married and playing with others

[surfer2000]

I am a married guy who is very good to his wife but we have no sex life (she has never had the drive) and I have a huge sex drive. I do everything in life to make her happy and she is. I also keep secret that I love to share naked photos of myself with women I meet online. I am honest with the women about being married and I tell them I have no intension of leaving my wife (and I don’t want to ever leave her) but I need an outlet to let go of my sexual tension. I love it when I meet a woman who wants to see my photos or wants me to take photos of myself stripping or naked or maybe wants to see me on CAM and most share photo or CAM with me. I even have a few married friends that when we are at a party or in the hot tub that love to feel me and I let them. I would never go out and get a hooker or just meet someone off the street to do anything with physical. I do imagine meeting a desperate housewife who needs some attention but does not want to leave her husband either. Is this all so bad if no one is getting hurt? I would rather have a great sex life with my wife but since I don’t I need to take care of things some way otherwise if I could not I might want to leave her just out of frustration. I keep myself in shape and I am a very likable person so it seems like a waist to not have someone who wants to see me to be sexy expose myself or to flirt with them. I love the feel of when a woman sees my body for the first time and gets excited.

 

I use to have the perfect situation with a friend of mine who was married and not getting enough. We use to take photos of ourselves and email them than we would meet up sometimes and feel each other and than go home to our spouses. It made us both much happier and we treated our spouses so much better. Now she has moved and it is hard to even find a good women online I can share things with even just on CAM or email.

 

Well that is my story and I hope not everyone thinks I am slime. I am just being honest about my situation.

[westernxer]

Don't most surfers prefer surfing over sex?

 

Just do some extra paddling between sets, and hope a shark doesn't bite you in half.

[Pocky]

This reminds me of a man I once knew..

 

He was married. His wife would go to church on the weekend for various reasons (she was quite active in the church) and he would stay home masturbating on a webcam with women he met online. I just happened to have been one of these women. I remember asking him one time why he does this when he could be with his wife and he told me that his wife wasn't into sex and didn't really understand his sexual needs.

 

A year later I found out she had been having an affair (church appears to have been a good cover-up) the entire time he was using his little webcam because he didn't bother taking the time to talk to his wife. Neither one was getting their needs met and neither one thought the other would understand.

 

They divorced.

[New_Wife]

There may be a medical reason for your wife's sexual apathy. There may be a sexual reason for it as well. When you do have sex, are you adequately taking care of her needs? If you answer yes, are you SURE? We women can be acadamy award fakers if we are trying to just hurry you along so we don't get a UTI from misguided incessant banging away.

 

If when you do have sex, you know she enjoyed it by (I don't want to get too graphic here, but there are very obvious signs that CANNOT be faked) her responses, then you might want to nudge her to her Gyno & or regular doctor. If she's taking any anti-depressants, some of these can tank the sex drive, and be substituted for something else if need be.

 

I hope, for your marraige, that you focus on the why of this sexual dischord instead of focusing on what you think you deserve. You both deserve to be happy. I don't want to hop on the soapbox, but just because it's become more like the norm to cheat, doesn't make it right. Good luck.

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

My exH and I were in your position for the last six years of our 13 year marriage. How do you know her sex drive is not up to par? How do you initiate sex with her? Or do u just assume she doesn't want it cuz she doesn't initiate it for you?

 

You need to get off line. You need to talk to your wife, and see a sex therapist together or a marriage counsellor and learn how to communicate. You're digging yourself into a hole that eventually you will not be able to get out of and I think you know this.

 

What would happen if your wife found out what you were doing? I knew my exH was doing this, and I'd go to bed hoping he'd join me, but instead of outright asking him to join me, I would go cry myself to sleep. He would sit at the computer feeling sorry for himself that I didn't want sex (he assumed).

 

When he did come to bed with me, he would put his hand on my hip (me facing away) I didn't respond to that. Attack me! Kiss me! Hold me tight! Do this before we go to bed. Do this when you get home from work! Show me some damn affection!!! That is what I wanted.

 

But he also could not read my mind, and I assumed he didn't love me. So I had an affair and he cheated online and now we're not together anymore.

 

In the beginning, six yrs ago, when he found out I was going online, it all came into the open and our sex life improved 100%. But, we still went online, and still ended up in the same position because we didn't know how to communicate when something was wrong in our marriage. He used withholding sex to punish me when he was upset about something, and expected me to figure it out. I used other men to get back at him when he was holding back sex. It was a vicious cycle.

 

Please get some help for your marriage. What you are doing is very wrong and I'm not talking morally, it is destructive to who you are as a person and who your wife is. The internet is bad BAD I say!

