How to deal with Sexless Marriage? Wife is sick

[elaine567]

 

I will say that how she can work full time and still be this depressed is just a mystery to me. I actually cannot wrap my head around that.

 

Because "walking depression" and "smiling depression" are real things and not everyone who is depressed is hiding under the duvet 24/7.

Hence why the happy go lucky chap at work is found dead having committed suicide. No-one even knew he was depressed, as he just carried on.

 

Living with Walking Depression

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-guest-room/201411/smiling-depression

[What-2-Do]

It's just frustrating that she's unwilling to do anything yet she expects everyone to do every errand or chore that she asks. When you ask her to reciprocate the answer is always no. No matter how big or small the request is.

 

She is clearly depressed but is completely unwilling to do anything about it. She won't admit that she has any depression and laughs at me if I ever bring it up. I brought up marriage counseling again and she just completely refused.

 

If she's unwilling to put any work in then how can I keep trying?

[BluesPower]

It's just frustrating that she's unwilling to do anything yet she expects everyone to do every errand or chore that she asks. When you ask her to reciprocate the answer is always no. No matter how big or small the request is.

 

She is clearly depressed but is completely unwilling to do anything about it. She won't admit that she has any depression and laughs at me if I ever bring it up. I brought up marriage counseling again and she just completely refused.

 

If she's unwilling to put any work in then how can I keep trying?

 

Well, that is the point. But you already know that. If you want to be happy at some point you have to divorce her, there is no other way.

[What-2-Do]

Well, that is the point. But you already know that. If you want to be happy at some point you have to divorce her, there is no other way.

 

I totally understand this. It's just such a difficult thing to go thru but I do feel I have no other option. Would be awesome being excited again to be with someone.

[What-2-Do]

So, today being Christmas, was quite interesting. We went to her mothers house and her mother noticed her hands. My wife used to have really sexy hands and would have the coolest manicures done. Now, her hands look like old lady hands and they are all cut up because she picks and bites at them all day long ripping off the skin etc. It's disgusting. Her mother comments "what the hell happened to your hands?" Then she started telling my wife that she needs to go back to taking care of herself and stop using this as an excuse to basically wither up and die.

 

Needless to say my wife got all defensive and was saying she didn't go there to be attacked. Her mother hasn't seen her in a few months and she sees that my wife has just given up with everything. Her mother then suggested she take our son for a weekend so the two of us can go away. My wife refused and said she can't plan anything because she doesn't know how she will feel. Her mother said that was a total B.S. excuse. her mother later pulled me aside and said to be patient with her and I told her I've been nothing but patient and I wasn't sure how much longer I could deal with.

 

Thinking about everything and about my future I believe it is def. time to move on. It's not going to be an easy road ahead butI can't live like this any longer. I deserve better

[Mz. Pixie]

I hate to say it but you're completely right. It's always been something for the 15 years we've been together. Hardly a day has gone by in the entire 15 years where she wasn't complaining that something hurts or she had a headache etc. Now, it's just magnified 1000 times.

 

Hearing the complaining for so many years I've learned to no longer hear it. I know that sounds awful but it's the Boy Who Cried Wolf.

 

Sorry you have to deal with that pain and fatigue. Kudos for you though for still being a spouse and keeping your responsibilities.

 

I know all about the cry wolf thing. Your wife sounds exactly like my mother. I lived with someone like this-except of pushing her responsibilities to her husband she pushed them on my grandmother. It's made me loathe complaining. When I was pregnant with my second child I was in the hospital and she used it as an way to get sympathy from her friends. "Oh my daughter is so sick and in the hospital but I'm too sick to go visit her".

 

She's manipulating you. So you continue to be the workhorse while she slacks. Seriously. Only you can decide if this is what you want to do for the next 20 years.

 

Most women can manipulate a man if they try to. It's not that hard actually. I have never taken that route but I've seen just how easy it could be. She throws a litttle attention. You back off from divorce.

 

Let this sink in-she's not concerned with your happiness.

 

It's all about her. And will continue to be. God forbid you get sick. She won't be able to take care of you.

 

It sucks but this is where you are. Only you can change it.

[Mz. Pixie]

You have taken some real hits about all of this. I understand what you are going through. I understand wanting to try and save your marriage, believe me on that one. I know that you love your wife.

 

But look, it is time to s*** or get off the pot. You have been completely weak in every way with your wife. You have put up with way to much stuff for way to long.

 

A weak man will never have any respect from a woman, ever.

 

Frankly, I doubt that she really has any respect or love for you because you have been her little butt monkey taking care of her every need. Believing the BS that she is telling you about her being sick. I really don't think there is much here to save.

 

She is in a perpetual downer, she is severely, severely depressed. None one behaves the way that she does unless they are depressive. I am not talking about just your standard situational depression. She is at the very least suffering from "Chronic Depression". It has not been diagnosed because she is happy being depressed and sick and having something to gripe about.

