How to deal with Sexless Marriage? Wife is sick

[Sweetfish]

Because ultimately I want to fix it. I'm just so frustrated and I can't explain it

 

Ok..ok..ok... i think i see the issue.

 

You have no balls in this relationship. How does any man get a text from his wife.. that maybe he'll get some

 

Maybe if both of you would stop using sex as currency their wouldnt be a power struggle.

 

So here is my question... what do you wish to achive from this forum? 2 years your wife hasnt given you sex.. i feel for you.. i really do. But now your on this forum... what has changed and what have you learned?

 

The women here are not going to care for you. Because they find you replusive by your need for sex combined with bashing your wife.

 

You've gotten more advice then some post ive seen were the OP wants to commit suicide. Which is sad.

 

You come back over and over again and cant stick to one plan and follow thru.

 

Its like an episode of married with children

 

What do you want from the thread?

 

You gotten advice 20 pages long of information.. good and bad information from men and women. You have a think tank of all types of people.

 

So the only... logical conclusion... i can come to.

 

Is your selfish and you know whats going to suck the most in this situation. When the divorce comes to you or another man gets the sex that you've been waiting for.

 

With all the information most the women say you need to talk to her...

 

Im sorry... i find it hard to believe that your wife refuses to go on a date with you... i FIND that hard to believe. Specially, after hearing that kick boxing deal. In that date you could talk about whats going on. Unless you did something real sinster... i dont buy it.

 

I know a guy who cheated on his wife because she didnt give him sex. But they still dated.

 

Most the men and part of the women say divorce her. I agree its the worse choice... but your just prolonging the worse case scenario. Which may come to you without warning.

 

Everthing else your doing in between is just a game.

 

So what is it you wish to achieve in this thread?

 

You got opinions from a lot of people and it boils down to divorce or talk to her with compassion.

 

Im very curious to see how you will answer this.?

 

Is this your sound board and you enjoy the attention?

I dont see how a successful business owner has time between his busy life of talking care of his son, running a business, and doing all the house work has time to follow up on a 20 page thread..

 

Call me an A-hole... but just calling how i see it.

[5x5]

I'm taking the non-caring and cold approach right now. She wanted me to rub her back tonight and I flat out said NO. She was pissed about it but I said I just didn't feel up to it. The more rejection she receives hopefully the more she will realize how much it sucks.

 

 

So instead of doing something different that is substantive, you're going to go back to doing what has already failed to work for you in the past.

 

Nice one!

[What-2-Do]

I don't know what I expect from this thread. I've gotten a lot of great and terrible advice. I think the start of the thread I was hoping others were in a similar situation that I'm in and would say there is light at the end of the tunnel.

 

As far as her illness we are nearing the end of that. She's clearly feeling a lot better so that's a huge plus. This week she seems like she's finally starting to have some motivation back.

 

I've said some things on here about my wife but mostly out of frustration. Am I selfish? I'm honestly not.

 

Everyone says to talk to her. I've tried many many many times and she gets very defensive. She doesn't want to hear that things aren't perfect. I clearly know something is bothering her and I'm not sure what it is. I think some of it may come down to her wanting to buy a house. Needless to say I'm nervous about making that commitment for obvious reasons.

 

If I felt that she didn't love me I would honestly leave but I know that she does. She has been more cuddly lately and a lot more affectionate.

 

I truly want my old wife back. We had a great marriage, did a lot together, have been raising a great kid, did activities together and as a family, had an amazing sex life, and were truly bonded. That's what I want.

[What-2-Do]

So, tonight she offered the bj. Things progressed and we ended up having sex. It was great as it always is. As I said in my last post she's def. starting to feel better. I know this isn't the light at the end of the tunnel and that we need to communicate better. We both have stress and that stress effects us all differently.

 

We also have the week between X-Mas and New Years off so hopefully we'll get to spend some quality time together.

[BettyDraper]

So, tonight she offered the bj. Things progressed and we ended up having sex. It was great as it always is. As I said in my last post she's def. starting to feel better. I know this isn't the light at the end of the tunnel and that we need to communicate better. We both have stress and that stress effects us all differently.

