How to deal with Sexless Marriage? Wife is sick

[seren]

As someone who developed a chronic illness and disability and lives a life not able to work, at home each day after having a high flying job, I will say that she is just 7 months into being 'sick'. Just trying to get through each moment can be a struggle, not feeling like the person you were is hard to accept, to adjust to and to try and get by each day is hard. feeling tainted by illness or disease has a person try to reconcile who they were with who they are. It is damned hard. The yeast infections with Lyme are brutal, anti depressants can lessen a person's sex drive, just getting up and going into work can be as hard as running a couple of marathons each day. Sex is the last thing on a person's mind, how to feel desirable when you have an illness, feel like crap, have no energy and are depressed.

 

7 months is such a short time, I am 15 years on from my diagnosis and I thank God for my husband, he has impotence problems due to a urinary problem, but, he is more than that. If, I thought for one moment that he couldn't stick around while I got my head together, if he thought I couldn't still love and want him despite impotency, if I just saw our love and relationship as hinging on sex, then I would pack for him and for myself. Love, marriage should all be about wanting what is best for the other, if there are times when the other has problems, they become both your problems, you can have intimacy without sex, show love without making it. if sex is so important you feel without it you need to leave, then maybe it is a lack of love rather than sex that is the problem.

 

We all imagine how we would deal with things until we have things happen to us, then we realise we are much the same as everyone else. being disabled, having an illness is hard to get your head around, the transition from I was this then, now I am this, is so, so hard to process. Lyme is so very debilitating, is little understood and has all sorts of symptoms and long term consequences, she must be scared to death at her future. If you cannot stay around while she finds the right treatment or be prepared for a change, then maybe you both need a frank discussion about the future. I'll bet she feels so bad about her being bit by that tick, even though she didn't ask for it. Just be glad it wasn't you or she might be the one looking for sex outside marriage. I hope you find a solution for both your sakes.

[Hopeful714]

You've picked on and said so many horrible things about you sick wife in this thread and yet you are still whining about not getting laid. it seems like that's all you care about.

Edited December 2, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed rude remark

[whichwayisup]

I'm having a really difficult time today dealing with this. The lack of sex is really getting to me this week. I'm starting to lose my mind. Now, she thinks she has strep throat. We have her doctors appointment tomorrow morning so who knows how that will go.

 

As much as I want to stay I just don't know how much longer I can live a sexless life. It's simply way too important to me and it's something I think about throughout the day.

 

Let me ask and please be honest. If your wife had cancer and was unable to have sex, would you still be going on and on about how unhappy you are about not having a sex life? If you truly feel that you can't live like this anymore, then divorce your wife. It's only solution.

 

Or, you suck it up, change your priorities, stop focusing so much on getting sex and put HER first and help her with her health issues and struggles. Sex life in a marriage has ebbs and flows, times when life is hard and stuff happens, stresses and illness, sex takes the back burner at times.

[Caysey110504]

So, my marriage has been rocky for the past 2 years. Haven't been on a date with my wife in over 2 years now and our sex life has been on a major decline during this time.

 

7 months ago my wife got Lyme Disease and basically I haven't had sex for the past 7 months and I'm going insane. My wife is capable of having sex or doing other things but completely refuses to do so because everything has been about her. I understand she doesn't feel good and I've become nothing more than a caretaker and roommate to her. If our marriage wasn't in decline for the past 2 years it wouldn't be as big an issue but I'm starting to lose my mind.

 

I messaged her today that I'm going to explode and she just didn't care. Everything is always about her and it's more or less been a 1 sided marriage. how do I cope with being sexless and basically feeling lifeless any longer?

seduce her

be very sexual with her

walk around the house naked

dont ask, make her want you...

masturbate loudly frequently

do so for 6 months...

 

if she resists:

 

a) tell her you will be back once she gets better, after 6 months

 

or

 

b) stay with her, while she is sick and till she gets better, do what you have to do in secret, if you have to be sexual with a sick person and you cant wait till she is better to have sex with her

[whichwayisup]

seduce her

be very sexual with her

walk around the house naked

dont ask, make her want you...

masturbate loudly frequently

do so for 6 months...

 

if she resists:

 

a) tell her you will be back once she gets better, after 6 months

 

or

 

b) stay with her, while she is sick and till she gets better, do what you have to do in secret, if you have to be sexual with a sick person and you cant wait till she is better to have sex with her

 

Doing part A is wrong seeing as his wife is NOT well. Seeing him wander nude and flirty, wanting sex is only going to put her off and be grossed out if he is jerking off loudly.