 

She does not even realize what is going on with her. She needs massive psychological treatment, and possibly needs to enter an psych hospital so they can get her properly medicated and stabilized.

 

But here is the deal you really need to decide, and I mean make a fricking decision, whether or not you are strong enough to do what you need to do.

 

Caring for someone with her problems and her attitude is an absolutely massive, sometimes overwhelming job. And frankly it may not help her in the long run if she does not want to change. Even if she does, because she has little love and no respect for you, if she does get better after years of treatment she may leave you.

 

Understand that I have lived this type of scenario for 26 years. I have done it all and my wife never worked, and I still had to raise the kids on my on because she was "Sick" (a drug addict).

 

I have dedicated half of my life to a woman that in the end does not love me and took advantage of my love our entire marriage. I am preparing to divorce her. Even though she is sober now, or maybe because of her sobriety, now that there is a chance she will be able to care for herself, I am still going to file.

 

What I have learned is that 1) I deserve to be happy. 2) You cannot make someone love you. 3) I don't have too many years left and I don't want to live this way. 4) You cannot change people if they don't want to change.

 

I am telling you that you could try for the next 10 years and it is possible that nothing will change and you will be in the same position that I am in.

 

You will have tried for a good portion of your life to fix your wife and make her love you the way that you want to be loved, and you will have wasted a good portion of your life.

 

It is time to be happy and divorce your wife. It is really your only chance.

 

What a great post. Please read and consider.

[Mz. Pixie]

She offered to give a BJ tonight and I said I was all set and now she is so pissed off at me and won't talk to me. Gotta love the double standard. I need to decide what I'm going to do without being side-tracked and pulled back with sex. I truly feel it's just being used as a band-aid to buy her more time.

 

Ding. Ding. Ding. That's what we are saying.

[Mz. Pixie]

It's just frustrating that she's unwilling to do anything yet she expects everyone to do every errand or chore that she asks. When you ask her to reciprocate the answer is always no. No matter how big or small the request is.

 

She is clearly depressed but is completely unwilling to do anything about it. She won't admit that she has any depression and laughs at me if I ever bring it up. I brought up marriage counseling again and she just completely refused.

 

If she's unwilling to put any work in then how can I keep trying?

 

Okay? Think about it. What would be her motivation to change?

 

She is living without responsibility. She does what she wants and then throws out illness. And you take care of your son. Like seriously? Maybe once in the first ten years of my kids life did I ever go to bed before them. I had surgery. What mother just goes to bed and leaves their kid all the dang time. Without even asking hey do you mind if I get a nap?

 

You have taken on the father role. You are parenting her.

 

She's got it made. No reason to change.

 

And for the people complaining he's making this about sex. I agree the focus on that is a little much. However-you're missing the point. The lack of intimacy in his marriage makes him feel unloved. Period. Men feel loved when their partners are sexually into them. They are typically wired that way. God made them like that and frankly there is nothing wrong with that. He deserves to feel loved especially since he does everything else.

[What-2-Do]

Okay? Think about it. What would be her motivation to change?

 

She is living without responsibility. She does what she wants and then throws out illness. And you take care of your son. Like seriously? Maybe once in the first ten years of my kids life did I ever go to bed before them. I had surgery. What mother just goes to bed and leaves their kid all the dang time. Without even asking hey do you mind if I get a nap?

 

You have taken on the father role. You are parenting her.

 

She's got it made. No reason to change.

 

And for the people complaining he's making this about sex. I agree the focus on that is a little much. However-you're missing the point. The lack of intimacy in his marriage makes him feel unloved. Period. Men feel loved when their partners are sexually into them. They are typically wired that way. God made them like that and frankly there is nothing wrong with that. He deserves to feel loved especially since he does everything else.

 

Thank you I appreciate this. As I've said it's more than just the lack of sex. However, getting zero attention from her makes me feel dead. When I get attention from the women at my gym it's a real ego boost. I don't want it from other women I just want it from her.

 

She hates when I'm in awesome shape. I realized it's because of the attention I get from other women and she hates that. I think she feels that if I wasn't attractive I would never be able to leave.

[spanz1]

keep in mind, there is a lot of published evidence that YOU can contract lyme disease from oral sex with her. Just FYI

[Mz. Pixie]

Thank you I appreciate this. As I've said it's more than just the lack of sex. However, getting zero attention from her makes me feel dead. When I get attention from the women at my gym it's a real ego boost. I don't want it from other women I just want it from her.

 

She hates when I'm in awesome shape. I realized it's because of the attention I get from other women and she hates that. I think she feels that if I wasn't attractive I would never be able to leave.

 

She can't focus on you. She's so focused on herself. She's even told you that the only thing she can focus on is herself. That's like saying tough-I control the sex around here and what I say goes.

