How to deal with Sexless Marriage? Wife is sick

[What-2-Do]

I'm taking the non-caring and cold approach right now. She wanted me to rub her back tonight and I flat out said NO. She was pissed about it but I said I just didn't feel up to it. The more rejection she receives hopefully the more she will realize how much it sucks.

 

Funny too, that she never feels good but she was able to teach a high intensity kickboxing class tonight.

[BaileyB]

I'm taking the non-caring and cold approach right now. She wanted me to rub her back tonight and I flat out said NO. She was pissed about it but I said I just didn't feel up to it. The more rejection she receives hopefully the more she will realize how much it sucks.

 

Funny too, that she never feels good but she was able to teach a high intensity kickboxing class tonight.

 

The passive aggressive approach to communication and relationships... Let us know how that goes for you.

[Mumbles]

I'm not one who's been bashing you in this thread but I have to say, the passive aggressive thing isn't going to work - I've been there.

 

You appear to be where I was about a year out from the end of my first marriage. I've posted here already in brief about my situation as it was, different reasons for getting there, but, at this point you're at pretty much the same place I was. Going mental through lack of physical intimacy.

 

The whole idea of, you do something nice and I'll do something nice, just doesn't work. My wife listed some things she 'needed' me to do, I just wanted one thing ... We tried it for a while but no-one is happy as both are doing their 'bit' under duress and its not enjoyable in any way or shape.

 

I even started going out on my own, largely just alone time to try and think my way through what was happening, but my wife was sure I was out getting mine and to be honest I didn't mind in the slightest that this is what she thought (I wasn't though). Its the long road to divorce this one - there isn't going to be another way out if you choose this path. You will both continue to abuse each other util someone calls it a day and then the papers will get filed.

 

I read through all of this long thread a common theme... you'd actually prefer to stay married if there was any hope for the future ... any hope at all.

 

I'd not normally say this, but, what about a trial separation? So many things wrong with this approach, particularly if you both ultimately would rather stay together, but, in the absence of any other suggestions that are realistic - what do you think? My wife and I had a long separation before divorce, but its wasn't a real one, we both continued to live under the same roof - which is -never- going to work.

 

I'd get legal advice first, because it might come to this anyway and you don't want to put yourself at a disadvantage if it does, but, if theres a way to implement a trial separation where one of you moves out for a time??? There is a child involved, so that will complicate things significantly, but I cant think of another way to really allow both parties to feel the pain of living alone and really starting to understand what that actually means. Once divorce is underway is pretty hard to march back from.

[Mumbles]

Oh, one other thing. Understand that now, at this point, you are both backed into a corner. Even if you were both to swallow a magic pill and cheerfully stay together you are imho very unlikely in the near term to have any mutually satisfying physical relations ... Some sort of circuit breaker needs to come into play and quite a bit of time ... 6 months would seem to be a minimum to me, quite probably longer.

 

Also understand that even if you find a good resolution and stay together, things will never ever be as they once were. You might well both be happy and satisfied together, but things will be different, from here onwards. You've both approached the brink of divorce ... this will remain a sore point in both your minds forever. You will both need care and attention in the future to hold your tongue should things start to ramp up to this point again.

[Mumbles]

[double post]

[BluesPower]

You know, if she is just too tired to have sex or go have dinner or cuddle, I could understand that.

 

But when she feels good enough to teach a kickboxing class, she ought to have enough left over to interact with her husband in some way.

 

It just really seems like she just does not want to.

[What-2-Do]

You know, if she is just too tired to have sex or go have dinner or cuddle, I could understand that.

 

But when she feels good enough to teach a kickboxing class, she ought to have enough left over to interact with her husband in some way.

 

It just really seems like she just does not want to.

 

 

Exactly and this is my complaint all along. She wants to cuddle a lot lately but nothing more. I'm planning on doing as said above and just move out in January if things aren't better. Do a temporary separation. I never understood how a spouse could cheat on another but now living like this I can easily see how it happens. I met a woman that I can't stop thinking about. We had a crazy connection and she is so beautiful. I won't act on it but if I do move out I'm going to ask her on a date.

[elaine567]

I met a woman that I can't stop thinking about. We had a crazy connection and she is so beautiful. I won't act on it but if I do move out I'm going to ask her on a date.

 

Ah, finally we find out what this is really all about...

[What-2-Do]

Ah, finally we find out what this is really all about...

 

I just met her 2 weeks ago.

