How to deal with Sexless Marriage? Wife is sick

[What-2-Do]

I don't understand any of this to be totally honest. This morning we talk and she's all flirting with me. As for the sex stuff I would be totally happy just being able to touch her without her even reciprocating. Or, even just her being topless and we cuddle. I don't know why this is so difficult?

 

If I could take a step back and look at the relationship without any emotion I would leave. Now, sprinkle in the emotion and feelings and it's so difficult. I know things could be great again but it will take a lot of time.

 

I started talking to some other women and I just hate the drama of dating. I'm afraid that if I leave I will always regret leaving and I'm afraid if I stay I will always regret staying. It seems I wake up and I'm ready to leave, then I want to stay by noon, by 3pm I'm ready to move out, 5pm I want her back....

[oldshirt]

I don't understand any of this to be totally honest. This morning we talk and she's all flirting with me. As for the sex stuff I would be totally happy just being able to touch her without her even reciprocating. Or, even just her being topless and we cuddle. I don't know why this is so difficult?

 

If I could take a step back and look at the relationship without any emotion I would leave. Now, sprinkle in the emotion and feelings and it's so difficult. I know things could be great again but it will take a lot of time.

 

I started talking to some other women and I just hate the drama of dating. I'm afraid that if I leave I will always regret leaving and I'm afraid if I stay I will always regret staying. It seems I wake up and I'm ready to leave, then I want to stay by noon, by 3pm I'm ready to move out, 5pm I want her back....

 

People stay when the fear of the unknown and the work and expense of leaving outweigh the pain of staying.

 

People leave when the pain of staying outweighs the fear, work and expense of staying.

[Popsicle]

I don't understand any of this to be totally honest. This morning we talk and she's all flirting with me. As for the sex stuff I would be totally happy just being able to touch her without her even reciprocating. Or, even just her being topless and we cuddle. I don't know why this is so difficult?

 

If I could take a step back and look at the relationship without any emotion I would leave. Now, sprinkle in the emotion and feelings and it's so difficult. I know things could be great again but it will take a lot of time.

 

I started talking to some other women and I just hate the drama of dating. I'm afraid that if I leave I will always regret leaving and I'm afraid if I stay I will always regret staying. It seems I wake up and I'm ready to leave, then I want to stay by noon, by 3pm I'm ready to move out, 5pm I want her back....

 

This post reminded me that there is a book called "Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay". I have not read it but you might want to check it out.

[What-2-Do]

I think I feel that if I leave I need to have done everything within my power and sanity to make this work. I do love her and always will no matter what happens.

 

She's been super flirty all day and hugging me etc. She knows I created a Match.com profile and I'm not sure if she know realizes this is serious. (I did delete the account BTW) Or, if after our talk last night and today she knows I really do still care and that I do still love her and maybe she feels the same.

[dreamingoftigers]

I think I feel that if I leave I need to have done everything within my power and sanity to make this work. I do love her and always will no matter what happens.

 

She's been super flirty all day and hugging me etc. She knows I created a Match.com profile and I'm not sure if she know realizes this is serious. (I did delete the account BTW) Or, if after our talk last night and today she knows I really do still care and that I do still love her and maybe she feels the same.

 

OK, wtf?

 

End your primary relationship already.

 

I understand the desire to step out, I really really do.

 

But I think it makes a total mess of things for everyone.

 

Who knows what kind of crazy or clingy you are going to attract. If they know you are married, then what super-sane person dives on that? And if they don't know you are married, then you would be out of line for using them and lying to them.

Edited November 13, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
rude ~T

[NuevoYorko]

Wow. I can really feel your frustration and I get it, but the constant pressure about sex is completely anti-sexy and it would never work even if she succumbed to it. You sound like you're done and you have a lot of complaints about her and your marriage in general. That's fair, but if it's the case then you owe it to both of you to end it.

[summerdowling87]

What 2 do.

 

I feel for you.

