shygurl Posted July 14, 2005 Share Posted July 14, 2005 Originally posted by RecordProducer I don't think I could live with someone without having sex with them. At least not in the next 20 years (I am 30 y.o. now). I would either get divorced or have sex somewhere else. When I am single or now that I am in a long-distance relationship, my days without sex suck, but at least I have hopes or knowledge that it will happen sooner or later. But being condemned to live like a nun I couldn't bear. I would rather leave my "wonderful" partner than be deprived from a very important physical and emotional need. Sex on aside wouldn't please me either unless I am in love with the person. Only if my spouse was very ill and I couldn't leave him, I could stay with him but I don't know how faithful I would be. If somebody thinks sex is unimportant, it's their problem. It is for me. I think about sex (when deprived from it) much more than I think about money, my friends, my career or the world disasters. Denying my sexual needs would be like denying my existence, my femininity, and my basic needs for love. Love without sex is as bad as sex without love. If you can deprive yourself successfully from your basic needs in the name of love then why do so many people have a problem with depriving themselves from food in order to be thin and good-looking for their partners? Why doesn't the wife "sacrifice" for her husband and give him sex at least once or twice a week? Honestly I wouldn't even be satisfied with any sex. It must be good or the relationship will be doomed. RP ........ nobody is saying that a person should just put up with "no sex" in their marriage...but #1, we're only hearing HIS side of the story here. We're only hearing him brag about what a great lay he is, how he's the best lover his wife has ever had, how he's the perfect husband, etc etc. I wonder what she'd say? Has he tried to WORK WITH his wife to get to the root cause of her disinterest in sex? - or did he just take the EASY ROUTE here...and look for a fun way to AVOID DEALING WITH THE UNDERLYING PROBLEM and choose spanking the monkey on camera instead? I already asked him to consider the possible reasons his wife isn't interested in sex but he didn't address any of them. Maybe she's got a hormonal imbalance related to menopause? He DID say she had a medical/chemical reason for this but he didn't elaborate further.........does he care? Has he tried to work with his wife to find a solution? Could she be turned off by him because despite what he tells us here about what a super husband he is, maybe he's not? Maybe he's abusive? Maybe he's condescending to her? Maybe he sits on his arse while she does everything in the home, works a full time job, raises the kids? Maybe she's turned off by his hygiene? Maybe he's in terrible shape and she's not physically attracted to him and he refuses to take pride in his appearance? It's WRONG of him to go behind his wife's back (while claiming to love her so much, to make her needs a priority, etc) and betray her like this.............if he's not getting his sexual needs met and he's worked with his wife to get through this then he should a) tell her he's commiting cyber-sexual acts with women online b)divorce her How would you feel, RP, if your boyfriend - who lives off on another continent - was feeling very horny all the time but because you live so far away, yet he had sexual needs, he was doing this same kind of thing............beating off on a webcam to strange women out there.................seems to me that what you've said above, you'd condone this behavior because you'd understand his need for sex and sexual release. How bout them apples? Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted July 14, 2005 Share Posted July 14, 2005 Originally posted by Horse There are better men than me here. Men who were able to go more than 10 years without sex because they love their wife and children, and their sense of honor kept them from straying. Funk that! If some wizard asked me to live without sex for teh rest of my life in order to stop wars and evil, I would agree to it and be proud of myself. But if I had to live my life without a very important emotional and physical component, because my (un)conditionally chosen (by me) partner doesn't feel like it, I would see myself as a fool. Link to post Share on other sites
TUDOR Posted July 14, 2005 Share Posted July 14, 2005 I scream needs, you scream needs....we all have needs! For the record I think the original poster was just here on a fishing expedition and when he didn't get the bites/responses he was hoping the name of this site implies he jumped ship. But by all means continue on, but play nice girls! Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted July 14, 2005 Share Posted July 14, 2005 Originally posted by shygurl How would you feel, RP, if your boyfriend - who lives off on another continent - was feeling very horny all the time but because you live so far away, yet he had sexual needs, he was doing this same kind of thing............beating off on a webcam to strange women out there.................seems to me that what you've said above, you'd condone this behavior because you'd understand his need for sex and sexual release. How bout them apples? I obviously see the world through my eyes only. I already said that I am waiting for him to come and even the thought of it and the fantasy fulfills me emotionally. But if I knew that he simply wasn't interested in sex, I wouldn't be with him. But I can't tell this man to divorce his wife. It has to be his decision. I just don't see why one partner must sacrifice their needs for the other one while the other one doesn't. Regarding counselling, he said she's never had a high sex drive. They can go through counseling and back, but I personally don't think that it will make their non-existent sex life much better. He definitely needs to answer some questions for us such as: 1. How was the sex life before? 