How to deal with Sexless Marriage? Wife is sick

[Hopeful714]

See here's the problem....

 

She doesn't want to go to counselling, she doesn't want to have sex. She is done with this marriage... or would prefer to be happy w with the status quo that is unacceptable to you.

 

You on the other hand call her negative, complainer, and have said countless other things about her that are less than complementary. But you still bug the heck outta her for sex! Why? If you find her so undesirable, and you see she is not interested in changing...I don't get why you still want to have sex with her?....unless of course it's because your looking for an "object" to have sex with or because you think something magical will happen if you do, but we all saw last time it didn't... and NOTHING changed.

 

You said somewhere earlier in this thread she told you that you didn't accept her as she is. I don't think you do. You are trying to make her conform to what you want and she won't...or doesn't want to. She has even told you that all she wants is to do is focus on her health. Have you asked what she would like to focus on if and when she regains her health? Are you really hearing what she is saying to you?

 

OP, you are going to have to accept the reality of this. It's like you both don't want this relationship anymore because it doesn't make either of you happy, yet you both are too stuck or afraid to do anything to leave it because you know it's a difficult thing. No offense but you call her a complainer... yet this whole entire thread is a big complaint against her.

 

Again, if I was married, and if I was sick, and if I had a husband that I was still in love with, who I still wanted a relationship with, and if I was able, I would be having sex and going to counseling, basically doing whatever I could to make it work.

 

Sincerely, Good luck to you. I'm signing off this one:)

[BoaConstrictor]

I don't recall anything but who knows. She's a super negative person and never wants to do anything at all. She's a chronic complainer as well. Not sure what to do.

 

She's depressed. I feel like you're not fully internalizing what that does to a person.

 

I would suggest reading a few books or websites that try to explain to loved ones how depression works. This should help you better understand your spouse and have more compassion for her.

[Noirek]

I don't recall anything but who knows. She's a super negative person and never wants to do anything at all. She's a chronic complainer as well. Not sure what to do.

 

See this. You are so obsessed with sex saying it is the most important part of your marriage which is a terrible approach to marriage by the way. It is an important part to marriage but marriages based purely on sex fail as we can see. And yet you have nothing good to say about her at all. You are missing the bigger picture and refuse to see it. Your wife refuses to get help and you can't change that.

 

But you can get help and you can change you. You can be honest with yourself and start getting your priorities straight. For instance your son. Your mental well being and even your wife's is far more important than sex. If your wife refuses counselling and to seek help for depression than you need to consider divorce because your home life is toxic for you and your son.

 

do you really see your wife as a slot machine only? All her other useleness and staying at hone is tolerable if she gives you some? This is where you are are at fault and your priorities are skrewed. You need help.

 

So have you talked to your shrink about your dogged obsession with sex?

[NuevoYorko]

I don't recall anything but who knows. She's a super negative person and never wants to do anything at all. She's a chronic complainer as well. Not sure what to do.

 

See ... you talk like this about her a lot. It sounds like you dislike and disrespect her, and you're throwing off a lot of rage. You are probably solidly anti-sexy to her by now.

 

She has been very sick, and you have been pretty much thinking along the lines of "well, are you ok yet, can we have sex now, NO??!?? you whiny lazy buzzkiller!" (stomps off angrily)

 

Look, I understand that being neglected sexually can be the death of a marriage, I've been there. I AGREE that it's her responsibility as a married person to consider your sexuality, and she's not. Still, I can't imagine how an attitude like yours could possibly create a fertile ground for sexual feelings to have any chance to return. She's been sick, and you've been focussing on your manly appendage.

 

For the record, I completely disagree with the poster who told you to go out and "get yours," unless this is mutually agreed upon in your marriage.

 

You sound like you've had enough. Maybe you should move out and give the whole thing some space for a while.

[elaine567]

I think she's mad she won't have the excuse of being sick anymore - and expectations of her being able to do anything is bothering her.

Maybe, but the OP asking the doctor about sex was just cringe-worthy, she will have been mortified.

[BluesPower]

Elaine - I just don't know???

 

I am guessing that question would embarrass you?

 

I don't know it is kind of common in some situations.

 

When we were having babies and we went the follow ups after the birth, that was always one of our first question. When can we get back in the saddle?