 

We also have the week between X-Mas and New Years off so hopefully we'll get to spend some quality time together.

 

I'm glad that you and your wife had sex and it was enjoyable.

 

However, I am also concerned that your wife is just throwing you a bone again based on what happened before.

 

What do you think? Obviously you know your wife better than I ever will.

[whichwayisup]

I don't know what I expect from this thread. I've gotten a lot of great and terrible advice. I think the start of the thread I was hoping others were in a similar situation that I'm in and would say there is light at the end of the tunnel.

 

As far as her illness we are nearing the end of that. She's clearly feeling a lot better so that's a huge plus. This week she seems like she's finally starting to have some motivation back.

 

I've said some things on here about my wife but mostly out of frustration. Am I selfish? I'm honestly not.

 

Everyone says to talk to her. I've tried many many many times and she gets very defensive. She doesn't want to hear that things aren't perfect. I clearly know something is bothering her and I'm not sure what it is. I think some of it may come down to her wanting to buy a house. Needless to say I'm nervous about making that commitment for obvious reasons.

 

If I felt that she didn't love me I would honestly leave but I know that she does. She has been more cuddly lately and a lot more affectionate.

 

I truly want my old wife back. We had a great marriage, did a lot together, have been raising a great kid, did activities together and as a family, had an amazing sex life, and were truly bonded. That's what I want.

 

Which is why I suggested the letter!

[whichwayisup]

So, tonight she offered the bj. Things progressed and we ended up having sex. It was great as it always is. As I said in my last post she's def. starting to feel better. I know this isn't the light at the end of the tunnel and that we need to communicate better. We both have stress and that stress effects us all differently.

 

We also have the week between X-Mas and New Years off so hopefully we'll get to spend some quality time together.

 

Take her out to dinner. Go see a movie. Start rebuilding and having honest conversations. Sex may be back (for now) but there are so many other issues you two need to sort out. Learn how to truly hear and listen to one another, without defensiveness and acting passive.

 

Don't give her a choice, tell her you two have to go to marriage counseling, if that doesn't happen your marriage is going to always have the same issues in and out of the bedroom.

[What-2-Do]

I'm glad that you and your wife had sex and it was enjoyable.

 

However, I am also concerned that your wife is just throwing you a bone again based on what happened before.

 

What do you think? Obviously you know your wife better than I ever will.

 

I'm not sure. She did offer the bj and when she got into it she wanted more. She was very turned on so I know she wanted it. Who knows when it will happen gain and I'm not going to push it. She was very affectionate this morning and in a really good mood. I think we both needed it.

[What-2-Do]

Take her out to dinner. Go see a movie. Start rebuilding and having honest conversations. Sex may be back (for now) but there are so many other issues you two need to sort out. Learn how to truly hear and listen to one another, without defensiveness and acting passive.

 

Don't give her a choice, tell her you two have to go to marriage counseling, if that doesn't happen your marriage is going to always have the same issues in and out of the bedroom.

 

I agree 1000%. I'm going to simply plan a night on for our vacation. I will setup someone to watch our son and just go out to dinner and a show and hotel. Nothing crazy but something that can hopefully get is to reconnect again.

[What-2-Do]

I briefly spoke with her about getting her mother to watch our son for a night while we are on vacation. Her response was "we will have to play it by air." I explained that if we don't plan it then it def. won't happen. I understand that she may not be feeling good then because we have no idea how she will feel at that point and I know she has to take things day by day but we should at least plan a night out in hopes that she is feeling better.

[BettyDraper]

I briefly spoke with her about getting her mother to watch our son for a night while we are on vacation. Her response was "we will have to play it by air." I explained that if we don't plan it then it def. won't happen. I understand that she may not be feeling good then because we have no idea how she will feel at that point and I know she has to take things day by day but we should at least plan a night out in hopes that she is feeling better.