[surfer2000]

We have been over and over all this with experts and it seems to be a medical thing or maybe chemical is a better word. She loves me and I love her and the few times we have had sex I have made her feel better than anyone ever has. I am very interested in her needs and she is very appreciative. She is even more appreciative if I don’t ask for sex and she can do without it. I am not trying to talk myself up or sound like a stud but just giving you info so you know the situation. I get much pleasure from fulfilling a woman’s needs and I am told I am very good at that. I get more pleasure from giving oral to a woman than getting it (not that I don’t like it) so my skills are not the problem we are just not compatible when it comes to sex and I don’t push her. Our lives are wonderful in every other way. We are better than best friends. We have sex maybe 5 times a year and I could have it every day. I take photos (by requests) often for women who email me and I love to show off. I gets me so excited to have someone who enjoys seeing me. If my wife were excited by seeing me or being with me I would have no need to share with other women but if I did not have this way of releasing tension I would be an ass to my wife. I know because I tried and I thought I was going to explode. I have no thought in my mind that I ever want to leave her but I do have a need to explore my sexual side.

 

I still make sure I take care of all her needs and that will always be my #1 priority.

[surfer2000]

MWC_LifeBeginsAt40

 

I am very open with talking to her about everything and we have discussed how to best approach her about having sex. She asked that I leave it up to her and she does not initiate it. I am still romantic with her and do things like taking her places and cooking her a romantic meal and she is very happy in our marriage so don’t try to preach to me that my marriage is like anyone elses or that I have not approached the issue with her. It is not something I did or did not do. She just is not a sexual person so you preaching to me about your marriage is not helpful to me. I am just sharing my story because I know there are others in the same unique situation. The other married friend I was messing with was in the same exact situation and she loves her husband. If no one is getting hurt than why is it a problem?

[Pocky]

Does your wife know what you do to satisfy your sexual desires?

[New_Wife]

Your arguments in favor of your actions have a fatal flaw. What makes you happy, would most likely destroy your wife.

 

Now, to use an analogy (DearLord, here she goes again), I occasionally feel like I'd like to shoot someone. Not a specific person, but from time to time some azzclown gets on my nerves so bad I wouldn't mind putting a sigsaur to their temple and firing until there's a big mess. That person wouldn't mind - they'd be dead. My husband wouldn't get hurt, if he didn't find out right? In fact, if there were no witnesses, and I could somehow hide the crime - I'd be all good, right?

 

No. Because it's wrong to kill people.

 

Extreme? Huh. Maybe. But are you killing your marriage?

[shygurl]

Originally posted by surfer2000

She loves me and I love her and the few times we have had sex I have made her feel better than anyone ever has. I am very interested in her needs and she is very appreciative.

 

Man, arrogant much? If you *truly* were such a great and satisfying lover, believe me.........she'd be coming back for more time and time again because it was so damn good. If she's telling you that you're so great (which I'm somehow doubtful she's doing but hey, you know the truth), she's merely doing it to stroke your fragile ego and appease your sense of manliness. Ask any woman out there - if a guy is so hot in the sack, she'd have to be in a coma before she'd not want him on a regular basis - so quite simply, get over yourself.

 

I still make sure I take care of all her needs and that will always be my #1 priority.

 

ALL her needs? Bud, I can almost guarantee you that one of her needs would be the NEED to be able to IMPLICITLY *TRUST* her husband..........and you're surely lacking in that department so stop living in this dreamworld.

 

If you're so okay with what you're doing and you feel it's so "justified" then be man enough to tell her what you're up to so that she can make an INFORMED decision about whether she wants to be married to a pee-pee showing exhibitionist.

 

The only reason she's not YET hurt is because you're not being honest with her, you're keeping secrets, you're leading a secret life. I can assure you that if she knew, she'd be devastated. Oink oink.

[surfer2000]

Yes I told her once before and she understood why I did it but did not like it because she was afraid I would want to leave her. She does not know I still do it but she does not ask either.

 

For those who respond and don’t know my situation and don’t know how I treat my wife I am going to ignore your comments since you just don’t get it. I am just trying to be honest here and I could care less if you just want to bash me. I feel this is better than taking my frustration out on her or leaving her. She is very happy and we have a wonderful life. I don’t just go showing off to every woman on the internet or anyone underage. I make sure I know who I am dealing with before they see my photos or me on cam.

[New_Wife]

***Yes I told her once before and she understood why I did it but did not like it ***

 

What more do you need to know? You are knowingly and regularly doing something that causes her pain. Nothing makes the panties dry up faster than that.

 

Edited for moronic spelling error

[surfer2000]

Well I can see I came to the wrong place to get an intelligent response.

[New_Wife]

Because you are not being told what you want to hear it is unintelligent?

 

Is this how you treat your wife's feelings as well?