 

It's quite possible your wife is a narcassist. She had traits before but her being sick exacerbated it.

 

The real bottom line is that you don't feel loved or appreciated. And her lack of care or concern over that is astounding.

 

Are you a conflict avoider? Think about that before saying you're not. I'm not being ugly it's just that this has been going on so long and even her own mother is telling her to suck it up. Geeze. And refusing to have a weekend alone? Never would I have.

[Mz. Pixie]

Thank you I appreciate this. As I've said it's more than just the lack of sex. However, getting zero attention from her makes me feel dead. When I get attention from the women at my gym it's a real ego boost. I don't want it from other women I just want it from her.

 

She hates when I'm in awesome shape. I realized it's because of the attention I get from other women and she hates that. I think she feels that if I wasn't attractive I would never be able to leave

 

Double post

Edited December 26, 2016 by Mz. Pixie

[What-2-Do]

She can't focus on you. She's so focused on herself. She's even told you that the only thing she can focus on is herself. That's like saying tough-I control the sex around here and what I say goes.

 

It's quite possible your wife is a narcassist. She had traits before but her being sick exacerbated it.

 

The real bottom line is that you don't feel loved or appreciated. And her lack of care or concern over that is astounding.

 

Are you a conflict avoider? Think about that before saying you're not. I'm not being ugly it's just that this has been going on so long and even her own mother is telling her to suck it up. Geeze. And refusing to have a weekend alone? Never would I have.

 

I don't mind conflict but i will avoid it if I can. The problem with her is that we can't have a civil discussion. If I bring anything up she gets all defensive and can't communicate. It will turn into a 3 day fight that gets nowhere. She can NEVER admit she ever does anything wrong.

 

As I sit here typing she's on the other side of the couch ripping her fingers apart. I said something and she just jumps down my throat.

 

I have another option to move out. My dad moved out our way 2 years ago and lives about 15 minutes from us. I could easily move into his house for a month or two but the problem is he is a lot like my wife. He's very negative and I don't want to go from one negative person to another.

 

The more I think about this the more I realize things can't continue. It's not fair to me to have to go thru this every single day. She's beyond miserable and is not willing to do anything to change it.

 

Everyone tells her she needs to start getting out and doing things, including her doctor, but she just refuses. She has the entire week off this week and I'm willing to bet she does nothing more than watch TV all week. Then, when I decide to go out she'll give me a hard time.

[What-2-Do]

For the past 15 minutes she's been yelling at my son over nothing. Then she gets mad at me because I don't say anything. She's constantly arguing with him and I just don't get it.

[whichwayisup]

So, today being Christmas, was quite interesting. We went to her mothers house and her mother noticed her hands. My wife used to have really sexy hands and would have the coolest manicures done. Now, her hands look like old lady hands and they are all cut up because she picks and bites at them all day long ripping off the skin etc. It's disgusting. Her mother comments "what the hell happened to your hands?" Then she started telling my wife that she needs to go back to taking care of herself and stop using this as an excuse to basically wither up and die.

 

Needless to say my wife got all defensive and was saying she didn't go there to be attacked. Her mother hasn't seen her in a few months and she sees that my wife has just given up with everything. Her mother then suggested she take our son for a weekend so the two of us can go away. My wife refused and said she can't plan anything because she doesn't know how she will feel. Her mother said that was a total B.S. excuse. her mother later pulled me aside and said to be patient with her and I told her I've been nothing but patient and I wasn't sure how much longer I could deal with.

 

Thinking about everything and about my future I believe it is def. time to move on. It's not going to be an easy road ahead butI can't live like this any longer. I deserve better

 

Your wife is depressed, even her own mother noticed something isn't right. Though she handled it rudely and badly. Instead of talking to her and giving support, she pissed your wife off and got her defensive.

 

I think it's time to do a family intervention before you throw in the towel and divorce her. ALL of you who love her, close friends and family, talk to her in a group - get her the help she desperately needs, counseling, meds, whatever. Regardless if you stay or go, fact remains your wife is depressed and needs professional help badly. She isn't living anymore, she's not happy and honestly, she probably hates herself which makes it harder to function and feel good.

[BluesPower]

You know what the family intervention thing is a good idea.

 

That might have a slight chance of working. If everyone told her is a loving way it might make an impact.

 

They need to convince her to admit herself into a hospital to be treated for severe depression.

 

If even that does not work you need to separate ASAP and file for divorce. You know this is the right thing to do for your family you are just scared to do it.

[What-2-Do]

You know what the family intervention thing is a good idea.

 

That might have a slight chance of working. If everyone told her is a loving way it might make an impact.

 

They need to convince her to admit herself into a hospital to be treated for severe depression.

 

If even that does not work you need to separate ASAP and file for divorce. You know this is the right thing to do for your family you are just scared to do it.

