How to deal with Sexless Marriage? Wife is sick

[What-2-Do]

Her doctor wanted her to take a 2nd antibiotic for the next 45 days and them come off of them completely. She took it starting on Saturday and it did her in. Caused her a massive headache that has lasted thru today (Monday) and she stayed home from work. Needless to say she isn't going to continue on that.

 

Hopefully she's feeling better tomorrow and is feeling good for Christmas. I ended up getting her a kitten today and she's super excited about that. She's wanted one for a long time and I'm hoping the comfort she gets from the cat will help cheer her up. Other than that not too much going on.

[What-2-Do]

The past week I've been focusing on myself which has been great. Working on growing my business and getting into better shape. She's not a huge fan of my going to the gym all the time. When I get big and ripped she hates the attention that other women give me.

 

Talking with my friends tonight they told me that they unfollowed her on Facebook because she is just so negative and always posting cryptic posts and drama.

[Mz. Pixie]

I honestly think she allows herself to wallow and feel sorry for herself.

 

It seems like every single thing that she could use to complain about health wise she does!

 

I have a chronic pain condition I was diagnosed with seven years ago. I tested positive. Plus I have had EBV the last six months. Which cause extreme fatigue. Winter time is tough tough. I work everyday- a stressful job. I have kids. And I meet my partners sexual needs.

 

I know people that have the same condition I have that are wheelchair dependent or narcotic dependent. I guess I could be but dang why would I want to? There are many nights I don't sleep. I just wallow with the pain but I don't check out of life or complain much even.

 

I said all of that to let you know I might sound unsympathetic but I'm not. I do however believe she's using this as an excuse to check out of responsibility.

[What-2-Do]

I honestly think she allows herself to wallow and feel sorry for herself.

 

It seems like every single thing that she could use to complain about health wise she does!

 

I have a chronic pain condition I was diagnosed with seven years ago. I tested positive. Plus I have had EBV the last six months. Which cause extreme fatigue. Winter time is tough tough. I work everyday- a stressful job. I have kids. And I meet my partners sexual needs.

 

I know people that have the same condition I have that are wheelchair dependent or narcotic dependent. I guess I could be but dang why would I want to? There are many nights I don't sleep. I just wallow with the pain but I don't check out of life or complain much even.

 

I said all of that to let you know I might sound unsympathetic but I'm not. I do however believe she's using this as an excuse to check out of responsibility.

 

I hate to say it but you're completely right. It's always been something for the 15 years we've been together. Hardly a day has gone by in the entire 15 years where she wasn't complaining that something hurts or she had a headache etc. Now, it's just magnified 1000 times.

 

Hearing the complaining for so many years I've learned to no longer hear it. I know that sounds awful but it's the Boy Who Cried Wolf.

 

Sorry you have to deal with that pain and fatigue. Kudos for you though for still being a spouse and keeping your responsibilities.

[What-2-Do]

Here are her most recent Facebook posts:

 

GD dishwasher.... Leaked all over the floor.....

 

Screw you gi system..

 

And now the kid is home with a stomach ache.

 

Had a 2 week run where I felt human.. hooray for small victories right?? Day 4 of this headache reminds me that lyme still sucks.. #lymewinstodaybutnotforever

 

Stupid Stupid headache day 3.... My eyes even hurt

 

No sleep, crappy stomach thanks antibiotics

 

Started my new antibiotic today here is hoping for no reaction........#lymesucks, #toomanydamnpills

 

 

These posts are all consecutive and back to back. I didn't hand pick them.

[BaileyB]

You have a good point. She's a very self centred and negative person. Maybe you should divorce her...

 

Seriously, are we back to this again? I don't mean to be insensitive, but last week you had sex and she cuddled with you, so you thought you were on your way to reconciliation. The week before that, you complained about everything and planned to leave after the holidays. This week, you are complaining about her again... What do you expect everyone to say?

