How to deal with Sexless Marriage? Wife is sick

[What-2-Do]

I just sent my wife a message and said "hey, let's have some fun tonight." Her response "I would but I'm not feeling good." OF COURSE NOT!!!!

 

I'm done. Filing the divorce papers on Monday. I'm not dealing with this any longer.

[Mz. Pixie]

I just sent my wife a message and said "hey, let's have some fun tonight." Her response "I would but I'm not feeling good." OF COURSE NOT!!!!

 

I'm done. Filing the divorce papers on Monday. I'm not dealing with this any longer.

 

And why would you even ask at this point?

[What-2-Do]

And why would you even ask at this point?

 

I already knew what the answer would be.

[Mz. Pixie]

I already knew what the answer would be.

 

To divorce over sex is a big deal, but what I would divorce over is her unwillingness to be an actual full partner to me by not attending counseling.

 

It's almost like she's just saying "This is how it's going to be and there is nothing you can do about it" Nope. Nada.

[BluesPower]

Good for you...

 

I was hoping that you would finally get here.

 

You should move full speed ahead with a divorce.

 

If, and I mean if, she tries to say she will change and she will be a better wife, make her prove it while the divorce gets processed. If need be, you can put that stuff off for a while.

 

I don't think you will need to, but you will have that option.

[BettyDraper]

Lyme can be very difficult to diagnose. When dealing with her primary doctor she wouldn't diagnose her with it because she only had 3 bands of a test and the CDC says it needs to be 5. She wouldn't prescribe anything to combat the symptoms etc. We sought out a Lyme Specialist that treats the symptoms and the test results. She's been on an aggressive treatment now for several months. The Dr. is outside of our insurance so it's not covered.

 

I agree with you with you regarding my emotional needs. I'm attracted to attractive women and I always have and always will. There are qualities that I like about them and it's a deal breaker if she's unwilling to accommodate. My wife knew this before we were ever married and things were great then and for the first several years. Then, they started slowly dropping off until she no longer did any of them.

 

As much as I want to try and fix my marriage I'm really not sure it is even worth fixing at this point.

 

Everyone enjoys attractive people. This doesn't make you some cruel degenerate. Spouses should try to look great for themselves and each other. The refusal to even try to look nice is disrespectful. You are not asking for too much if you want your wife to look decent.

 

Your wife's slovenly appearance isn't your main issue with her though. It's her selfish laziness and daily pity party that she throws for herself. No wonder you filed for divorce!

[What-2-Do]

So, Thanksgiving day: She mostly complained all morning before going but eventually ended up going to my dads house. She was even talking to my brothers g/f and although she didn't say anything I know she likes her. She would never admit it though.

 

Then, right before dinner was being served she wasn't feeling good so she didn't eat. She ended up complaining how terrible she felt so we quickly left and came home. I know for a fact that she was truly feeling like crap this time around so I wasn't upset. We came home and she slept for 16 hours.

 

Today she is feeling better and tomorrow we are going to put up the X-Mas tree. Still thinking of filing on Monday though. We'll see how the weekend goes but I don't have high hopes.

[BluesPower]

You need to get used to the idea that things are not going to change. No matter how great the Xmas lights go, if something does not change with you wife's attitude in general, the is no hope for happiness.

 

You really have to stop being so wishy-washy about all of this.

 

Her being served with divorce papers is about the only thing that might wake her up. And, I say MIGHT, because I think she is just so deep inside herself that nothing you do will pull her out and give your marriage hope.

 

File for divorce and don't waver unless she really shows long term improvement in her attitude and willingness to have a happy marriage and meet your needs as your wife.

[Mz. Pixie]

Have you told her you want to file for divorce?

 

You have a right to want to be sexually fulfilled however I think the sex issue has rolled into a bigger deal than it started being.

 

Take that off the table-are you otherwise satisfied?