 

And no, it was not always me asking the question.

[Noirek]

Elaine - I just don't know???

 

I am guessing that question would embarrass you?

 

I don't know it is kind of common in some situations.

 

When we were having babies and we went the follow ups after the birth, that was always one of our first question. When can we get back in the saddle?

 

And no, it was not always me asking the question.

 

When the person who is not the one out of commission asks "is sex okay now?" It seems demanding. After a surgery for instance the patient asking is normal... the spouse? Pushy. Unless they were asked to. But we know from the OP's posts that he constantly asks for sex. he's got a one track mind. Its really all he cares about.

 

Honestly, if she continues to let him have "the most important thing in a marriage". Her lack of doing anything else will be ignored. Her bad parenting will be downplayed. Because he is obsessed.

[elaine567]

Elaine - I just don't know???

I am guessing that question would embarrass you?

I don't know it is kind of common in some situations.

When we were having babies and we went the follow ups after the birth, that was always one of our first question. When can we get back in the saddle?

 

And no, it was not always me asking the question.

 

Plenty people usually the patient themselves actually, ask about sex after babies, after heart attacks, after back surgery, hysterectomies, etc. that is fine and appropriate, but here it all just sounds like a horny guy desperate to pressurise his sick wife into having sex with him.

A bit like you going to the doc with flu and your wife collaring the doc to ask when you will be fit enough for sex, it is just not the right thing to do as flu has fundamentally nothing to do with sex.

 

"OMG my wife has broken her finger, when will she be fit enough for sex?"

[BluesPower]

OK, I get it girls...

 

I just want to say, she is not so sick that she cannot have sex. She is sick I get that but on the mend.

 

Can we get off of OP for wanting to have sex with his wife?

 

News flash, most men want to have sex with their wives.

 

Sex is a very important part of marriage, otherwise, why be married?

 

I hate to say this, you know how much I love you ladies, but do you think if sex was not involved in the equation that we would even talk to you much less marry you? I do you think that would happen?

 

Of course he wants to have sex with his wife? How many WW's have complained that their husbands DON"T want to have sex anymore?

 

Could we please get off the OP for wanting sex, it is natural.

 

Want to dog him for staying with a selfish lazy wife? I am with you.

 

Want to tell him to stop being so wishy washy? I am on your page.

 

But please get off the man because he wants to get laid...

[NuevoYorko]

Could we please get off the OP for wanting sex, it is natural.

 

Want to dog him for staying with a selfish lazy wife? I am with you.

 

Want to tell him to stop being so wishy washy? I am on your page.

 

But please get off the man because he wants to get laid...

The way he talks about his wife, her illness, and his sexual needs all signal to a broken relationship where the wife probably doesn't even trust him enough to feel sexual towards him. It seems pretty clear that she's depressed. "Get over it and lay down, you giving me sex is the most important thing about you" is not a good way to change a dynamic like the one that's developed here.

 

Regardless, it's clear that neither one of these people are getting ANY of their needs met in this marriage. It would be interesting to get the other side of this story.

[BaileyB]

It would be interesting to get the other side of the story.

 

And, it does seem clear that nobody is happy in this relationship.

[Noirek]

Blues, i'm not saying this because I am a woman. I have a higher sex drive than my husband. Sex in our marriage is more important to me than it is to my husband. And I was in a sexless marriage.

 

But his attitude is over the top about sex. He can't see the forest for the trees. Even if sex was the only problem he would still need to look at his obsession because there would be a good chance he pushed his wife a way by it. At least his one track mind says so. And as his problem is with his wife... a female perspective may be enlightening. Many women probably do not want to be married to a man who values sex more than family or companionship. Equal maybe but not number one. And I know my husband doesn't either so I am sure many men don't either

 

But since there are sooo many other problems in this relationship i don't think the sex thing can even be focused on and fixed. He still needs to get help from a professional on that though.

[Mumbles]

Blues, i'm not saying this because I am a woman. I have a higher sex drive than my husband. Sex in our marriage is more important to me than it is to my husband. And I was in a sexless marriage.