 

I was in a situation like you but it was with my ex-bf of fiver years. But he wasn't sick. I tried a lot to talk to him to be sweet to be nice to be kind to him. After 2yrs of all the talking I did and the minimal change he would make then go back. I got tired of it.

 

I broke up with him found someone else months later than all of a sudden he wanted to "change" I was like well to late.

[What-2-Do]

So, today was a very unusual day. We didn't fight or argue at all and we had great conversation. She was very flirty and we didn't discuss any of the negatives of our relationship. We talked about a lot of the great times we had over the years.

 

She didn't want me sleeping downstairs so she wanted me to come up. We were watching TV and joking and having a great connection. We ended up having sex and seem to be somewhat connected. Not sure what this means but afterwards she was really in a much better mood.

 

We didn't discuss what was going to happen after tonight but it was def. nice to reconnect with her even if it was just for a day.

[BluesPower]

If she is getting the picture then that is great.

 

I hope that she is doing it out of desire and not fear that you are leaving.

 

One is great, the other is a bad deal.

 

I understand love for a woman but I also understand needs.

 

When my wife was just so bad with her addiction the we did not have sex, that was just a deal breaker for me. I just will not tolerate that in a relationship. At the same time I made some really bad decisions about how to handle it.

 

I hope your talks have made some difference for the long run and she is not just handing out bread crumbs.

 

Good luck...

[Just a Guy]

Hi What 2 do, guess you should be feeling happy the fog engulfing your wife is lifting. As they say " Thank God for little mercies". You don't have yo analyse the what and why of your wife's attitude change. Just enjoy the benefits and keep doing everything to encourage her to keep the good work up.

 

Hope for your sake theiracle continues to repeat it self till it becomes routine! Warm wishes.

[What-2-Do]

I think what's best about last night is that it was spontaneous. The past 2 years sex was something we had to literally schedule. Last night wasn't planned and just happened.

 

I will say that yesterday as a total was a great day. Like I said, who knows what happens from here but maybe we can really start working on fixing us. Baby steps and one day at a time.

[Got it]

Child support isn't about the joint income. It's what the non resident parent has to contribute to maintain their child or children.

 

Spousal support is a different issue though. If she is the higher earner, she may have to pay to spousal support once your divorced.

 

It is also determined by custody. If they have joint and make similar amounts than no child support is mandated.

 

It also varies by state and each state has it set up a little differently.

 

http://www.alllaw.com/calculators/childsupport

[Got it]

I don't understand any of this to be totally honest. This morning we talk and she's all flirting with me. As for the sex stuff I would be totally happy just being able to touch her without her even reciprocating. Or, even just her being topless and we cuddle. I don't know why this is so difficult?

 

If I could take a step back and look at the relationship without any emotion I would leave. Now, sprinkle in the emotion and feelings and it's so difficult. I know things could be great again but it will take a lot of time.

 

I started talking to some other women and I just hate the drama of dating. I'm afraid that if I leave I will always regret leaving and I'm afraid if I stay I will always regret staying. It seems I wake up and I'm ready to leave, then I want to stay by noon, by 3pm I'm ready to move out, 5pm I want her back....

 

I think you should stop saying the issue is that she won't have sex, per say, and the core issue is she is not able or willing to be a partner with you and to meet you half way. Your needs and care are not being taken into account and so there is no ability to move things forward.

 

Focusing on sex, just on sex, is a mistake. She can throw you a bone, you then would be sated for a short time and then rinse and repeat. And do you want to be thrown a bone? Or do you want to matter? Do you want to be prioritized and valued? That, to me, would be the bigger issues and won't be wiped away because of one pity romp.

[BluesPower]

Got_IT - I don't know if we should be that pessimistic...

 

You make some really valid points though.

 

I would like to think that OP and wife's talks made some type of difference. I am hoping that she is not throwing him a bone because that would suck.

 

Is it possible that she may realize that she has been out of line, sick or not?

 

But about having your needs met, boy do I understand that one. It seems like that happens little by little and one day you realize that you are being used in the relationship and meeting all of her needs and none of your are being met.