[What-2-Do]

I texted my wife to see if we could have sex later. Should be interesting if she responds and what her excuse is for tonight. If she turns me down I will just go to the gym again for the day.

[eightytwenty]

I texted my wife to see if we could have sex later. Should be interesting if she responds and what her excuse is for tonight. If she turns me down I will just go to the gym again for the day.

 

 

 

If my fiancé ever thought of asking "hey can we have sex tonight".. I would tell him he could do himself... I understand your in a bad spot but asking her to have sex?!?! Where is the romance, the fun. I mean if I was with someone like what you're coming through as, I would lay there like a sack of potatoes asking if you were done yet...

[What-2-Do]

If my fiancé ever thought of asking "hey can we have sex tonight".. I would tell him he could do himself... I understand your in a bad spot but asking her to have sex?!?! Where is the romance, the fun. I mean if I was with someone like what you're coming through as, I would lay there like a sack of potatoes asking if you were done yet...

 

It's not uncommon for either of us to text something like this. It was always something we did. One of us would text "fun tonight?" and it would get you thinking about it.

 

It's always worked for us.

[eightytwenty]

It's not uncommon for either of us to text something like this. It was always something we did. One of us would text "fun tonight?" and it would get you thinking about it.

 

It's always worked for us.

 

 

True...

 

 

If the marriage isn't great, you pressure her for sex, and I'm sure she's feels this hot and cold mess. You're all over the place here. She doesn't want to be part of it maybe. I wouldn't have sex with anyone like that, why would I do anything with someone that will divorce me over not having sex with them. I mean 6 months of this she was sick, these last two you've threaten divorce because of her not feeling good.

 

 

I do think it's bs that she can go to kick boxing but can't do it later or claims other issues are getting in the way.

 

 

I mean, yes, sex is important in a relationship, but you need to quit begging her, asking her, if you want it to work, start dating your wife again. If you done that, I mean it's time to go. Get a divorce and THEN find someone that'll love you.

[MidnightBlue1980]

I just met her 2 weeks ago.

 

On behalf of all the women who have gotten used by men who are in sexless marriages but wouldn't leave their wives, please do not get a 3rd person mixed up in this mess.

[What-2-Do]

True...

 

 

If the marriage isn't great, you pressure her for sex, and I'm sure she's feels this hot and cold mess. You're all over the place here. She doesn't want to be part of it maybe. I wouldn't have sex with anyone like that, why would I do anything with someone that will divorce me over not having sex with them. I mean 6 months of this she was sick, these last two you've threaten divorce because of her not feeling good.

 

 

I do think it's bs that she can go to kick boxing but can't do it later or claims other issues are getting in the way.

 

 

I mean, yes, sex is important in a relationship, but you need to quit begging her, asking her, if you want it to work, start dating your wife again. If you done that, I mean it's time to go. Get a divorce and THEN find someone that'll love you.

 

We haven't been on a date in over 2 years. I would love to date her again but she doesn't want to experience life

 

She responded to my text that maybe she will give a bj. This sucks

[eightytwenty]

We haven't been on a date in over 2 years. I would love to date her again but she doesn't want to experience life

 

She responded to my text that maybe she will give a bj. This sucks

 

 

Then leave. Quit going back and forth. Saying you will, then won't, Grow a pair and LEAVE. I don't know why you stay, but seriously. I'm sure everyone here has told you that as well... Get a attorney and GO. You say it sucks, well sir, you're the one that won't leave a bad situation.

[What-2-Do]

Then leave. Quit going back and forth. Saying you will, then won't, Grow a pair and LEAVE. I don't know why you stay, but seriously. I'm sure everyone here has told you that as well... Get a attorney and GO. You say it sucks, well sir, you're the one that won't leave a bad situation.

 

Because ultimately I want to fix it. I'm just so frustrated and I can't explain it

[BaileyB]

She asks for a back rub last night and you are passive aggressive - refusing and probably pouting like a child.

 

Today, you text and say "Honey, let's have sex tonight..."

 

And you actually expect her to have sex with you? What makes you think that she will have sex after how you treated her last night? You are lucky that you are getting a blow job... Done under duress, no doubt.

 

Your marriage is broken. It does suck - for both of you, no doubt.

[LexiCat29]

Because ultimately I want to fix it. I'm just so frustrated and I can't explain it

 

But it doesn't sound like SHE wants to fix it. It takes two people to have a marriage.

 

So can you explain again why you won't just have an open conversation with her about this and are choosing the passive aggressive method instead?