 

There is a pattern here. I'm sure this constant flip-flopping is a part of the process for you, but we've heard this before. You need to decide - either she is a good woman and you love her and want to stay married... Or she is a negative person who has checked out of the marriage and you need to leave.

Edited December 23, 2016 by BaileyB

[What-2-Do]

You have a good point. She's a very self centred and negative person. Maybe you should divorce her...

 

Seriously, are we back to this again? I don't mean to be insensitive, but last week you had sex and she cuddled with you, so you thought you were on your way to reconciliation. The week before that, you complained about everything and planned to leave after the holidays. This week, you are complaining about her again... What do you expect everyone to say?

 

There is a pattern here. I'm sure this constant flip-flopping is a part of the process for you, but we've heard this before. You need to decide - either she is a good woman and you love her and want to stay married... Or she is a negative person who has checked out of the marriage and you need to leave.

 

You are right. Things are never going to change so I have a difficult decision to make. Stay in a marriage that is nothing but frustrating or leave and start over. Either way I'm screwed.

[NuevoYorko]

You are right. Things are never going to change so I have a difficult decision to make. Stay in a marriage that is nothing but frustrating or leave and start over. Either way I'm screwed.

You sure go through a lot of strong ups and downs. Just about a week ago you bought her a kitten and sounded very positive about things. Now it's all about what a creepy loser she is.

 

Why are your mutual friends sharing with you how badly they regard your wife? That's not right.

 

Things really can't change if you always have one foot out the door. Either stay mostly positive or leave.

[What-2-Do]

You sure go through a lot of strong ups and downs. Just about a week ago you bought her a kitten and sounded very positive about things. Now it's all about what a creepy loser she is.

 

Why are your mutual friends sharing with you how badly they regard your wife? That's not right.

 

Things really can't change if you always have one foot out the door. Either stay mostly positive or leave.

 

I try to stay positive and think things will get better but when she puts in less and less effort and is constantly complaining about everything it's really difficult. I'm a very positive person and being around her has been very draining.

 

My friends brought it up because we were discussing what was going on and I was talking about how the negativity is killing me. That's when they said they no longer follow her on Facebook because she's just so negative and wants that negative attention.

 

I can't say that I blame them to be totally honest. Last weekend I suggested we do something fun on Saturday night. Her response was "let's see how I feel later." Needless to say she was feeling sick even though she was totally fine up to that point. She has her go-to excuse now for everything.

[What-2-Do]

It's Friday night and my wife went to bed at 6:30. She didn't say anything just went upstairs and went to bed. What an incredible relationship.

[BluesPower]

You have taken some real hits about all of this. I understand what you are going through. I understand wanting to try and save your marriage, believe me on that one. I know that you love your wife.

 

But look, it is time to s*** or get off the pot. You have been completely weak in every way with your wife. You have put up with way to much stuff for way to long.

 

A weak man will never have any respect from a woman, ever.

 

Frankly, I doubt that she really has any respect or love for you because you have been her little butt monkey taking care of her every need. Believing the BS that she is telling you about her being sick. I really don't think there is much here to save.

 

She is in a perpetual downer, she is severely, severely depressed. None one behaves the way that she does unless they are depressive. I am not talking about just your standard situational depression. She is at the very least suffering from "Chronic Depression". It has not been diagnosed because she is happy being depressed and sick and having something to gripe about.

 

She does not even realize what is going on with her. She needs massive psychological treatment, and possibly needs to enter an psych hospital so they can get her properly medicated and stabilized.

 

But here is the deal you really need to decide, and I mean make a fricking decision, whether or not you are strong enough to do what you need to do.

 

Caring for someone with her problems and her attitude is an absolutely massive, sometimes overwhelming job. And frankly it may not help her in the long run if she does not want to change. Even if she does, because she has little love and no respect for you, if she does get better after years of treatment she may leave you.

 

Understand that I have lived this type of scenario for 26 years. I have done it all and my wife never worked, and I still had to raise the kids on my on because she was "Sick" (a drug addict).