[Noirek]

Everyone still keeps going on about the wife waking up when she gets served when

 

1. She barely leaves the house

2. Doesn't clean the house

3. Doesn't shower

4. Fakes sick

5. Skips parties for her kid and has him in tears

6. Doesn't take her own chils to appointments

7. Does not make herself look atteactive in any way

8. Spurns all affection from her husband most of the time

9. Has only been called a good mom but never really had example giving of her being in anyway a decent human being

 

And yet the OP is still harassing her, while she is "sick" about sex. He has a list a mile long on why this marriage is over including the sex. The son should be near the top. And yet he keeps coming back to the sex. And it makes you wonder if that is why she threw him that bone. Because as long as she puts out a little he'll apparently put up with a lot. I think perhaps it is time for the OP to wake up.

[What-2-Do]

We had a long talk today about what she wants and what I want and we want as a family.

 

I think we all in the end just want the same things. She was saying how she's just so nervous that she won't recover from her illness and it's all she can really think about. It's made her certainly depressed and she sees that. She doesn't think she's suffering from depression just dealing with this while being sick.

 

She has an appointment on Friday with her Lyme specialist. I'm going to go with her and I'm going to bring up the depression issue and see what he says.

 

I can certainly see her frustration and how being tired and exhausted all the time is so difficult for her. At her last appointment her doctor said he was going to switch up her medications so hopefully we can get rid of this.

 

Tonight she also offered up a bj. She did herself up and wanted nothing in return. She said we can have more fun this weekend if she's still feeling well. I guess it's hit or miss with her and I'm hoping I can convince her to go to counseling.

[Noirek]

And my post stands...

[LargoLagg]

We had a long talk today about what she wants and what I want and we want as a family...Tonight she also offered up a bj.

It's certainly a nice way to go out.

[Mz. Pixie]

You think you're both near the end?

 

Have you said "honey I'm not willing to live this way for the rest of my life and I'm thinking of filing for divorce?"

 

I think you think she knows you're done but I'm not sure if you're not being direct.

 

Conflict avoiding will not save your marriage.

[S2B]

When you talked - did you tell her that you're considering divorcing her?

[What-2-Do]

When you talked - did you tell her that you're considering divorcing her?

 

She knows I'm ready to file for divorce. She knows all the paperwork is ready to be filed. She gets frustrated because things will be good for a week or two and then we start fighting again. It's the same pattern over and over. Things get better for a week or so and then fall back to how they were. Right now things are good but who knows how long it will last.

 

I don't want to be divorced yet I don't want to live like this either. if she could get better then we could totally focus on us again but I do know she's beyond frustrated with this illness.

 

I wonder how things would be if she wasn't sick. Would we still be having the same issues?

[Noirek]

She knows I'm ready to file for divorce. She knows all the paperwork is ready to be filed. She gets frustrated because things will be good for a week or two and then we start fighting again. It's the same pattern over and over. Things get better for a week or so and then fall back to how they were. Right now things are good but who knows how long it will last.

 

I don't want to be divorced yet I don't want to live like this either. if she could get better then we could totally focus on us again but I do know she's beyond frustrated with this illness.

 

I wonder how things would be if she wasn't sick. Would we still be having the same issues?

 

Well according to you this has been going on for 2+ years so... my guess is yes. I just think you picked a crappy time to demand sex and change. Also, your priorities are skewed. Also, you don't seem like someone who ever acknowledges their own mistakes as it has been all about her failures in the marriages.

[BettyDraper]

Go through with the divorce filing. Your wife only pretends to improve when she knows you're about to walk away and then she just falls into the same selfish habits when your wife knows she has placated you. Be firm and stick to your plan.

 

This isn't even about sex anymore. It's about your wife's extremely self centered attitude, her poor parenting and her convenient illness which seems to pop up whenever your wife doesn't want to get off her ass. I understand that your wife is has a diagnosis but she always has a headache or some other problem whenever she needs to be responsible.

 

Your constant flip flopping is not helpful to you or your wife.

[Mz. Pixie]

Go through with the divorce filing. Your wife only pretends to improve when she knows you're about to walk away and then she just falls into the same selfish habits when your wife knows she has placated you. Be firm and stick to your plan.

 

This isn't even about sex anymore. It's about your wife's extremely self centered attitude, her poor parenting and her convenient illness which seems to pop up whenever your wife doesn't want to get off her ass. I understand that your wife is has a diagnosis but she always has a headache or some other problem whenever she needs to be responsible.

 

Your constant flip flopping is not helpful to you or your wife.

 

Agreed. Also your willingness to abandon filing for divorce when she drops a little sex on you makes you seem like you're only thinking of yourself.

 

What about how this affects your children?

[What-2-Do]

 

Your constant flip flopping is not helpful to you or your wife.

 

Believe me I know. It's such a difficult life changing decision to make.

[BettyDraper]

Believe me I know. It's such a difficult life changing decision to make.

 

I realize that and you have my sympathies.

 

However, you have said more than once that you are leaving your wife so it's time to bite the bullet.

 

If you can't do it for yourself, then think of how your son is affected by an apathetic mother.

[S2B]

I do think she is affecting your son in a negative way by not allowing him to have the desire to participate in simple pleasures. By making him feel badly about wanting to do social things and having her tell him she won't take him.

 

Most Mothers want to go to ANY extent to make their kids feel safe and to give them opportunities for happiness. Not your wife.

 

I suggest divorcing her. Also request full custody so you can be sure your child has basic needs and social opportunities met.

 

She wants to hide away? She can do that all on her own.

 

You can begin to live again - like a regular guy without having her telling you she's too tired to help the child during the night and too tired to have brought in the mail during the day.

 

Go ahead - file. See if she suddenly "improves". Just because you file doesn't mean you're instantly divorced - you'll have plenty of time to see IF things improve or if things remain the same after she is served.

[whichwayisup]

So, my marriage has been rocky for the past 2 years. Haven't been on a date with my wife in over 2 years now and our sex life has been on a major decline during this time.

 

7 months ago my wife got Lyme Disease and basically I haven't had sex for the past 7 months and I'm going insane. My wife is capable of having sex or doing other things but completely refuses to do so because everything has been about her. I understand she doesn't feel good and I've become nothing more than a caretaker and roommate to her. If our marriage wasn't in decline for the past 2 years it wouldn't be as big an issue but I'm starting to lose my mind.

 

I messaged her today that I'm going to explode and she just didn't care. Everything is always about her and it's more or less been a 1 sided marriage. how do I cope with being sexless and basically feeling lifeless any longer?

 

this disease causes other issues other than the pain, it can lead to depression and too.

 

You two need to go to counseling. To bail on your wife because she isn't being intimate with you isn't a good enough reason to divorce.

 

What have you done to make her feel better? Supporting her through this disease? All of this can't be her fault, and of course she didn't ask for it to happen, it just did.

 

If you were ill and your spouse wasn't too happy, how would you feel if she wanted to just up and divorce you? Life and marriage is NOT easy at times, shi.t gets thrown unexpectedly - Do you love your wife? Are you capable of putting her needs first and getting her ALL the help she needs? Or do you just wanna bail out because you're not happy at the moment. ?

[BluesPower]

I am not sure that you have the full picture on OP actual situation. There is a lot of detail that came after the initial post.

 

As it stands, so far, wife has not done anything to help with her depression, even after is was encouraged. She may talk to doctor about something to help with that.

 

Besides lack of intimacy, which is totally a reason to divorce IMHO, she seems to be neglectful of everyone in her life except her job. And had gone as far as some shameful neglect of her children.

 

Basically, she just seems totally lazy in every respect. While she does have a difficult disease to deal with, she is getting treatment and will be better eventually. She is not so sick that she can't go to work, but she is too sick to take her child to the doctor, get off the couch, or have any type of regular sex with her husband.

 

In general she seems to have checked out of life, probably because of deep depression that so far she has refused to get treatment for.

 

If things don't change ASAP, OP is totally justified in divorcing her for a general bad attitude toward everyone in the world except herself.

[What-2-Do]

She said her yeast infection is back. Last time she took Doxy it caused her major issues with skin blisters so she's clearly not going to take that again. Her doctors appointment is on Friday and I'm going with her. She takes something everyday to keep yeast in control but it keeps spiking back up.

 

I know it's a long road. My concern is leaving her while she is still sick because I will be painted as a total loser. I think that I need to deal with her illness until she is better which is hopefully soon and then make a decision on what to do after she is better.

 

I say this now but in a week or even a few days I will prob. change my mind. haha