 

What he can and should do is, romance her. Bring her flowers, have intimate moments, cuddling and hand holding, have a bath together and give a massage - Put the act of physical sex out of his head. Though doubtful he can do that since this whole thread is about how he is suffering without sex.

[What-2-Do]

Let me ask and please be honest. If your wife had cancer and was unable to have sex, would you still be going on and on about how unhappy you are about not having a sex life? If you truly feel that you can't live like this anymore, then divorce your wife. It's only solution.

 

Or, you suck it up, change your priorities, stop focusing so much on getting sex and put HER first and help her with her health issues and struggles. Sex life in a marriage has ebbs and flows, times when life is hard and stuff happens, stresses and illness, sex takes the back burner at times.

 

If she COULDN'T have sex it would be a completely different story. She CAN have sex but she is using this as an excuse. We had her follow up appointment today and I asked him about sex and he said there is no reason she shouldn't be having sex.

[What-2-Do]

Today we had her follow up appointment with her Lyme Specialist. He is super happy with her progress. He took her off the meds for her co-infection which is great. He was really happy that most of her symptoms are gone. He's going to add a second antibiotic to the mix and she will run it for 4-6 more weeks and then she's coming off of all antibiotics. He will put her on some herbal meds but said she should be nearly fully recovered by mid to late January but he will want her on the herbal meds for prob. a few months just to be sure.

 

I also bought her an infrared sauna as I read about the benefits of that online. I mentioned this to her doctor and he thought it was super awesome that I did that and said she should absolutely use it daily as it will help kill of the remaining Lyme bacteria.

 

I figured she would be in a great mood tonight because of the good news. I went to my business and spent 5 1/2 hours there and when I got home she's on a tear. Not sure why she's so pissed off but she's been up my ass since I've gotten home. UGH

 

Can't win.

[Noirek]

Probably because you asked the doctor about sex. If my husband had as much of a one track mind as yours I'd never be in the mood eithet.

 

Have you talked to your shrink about that?

[whichwayisup]

She knows you view her as a sex outlet so I'm sure that doesn't make her feel very sexy. When was the last time you brought her flowers or just cuddled her, held her hand with NO expectation of sex or something in return?

 

I think if you put sex on the back burner and stopped pushing it and making it your first priority maybe she'd be more interested in it.

[What-2-Do]

She knows you view her as a sex outlet so I'm sure that doesn't make her feel very sexy. When was the last time you brought her flowers or just cuddled her, held her hand with NO expectation of sex or something in return?

 

I think if you put sex on the back burner and stopped pushing it and making it your first priority maybe she'd be more interested in it.

 

I put sex on the back burner for 4 months. Didn't say one word about it or try or anything. Didn't change anything.

[What-2-Do]

What did her dr say about her symptoms of depression?

 

What did he say about her capability to function. Or ally moving forward?

 

What was your wife's response to his update? Was she happy about the possibility of feeling better or no?

 

He said to keep him updated about the depression and hopefully now that she's on a recovery she will start being more positive.

 

She was happy about the news and I thought she would be thrilled last night but she was in a terrible mood. Not really sure why but who knows.

[NuevoYorko]

seduce her

be very sexual with her

walk around the house naked

dont ask, make her want you...

masturbate loudly frequently

do so for 6 months...

Seriously? I think this would be intrusive to the point of disgusting, to a sick person. At the very least, it doesn't sound sexy.

[LexiCat29]

Not to open up a can of worms here but are you sure she's not cheating on you?

[BaileyB]

The advice to masterbate and walk around the house naked is the stupidest thing that OP could do. Any man with sex on the brain constantly who pressures a woman to have sex isn't going to achieve the desired result. It will do absolutely nothing to motivate a woman to have sex.

 

I'm all for romance, doing nice things for each other, trying to ease some of the daily burden particularly when one partner is sick... But, at a certain point your wife has to realize that this is a marriage and sex is an important part of any marriage. At some point, if she loves you and wants to share that intimacy with her husband, she needs to make more of an effort to be more giving and more loving.

 

The fact that your wife is not doing this is a problem. The fact that she got good news from her doctor and you have done something nice to help her to heal should have put her in a good mood, and the fact that she was not happy last night tells you that something is not right for her.