 

But his attitude is over the top about sex. He can't see the forest for the trees. Even if sex was the only problem he would still need to look at his obsession because there would be a good chance he pushed his wife a way by it. At least his one track mind says so. And as his problem is with his wife... a female perspective may be enlightening. Many women probably do not want to be married to a man who values sex more than family or companionship. Equal maybe but not number one. And I know my husband doesn't either so I am sure many men don't either

 

But since there are sooo many other problems in this relationship i don't think the sex thing can even be focused on and fixed. He still needs to get help from a professional on that though.

 

I disagree. As with many posts on this thread, the advice and well wishing appears to me to be coming in as if this problem were only new. Its not new, its now old.

 

The poor OP isn't slightly hungry, he's literally starving to death! When in this mindset its hard to focus on anything else and so, yes, the appearance is of one who is obsessed.

 

I know because I've been there, in an incel marriage, and though I am extremely multi-faceted as a personality, after years of incel abuse, I simply couldn't get past that, it filled my mind day and night.

[BluesPower]

Noirek, I get where you are coming from, and I don't doubt that he may have made more initially about the sex than all the other problems.

 

And I don't doubt that he may not have handled the sex question in the proper way. But here is the deal, this has been going on for 2 years, his balls are the size of volley balls. At some point, the lack of sex makes a man, and maybe a woman crazy.

 

I think he needs to handle the other problems as well though, and frankly I just don't know if any of this can be saved if her attitude does not change.

 

Here is the deal for me. If my wife does not want to have sex with me, we have a problem, and it is a big one. As a matter of fact, I also don't initiate all the time. If I have to ASK for sex and it is not natural for both parties when it occurs, we still have a big problem.

 

The thing is, if my wife is not turned on by me, there are a ton of women that are. And if I have to ASK for sex from her all the time, I might as well get the girls back together and have sex with them.

 

Now that she is a sober person, this is not a problem, when it was, that is exactly what I did.

 

If she had been sober and able to care for herself when this was happening I would have just divorced her at that time.

 

If a woman wants to be with me, she needs to want me sexually as well. The two things are not mutually exclusive in any way.

 

Does that make any sense?

[whichwayisup]

OK, I get it girls...

 

I just want to say, she is not so sick that she cannot have sex. She is sick I get that but on the mend.

 

Can we get off of OP for wanting to have sex with his wife?

News flash, most men want to have sex with their wives.

Sex is a very important part of marriage, otherwise, why be married?

 

I hate to say this, you know how much I love you ladies, but do you think if sex was not involved in the equation that we would even talk to you much less marry you? I do you think that would happen?

 

Of course he wants to have sex with his wife? How many WW's have complained that their husbands DON"T want to have sex anymore?

 

Could we please get off the OP for wanting sex, it is natural.

 

Want to dog him for staying with a selfish lazy wife? I am with you.

 

Want to tell him to stop being so wishy washy? I am on your page.

 

But please get off the man because he wants to get laid...

 

Bolded ,yes but MOST don't act like he is and constantly is making the main issue about sex. It goes much deeper than that. If he gets laid more often, that's happiness in the moment but not long lasting. there are tons of other issues in their marriage which causes him to be unhappy yet he is focusing on the sex part of it.

[Phoenician]

I'm sorry to hear what you are being through .

i've been in this boat for 18 years...

 

if you can't leave you have no other option except doing like me .

 

I have rebuilt my backyard garden ,old friends , new hobbies , and some fun time within borders .

 

sex deprivation is for me the most painful abuse .

some ppl now call me cheater ,well , yes I cheated on my wife 2 times in 18 years , was this a big sin yes , compared to divorce and leaving a lovely family , i prefer to cheat .

 

she refused everything ,she does get aroused couple of times every 8-12 weeks , it is all about her , when she wants, the way she wants .

 

I am no longer asking for sex , when she wants it we get it , i leave everything behind and enjoy it , other days , i go play cards , go to movies , play with friends .

 

 

those friends are alike me , searching for love , in an innocent way ; we end up cuddling , sayiong nice things ,playing going out and that's it, no sex involved .

 

I invite her always to be with us , she never accept , I don't even get upset anymore .

 

 

eventually she sometimes realize that i can get it outside , but refraining from doing it .

 

I don't even speak about it .

 

at the end ,we need affection not only sex .

 

I will never be able to change her ,you will never be able to change your wife .