 

For me, when that happened, once I had a moment of clarity, I was just p***** off to the extreme. I am still not over it and I am not sure that I ever will be.

 

The odd thing is that, now she is bending over backwards to meet every possible need that I have, and lately I am not sure if I really care. It that not weird?

 

OP, I am hoping that you guys are on a new road. I am going to hope for it until you tell us otherwise.

 

Keep posting...

[BaileyB]

Perhaps she now understands that there is a problem, and she has decided to reinvest in your marriage...

 

But, I warn you... this happened in my family. He would announce that he was leaving the marriage, she would quite suddently improve her behavior because she was afraid he would leave, but it would never last. It became an emotional roller coaster until eventually, he had enough and left the marriage. It really was for the best, it had been years and years of unhappiness.

 

Before making the decision to leave, you must feel like you have tried everything and given the marriage every opportunity. Time will tell if she plans to reinvest in the marriage. And, I would think that the bigger issues will have to be discussed and dealt with at some point.

 

Best wishes.

[What-2-Do]

UPDATE: So, because of all this stress over the past few years as I stated before I started seeking Marriage counseling and eventually a shrink. I stopped seeing the shrink regularly because he felt I didn't need to because things were going so much better. I started taking Sertraline at a VERY low dosage about a year or so ago and it totally helped.

 

Today I had my 6 month follow up and a lot came to light. The amount of stress I've been under lately with the buildout of my business, my wife being sick, financial issues because of the buildout, a shoulder injury, among other things he said no wonder things were falling apart.

 

I mentioned to him that I could be happy for a week or so with her and then start a fight and be super resentful. He said this has mostly been happening because of my anxiety and the stress levels I've been under most people couldn't deal with. He ended up increasing my meds and seeing how things improve over the next 2 months. He said to try focusing on being there for my wife and lowering the expectations and seeing if/how things improve.

 

He mentioned that we're both equally stressed beyond normal stress levels and until we can both control that it will be difficult to have a normal bonding relationship.

 

Maybe things are slowly falling into place and we can go back to being happy again. If we can focus on getting her healthy again and figuring out where we are going to come up with an extra $100,000 for the buildout things will improve.

[BaileyB]

In other words, your counsellor is telling you not to rush to judgment and not to make any major life decisions during a time of significant stress in your lives.

 

Very wise advice. In time, the answer will be revealed to you. I hope it works out for you.

[Got it]

Got_IT - I don't know if we should be that pessimistic...

 

You make some really valid points though.

 

I would like to think that OP and wife's talks made some type of difference. I am hoping that she is not throwing him a bone because that would suck.

 

Is it possible that she may realize that she has been out of line, sick or not?

 

But about having your needs met, boy do I understand that one. It seems like that happens little by little and one day you realize that you are being used in the relationship and meeting all of her needs and none of your are being met.

 

For me, when that happened, once I had a moment of clarity, I was just p***** off to the extreme. I am still not over it and I am not sure that I ever will be.

 

The odd thing is that, now she is bending over backwards to meet every possible need that I have, and lately I am not sure if I really care. It that not weird?

 

OP, I am hoping that you guys are on a new road. I am going to hope for it until you tell us otherwise.

 

Keep posting...

 

Not being pessimistic, just realistic. And actually wrote that prior to reading there was a (pity) romp.

 

I am writing from my own experience as a woman. It is more than just not getting sex. It is about not getting your needs met, that what makes you happy means anything, that the other person is interested in listening and and then doing what makes you feel love. That is what fills one's love bank and when the other party outright refuses to do so, to me, it is saying more than I can't/won't, it is saying I care so little that I am not interested in even discussing what you want.

 

Basically it is a big "suck it up buttercup, go pound sand". Right now they are in a tug of war. Neither will win. One of them just needs to drop the rope.

[BluesPower]

Got it - Solid points for sure and I am going to agree with that.

 

I still, probably just me projecting, want to be optimistic that the wife in this case may be getting the message.

 

I guess we will know over time where she is. Because I have to agree that if she really does not want to meet all of his needs then he needs to go IMHO.

 

I have been there and I will never go there again, and I hope OP does not have to either.

 

Good post...

[Got it]

To me, the biggest red flag on this not being long lived is the lack of cooperation on therapy. That happened in my first marriage and issues were never resolved. They were just pushed aside until it couldn't be done any longer. I am a big advocate of therapy so I have made it a requirement in my second marriage. Both parties investing in the relationship, discussing the issues, working every day to meet in the middle, failing and coming back around the next day, investing the energy. All of those are black and white requirements for me now. I cannot be with someone that refuses to do anything and think that the marriage will survive and I will not live again in a marriage/relationship where I feel utterly alone.

 

So obviously all a big trigger for me.

[lucy_in_disguise]

The additional info you provided is IMO relevant here as well. it sounds like there is more financial stress in your marriage than you previously indicated. Coupled with your wife's illness, it is not surprising that you are not connecting right now. I agree with your therapist to put the divorce discussions on hold until you get to a more stable spot. I also agree that the focus should not be on sex, but other forms of intimacy and her ability to meet your needs. Presenting it to her as a sex issue is only going to add more damage, whether you like it or not. Women don't like to be asked for sex, and focusing on it while she is ill is not doubt adding to her resentment.

[What-2-Do]

Still no fighting or arguing or disagreeing. Things seem quite normal at the moment. I know it's only been a few days but it's a few days longer than we've gone in a long time. Maybe this last blowout and all the talking we've done has opened both our eyes? I'm hopeful that we can work this out but only time will tell.

[dreamingoftigers]

Still no fighting or arguing or disagreeing. Things seem quite normal at the moment. I know it's only been a few days but it's a few days longer than we've gone in a long time. Maybe this last blowout and all the talking we've done has opened both our eyes? I'm hopeful that we can work this out but only time will tell.

 

So, now you are trying to slowly re-invest in your marriage after advertising to other women?

 

See how that works.

 

If you don't firmly END one relationship ship before starting or trying for another, (or even just sexual encounters) it makes you a cheater.

[ShatteredLady]

The problem with things like Lyme is you can be suffering from the 'minor' symptoms, body aches, severe fatigue & related depression for a VERY long time before you get a diagnosis & treatment starts.

 

Lyme & severe fibromyalgia are frequently confused by doctors because of very similar symptoms. It's AWFUL! For me, the medications like Lyrica, Gabapentin & Savella are even worse that the illness.

 

Now, with crippling pain & exhaustion is NOT the time to be complaining about lack of sex!!

 

I'm one of those women who feels regection from my husband. I know how it hurts. It's frustrating & so very damaging to selfesteem...that fast becomes resentment!

 

I have several severe health issues including a degenerative spine & cancer. For a short while my H would massage my back (WONDERFUL & bonding). I needed that physical contact, not only to soothe my pain but to feel a physical bond. ONCE in 25 years I rejected my H for sex. He had become arroused massaging me so he decided that he would NEVER stroke or massage me again!!

 

Are you like that?!? Do you still hold, massage (aromatherapy or prescription creams) to help your wife? Often in these situations people reject the sick partner in these ways & then get surprised that the intimacy declines!

 

I don't know how bad your relationship was before illness. From supporting chronic pain patients for the last decade I'm sadly aware that the vast majority of marriages (particularly if the woman is the chronic pain sufferer) that involve severe illness end in divorce.

 

You're at the 'prime' age for this kind of caregiver 'surrender'. Midlife crisis, rewriting marital history etc when combined with a chronically sick wife = divorce most of the time.

 

You can be just another statistic or remember all the years of great marriage, support your W until she has healed & then see if you can 'get it back'. It's up to you. Looking for an affair partner at this time is the worst idea ever!! You will forever be the bad guy.

[What-2-Do]

So, now you are trying to slowly re-invest in your marriage after advertising to other women?

 

See how that works.

 

If you don't firmly END one relationship ship before starting or trying for another, (or even just sexual encounters) it makes you a cheater.

 

I never cheated on my wife. The only relationship I'm in is the one with my wife.