My journey to for better tomorrow...

[Protec]

You should read your other, long thread about your relationship. Then you'll remember why she is terrified of you.

 

I'm concerned. Still contacting her and obsessing about her? Wildly rewriting history? Clearly you are not on a good track with your treatment.

 

Come to think of it, why not print out that other thread and bring it to your therapist?

 

I have talked about every thing i have written here with my therapist who is a woman. And i have told her even what i have written.

 

I am not constantly contacting her. I have sent her 3 emails and 1 xmas card during 4 months now.

 

And for your knowlegde, i am not a violent person. I am not a wifebeater.

 

To quote my therapist

 

"You really don't seem like a violent person at all, on the contrary, you seem very much the opposite. I cannot even imagine you doing such things you tell me. What I think what happened is that she put you "against the wall" so to speak. She abused and manipulated you so much, there is a limit person can take. And every single human being will at some point lose their temper. There is no such human on this earth."

 

I am on a very good track with my therapist but they cannot do miracles. It's not like they reprogram me instantly. 45 minutes in a week is not much.

 

I just wanted to fix the relationship between me and my ex. That's all.

The emails i have sent to her are very well thought and written. i have no reason to hurt my ex in any way. All i wanted is to fix the relationship between us so i could maybe be at peace. It really bothers me if she thinks i am bloodthirsty murderer which i am not.

 

Eh. Why do i even write here. All you do is make me feel worse and feel like i am some kind of a monster.

[Protec]

You should read your other, long thread about your relationship. Then you'll remember why she is terrified of you.

 

I'm concerned. Still contacting her and obsessing about her? Wildly rewriting history? Clearly you are not on a good track with your treatment.

 

Come to think of it, why not print out that other thread and bring it to your therapist?

 

You really think i don't remember what she has done and i have done?

 

You don't know me. You don't know anything about me. If you have nothing constructive to say, shut up. you remind me of my school bullies.

[NuevoYorko]

 

You don't know me. You don't know anything about me. If you have nothing constructive to say, shut up. you remind me of my school bullies.

Yikes. Ok, I do have something constructive to say, though dozens of other people have said it on your other post:

 

Don't contact that poor young woman again. Leave her alone.

 

I wish you all the best and hope you succeed in getting the type of help you need.

[VeveCakes]

And for your knowlegde, i am not a violent person. I am not a wifebeater.

 

I just wanted to fix the relationship between me and my ex. That's all.

The emails i have sent to her are very well thought and written. i have no reason to hurt my ex in any way. All i wanted is to fix the relationship between us so i could maybe be at peace. It really bothers me if she thinks i am bloodthirsty murderer which i am not.

 

Eh. Why do i even write here. All you do is make me feel worse and feel like i am some kind of a monster.

 

Please don't play the victim card. We are trying to help and prevent you from making the same bad choices!

 

You are violent, you broke into your exs house, and you hit her. If you can't even admit that, you will never grow.

 

There is no relationship with your ex. You need to leave her in the past.

[Haydn]

None of this is about her.

 

She is scared of you.

 

It`s about you, just you.

[keiji]

Protec, nobody is accusing you of anything but trying to help despite of the fact that you never listen. People have been incredibly patient and you should be thankful instead of shooting the messenger.

 

As per your standards, your actions are perhaps non-violent, but maybe they are for the rest of us. If someone has always slapped his girlfriend whenever an argument arose but has kept it down to "mere" name-calling in his last relationship, he'll probably think he's become the sweetest boyfriend ever.

 

Your story speaks of aggressiveness driven by desperation and cruel mind-games. That doesn't make you a monster, but your reactions are not OK. They're not.

 

As someone said already, playing the victimized card is dishonest and, believe it or not, detrimental for you. I felt a very deep resentment towards my ex-girlfriend until I calmed down and realized I had been a jerk to her from day one. I learned a very simple and important lesson. You have a chance to do the same, unless you keep blaming outside forces for all your wrongdoings, of course.

[Protec]

I have never hit anyone in my life, expect my friend when we were kids. I know it was not ok to hit her. I never even wanted to.

 

It was a reaction caused by so much stress. I did not play the mind games, it was her who played them. constantly playing around with my head. At one moment i was the most amazing man, few days later she had new man, then again later i was the light of her life. Until suddenly she again had several new men. And so on. It was literally mental torture towards me. I know i am not the only man who has been under such abuse.

