BaileyB Posted November 10, 2016 Share Posted November 10, 2016 Take the sex out and our marriage still sucks. We haven't gone on a date in over 2 years. All she wants to do is watch TV and we are barely even roommates. I think the reality is that i just need to get the balls to leave and get it done. She knows I'm looking to get out. I can masturbate but shouldn't be forced to being married. You know it's bad when my employees asked me today what was going on with my wife and I. They said they notice we don't interact the same and she's NEVER around anymore. You really did answer your own question. I'm sorry that your wife is not well, but this seems to be less about the illness and more about your marriage. No doubt, she has Lyme disease, she is not doing well with her emotionally/mental health, and she has lost attraction/interest in the marriage. But, your issues are long standing and your marriage is very dysfunctional. How long are you going to wait for her to decide she wants to reinvest in the relationship - because it doesn't sound like she is motivated or interested to do it anytime soon... Link to post Share on other sites
aileD Posted November 10, 2016 Share Posted November 10, 2016 Was your relationship bad before the Lyme? Treatment for Lyme disease is worse than the disease. Do some research on that and cut her a little slack in that area 1 Link to post Share on other sites
VeveCakes Posted November 10, 2016 Share Posted November 10, 2016 What you do is suck it up and stay married and watch a lot of porn. This is the worst advice ever. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author What-2-Do Posted November 10, 2016 Author Share Posted November 10, 2016 Was your relationship bad before the Lyme? Treatment for Lyme disease is worse than the disease. Do some research on that and cut her a little slack in that area Our relationship has been terrible for the past 2 years. Way before she got sick. I know a lot about Lyme Disease and treatment and I'm well aware of it all. Link to post Share on other sites
summerdowling87 Posted November 10, 2016 Share Posted November 10, 2016 You said that you wife basically doesn't want to do anytime right? Could she be depressed about her diagnosis? Link to post Share on other sites
Author What-2-Do Posted November 10, 2016 Author Share Posted November 10, 2016 You said that you wife basically doesn't want to do anytime right? Could she be depressed about her diagnosis? I def. think she is suffering from depression but she is unwilling to do anything about it. You can't help someone that won't first help themselves. I going to talk to her tonight and just lay it all on the line. It can't be a one sided relationship and I can't continue to live like this. Link to post Share on other sites
Author What-2-Do Posted November 10, 2016 Author Share Posted November 10, 2016 I just texted her to ask if the yeast issue is completely gone and her response was: "My head kills feels like it weights 100lbs." Code-word for we are not having sex tonight. Link to post Share on other sites
BluesPower Posted November 10, 2016 Share Posted November 10, 2016 I disagree with some of the women in this thread. And no offense because you know I love you but I just have to disagree. If a wife withholds sex of any kind for a while, without talking about it or getting help with whatever the problem is, I just think that is a green light to go get it somewhere else or divorce. I would not withhold sex from my wife even if I did not feel like it. It is just not the thing to do. A marriage is not just about sex but it has to be a big part of it IMHO. I think OP needs to pull the plug if she will not deal with the issues that she has so they can have some type of normal sex life. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author What-2-Do Posted November 10, 2016 Author Share Posted November 10, 2016 I just wish this was easier. things used to be great and I'm still very attracted to her. She's a good kid and a great mother. We don't see eye to eye on everything but that's a good thing. I'm going to try talking to her tonight and see where that goes. There is clearly an underlying issue with why we have had ZERO intimacy in 7 months now besides her being sick. I remember back in the day her herniated disk would be acting up and she couldn't even stand up yet we would still have sex. I honestly think that because our sex life has been on the decline for the past 2 years that she's now using this as an excuse not to have to do anything. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Sand to Glass Posted November 10, 2016 Share Posted November 10, 2016 (edited) I just texted her to ask if the yeast issue is completely gone and her response was: "My head kills feels like it weights 100lbs." Code-word for we are not having sex tonight. How often is the sex issue brought up? It's good to communicate but like I said, always being reminded about your failings just makes it worse. Not that I think you're putting her down but she's learned these questions are code for asking for sex... which is already a struggle... which makes a depressed person feel worse... not exactly a road to recovery. It's not your fault and like you said you can't force her to get help. You can only control you. So, for you: little things like saying "what's wrong with you?" vs "what can I do to make you feel better?" do add up. I see a lot here on what she is doing wrong, a lot of frustration. I'm sure you're also focused on her getting better, but if it's always "can we have sex yet?" then it's not going to get better. She's going to need reminded she's loved and valued as a person before her libido returns (I know you do, but she's probably not even valuing herself right now. She needs reminded... a lot.) And if you can, fresh air, sunshine, and exercise help... take the kid(s) to the park or something. Too much TV and too little exercise IS shown to contribute to depression. Vegging out is a good sign of it too. This is going to be a long term investment and building of your "love bank", not a quick fix. Completely up to you if you want to stay or go. I do wish you both luck and love either way. Edited November 10, 2016 by Sand to Glass Typo + add 1 Link to post Share on other sites