[surfer2000]

I think you have some anger issues you need to resolve. Thanks for the input.

[shygurl]

Originally posted by surfer2000

Well I can see I came to the wrong place to get an intelligent response.

 

If you came here expecting to get a big gold star for cyber-screwing around on your poor wife, think again. Frankly, I'm not even sure why you're here - you think you're the Husband of the Year, the best lay your wife has ever had, you're proud about showing your weenie to strangers on the net, you haven't indicated you've tried anything constructive to really get to the root of why you're wife isn't into you, and you think you're so justified in what you're doing. So what are you here for again? Is this a discreet way of seeking out willing participants? You should be ashamed of yourself for deceiving your poor wife like this - she likely thinks she has a husband with integrity and class and pride............but instead, you're a cyber-ho. Frankly, you'd be doing her a large favor by leaving her because she deserves a man who's got some real balls, some real morals and a commitment to work on issues in the marriage - she also deserves a real man who's good in the sack.

[TUDOR]

Originally posted by shygurl

If you came here expecting to get a big gold star for cyber-screwing around on your poor wife, think again. Frankly, I'm not even sure why you're here - you think you're the Husband of the Year, the best lay your wife has ever had, you're proud about showing your weenie to strangers on the net, you haven't indicated you've tried anything constructive to really get to the root of why you're wife isn't into you, and you think you're so justified in what you're doing. So what are you here for again? Is this a discreet way of seeking out willing participants? You should be ashamed of yourself for deceiving your poor wife like this - she likely thinks she has a husband with integrity and class and pride............but instead, you're a cyber-ho. Frankly, you'd be doing her a large favor by leaving her because she deserves a man who's got some real balls, some real morals and a commitment to work on issues in the marriage - she also deserves a real man who's good in the sack.

 

 

Nicely put! Your Shygurl title is misleading!

[New_Wife]

Bravo! I agree wholeheartedly. Me and my anger issues will just trot off now to other things

[westernxer]

Originally posted by surfer2000

She is very happy and we have a wonderful life.

 

Obviously, your life isn't that wonderful...

[JadeStar]

Sounds like your post is more of a boasting post that you're getting your rocks off on cam, and the fact you mentioned how well you treat your wife and how much you love is just a bunch of BS. If you really loved her, then you would see to her needs, wheather she has a medical problem of not, then you all need to get into some counseling etc. I'm so glad you feel you're getting your cake and eating it too, but remember what goes around comes around. Karma is a beyotch! I agree with the others too, you can bash me back if you like, its no skin off my back. Everyone has opinons and are entitled to them, but sounds like maybe you didn't get the responses you wanted.

 

 

Jade

[Sal Paradise]

Is this all so bad if no one is getting hurt?

 

She will get hurt. She will find out. You're stealing her self esteem and her life, she deserves a husband who can keep his pecker in his pants. If you can't do that let her find someone who will. You're a horrible husband. Put yourself in her shoes for once and stop thinking about you. Don't be a coward.

 

I would rather have a great sex life with my wife but since I don’t I need to take care of things some way otherwise if I could not I might want to leave her just out of frustration.

 

Everything is about you. Which is fine but don't drag her down with you. Let her find a real man.

 

I keep myself in shape and I am a very likable person so it seems like a waist to not have someone who wants to see me to be sexy expose myself or to flirt with them.

 

Oh you poor thing, I feel for you, really I do, making such sacrifices for your wife......

 

Don't want to waste your life but you don't mind wasting hers. Can you be any more selfish?

 

 

I love the feel of when a woman sees my body for the first time and gets excited.

 

Then you shouldn't be married.

 

Well that is my story and I hope not everyone thinks I am slime

 

Why would anyone think you were slime? Oh wait because you are slime....

 

I am just being honest about my situation.

 

As am I.

 

. I am very interested in her needs

 

If you were interested in her needs you wouldn't be cheating.

 

I have no thought in my mind that I ever want to leave her

 

Leaving would require having a backbone.

 

I still make sure I take care of all her needs and that will always be my #1 priority.

 

Her needs are your number 1 priority? LOLOLOLOLOLOL

 

How can you possibly say that? Are you that dense? How can you say her needs are your number 1 priority when your number 1 priority is your sexual needs. If she was number 1 you wouldn't be cheating. You're delusional and extremely egotistical. No wonder your wife doesn't want to sleep with you. Your head is too far up your rear to see the truth that is right in front of you.

[bab]

I dated a guy once who thought we had the best sex life ever. I tried on numerous occassions to explain to him that I wasn't getting what I needed. He of course did everything, "right". He was always willing to give me oral, and although I enjoyed it, it was monotonous. I got so tired of trying to instruct him, that I gave up, and told him it was great. I did have orgasams, but overall I was bored. My frustration at not getting what I needed only increased, but he thought he was giving me the best sex ever. I loved him, so I let him think that.

 

Then there was the other guy. Out of the blue he could just brush up against me and I was ready to go. I didn't understand why I didn't have this with the man I supossedly loved. Well, stuff progressed physically with the other guy, in secret as he was in a relationship too. We had the same type conversations you had with your female friend. We loved our SO but weren't getting what we needed. We never actually had sex, but it destroyed our relationships. I got more and more disgusted with my boyfriend's lack of turning me on, yet his desire to have sex all the time. Eventually we broke up. He never found out about the other guy, and I actually stopped messing around with the other guy way before we broke up, but it is what killed our relationship.

 

Now I'm engaged to a wonderful man who does think about my needs, listen and does an EXCELLENT job of fufilling them. What I'm trying to say is, think about not only what you are doing, but the fact that it's possible that some guy could come along, brush up on your wife and turn her on. And then things progress, and even though you both "love" each other, both are having affairs. Is that the type of marriage you want? Put your energy into figuring out what will truely satisfy your wife. Still need to relive tension? What happened to good old masturbation? At least then there aren't other human beings involved. Ask your wife to touch your upper body while you masturbate. That way she can be there with you, so you can "show off" as you seem to need to do, but she doesn't have to have sex unless she wants to. I'm sure she'd rather do that then find out that you are still doing things that she has made clear make her uncomfortable.

[SoleMate]

Surfer, I appreciate your honesty and I am sorry that we have not all been constructive.

 

Your needs are real, and valid, and you deserve to have them fulfilled in a safe and decent way. You really do deserve the feeling of having your wife light up when she sees you getting ready to climb into bed with her.

 

Please Google for "marriage builders" and find out about the policy of Radical Honesty. The best person to hear your honesty is your wife. She really does need the information about your sexual and emotional needs. I'm sure there will be some screaming or sullennness when you bring it up, but you are man enough to deal with that and work through it.

 

Sure, what you're doing MIGHT be OK if no one got hurt, but over the long haul, I am afraid that you, your wife, and your marriage cannot fail to be hurt by extramarital sexual activity, OR by failure to meet each other's needs. Satisfying sex brings a married couple much closer, and makes their r/s feel great. Lack of sex makes them feel like roommates, or brother and sister. It's so much less than BOTH of you should be feeling.

 

To say that since she doesn't feel sexy, she does not need to meet your sexual need...that's like saying since you don't feel like working, you don't need to earn a paycheck. Or since I don't feel like scooping kibble, the dog doesn't get fed. In other words, NOT ACCEPTABLE.

 

Please check out the book, The Sex-Starved Marriage by Michele Weiner-Davis.

[RecordProducer]

I don't think I could live with someone without having sex with them. At least not in the next 20 years (I am 30 y.o. now). I would either get divorced or have sex somewhere else. When I am single or now that I am in a long-distance relationship, my days without sex suck, but at least I have hopes or knowledge that it will happen sooner or later. But being condemned to live like a nun I couldn't bear.

I would rather leave my "wonderful" partner than be deprived from a very important physical and emotional need. Sex on aside wouldn't please me either unless I am in love with the person. Only if my spouse was very ill and I couldn't leave him, I could stay with him but I don't know how faithful I would be.

If somebody thinks sex is unimportant, it's their problem. It is for me. I think about sex (when deprived from it) much more than I think about money, my friends, my career or the world disasters. Denying my sexual needs would be like denying my existence, my femininity, and my basic needs for love. Love without sex is as bad as sex without love.

If you can deprive yourself successfully from your basic needs in the name of love then why do so many people have a problem with depriving themselves from food in order to be thin and good-looking for their partners?

Why doesn't the wife "sacrifice" for her husband and give him sex at least once or twice a week? Honestly I wouldn't even be satisfied with any sex. It must be good or the relationship will be doomed.

[Horse]

I'm not going to jump on you and say what you are doing is wrong, but I don't think it will work for long.

It seems like you have some tough decisions to make and this is a way of putting those decisions off.

 

 

Do you really think you will be sexually satisfied with cyber sex for the rest of your life? (I know I couldn't do it)

 

and if you aren't completely satisfied, what will stop this from slowly escalating until you have an affair?

 

Hypothetical: You meet someone in your area. There is an intense physical attraction. She's down with being the other woman. You've already seen her naked online. You chat. You click sexually.

 

If I was only getting some four times a year, that would be really really really really really really hard for me to refuse.

 

or I could wrong.

 

There are better men than me here. Men who were able to go more than 10 years without sex because they love their wife and children, and their sense of honor kept them from straying.

 

Maybe you are one of those guys?

 

Funk that!