[BettyDraper]

Because ultimately I want to fix it. I'm just so frustrated and I can't explain it

 

You cannot fix a marriage by yourself.

If your wife is fine with the status quo then nothing will improve.

Did you ask your wife how the has the energy to teach a class but none to look after her responsibilities or her marriage?

[BettyDraper]

Exactly and this is my complaint all along. She wants to cuddle a lot lately but nothing more. I'm planning on doing as said above and just move out in January if things aren't better. Do a temporary separation. I never understood how a spouse could cheat on another but now living like this I can easily see how it happens. I met a woman that I can't stop thinking about. We had a crazy connection and she is so beautiful. I won't act on it but if I do move out I'm going to ask her on a date.

 

If your wife wants to cuddle and nothing more, I'm going to ask how often you touch her without the expectation of sex.

[What-2-Do]

If your wife wants to cuddle and nothing more, I'm going to ask how often you touch her without the expectation of sex.

 

I don't. I haven't tried initiating anything in the longest time because I'm beyond sick of getting rejected. If I cuddle with her I just cuddle with her and rub her head or back. I'm not a monster.

[Mumbles]

I texted my wife to see if we could have sex later. Should be interesting if she responds and what her excuse is for tonight. If she turns me down I will just go to the gym again for the day.

 

This was the thrust of my post a little above. Its a new day and your thoughts naturally go in a certain direction - I FULLY understand this and have done the same. But its never going to work. Even if things plateau at this point and appear on the surface to be returning to normal they are not normal and the "I want sex with you" thing is going to remain a flashpoint for ages, really, ages. Her defences will immediately be raised and you'll get the rejection and then you'll be hurt and you will be right back at the nasty place again in a heatbeat.

 

This is the 'long road to divorce' I speak of. You will both likely rinse and repeat this cycle until one of you just can't take it any more and divorce becomes inevitable.

 

This becomes a form of separation whilst living together. You both start, slowly, to disentangle from each other, first emotionally, then physically (were we are now), then socially ... before you know it you are living in separate bedrooms and simply pass each other in the hallway before getting on with your day.

 

This road is going to end in divorce - if nothing else changes its where you are both going. You already feel it, she does too I'm quite sure.

 

My wife and I left things too long before we physically separated (I moved out). I was fully immersed in the passive aggressive mindset at this point and what I actually really wanted, stupid as it sounds, was for her to beg me back. It never happened. Instead she started dating casually. This hurt me immensely - but it was her form of passive aggressive behaviour in actuality.

 

Of course my immediate response was wtf!! You want to have sex with all these guys but not with me ... WTF!!!! In your situation you already know its not her illness at the basis of her refusal. Its also not her energy levels, as evidenced by physical activity at the gym. Its the impasse between you.

 

It sounds to me like you are both not yet at the end of things, but you're heading right down that road. Some sort of circuit breaker just has to be introduced else nothing will stop this train wreck from happening.

 

I now know I should have strayed. I know, I know, its not your want to do this, you have said as much, I didn't want to either and didn't - and things inevitably ended. If I had got mine elsewhere maybe that would have ended things too, I'll never know. What I -do- know though is that I honestly didn't try everything ... straying would have been something ... it would have been the physical and emotional circuit breaker that I needed to be able to mentally move past my blockage and then concentrate on what was really going wrong in my marriage (no sex is just a symptom of something else).

 

For the naysayers out there - I understand your perspective, but, I guess individually we have to decide which is more important, ultimately, monogamy (actually incel) and almost certain divorce or trying something else which might still end in divorce but at least presents the possibility of moving in a different direction ....

[wheream_i]

I'm gonna be the **hole here and suggest finding an outside party to take care of your needs. Divorcing her while she is sick will make you look more like the heartless enemy than cheating will.

[Mumbles]

I'm gonna be the **hole here and suggest finding an outside party to take care of your needs.

 

I agree with this .. but ...

 

Divorcing her while she is sick will make you look more like the heartless enemy than cheating will.

 

It doesn't matter, or shouldn't, how it 'looks' to the outside world. I know this feeling and suffered it myself, but once you're into the meat of a divorce none of this matters. Your personal life and marriage failure is laid open and bare and both parties hurt enormously. At that point, how it looks barely rates on your emotional scale ... just getting through from one day to the next without collapsing into an emotional and financial mess becomes the focus .. survival mode kicks in. What Auntie Jane thinks, or what cousin Jack third removed on your wifes side thinks suddenly seems less relevant.