 

The intervention will never work. My wife can't take any criticism in any way shape or form even if it is with good intentions. She's very combative and close minded. She's really close with her mother and used to go see her all the time with our son. However, since she's been sick she hasn't gone to visit her at all.

 

Her mother wants to spend time with our son but my wife is unwilling to leave the house. I brought up the depression thing yesterday and she just laughed it off.

 

A few months back her primary gave her Sertrailine to help with the depression and anxiety and she took it once and refused to take it again. I wish I could just honestly communicate with her but she makes it impossible. I think it might be time to just write the letter explaining everything that way she can't fight me about it.

[BluesPower]

No dude it is just time to file for divorce as hard as that is.

 

If you are correct that some type of intervention will not work then just file. However, there are people that know how to facilitate this kind of stuff and deal with the person that is combative.

 

Here is the think. Try this or don't. Either way, you have to get a pair of balls and do what you have to do.

 

You are wasting your life if you don't.

[BaileyB]

Why would you want to live with someone who is so miserable and combative?

 

You are wasting your life if you stay... Seriously.

[BettyDraper]

If your wife pushes away anyone who cares about her and refuses to take medication, then she doesn't need to be married because that's selfish behavior.

[whichwayisup]

The intervention will never work. My wife can't take any criticism in any way shape or form even if it is with good intentions. She's very combative and close minded. She's really close with her mother and used to go see her all the time with our son. However, since she's been sick she hasn't gone to visit her at all.

 

Her mother wants to spend time with our son but my wife is unwilling to leave the house. I brought up the depression thing yesterday and she just laughed it off.

 

A few months back her primary gave her Sertrailine to help with the depression and anxiety and she took it once and refused to take it again. I wish I could just honestly communicate with her but she makes it impossible. I think it might be time to just write the letter explaining everything that way she can't fight me about it.

 

You don't know 100 percent if it won't work. Maybe ALL of you together talk to her....yes, talk, not bombard her and make her feel like shyte, but be honest and say it in a kind loving and supportive way, that you all want her to be well again and you all see she's not well at all. not trying is giving up. You have nothing to lose! And who cares if she reacts badly, ever know someone who reacts happily and doesn't get upset during an intervention?

[wmacbride]

I can't speak for them, but it seems that the women are mostly dogging you about :

 

1) presenting your wife as a person you dislike and disrespect, yet expect to be available for your sexual use - even if she's sick.

 

2) sex being the most important aspect of your marriage.

 

Finding #1 unappealing to the point of appalling is not specific to women.

 

#2 is probably threatening; women wouldn't like to think that sex was the most important reason their husband was married to them. Better or worse, sickness and health, etc.

 

It's hard to be sympathetic at this point. You think she's a loser. You make yourself look bad by continuing to insist that she is wrong for not being sexual with you. You think poorly of her. Who wants to have sex with someone who looks down on them? Not me.

 

It's not about being a woman or a man.

 

When I read a thread like this,I always wonder what the real reason a woman doens't want to have sex with her husband is.

Is it really that she's sick ( and it could well be)or is there something more going on?

If it was something she enjoyed, she would want to be having sex with the op. She doesn't want sex, so it makes sense to question why.

 

Why does she not want it? What is she not getting out of it? If I had yo guess, I would say she's not feeling an emotional connection to her h , which is why sex isn't important to her. Why is she not feeling connected? If he can find that out, he might be able to do something about it- but I can say that if eh is approaching her with the attitude shown by some of the responses on her, there are an awful lot of women who would feel the same way.

 

right ow, her is painting her as some sort of frigid harpy, and he is seeing everything she does' says in that light. If she were asked, what would her opinion of the situation be? for all that people on here want to help, without hearing her side, there's likely little that anyone can realistically do to help the op.

[wmacbride]

It's so true. Because our needs are DIFFERENT our needs make us look like jerks. I've been an AMAZING DAD. I guarantee I do more than any husband that these women on here have. I get my son up every morning, fed, ready to school, on the bus. I pick him up from school, take him with me and usually put him to bed. This is 4 out of 5 days during the week. Our son is awesome and I love being with him.

 

I do a ton for my wife. I give her attention, affection, financial freedom, support, etc. I'm sorry if I want to go on a date with my wife more than every 2 years and to have sex with her more than twice in 8 months.

 

I'm sorry, but the first paragraph garners you little sympathy from most parents who do the same thing- which is most of them.

[wmacbride]

For what it's worth,I did a bit of research into lyme's disease a few years ago, and one of our children was suspected of having it.

 

The symptoms include depression, pain,exhaustion,apathy, meningitis, neurological problems,flu, inflammation, heart palpitations, hepatitis, bell's palsy, etc., etc., etc.

 

I expect that, given the op's focus on physical perfection, his W is feeling like crap. I'm not saying he's doing this on purpose,but it can happen.