 

Now, I can imagine that she was not thrilled that you asked the doctor about sex because now she knows that you know there is no reason for her not to engage in a healthy sex life. So now, there is more pressure. I still say that your wife has some mental health issues and something is wrong in your marriage such that she doesn't seem to want to share that intimacy with you. Now that she is on the road to recovery, the problems in your marriage are what you need to deal with. And, if she doesn't want to deal with the problems in your marriage... well then, that will tell you everything...

Edited December 3, 2016 by BaileyB

[Noirek]

He said to keep him updated about the depression and hopefully now that she's on a recovery she will start being more positive.

 

She was happy about the news and I thought she would be thrilled last night but she was in a terrible mood. Not really sure why but who knows.

 

You said you went two weeks. Your a lot of posts in to finally add you went four months without asking for sex. Earlier you talked about being turned down over and over again. You were leaving. It was over. No sex was driving you crazy.

 

And then she threw you a bone.

 

[]

 

Look, i've been in a sexless marriage. And it sucks. And no masterbation does not replace true intimacy. But thats not the point. This lack of sex is just a symptom of a much bigger problem. Your posts have out right told much bigger problems than no sex during an illness.

 

But your obsession with the sex is keeping you focused on that. And it is what keeps you from doing anything when she does throw you that bone. You get sex and all those other problems disappear...

 

But they don't.

 

Something is seriously wrong with your wife. In your marriage. And with your unhealthy focus on the sex.

Edited December 5, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Topical content

[What-2-Do]

When she was first sick I never once brought up sex. We went 4 months without talking about it or acting on it or anything.

 

to me sex is the most important part of my relationship. Sorry but it's that important to me. Not having sex and being rejected all the time (not just recently but over the past 2 years) has my furious.

 

You try to paint me as a monster of sorts for wanting what's important to me. I can clearly see you don't like me for whatever reason but again, I'm not here to please you. I'm simply asking advice on what I should do. It's a difficult decision and now that she's actually getting better she will no longer have any excuses so I guess I can stick it thru another 2months or so and see what happens.

 

Most guys in my situation would have already left and/or cheated on their wives.

Edited December 5, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Redact full quote of immediately preceding post

[BettyDraper]

I agree that sex is certainly a crucial element of marriage but it shouldn't be the most meaningful component of one. I was under the impression that people often grow past that mindset once they decide to have serious relationships.

 

If my husband told me that sex was the most important part of our marriage, I would feel like a sex doll who was only there to get him off. Remember that women generally do not enjoy sex in a relationship if we feel like our partners only care about the physical part of our time together.

 

Quite frankly, I would resent a husband who only cared about sleeping with me and I wouldn't be thrilled to have sex with him either. What happens in the bedroom is a barometer for the rest of the relationship. Maybe your wife feels that you don't care about her and that's why she doesn't want to be sexual. Based on what you've shared about sex being the most important part of a relationship, I certainly wouldn't blame her for believing that about you.

[Hopeful714]

And I think you should leave.

 

I really don't think your wife wants to be with you, otherwise she would be having sex with you. And she is not and doesn't want to.

 

I don't sense any closeness here, compassion, empathy or intimacy. What I sense is a man who just focuses on this insatiable "need" for sex and to me it sounds like such a turn off and barbaric. Seriously asking her doctor? Lol.

 

It's not that people don't like you that you are getting the responses you are. It's just that you don't get it. Your not understanding what a turn off to women (and your wife) it is to be the way you are being.

 

Once this relationship ends (and it will) how do you think you will get sex then? If you date are you going to be this way with other women and attack them on the first meeting?

 

You know, it iS a woman's choice to have sex.... or not to have sex ...and much of that choice is decided by the way a man acts. This relationship is finished.

[Mumbles]

A lot of the responses here seem to be along the lines of simply suck it up, or masturbate through it. I don't think this is in the slightest bit realistic at this stage.

 

The OP has come here not at the start of this difficulty but at the end, he's already at the end of his tether. Suck-it-up might have been legitimate 6-7 months ago and from the words spoken here thats pretty much what he's done.

 

Likewise, all the talk of beginning a counselling relationship and romancing his wife for a few months - its all fine and legit advice ... but at the beginning of the problem.

 

Now, at this point, we're already in a very bad place. Initiation is probably being interpreted as entitlement and rejection is being taken as carelessness.