 

I beleive when a partner asks for sex , this means that the whole relation is failing ; it is in the hand of the abused to suck it or explode .

 

 

stop wasting your time even if you stay , find good decent hobbies with friends .

 

when she sees that you are finding your satisfaction elsewhere , even with normal friends ; she will run after you ; mine do it rarely when she feels that she lost control .

 

it is not a healthy life , but this is the max we can do in a sexless marriage .

 

 

good luck .

[What-2-Do]

It's funny because the women on here will dog me because I want to have sex with my wife. I'm a guy and sex is important to me. If you knew anything about guys you would see that sex is like oxygen to us.

 

If you were to be put on testosterone for a couple of weeks I can promise you that you wouldn't be able to function. Am I hyper focused on sex now? Of course I am. I'm horny as all hell. I came on here for advice not to be told to not care about sex.

 

If sex isn't important to you then so be it. Also, if you think your husbands would be with you without sex you're wrong. Unless there is something wrong with him.

[NuevoYorko]

It's funny because the women on here will dog me because I want to have sex with my wife.

I can't speak for them, but it seems that the women are mostly dogging you about :

 

1) presenting your wife as a person you dislike and disrespect, yet expect to be available for your sexual use - even if she's sick.

 

2) sex being the most important aspect of your marriage.

 

Finding #1 unappealing to the point of appalling is not specific to women.

 

#2 is probably threatening; women wouldn't like to think that sex was the most important reason their husband was married to them. Better or worse, sickness and health, etc.

 

It's hard to be sympathetic at this point. You think she's a loser. You make yourself look bad by continuing to insist that she is wrong for not being sexual with you. You think poorly of her. Who wants to have sex with someone who looks down on them? Not me.

 

It's not about being a woman or a man.

[Noirek]

It's funny because the women on here will dog me because I want to have sex with my wife. I'm a guy and sex is important to me. If you knew anything about guys you would see that sex is like oxygen to us.

 

If you were to be put on testosterone for a couple of weeks I can promise you that you wouldn't be able to function. Am I hyper focused on sex now? Of course I am. I'm horny as all hell. I came on here for advice not to be told to not care about sex.

 

If sex isn't important to you then so be it. Also, if you think your husbands would be with you without sex you're wrong. Unless there is something wrong with him.

 

This is called gaslighting and completely missing the point. Lots of men have testosterone and don't spend months on forums not taking action. You completely ignore and all advice. If you don't want to pull yourself together and not be weak and a slave to your hormones and emotions and continue to live with a woman who apparently has done nothing for your marriage in the last two years and now is barely doing a thing for your son, that is of course, your own choice. You are the only one that can make your life better. But you got to want to change.

[BaileyB]

She's not going to change. She's given you no indication that she is going to change. So, the question becomes, is this marriage meeting your needs and if it is not, what are you going to do about it?

 

From my perspective, I think that you love your wife. But, something has happened in your marriage and it is not meeting your needs anymore. Your wife has been sick, she's depressed, she's unhappy, and you've lost the intimacy in your relationship. You are frustrated with her and the changes that have occurred in your marriage. Sex is important to you, and of course you miss it. Absolutely fair. You have tried to improve the situation, but she doesn't seem very motivated to change and she has not taken any steps to deal with the issues in your marriage. You are contemplating divorce. You are grieving the loss of your marriage, the relationship that you once had/thought you had/want with your wife. At some point, you will have to make a decision. You will know it when you've reached that point - because you will have exhausted all possibility, you will feel apathy toward your relationship rather than affection for your wife, and you will find that embracing the unknown of the future is better than continuing in an unhappy marriage. Until then, back and forth, back and forth, back and forth you will go as you contemplate the idea of divorce and come to terms with the end of your marriage.

 

It would be interesting to hear her side of the story. But, I have known three men in my life who have all had similar experiences to the story you have described. All eventually left their marriages, found happiness with another woman, and none have looked back once.

Edited December 6, 2016 by BaileyB

[LexiCat29]

It's funny because the women on here will dog me because I want to have sex with my wife. I'm a guy and sex is important to me. If you knew anything about guys you would see that sex is like oxygen to us.