 

Why not just make the arrangments and tell your wife that you and she are going away? Many women love the idea of a man with a plan who takes control of a situation. I find it very romantic and sexy when my husband surprises me with a date or night away.

[What-2-Do]

Why not just make the arrangments and tell your wife that you and she are going away? Many women love the idea of a man with a plan who takes control of a situation. I find it very romantic and sexy when my husband surprises me with a date or night away.

 

Because we have very limited resources to take our son. I do like this idea though and I will find someone to take him. Then she can't say no.

[LexiCat29]

I'm gonna be the **hole here and suggest finding an outside party to take care of your needs. Divorcing her while she is sick will make you look more like the heartless enemy than cheating will.

 

Cheating is worse than divorce. It's not like she's dying, she has Lyme Disease..it's curable and she's almost over it.

 

OP I'm glad you finally got laid. Hopefully this means forward progress with your relationship.

[browzer]

I briefly spoke with her about getting her mother to watch our son for a night while we are on vacation. Her response was "we will have to play it by air."

 

It's EAR.

 

 

Play it by EAR.

[What-2-Do]

Cheating is worse than divorce. It's not like she's dying, she has Lyme Disease..it's curable and she's almost over it.

 

OP I'm glad you finally got laid. Hopefully this means forward progress with your relationship.

 

I agree 1000%. I wouldn't cheat on her. That would be horrible and I wouldn't put her thru that.

 

I'm hopeful that things will continue to improve. She's been back around a lot more this week. Coming to the gym and hanging out which she hasn't done in months.

[What-2-Do]

It's EAR.

 

 

Play it by EAR.

 

Great first post. Thanks

[What-2-Do]

It may be wise to start budgeting a date night once every week or so. Time for just the two of you.

 

Line up a sitter for the child and inform your wife it's a night out for both of you.

 

IF she declines - pay the sitter anyway. She should see you paying money when she doesn't participate...and a sitter that's been scheduled deserves money when they are willing to come over whether you go out or not.

 

Try it! You two may be able to start having fun again!

 

This is a great idea. I will def. set this up.

[What-2-Do]

I texted her to see if she wants to watch a movie and cuddle tonight. Let's see how this goes. Not looking for anything more.

[Cephalopod]

I agree 1000%. I wouldn't cheat on her. That would be horrible and I wouldn't put her thru that.

 

I'm hopeful that things will continue to improve. She's been back around a lot more this week. Coming to the gym and hanging out which she hasn't done in months.

 

Has she ever cheated on you? Reason I ask is that often a decline in sex goes hand in hand with an extramarital affair.

[5x5]

Has she ever cheated on you? Reason I ask is that often a decline in sex goes hand in hand with an extramarital affair.

 

Not necessarily, there are lots of times when marital infidelity occurs with no coincident decline in sexual frequency.

[Noirek]

Sweetfish- OP has not gone 2 years without sex or with only recent sex. He went 7 months while she was ill. But the sex has tapered off over two years and her investment in the marriage and apparently the child and life itself has been declining for two years. This makes a big difference in the telling.

 

OP- women have tetostrome too and many have crazy sex drives.

 

Back to the current development. I am hoping she has turned a corner since her health has improved. And whatever made things go downhill prelyme disease have also been knocked out of her. I'm skeptical of course but perhaps in your anxious state you have exaggerated things and done a little maritial rewritting. Or you focused only on the negative.

 

Now that your getting some can you look at this objectively?

 

1. Sex should never be the most important part of marriage as you stated. Important-yes but not the MOST. Why? Because as you can see illness can take that away easily. As can old age. Now if you really meant just physical touch without it having to be sexual in nature. Than i can see that being a strong love language with you and necessary. Still i would reconsider placeing sex itself as number one priority in a marriage. You are in charge of your focus and where you put your energies. You are not at the mercy of your hormones. It takes work but you can do it. And once again, i'm not saying sex isn't important. Just shouldn't be number one.

 

2. Has she stepped up in any way besides sex. With your son? Helping out at home? Not watching tv 24/7? Her hygiene? I am still concerned this is that bone she throws knowing you prioritize sex above all else. As long as she gives sex you'll stick around and care for her and your son. So has she shown improvement at all in other areas?