kiyoma Posted November 10, 2016 Share Posted November 10, 2016 I remember back in the day her herniated disk would be acting up and she couldn't even stand up yet we would still have sex. I honestly think that because our sex life has been on the decline for the past 2 years that she's now using this as an excuse not to have to do anything. Have you thought that maybe she is cheating? 2 years seems a definite timeline combined with that its been sexless before she was diagnosed? Link to post Share on other sites
Author What-2-Do Posted November 10, 2016 Author Share Posted November 10, 2016 Have you thought that maybe she is cheating? 2 years seems a definite timeline combined with that its been sexless before she was diagnosed? I would say highly unlikely but anything is possible. No other signs point to that direction and if I'm not with her then she's with my son who would mark her out if she was going out with a guy. Plus, my brother recently went thru a divorce and he was seeing his gf before he was divorced. Actually, the gf is the reason for the divorce and my wife hates my brother for it and won't even talk to him Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted November 11, 2016 Share Posted November 11, 2016 Be honest with and either request a side arrangement or file for D. You don't have many other options apart from cheating or filling up to bursting point. Even though she's been diagnosed in the last 7 months, she could have been suffering before this which affected her libido. Link to post Share on other sites
Author What-2-Do Posted November 11, 2016 Author Share Posted November 11, 2016 We had a major blowout tonight so I'm moving out. I can't be a victim in this one sided marriage. She's the most selfish person I've ever met. She doesn't care about anyones needs except her own. Link to post Share on other sites
BluesPower Posted November 11, 2016 Share Posted November 11, 2016 Really sorry, so could you guys talk at all? Or did it just blow up from the start? Link to post Share on other sites
Author What-2-Do Posted November 11, 2016 Author Share Posted November 11, 2016 Really sorry, so could you guys talk at all? Or did it just blow up from the start? From the start. She basically feels that because she is sick that she doesn't have to do ANYTHING and that I'm a jerk for expecting her to do anything. She thinks I'm selfish for expecting anything while she is sick. At the end of the day it's prob. for the best. We are so incompatible and I'm so frustrated at this point I just don't think I could ever fix this. I totally resent her at this point. Link to post Share on other sites
aileD Posted November 11, 2016 Share Posted November 11, 2016 I def. think she is suffering from depression but she is unwilling to do anything about it. You can't help someone that won't first help themselves. I going to talk to her tonight and just lay it all on the line. It can't be a one sided relationship and I can't continue to live like this. This is the wrong way to deal with people who are truly depressed and it's the wrong mindset to have in regards to them. Maybe do some research on depression and see what your best approach is You deserve to be happy but also you promised to love in sickness and health and if she is truly depressed she may not be able to get herself out of it alone 3 Link to post Share on other sites
aileD Posted November 11, 2016 Share Posted November 11, 2016 Oh I just read the rest....sorry Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted November 11, 2016 Share Posted November 11, 2016 She doesn't care about anyones needs except her own. Isn't the same technically true for you? WebMD: Symptoms may include memory problems and pain and weakness in the arms and legs. In the third stage, symptoms may include swelling and pain (like arthritis) in the joints, not being able to control facial muscles, and numbness and tingling in the hands, feet, or back. I'm sure physically she feels poorly. In your sex-starved state, you're equally agitated. Who's situation is worse? And is that determination a valid measure of your marriage? I'd tell her you're going to hang in there until she gets better, can she provide some manual and/or oral incentive? In others words, acknowledge this is difficult for you too. And when her health is better, I'd try to reset your marriage. With your son involved, worth the effort... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted November 11, 2016 Share Posted November 11, 2016 If you have reached a point where you can no longer talk with your wife, and you have lost your ability to be kind and considerate of her needs, then you need to take a step back and take some time. Expressing your frustration in the way you have in your posts, will not get you what you want from your wife. Based on what you've shared, the issues are long standing and have likely been magnified by her illness. It will be difficult to work on these issues while she is unwell. She will have to decide if she wants to work on the marriage when she is feeling stronger. But in the meantime, your frustration will only continue to grow. So, maybe it's best to take a break from each other and decompress the situation. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted November 11, 2016 Share Posted November 11, 2016 It's all well and good saying to hang in there, but what I find is some people are inherently selfish and illness just makes them worse. They were never that giving in the first place. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted November 11, 2016 Share Posted November 11, 2016 From the start. She basically feels that because she is sick that she doesn't have to do ANYTHING and that I'm a jerk for expecting her to do anything. She thinks I'm selfish for expecting anything while she is sick. At the end of the day it's prob. for the best. We are so incompatible and I'm so frustrated at this point I just don't think I could ever fix this. I totally resent her at this point. This goes way deeper than her current illness and is primarily a relationship issue. There are people on their death beds from cancer and they are still loving and caring for their spouses and still want to be with them. This is a whole other animal. "in sickness and in health" is based on the presumption of sincerity that the ill partner is still loving and caring towards their spouse and that they are making a good faith effort to be as good and as functional a partner as they can be despite the illness and also on the presumption that they are doing everything in their power to recover and restore their health and vitality. "In sickness and in health" does not make one an indentured servant for someone who uses their illness as an entitlement for services while doing nothing for the caretaker in return and who does nothing to try to treat their condition and try to improve. Those things are clearly not taking place here and have not been since long before the current illness. There are people on ventilators and tubes coming out every orifice that still want to have intimacy with their partners and that would give anything to have a normal and vigorous sexlife again. She is grabbing at straws to find reasons NOT to have intimacy with you. I think it is OK for you to abide by her wishes and no longer pursue any form of intimacy, romance or sexuality with her again. That is clearly her wish so I think it is OK for you to honor her wishes. Whether you remain in the home and live a life of celibacy or whether you move on and seek love and intimacy elsewhere is your prerogative. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Soxfaninfl Posted November 11, 2016 Share Posted November 11, 2016 I can't go another week without some sexual contact. I understand what your going through. I went a whole year with out sex due to my wife's depression issues. We had sex in June once and nothing since due to my wife's depression. I really know how you feel. It's so frustrating!!! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author What-2-Do Posted November 11, 2016 Author Share Posted November 11, 2016 This goes way deeper than her current illness and is primarily a relationship issue. There are people on their death beds from cancer and they are still loving and caring for their spouses and still want to be with them. This is a whole other animal. "in sickness and in health" is based on the presumption of sincerity that the ill partner is still loving and caring towards their spouse and that they are making a good faith effort to be as good and as functional a partner as they can be despite the illness and also on the presumption that they are doing everything in their power to recover and restore their health and vitality. "In sickness and in health" does not make one an indentured servant for someone who uses their illness as an entitlement for services while doing nothing for the caretaker in return and who does nothing to try to treat their condition and try to improve. Those things are clearly not taking place here and have not been since long before the current illness. There are people on ventilators and tubes coming out every orifice that still want to have intimacy with their partners and that would give anything to have a normal and vigorous sexlife again. She is grabbing at straws to find reasons NOT to have intimacy with you. I think it is OK for you to abide by her wishes and no longer pursue any form of intimacy, romance or sexuality with her again. That is clearly her wish so I think it is OK for you to honor her wishes. Whether you remain in the home and live a life of celibacy or whether you move on and seek love and intimacy elsewhere is your prerogative. Very well said... I completely agree with this. I tried saying the same last night and she is basically saying she's incapable of having sex or doing anything at this time. I told her there are people way worse off than she is and they still have regular sex and intimacy. She is basically saying it's impossible for her to do anything until she is fully cured. We haven't spoken at all today besides a few texts where she needs me to take care of something. I need to decide if I move out to my fathers house for a few weeks until I can find a townhouse to rent or if I just move downstairs in our spare bedroom until I can secure something. We spoke regarding divorce and we would just do an uncontested divorce. She can keep all the furniture etc and I will simply start over. I'm not looking for anything financially from her but not sure how child support would work esp where she makes really good money. Link to post Share on other sites
aileD Posted November 11, 2016 Share Posted November 11, 2016 There are many child support calculators out there. It's not based on her income it's based on yours because you'd be the one leaving. Link to post Share on other sites
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