He says "we can't work" because of distance, but?

[Jenmarie]

So I've had this "friend" for about ten years now. We've both turned 26 (I'm f and he's m) and we've been talking on and off throughout the years. We are pretty close. We keep in touch with each other and "spend time" with each other, every day. Throughout the years, we've always acted more than friends, then nothing would come between us because neither of us makes the move and then we would lose contact with each other for a few months then start back up like nothing happened. We would flirt, talk romantically, have fun. I can honestly say he's probably one of my best friends. We have great chemistry and click really well.

 

He told me he had feelings for me a few months back, but I never really talked about it until things got serious. I asked him one night, and he seemed busy so I didn't want to pester him so I left him alone. One night, I asked him what were we? Are we friends? Are we more? I feel like we're too old to be asking these sorts of questions, but he said "we're more but there's not much we can do about it right now." I left it alone and continued doing what we have been. Talks have been getting more serious, and feelings have been getting stronger.

 

So my 26th birthday was a couple days ago, and he texts me randomly with "We can't work, etc etc". I'm completely devastated but I try not to let that show. (While he's texting me, I'm at a bar with my girl friends, and he knows it's my birthday and I'm out). And... he's texting me all of this now? I didn't know what to think. Then he asks "Did I ruin your birthday?" when he's dropping this all on me... Uhmmmmm. Okay??? I acted neutral, I didn't want my night ruined especially when I was out and didn't even tell my friends there was anything wrong.

 

So I get home, and we talk some more and he says "I don't want to hurt you, I don't want to lead you on. Everything I said to you about how I feel for you is real, I care a lot about you and have feelings for you but because of distance, we can't work. I'll be sure to treat you and talk to you like a friend from now on." Fair enough. Some people can do it, some people can't.

 

He proceeds to ask me if I will still be in his life, he says if I choose not to be he'll "understand but it'll hurt." I understand I probably should go into NC at this point, but there's a lot of reasons why I chose not to (mostly about our mutual friends). So, the past two days he has been texting me like more than a friend. For example, I sent him videos of me on snapchat and he told me I looked beautiful, etc etc and he said that playing a video game we play together is the best part of his day. He sends me hearts, etc. He isn't treating me like a friend at all. Today he texted me early in the morning then said "Go back to sleep. I'm sorry I woke you" and a heart emoji. He messaged me the second he got home, wondering what I was doing, etc etc. Like I said, it's really confusing. He said he was going to treat me like a friend, and this isn't what friends do (because we have been "just friends" before).

 

SORRY for the wall of text, but I just need advice. I don't understand why he's doing all of this, etc etc. Any feedback would be great!

[Buddhist]

The only thing that matters the phrase 'we can't work', the why doesn't matter. In his mind he has already made the decision to not be with you. People only want to know the reason so they can argue with the reasoning.

 

He's not interested in being in a romantic relationship with you. Accept it.

[BettyDraper]

Nothing serious has happened if there has only been talking and texting.

 

Since he doesn't want a romantic relationship, it is best for you to move on and find someone who is more accessible and interested.

[Jenmarie]

The only thing that matters the phrase 'we can't work', the why doesn't matter. In his mind he has already made the decision to not be with you. People only want to know the reason so they can argue with the reasoning.

 

He's not interested in being in a romantic relationship with you. Accept it.

 

No, I can accept it clearly if I've been his friend for ten years. I'm not in love with him and have dated people numerous times throughout the years I've known him. This doesn't necessarily sadden me at the point, it confuses me.

 

What I want to know is if he "doesn't want a romantic relationship" in me, then why does he say otherwise with certain things he says? Why does he tell me he has feelings for me and imply romantic topics in our casual conversation? When I don't want a relationship with someone, I'm clear as day. So I kind of expect other people to be. Also, how can I argue with his decision? Lol. You can't argue someone into wanting to be with you. Relationships and love do not work that way. I don't want to know WHY we can't work, he told me. Distance. I want to know why he's still continuing to treat me as his girlfriend when he told me he only wants to be friends.

 

Nothing serious has happened if there has only been talking and texting.

 

Since he doesn't want a romantic relationship, it is best for you to move on and find someone who is more accessible and interested.

 

And no, it hasn't been just "talking" throughout the time I have known him. But you're right, moving on seems like the best option but I just don't see the point of pursuing me in a romantic way then saying we're more than friends if nothing is going to come out of it. That's the whole reasoning of this post.

Edited November 10, 2016 by Jenmarie

[ExpatInItaly]

He likes the attention, probably.

 

My guess is he's met someone locally, and just wants to make sure you know that you two will not ever be a couple. And when she's not giving him attention, he seeks it out from you.

 

I would take a big step away from him. I don't think he has malicious intentions, necessarily, but it's kind of useless to keep this up when it's not going anywhere.

[Els]

He probably does enjoy the flirting etc, but isn't willing to put in the kind of effort needed to make a LDR work. And trust me, when either party feels that way - their LDR will never work. Flirting and texting is fun and easy... but when you want an actual long-distance RELATIONSHIP, it takes a lot more out of you. You need to sacrifice paychecks to visit them. You need to spend your vacation time visiting them. One of you needs to move at the end.

 

Unless you are able to accept this for what it is (casual flirting), I would suggest you hold him at arms' length.

Edited November 10, 2016 by Elswyth

[Jenmarie]

Thank you. The last two opinions were definitely more logical than the first one. Definitely going to be taking that all into effect. Thanks!

[Gr8fuln2020]

I see something here that doesn't add up and worry me regarding you.

 

..."We can't work, etc etc". I'm completely devastated but I try not to let that show.

...and...I'm not in love with him and have dated people numerous times throughout the years I've known him. This doesn't necessarily sadden me at the point, it confuses me.

 

You use a very strong word to describe his email indicating that dating you would not work and then try to convey a non-chalance and then confusion, questioning as to why he communicates in a way that would indicate romantic interest. Your posting here clearly indicates that you are STRONGLY desiring a relationship with him. You like him much more than he likes you....it would appear....

 

I just want to say that with his up-front position which is/was clearly measured, his emails and flattering serve nothing more than to keep you 'interested.' How much of a distance are we talking about?

 

I don't have a good feeling about this guy, really. Yes, you've known him for 10-years and he's probably one of your best friends, but he is sending you, INTENTIONAL MIXED SIGNALS. I would seriously reconsider and re-evaluate your perceptions and move on. If he's really interested, let him come to you. I fear, in the state that you are in, you may be beguiled to make decisions, moves that favor him at your expense.

Edited November 10, 2016 by simpleNfit

[xUnknown]

Hey Jenmarie.

 

I actually went through this same exact thing. I (m) called it quits on Friday with her, though, I didn't want to.

 

Talking on phone, facetime, texting for past 5 months (i've seen her a handfull of times, yes, sex also happened). It was a relationship, just no title to it. She brought up the same thing you did a month and a half back - "what are we?". We decided to roll with it and "see where things go" (her idea). While I was still confused, I just figured, 'if it was meant to happen, it'll happen'. Now recently, she's been having that confusion that I just had (what does 'see where things go' mean if we obviously care about each other). We were only 2 hours away from each other, so it wasn't even that bad of a distance. She would flake on visiting because she said she knows seeing me is just going to cause her to like me more and lead us both on more.

 

Long and short of it, is she can't commit. I'm not sure how far away you are from him, but the point still remains. I was starting to fall for this girl, I think she was for me also. She told me the same thing your guy said - wants to still talk and remain friends. I said disagreed because then we both end up hurt. I left it as "if you want to hang out or see me, let me know, there is no point on me reaching out when all you've done was back out of plans."

 

Essentially, move on. Sucks to say, but I agree with the previous poster where he mentioned it seemed you have strong feelings for him. You'll only hurt yourself more if you don't. Perhaps reach out when you know you can both be friends.