 

I've been in exactly this (sexless) situation and it ended in divorce. A few years after the divorce I came here to LS. Too late for me, but I met and conversed with a lot of really helpful people who helped me to see life as it really is, and were not stuck in some bizarre fairy tale PC mind block. If I'd come here earlier, or if I'd started counselling with my first wife earlier who knows? Perhaps I'd still be married to the first woman?

 

The OP is coming back to this forum and topic time and time again, divorce obviously isn't his first personal choice or else he'd have presented whats on his mind, taken some of the positive feedback relating to that and then got on with the job. He's not doing that. Theres probably a lot of reasons why, maybe residual feelings of love and attachment? Perhaps its purely financial?

 

My first wife actually told me to go out and get mine, to stop bothering her about it. I couldn't do it at the time because of some weird misguided attachment to the idea of monogamy. The trouble for me was that we weren't in a monogamous relationship, we were in a celibate relationship. Thats fine if the most important thing in your life is being faithful to your woman, your wife and family.

 

The OP has already stated that sex is extremely important to him. Although I couldn't face it at the time, I have since grown considerably as both a human and specifically as a man. Personal truth has led me to understand that in fact, distasteful as many people on the LS forums appear to find the notion, sex is probably the single most important thing in my life. I'm not one dimensional, not at all, but, gun to my head, if I now had to choose one and only one activity that brings me contentment, its sex.

 

So, with all that in mind, I'd say to the OP - go get yours, by whatever means suits your personality and beliefs. Of course, don't cross boundaries fundamental to who you are, but a little self truth here will help your mental state enormously.

 

My guess is that once you take away the 'going insane' bit of your incel situation then your mind will clear and you will much more easily be able to deal with other aspects of your life. Divorce may still be the best or only realistic way forward, but it might not. You will at least have the opportunity to pursue reasonable forward looking courses of action.

[Hopeful714]

All I can say to the above is that it is a sad state of affairs if a man HAS to have sex in order to function and think clearly. Have we not evolved at all? This is Paleolithic, if not Neanderthal mentality that can lead to violent sex crimes and abuse.

 

It is food, water and shelter that are the most basic of needs. If this were not true, wouldn't it be legal to just "grab" any woman any time the urge occurs?

 

It is also threads like these that keep me single because if I was to ever be legally, or forcefully bound to a man of this caliper I would rather be dead.

[BettyDraper]

All I can say to the above is that it is a sad state of affairs if a man HAS to have sex in order to function and think clearly. Have we not evolved at all? This is Paleolithic, if not Neanderthal mentality that can lead to violent sex crimes and abuse.

 

It is food, water and shelter that are the most basic of needs. If this were not true, wouldn't it be legal to just "grab" any woman any time the urge occurs?

 

It is also threads like these that keep me single because if I was to ever be legally, or forcefully bound to a man of this caliper I would rather be dead.

 

I think that eschewing sex in a marriage for no good reason is wrong and completely unfair. However, I also believe that there is more to a happy marriage than just sex. There should be some balance between passionate sex and other necessary aspects of a joyous marriage.

 

If man only sees value in a woman based on what kind of sex he has with her, he doesn't need to be married because that requires some acknowledgement of concerns outside of the bedroom. It would make more sense to have FWBs or hire sex workers.

[whichwayisup]

Then go to marriage counseling and figure out how to fix things and so she can reconnect with you.

 

How many years have you been married? Be a shame to walk away without getting marriage counseling to at least see if things are able to be fixed.

[What-2-Do]

Then go to marriage counseling and figure out how to fix things and so she can reconnect with you.

 

How many years have you been married? Be a shame to walk away without getting marriage counseling to at least see if things are able to be fixed.

 

SHE WON'T GO TO COUNSELING..... I've tried to get her to go. Last year I went by MYSELF and when I would try using something that was suggested her response would be "what did you get that form your crazy doctor?"

 

She's beyond close minded.

[elaine567]

Most people, especially women, cannot have sex when they feel emotionally unsupported.

 

^^^This^^^

 

Something I guess went very wrong about 2 years ago.

Can you think back to what it may have been?

[What-2-Do]

^^^This^^^

 

Something I guess went very wrong about 2 years ago.

Can you think back to what it may have been?

 

I don't recall anything but who knows. She's a super negative person and never wants to do anything at all. She's a chronic complainer as well. Not sure what to do.