 

3. Have you asked her specifically why she has changed and give clear examples of. "You did this before and now you do this?" When you use clear examples it stops her from saying she hasn't.

 

4. Have you brought up m/c again?

 

I don't know whats wrong with your wife. Barely taking care of her child and husband after she waa a fantastic wife for years is not normal. I do hope she is getting better making better choices though. And I hope now that you got some action you are able to focus on all those other red flags.

[What-2-Do]

Has she ever cheated on you? Reason I ask is that often a decline in sex goes hand in hand with an extramarital affair.

 

No, she never has. I don't think she could ever do that. She has very high morals. My brother cheated on his wife and is now divorced and living with the girlfriend. My wife detests both of them.

[What-2-Do]

1.) I agree that sex is not the most important thing in a marriage. Our family is what matters the most and just having the strong bond and connection with someone is way more important.

 

2.) She has and has been offering to do things for me to help me out which she hasn't done in a long time. She's also back to taking on more responsibility with our son which is great.

 

3.) I have asked her and she just will reply that she's not 20 years old anymore. I try to explain that age means nothing. I train with kids in their 20's all day long and I run circles around most of them. Doesn't mean anything.

 

4.) This I have not. I may bring up the His Needs Her Needs book again. I think it would be a good start.

 

Overall, this week has been mostly good. No arguing or any conflict for the most part. Who knows what the weekend and future will bring but I'm willing to take it day by day if there is light at the end of the tunnel.

 

 

 

 

Sweetfish- OP has not gone 2 years without sex or with only recent sex. He went 7 months while she was ill. But the sex has tapered off over two years and her investment in the marriage and apparently the child and life itself has been declining for two years. This makes a big difference in the telling.

 

OP- women have tetostrome too and many have crazy sex drives.

 

Back to the current development. I am hoping she has turned a corner since her health has improved. And whatever made things go downhill prelyme disease have also been knocked out of her. I'm skeptical of course but perhaps in your anxious state you have exaggerated things and done a little maritial rewritting. Or you focused only on the negative.

 

Now that your getting some can you look at this objectively?

 

1. Sex should never be the most important part of marriage as you stated. Important-yes but not the MOST. Why? Because as you can see illness can take that away easily. As can old age. Now if you really meant just physical touch without it having to be sexual in nature. Than i can see that being a strong love language with you and necessary. Still i would reconsider placeing sex itself as number one priority in a marriage. You are in charge of your focus and where you put your energies. You are not at the mercy of your hormones. It takes work but you can do it. And once again, i'm not saying sex isn't important. Just shouldn't be number one.

 

2. Has she stepped up in any way besides sex. With your son? Helping out at home? Not watching tv 24/7? Her hygiene? I am still concerned this is that bone she throws knowing you prioritize sex above all else. As long as she gives sex you'll stick around and care for her and your son. So has she shown improvement at all in other areas?

 

3. Have you asked her specifically why she has changed and give clear examples of. "You did this before and now you do this?" When you use clear examples it stops her from saying she hasn't.

 

4. Have you brought up m/c again?

 

I don't know whats wrong with your wife. Barely taking care of her child and husband after she waa a fantastic wife for years is not normal. I do hope she is getting better making better choices though. And I hope now that you got some action you are able to focus on all those other red flags.

[central]

It seems you've talked yourself out of taking action. BTW, that light at the end of the tunnel is a train coming towards you, and you're walking towards it. It may not reach you for years, but by then you can't outrun it. Then, you'll leave her, look back, and wonder why you didn't get out while you could.

 

 

(Based on my own indecisiveness when in similar situation with my ex.)

[whichwayisup]

Great first post. Thanks

 

:lmao:

 

I texted her to see if she wants to watch a movie and cuddle tonight. Let's see how this goes. Not looking for anything more.

 

Even offer to watch a chick flick. Junior is a funny movie if you've not seen it yet.