 

And unfortunately i was too weak to leave. I have twisted image about her in my head. In my mind she was always this "mentally ill woman, who i need to save. My love can fix her". But i just shot myself inthe leg. My love just made her abuse stronger. I allowed her to do that, i was so afraid i don't "trigger" her in any way i became a doormat. Knowing she was ill, i just wanted to please her in every way possible.

 

I felt horrible inside. I wanted out but i had no idea how. I felt like if i leave i betray her, i betray myself. I wanted just to love her and make her better. But i had no idea how. She did what she wanted, when she wanted, with whom she wanted. I had no control over her. And every time she went to "girls night" i was afraid that will she ever come back.

 

knowing her history of havin almost hundred different men in her life i was jealous. She always talked in the manner she could have any man, at any moment. And i guess she proved that to me by suddenly leaving the country and cheating me. And when she came back she dates several guys at once.

 

I couldn't even cheat anyone because i have hard enough time to find even one woman i am attracted to sexually and mentally. Unfurtunately she was the one I chose. But i don't regret it, since we had some absolutely fine moments together.

 

I blame myself. Every darn day i think "what if I...." Guilt i have on my shoulders, and i know i wasn't the only one to blame. My therapist is specialized in couples therapy, i have talked about her about these things and she is on my side. I was the normal one in that relationship. Thankfully.

 

I am not that good that i can fool therapist or psychiatrist. I told her the stories how she treated me. You know what my therapist answered? "That kind of behaviour is just insane. Normal people don't act like that"

 

Yes it was. INSANE. And during the time when i was in realationship with her, i started to doubt my own sanity. Maybe i was the mentally ill afterall? Maybe it was me all along. She manipulated me so well, making me believe i am crazy, i am illogical and irrational. But it was the opposite all the time. More i tried to explain with reasoning and logic to my ex, more angry she got. As her reality was bit different than mine. Rules of my world did not apply to hers. What was sane to me was insane to her and vice verca.

 

In her world it was completely normal to say one day to me that i am the love of her life, and few days later notice me with a text message she has found new love.

 

To me it was insane. Thankfully, my therapist agreed. Normal, considerate people do not act like that. They don't dissappear suddenly, they don't put you through a rollercoaster of hell.

 

I WAS a victim, you like it or not. A man can be victim too. Just like women are victims of narcissist people, i was a victim of mentally ill, highly narcissistic woman.

 

YES. I had ability to "dodge". I just had no idea how. She got me good. And that is why i blame myself.

[keiji]

You are a victim of someone that shoots you in the chest with a revolver. I don't buy that, sorry. I know it's hard to stand up and say "enough is enough", but victimization won't get you anywhere, and you're clinging to it. You're responsible for your acts, and those include putting up with her attitudes and actions. And you hit her. Period. It's not like she murdered your whole family in a concentration camp, but you hit her anyway, instead of walking away and keeping your distance. It doesn't look like you've learnt a lesson. You prefer excuses.

[Protec]

You are a victim of someone that shoots you in the chest with a revolver. I don't buy that, sorry. I know it's hard to stand up and say "enough is enough", but victimization won't get you anywhere, and you're clinging to it. You're responsible for your acts, and those include putting up with her attitudes and actions. And you hit her. Period. It's not like she murdered your whole family in a concentration camp, but you hit her anyway, instead of walking away and keeping your distance. It doesn't look like you've learnt a lesson. You prefer excuses.

 

I am responsible for my acts. But why there are therapists then who SPECIALIZE in treating victims of narcissist people?

 

I trust the analysis of my therapist and psychiatrist more. Sorry. They know me personally. I have told them all the same stories and even more.

[Protec]

I prayed last night. I have done wrong to people who are closest to me. I have hurt people i love, i have hurt them mentally and physically. I have hurt myself too mentally and physiccally. Drinking alcohol and doing reckless things without any idea what it might cause.

 

I need to find the light again. I just have to be strong. I am under serious stress. I can barely sleep because people upstairs make so much noise all the time.

 

I need to find my old self.

[VeveCakes]

I am responsible for my acts. But why there are therapists then who SPECIALIZE in treating victims of narcissist people?

 

I trust the analysis of my therapist and psychiatrist more. Sorry. They know me personally. I have told them all the same stories and even more.

 

Yes but you are not always honest here so perhaps they are not getting the whole picture...

 

Your best step forward is to stop thinking about your ex period. Stop thinking she had you fooled. You were just as much as a part of that destructive relationship was as she was. You need to realize you both were wrong for each other without finger pointing that she is the "bad lady" who got you.

[Protec]

I had a job interview. I think it went pretty well and was very happy when i left. I REALLY REALLY REALLY hope i get the job.

 

I need to get out of here. The place where i live is horrible. Neigbour upstairs make noise all the time so i can't sleep properly, and the other neighbour is smoking every 15 mins and all the smoke comes in from the air-intake hole.

 

I am so stressed about this apartment. This doesn't feel like home anymore.

 

I really want that job. Also i talked with a nice woman there at the interview. She was very cute and i noticed that i can actually talk with unknown people if they are on the same wavelenght with me. Too bad i did not ask her out...

 

Anyway. I really really really want that job. PLEASE GOD LET ME HAVE IT.

[Protec]

YES!

 

This is the best monday i've probably ever had! I got the job, and i got letter from prosecutor and the charges are dropped because she didn't want any money and because we were still friends after the incident!

 

I'm FREE! Now i can finally start planning my life! I have permanent job and from now on steady income.

 

This is absolutely great!

 

But i will keep going to therapy. But this is absolutely awesome news to me

[VeveCakes]

Congrats Protec.

 

Keep the positivity flowing now....it will roll with you and changes will happen for the better. Good luck at your new job.

[Lilyana76]

Congrats on getting the job. keep moving forward!

[Protec]

Congrats on getting the job. keep moving forward!

 

 

Thank you! I will

[Protec]

Congrats Protec.

 

Keep the positivity flowing now....it will roll with you and changes will happen for the better. Good luck at your new job.

 

Thanks VeveCakes I try my best.

 

Only thing that bothers me is that almost every night i see beatiful dreams about my ex :/ We always have fun in dreams, we travel to different places and do different things. They are not sexual dreams, but more like "hanging out with your best friend"-fun.

 

and still i have this feeling that something is missing. Only thing i can imagine is love. I have friends, now i have a job, i have great family, i have hobbies, only thing i miss is love.

Edited January 31, 2017 by Protec

[Protec]

I need some serious advice how i can get over my ex.

 

During this time i have tried:

 

-Exercise

-Playing video games

-Watching movies

-Hanging out with friends

-Reading

-Going to therapy

-Talking with new women (online)

-Flirting with women (smile, eyecontact- Real life)

 

I am getting my confidence back, little by little. But why on earth i see dreams about my ex almost every night? And when i talk with women, it's just not the same than with my ex.

 

I feel lonely. I am so lonely all the time. I don't feel "connected" anymore. It's like as i told my therapist, i am a Wi-Fi link, i see all these connections outside me, but i cannot connect. I am broken wifi-link.

 

It's this feeling of loneliness. I can manage this better than right after breakup, but i miss that connection. This is terrible.

 

I am planning moving on a new apartment, finally getting my life started (so to speak). I know that job i got will not most likely be my final job. Deep inside me i know i can do better than be a "Home Depot" clerk.

 

Why cannot i feel connected to other people? Why i feel lonely all the time? I don't even feel connected to my family members. There has been few rare people during my life i have felt connected to. My ex was one of those rare people.

 

I don't like it. I want to enjoy my life. But it feels i cannot do anything alone, only few things like Gym and running where i don't even want anyone to be with me. But like travelling alone feels impossible. Even going to movies alone seems strange.

 

Darn. Well. I have my first workday tomorrow. I am bit nervous and excited. Maybe this is finally a start of a new journey. New life.

[Protec]

Oh no.

 

No journey for me. Unfortunately the new job causes some severe allergies in me. I am a salesperson / clerk and i have ot handle plastics etc. and i get some god awful reactions from those. I do have some type of chemical sensitivity. Some cleaning fluids, new furniture, new plastics, new carpets...etc cause some severe reactions in me.

 

I am trapped again. Holy god i don't know what i am going to do anymore.

[Protec]

Maybe i am depressed afterall? Could that be it? I mean i should be dancing and singing for having a job....all i can thing of is that my life is over.

 

...i hate this. i have no idea how to control it.