2. How old are they?? 3. For how long have they been married? 4. Why doesn't his wife want to have sex? 5. How often do they have sex? 6. What if he told his wife that he needs to be sexually pleased somewhere else? Link to post Share on other sites
Horse Posted July 14, 2005 Share Posted July 14, 2005 Originally posted by RecordProducer If some wizard asked me to live without sex for teh rest of my life in order to stop wars and evil, I would agree to it and be proud of myself. But if I had to live my life without a very important emotional and physical component, because my (un)conditionally chosen (by me) partner doesn't feel like it, I would see myself as a fool. Me too. That's why I think I'm not one of those better guys. I have the ability to abstain for that long, but I don't have the desire. I have one short life. I would consider myself a fool if I lived it in angry, frustrated miserey when there were things that I could do to change my situation. There are things that this guy can do to change his situation. They may be painful in the short-term, but they are better alternative than doing nothing and slapping a cyber porn band-aid on his life. But.. I don't know him. Maybe a band-aid is enough for him. Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted July 14, 2005 Share Posted July 14, 2005 Originally posted by Horse But.. I don't know him. Maybe a band-aid is enough for him. I truly doubt it. I think he is so unsatisfied with his sex life that he thinks it would be enough for him. Just like the hungry people in Africa probably think that if they only had food every day, they'd be perfectly happy. Soon enough he will crave for somebody's touch then for kiss then for more. Link to post Share on other sites
Sal Paradise Posted July 14, 2005 Share Posted July 14, 2005 Infidelity is never justified under any conditions. Sex is important but being honest and faithful is more important. If you can't be either then you should get a divorce. Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted July 14, 2005 Share Posted July 14, 2005 Originally posted by surfer2000 I am a married guy who is very good to his wife but we have no sex life (she has never had the drive) and I have a huge sex drive. I feel bad for you that you are in a sexually dead marriage. It is hard for people to understand the frustration that comes with a situation like this. Not necessarily a need to 'get laid' but a need to feel wanted by your partner again. When's the last time your wife has told you in word or with her body that she 'wants' you? When's the last time she french kissed you, or flirted with you? If someone doesn't feel wanted or needed by their partner, and in fact their partner shuts them out of a cold marriage bed - then who can blame them for craving the attention and eventually looking for it elsewhere if it is not being found in a sexually sterile marriage? Infidelity is not a good path to walk down for your relationship, but I can understand what led you there. As for your W, there are things that she can do on her end too: Has your W talked to you about this? Has your W talked to her doctor about her lack of libido? Has she done anything to address the problem this is causing in your marriage? She has to understand she plays a part in this, too. Is this all so bad if no one is getting hurt? It depends, would it hurt your W if she found out? They say 'what you don't know won't hurt you' but in a case like this, people talk, word gets out - and there is nothing stopping your W from eventually finding out. If she does, will it hurt her? Would it be worth it to see her hurt? Is there a chance she already knows or suspects? Link to post Share on other sites
MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted July 14, 2005 Share Posted July 14, 2005 In many cases (as my own) it becomes a control issue. It sounds as though she controls you by withholding sex (as my exH did). What do you control? Everything else? Then I don't blame her for controlling the sex. However, you're "I'll show her" mentality by going online doesn't resolve the real issues. Link to post Share on other sites
portableversion Posted July 15, 2005 Share Posted July 15, 2005 this sissy-narcissist just wants someone to preen over him, and tell him ALL THE TIME how hot he is...it has nothing to do with sex. Like many busy people, his wife probably doesn't have the time to constantly stroke his ego, whichi is what he wants. wifey could sleep with him everyday, but if she didn't tell him how hot he was a million times a day, he still be looking elsewhere. I've never seen a more pathetic loser than this surferboy. what he needs is a 'mirror mirror on the wall....' Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts