

 

I have never cheated on her at any point in the relationship. Has it crossed my mind? Honestly, it has but I couldn't do that to her or myself. I have morals and if I want sex with someone else I will leave her first.

 

A big part of me wants to just throw in the towel because I feel trapped but when I think back about how great things were before I don't want to leave. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. Am I pissed off and frustrated beyond belief? Hell yeah I am.

 

I truly believe I have every right to be pissed off. If you don't go on dates or have any intimacy with your husband/wife then you're really no more than just roommates or co-parents.

[LexiCat29]

Have you been reading what the OP has been posting?

 

I have indeed. He's whining to a bunch of strangers online and taking no action whatsoever to fix anything.

 

His response when she says something he doesn't like is 'ok'..and then he gets up and does whatever task he's complaining about himself.

 

I mean..how passive can you get?

[What-2-Do]

I have indeed. He's whining to a bunch of strangers online and taking no action whatsoever to fix anything.

 

His response when she says something he doesn't like is 'ok'..and then he gets up and does whatever task he's complaining about himself.

 

I mean..how passive can you get?

 

Really??? You're wrong there. except for getting the stuff off the back porch. I've tried every approach.

 

Ignoring her- didn't change anything

 

Being mean to her- didn't change anything

 

Being super comforting- didn't change anything

 

Being super supporting- didn't change anything

 

Listening to her about everything- didn't change anything

 

Doing everything without her- didn't change anything

 

changing my schedule to be home with her more- didn't change anything

 

hardly ever being home and when home staying downstairs- didn't change anything

 

asking for sex- didn't change anything

 

not asking for sex- didn't change anything

 

asking to go on a date- didn't change anything

 

not asking to go on a date- didn't change anything

 

planning something to do together- didn't change anything

[Mumbles]

I have never cheated on her at any point in the relationship. Has it crossed my mind? Honestly, it has but I couldn't do that to her or myself. I have morals and if I want sex with someone else I will leave her first.

 

What I don't get, and its a general frustration not specifically aimed at the OP, is why the collective wisdom here seems to think that sex outside the marriage is so awful yet breaking a marriage is good ... whats with that? Seriously now?

 

As the years have passed and I've reflected more than once on the failure of my first marriage I've come to the firm conviction that if I'd wandered, for perhaps even a short time, I'd probably still be married to her and all the heartache and pain, both emotional and financial that comes with divorce would have been circumvented.

 

The thing is, once things go un-remedied for a certain amount of time you end up in an impasse. One partner going mental without physical relations and the other feeling like they are no more than a sex toy. You have sex once or twice but its under duress, not fun at all, no-one is satisfied and the impasse gets worse.

 

I was a starving man, I needed to get fed - nothing else filled my mind day in day out - it was too much. There was no space left to further work on our marriage and the only out I was willing to take at that point was divorce - and its a horrible solution if you otherwise love your wife and she you.

 

People say that wandering will hurt your partner ... !!! Seriously? Everyone is hurting already at this point - really hurting.

[5x5]

From all that I have read, it is pretty evident you don't like your wife. As a consequence it should be no surprise that your wife doesn't want to have sex with you.

[What-2-Do]

From all that I have read, it is pretty evident you don't like your wife. As a consequence it should be no surprise that your wife doesn't want to have sex with you.

 

This is simply not true. I do love my wife but I'm very resentful towards her right now and I can't help it.

[BettyDraper]

This is simply not true. I do love my wife but I'm very resentful towards her right now and I can't help it.

 

You love her but the resentment is making it hard to like her very much.

I completely understand why you would feel that way.

 

It's just hard to be sympathetic because you're determined to make it seem like your wife is causing all of the issues. Neither of you are blameless.

 

You can't control your wife. All you can control is your own behavior and how you respond to your wife's problems. If your wife was in love with you, she would be doing more as a wife and mom. She would also try to please you sexually in ways that do not aggravate her illness.

[LexiCat29]

Really??? You're wrong there. except for getting the stuff off the back porch. I've tried every approach.

 

Ignoring her- didn't change anything

 

Being mean to her- didn't change anything

 

Being super comforting- didn't change anything

 

Being super supporting- didn't change anything

 

Listening to her about everything- didn't change anything

 

Doing everything without her- didn't change anything

 

changing my schedule to be home with her more- didn't change anything

 

hardly ever being home and when home staying downstairs- didn't change anything

 

asking for sex- didn't change anything

 

not asking for sex- didn't change anything

 

asking to go on a date- didn't change anything

 

not asking to go on a date- didn't change anything

 

planning something to do together- didn't change anything

 

What I don't see on that list is:

 

Having an actual conversation with her about how I feel and figuring out why our relationship is so terrible

 

She's not a mind reader..you can't expect her to know what's wrong unless you tell her.

 

Your approaches are all passive aggressive and they haven't gotten anything done. So instead of talking about it here..why don't you TELL HER everything that you've told us?

[What-2-Do]

What I don't see on that list is:

 

Having an actual conversation with her about how I feel and figuring out why our relationship is so terrible

 

She's not a mind reader..you can't expect her to know what's wrong unless you tell her.

 

Your approaches are all passive aggressive and they haven't gotten anything done. So instead of talking about it here..why don't you TELL HER everything that you've told us?

 

Believe me I've tried dozens and dozens of times. I bought the book His Needs Her Needs and I told her the book was written about us. I started by telling her the things I was missing out of doing for her and that I needed to focus on these things because I didn't even realize I wasn't doing them.

 

I mentioned about how we've drifted apart and I suggested she read the book and we formulate a plan based on our individual needs. She refused to read it and said she didn't want to talk about it.

[What-2-Do]

You love her but the resentment is making it hard to like her very much.

I completely understand why you would feel that way.

 

It's just hard to be sympathetic because you're determined to make it seem like your wife is causing all of the issues. Neither of you are blameless.

 

You can't control your wife. All you can control is your own behavior and how you respond to your wife's problems. If your wife was in love with you, she would be doing more as a wife and mom. She would also try to please you sexually in ways that do not aggravate her illness.

 

This is exactly how I feel and why I think it really might be time to just move on. As much as I want to believe that she will change when she gets better I honestly feel that she won't. The more I think about it the more I feel this is the new norm.

[5x5]

This is simply not true. I do love my wife but I'm very resentful towards her right now and I can't help it.

 

Loving someone doesn't mean you like them.

 

If a number of random strangers on the internet can easily discern your dislike for her. You can rest assure that your wife notices it as well.

 

Believe me I've tried dozens and dozens of times. I bought the book His Needs Her Needs and I told her the book was written about us. I started by telling her the things I was missing out of doing for her and that I needed to focus on these things because I didn't even realize I wasn't doing them.

 

Doing the same thing over and over again, while expecting a different result is nothing but folly.

 

I mentioned about how we've drifted apart and I suggested she read the book and we formulate a plan based on our individual needs.

 

When are you going to appreciate the fact your wife isn't interested in conforming to your ideals, whenever she says you're "trying to change her and this is who she is"?

 

She refused to read it and said she didn't want to talk about it.

 

Your marital problems are far deeper than a lack of sex. When you ignore what she says "blah blah blah", of course she isn't going to keep wasting her breath on you.

 

This is exactly how I feel and why I think it really might be time to just move on.

 

How many times are you going to decide to move on and do absolutely nothing about it?

 

Why would your wife think you will do anything of consequence, when you twiddle your thumbs every time she calls your bluff?

[whichwayisup]

This is simply not true. I do love my wife but I'm very resentful towards her right now and I can't help it.

 

Then join a gym and get that bad and negative energy out there. Your wife is ILL and she can't help it. Accept that right now your sex life is on hold. And do counseling on your own so you can cope with it in a healthy way.

[What-2-Do]

Then join a gym and get that bad and negative energy out there. Your wife is ILL and she can't help it. Accept that right now your sex life is on hold. And do counseling on your own so you can cope with it in a healthy way.

 

I go to the gym 7 days a week.

[MJJean]

As the years have passed and I've reflected more than once on the failure of my first marriage I've come to the firm conviction that if I'd wandered, for perhaps even a short time, I'd probably still be married to her and all the heartache and pain, both emotional and financial that comes with divorce would have been circumvented.

 

Nice idea. Now let me explain to you how it ends up in reality.

 

A) The WS gets caught, the BS is devastated, and the emotional and financial pain of a divorce becomes amplified by the infidelity.

 

B) The WS develops feelings for a/the AP and the end result is still an expensive and painful divorce or a painful end to the affair when the AP decides to move on rather than be the side piece.

 

C) The WS never gets caught, never develops feelings, and the marriage is saved. Only it's not the same marriage that it was due to the covert infidelity creating distance and detachment below the surface.

 

A and B are MUCH more common outcomes than C.

[Mumbles]

Nice idea. Now let me explain to you how it ends up in reality.

 

A) The WS gets caught, the BS is devastated, and the emotional and financial pain of a divorce becomes amplified by the infidelity.

 

B) The WS develops feelings for a/the AP and the end result is still an expensive and painful divorce or a painful end to the affair when the AP decides to move on rather than be the side piece.

 

C) The WS never gets caught, never develops feelings, and the marriage is saved. Only it's not the same marriage that it was due to the covert infidelity creating distance and detachment below the surface.

 

A and B are MUCH more common outcomes than C.

 

Yes, yes, all true.

 

But ....

 

What are you trying to say between the lines here? That a divorce can (maybe -should-) be had and everyone walks away smiles and happy and able to save a friendship with the spouse afterwards because there was no infidelity? If not ... then what are we trying to save during and post divorce?

 

Divorce is an ugly horrible business. I've been there and mine was, in relative terms, amicable. But its still awful. Of course, one needs to do due diligence before moving ahead in -any- direction. Perhaps 'at fault' divorce exists in your state ... if so, caution.

 

A marriage that exists in the current situation, even if saved, will suffer c). To get to a point where divorce seems likely a lot of hurt and bad blood has already been suffered, things will never ever be the same as they were back in the honeymoon period - ever!

 

In many ways A) and B) reinforce my befuddlement, posted earlier, where it seems that some folks prefer going for the divorce over trying left of centre or out-of-the-box options for saving the marriage. People often say that you should try everything and anything to save your marriage, but its obvious to me that this statement is very qualified.

 

One way or another both partners here are going to emerge feeling differently about their marriage, if the marriage dissolves or is saved.

 

My comments of course reflect my own situation of several years ago. In mine my wife at the time actually suggested I go and see hookers. She was adamant that they be escorts, not 'friends' or friendly arrangements. The reason was to introduce money in lieu of feelings. I couldn't do that, and my ponderings here reflect the 'what if' feelings I sometimes still get around this.

 

Anyway, you've brought up some valid cautionary points, but no solutions. what have we got that we can move ahead with here? Assume that suck-it-up and no sex isn't a valid solution ... whats left to try? Straight for divorce? Can one actually look at ones self in the mirror afterwards and honestly say you tried -everything- to save the marriage?

[What-2-Do]

As much as I want to save this marriage I don't think it can be saved. I think it's beyond that point to be totally honest.