 

I have dedicated half of my life to a woman that in the end does not love me and took advantage of my love our entire marriage. I am preparing to divorce her. Even though she is sober now, or maybe because of her sobriety, now that there is a chance she will be able to care for herself, I am still going to file.

 

What I have learned is that 1) I deserve to be happy. 2) You cannot make someone love you. 3) I don't have too many years left and I don't want to live this way. 4) You cannot change people if they don't want to change.

 

I am telling you that you could try for the next 10 years and it is possible that nothing will change and you will be in the same position that I am in.

 

You will have tried for a good portion of your life to fix your wife and make her love you the way that you want to be loved, and you will have wasted a good portion of your life.

 

It is time to be happy and divorce your wife. It is really your only chance.

[beautifulinside2]

It's Friday night and my wife went to bed at 6:30. She didn't say anything just went upstairs and went to bed. What an incredible relationship.

 

Is it possible for you to separate for a few months, not divorce.

[What-2-Do]

Is it possible for you to separate for a few months, not divorce.

 

The problem is if I move out I need to sign a lease for a place to live so I'm stuck paying for it for an entire year. If I move out then I'm done for good.

[BaileyB]

You are right. Things are never going to change so I have a difficult decision to make. Stay in a marriage that is nothing but frustrating or leave and start over. Either way I'm screwed.

 

You have been a little beat up in this discussion, and I don't say this to be unkind in any way...

 

But seriously, at some point you will need to stop feeling like the victim and realize that at the end of the day, YOU are responsible for your own happiness.

[What-2-Do]

You have been a little beat up in this discussion, and I don't say this to be unkind in any way...

 

But seriously, at some point you will need to stop feeling like the victim and realize that at the end of the day, YOU are responsible for your own happiness.

 

I completely agree with this. Besides my relationship with my wife my life has been great. I love my job, make a great living, am in great shape, and all that is great. What I'm lacking is any intimacy with anyone and that's tearing me apart.

 

It's 9:30am and she's still in bed. She came down for a few minutes and went back in bed. This makes 15 hours in bed.

[BluesPower]

That is the depression, again.

 

Bailey is right, you are responsible for your happiness.

[BettyDraper]

The problem is if I move out I need to sign a lease for a place to live so I'm stuck paying for it for an entire year. If I move out then I'm done for good.

 

Are there short term rentals near you?

If not, it might be good to live apart for a year while you and your wife decide how you would like to proceed.

[BettyDraper]

I completely agree with this. Besides my relationship with my wife my life has been great. I love my job, make a great living, am in great shape, and all that is great. What I'm lacking is any intimacy with anyone and that's tearing me apart.

 

It's 9:30am and she's still in bed. She came down for a few minutes and went back in bed. This makes 15 hours in bed.

 

Being in bed for that long is an indicator of depression. It's time to think of what you want out of life since your wife is not interested in improving for herself and her family.

 

I'm sorry that you're going through this since you seem like a decent man.

At least you know that you're a great catch. If you decide to divorce, you will have no trouble meeting someone who is at your level.

[BaileyB]

Agreed. It's the day before Christmas. Why are you sitting at home waiting for your wife to grace you with her presence? Why aren't you doing something with your son, having a pre-Christmas drink with a friend, or planning where you are going to live in the New Year?

 

I think a short term rental and separation is best. Your wife is depressed, she shows no sign of wanting to change or even really wanting to invest in your marriage anymore... I know that it is a difficult decision and obviously not what you would want. But, you will be happy only when you decide to make it happen.

[What-2-Do]

She offered to give a BJ tonight and I said I was all set and now she is so pissed off at me and won't talk to me. Gotta love the double standard. I need to decide what I'm going to do without being side-tracked and pulled back with sex. I truly feel it's just being used as a band-aid to buy her more time.

[elaine567]

She is in a perpetual downer, she is severely, severely depressed. None one behaves the way that she does unless they are depressive. I am not talking about just your standard situational depression. She is at the very least suffering from "Chronic Depression".

 

Agreed, chronic debilitating illness and Lyme Disease are both associated with depression and mental illness.

 

It has not been diagnosed because she is happy being depressed and sick and having something to gripe about.

 

BUT this ^^^ is very unfair to the OPs wife.

Depressed people are not happy about being depressed and sick, they are not deliberately trying to make life difficult for those around them, they are just ILL.

 

Signs and symptoms of depression

 

• Tiredness and loss of energy.
  
• Sadness that doesn’t go away.
  
• Loss of self-confidence and self-esteem.
  
• Difficulty concentrating.
  
• Not being able to enjoy things that are usually pleasurable or interesting.
  
• Feeling anxious all the time.
  
• Avoiding other people, sometimes even your close friends.
  
• Feelings of helplessness and hopelessness.
  
• Sleeping problems - difficulties in getting off to sleep or waking up much earlier than usual.
  
• Very strong feelings of guilt or worthlessness.
  
• Finding it hard to function at work/college/school.
  
• Loss of appetite.
  
• Loss of sex drive and/or sexual problems.
  
• Physical aches and pains.
  
• Thinking about suicide and death.
  
• Self-harm
  

[BaileyB]

She offered to give a BJ tonight and I said I was all set and now she is so pissed off at me and won't talk to me. Gotta love the double standard. I need to decide what I'm going to do without being side-tracked and pulled back with sex. I truly feel it's just being used as a band-aid to buy her more time.

 

Really? Do you think so?

 

Lack of sex is a symptoms of problems in a relationship/marriage.

 

But problems in a marriage can never be solved with sex.

 

Sex shouldn't even be part of the discussion right now. You need to decide if this is the person you want to hitch your wagon to for the rest of your life. And if not, then you need to make a decision, set a plan in motion, and CHOOSE happiness!

[What-2-Do]

Really? Do you think so?

 

Lack of sex is a symptoms of problems in a relationship/marriage.

 

But problems in a marriage can never be solved with sex.

 

Sex shouldn't even be part of the discussion right now. You need to decide if this is the person you want to hitch your wagon to for the rest of your life. And if not, then you need to make a decision, set a plan in motion, and CHOOSE happiness!

 

I agree. This is exactly why I turned her down. I need to decide what I'm going to do. I wish I could fix my marriage but I'm afraid it's too late to be fixed.

[BluesPower]

My point is this.

 

People in this "State" are often so use to it that they get comfortable.

 

She is comfortable, and since she is, she is not really going to tell the docs about how depressed she really is. Hell, she may not understand how bad it is herself.

 

Believe me, I am sympathetic to anyone with illness and depression. But I am not sympathetic to the wife in this case. Yes she is depressed and yes she has had a rough disease to recover from, but she is all but finished with the lyme treatments.

 

I will say that how she can work full time and still be this depressed is just a mystery to me. I actually cannot wrap my head around that.

[MidnightBlue1980]

My point is this.

 

People in this "State" are often so use to it that they get comfortable.

 

She is comfortable, and since she is, she is not really going to tell the docs about how depressed she really is. Hell, she may not understand how bad it is herself.

 

Believe me, I am sympathetic to anyone with illness and depression. But I am not sympathetic to the wife in this case. Yes she is depressed and yes she has had a rough disease to recover from, but she is all but finished with the lyme treatments.

 

I will say that how she can work full time and still be this depressed is just a mystery to me. I actually cannot wrap my head around that.

 

Some people are able to block things out in order to work. I have had physical ailments and I will say there is a difference between depression and lyme disease. Not discounting depression, I'm definitely familiar with it from women I lived with, but I think it's just different with things like Lyme Disease, Chronic Fatigue, and these other illnesses where you just feel physically terrible all the time. You can't really block that out. There is no pill for many of these diseases.

 

That said, it's not really that hard to just have sex with your spouse and I bet if she just took care of his needs, we wouldn't be here having this conversation. OP sounds like a nice man who would probably be waiting on his wife hand and feet. It's just like that old expression, when you are having sex, sex is 10% of a relationship. When you are not, it's 90%.