 

If you were to be put on testosterone for a couple of weeks I can promise you that you wouldn't be able to function. Am I hyper focused on sex now? Of course I am. I'm horny as all hell. I came on here for advice not to be told to not care about sex.

 

If sex isn't important to you then so be it. Also, if you think your husbands would be with you without sex you're wrong. Unless there is something wrong with him.

 

I think people are more focused on the fact that you don't even seem to care that your marriage isn't very good..you only appear to care that your wife won't put out.

 

You don't even seem to like her very much..and she doesn't seem to like you either. Why doesn't this matter at all to you?

 

Do you want to fix your marriage? If not..why not end it?

[camillalev]

I can't speak for them, but it seems that the women are mostly dogging you about :

 

1) presenting your wife as a person you dislike and disrespect, yet expect to be available for your sexual use - even if she's sick.

 

2) sex being the most important aspect of your marriage.

 

Finding #1 unappealing to the point of appalling is not specific to women.

 

#2 is probably threatening; women wouldn't like to think that sex was the most important reason their husband was married to them. Better or worse, sickness and health, etc.

 

It's hard to be sympathetic at this point. You think she's a loser. You make yourself look bad by continuing to insist that she is wrong for not being sexual with you. You think poorly of her. Who wants to have sex with someone who looks down on them? Not me.

 

It's not about being a woman or a man.

 

Now that a man has said it maybe OP will listen. Funny how that works isnt it

 

Why is it that some men have such a difficult time listening to the other genders POV when theyre looking for advice?

 

Anyway, like others have said, you have larger issues in your marriage that you seem to not be focusing on at all. Dont know how many times that can be said.

[Sweetfish]

OK, I get it girls...

 

I just want to say, she is not so sick that she cannot have sex. She is sick I get that but on the mend.

 

Can we get off of OP for wanting to have sex with his wife?

 

News flash, most men want to have sex with their wives.

 

Sex is a very important part of marriage, otherwise, why be married?

 

I hate to say this, you know how much I love you ladies, but do you think if sex was not involved in the equation that we would even talk to you much less marry you? I do you think that would happen?

 

Of course he wants to have sex with his wife? How many WW's have complained that their husbands DON"T want to have sex anymore?

 

Could we please get off the OP for wanting sex, it is natural.

 

Want to dog him for staying with a selfish lazy wife? I am with you.

 

Want to tell him to stop being so wishy washy? I am on your page.

 

But please get off the man because he wants to get laid...

 

I hope your starting to see the double standards played in these threads and some of the members.

 

It is always promoted when a women doesn't get her needs the guy is considered not good.

 

Marriage

Kids

Attention

Etc.

 

When a guy hadn't had sex for 2 years... his needs are not as valued. I wouldn't doubt he will start feeling negative about the relationship, the same way women get when their needs are not meet.

Edited December 7, 2016 by Sweetfish

[What-2-Do]

I hope your starting to see the double standards played in these threads and some of the members.

 

It is always promoted when a women doesn't get her needs the guy is considered not good.

 

Marriage

Kids

Attention

Etc.

 

When a guy hadn't had sex for 2 years... his needs are not as valued. I wouldn't doubt he will start feeling negative about the relationship, the same way women get when their needs are not meet.

 

It's so true. Because our needs are DIFFERENT our needs make us look like jerks. I've been an AMAZING DAD. I guarantee I do more than any husband that these women on here have. I get my son up every morning, fed, ready to school, on the bus. I pick him up from school, take him with me and usually put him to bed. This is 4 out of 5 days during the week. Our son is awesome and I love being with him.

 

I do a ton for my wife. I give her attention, affection, financial freedom, support, etc. I'm sorry if I want to go on a date with my wife more than every 2 years and to have sex with her more than twice in 8 months.

[BaileyB]

I give her attention, affection, financial freedom, support, etc. I'm sorry if I want to go on a date with my wife more than every 2 years and to have sex with her more than twice in 8 months.

 

And now I'm out. I've been more than sympathetic to your problem. But, I'm done listening to your complaints. You may be the best husband and father in the world, but your wife is clearly unhappy and because of that, your marriage is not happy and healthy.

 

Agreed - one date every two years and sex twice in eight months is not enough! What are you going to do about it - besides throw yourself a pity party and complain to strangers on the Internet?