28-yo Virgin; Feel like time is running out

[TopKnot]

Where do I even begin? I was a happy kid growing up until high school hit and I withdrew socially for fear of judgment and rejection and that attitude I have carried until now. I went through college and grad school without ever even kissing a girl (I'm a guy btw). I turned to porn to release my sexual frustrations and it has been enough to keep me demotivated from addressing the root problem.

 

I just moved to a new city after graduating and now know virtually no one. This jarring transition has made me realize that I'm 28 with no sexual/relationship experience and even some stunted social skills. I had an almost psychotic episode of severe anxiety and depression, which I'm now trying to fight with therapy, self-help books, NoFap (online porn-quitting community/movement), and support from family/friends.

 

Where do I start? I'm afraid no women would want to date me since my inexperience would be would be unattractive. Do I reveal that I'm a virgin if I get beyond third base on a date? Can I still catch up to my peers? I'm totally scared and lost.

[confusedgirlfriend11]

You sound incredible negative. Yes your situation is a little different from the 'norm' but that doesn't make it a bad thing.

 

 

Sort your anxiety problems out first and then start building on your confidence.

 

 

I worry any rejection you receive (which you will as we all receive it!) will cripple you.

 

 

Start trying to socialise more. Get a hobby, start exercising or maybe get a pet.

 

 

Lack of experience shouldn't put a good person off you. If someone says it's bad, then they are not the right person for you.

 

 

When it comes to sex, it doesn't matter how many people you've slept with, every new sexual partner is different. What the last person liked, might be a complete turn off for the next. You learn what each other like together.

 

 

Hope I've been able to help a little.

[mushroomlol]

Did you have any dates before?

[MJJean]

Can you "catch up" to your peers? Truthfully, no. They had experiences during phases of their adolescence and for about a decade into adulthood that you did not have. From those experiences, they learned much about meeting, dating, mating, sexuality (theirs and their partners),bonding, and detaching. You can still learn these lessons, but you'll be doing it much later and it simply won't be the same as if you'd had those experiences when you were younger.

 

I, personally, wouldn't date a virgin. I am not every woman. Some women are turned on by the idea of taking a man's virginity. Some women are religious and are searching for a virgin to date and perhaps marry. If you are a bit mentally and socially immature, maybe you would have good luck dating women who are about 5-7 years younger than you and who may be relatively inexperienced themselves and therefore more willing to accept your inexperience.

 

If I were you, I'd tell the women you are interested in early on. When I was a teen, I had sex with a virgin. The problem was that I didn't know he was a virgin until afterward. Had he told me he was a virgin I wouldn't have done it. Still kinda icked out and angry with him to this day and it's been more than a decade! So, be honest!

 

Porn sex =/= actual sex for most people.

 

How much do you know about real world sex?

 

Do you know how to recognize the signs of female physical arousal and orgasm?

 

Have you given thought to kinks? Pegging, BDSM in various forms, group sex, etc? Are you interested in exploring kinks or do you think your tastes are more vanilla?

 

Sexual compatibility is important in a relationship. Very important for a lot of people. You'll need to figure out your sexuality to know if you are compatible with women you date.

 

Have you considered hiring an escort to relieve you of your virginity and to give you some lessons or are you more into saving your virginity for a loving and committed relationship?

[elaine567]

Where do I even begin? I was a happy kid growing up until high school hit and I withdrew socially for fear of judgment and rejection and that attitude I have carried until now..

 

What happened then, to catapult you from being well adjusted and happy to being socially withdrawn?

[No_Go]

I think that's quite a harsh post. I partially agree that it will be different, but he can and will catch up. Sexuality is very instinctive, I think most people 'train' fast and it is probably better to have less experience knowing what you're doing than drunken hookups teaching you nothing.

 

My experience: I was close to OP's age (27) when I had my first kiss, sex etc. I literally haven't interacted with men before, and sexually - it went with zero problems. I dare to say I've tried more and had more sex than people that started decade earlier. The trick was I found a very experience partner - he was leading; but also I was VERY comfortable and confident with my own body.

 

Socially - it is harder. I had some negative relationship experiences that would have never happened if I understood men's psychology better and that unfortunately comes with practice.

 

I've had a BF that stayed virgin till his late 30s - partially religious, partially social issues. We had issues in the relationship coming from his lack of experience, but surprisingly - sex was not one of these. Actually he was much better than my experienced partners before him... And boy, we had so much sex I think for 1.5 years we haven't skipped a day, initially it was 3-4 times a night. I think as late-starters we were overly enthusiastic.

 

Another guy that I briefly dated: we was a late-20s virgin ... We never passed the physical barrier (even kissing). He was just not confident- he was scared and it showed

 

So IME - sexually - it is easy to catch up IF you realize it is basic bodily function and nothing to be scared from, socially - it will be more challenging .

 

Can you "catch up" to your peers? Truthfully, no. They had experiences during phases of their adolescence and for about a decade into adulthood that you did not have. From those experiences, they learned much about meeting, dating, mating, sexuality (theirs and their partners),bonding, and detaching. You can still learn these lessons, but you'll be doing it much later and it simply won't be the same as if you'd had those experiences when you were younger.

 

I, personally, wouldn't date a virgin. I am not every woman. Some women are turned on by the idea of taking a man's virginity. Some women are religious and are searching for a virgin to date and perhaps marry. If you are a bit mentally and socially immature, maybe you would have good luck dating women who are about 5-7 years younger than you and who may be relatively inexperienced themselves and therefore more willing to accept your inexperience.

 

If I were you, I'd tell the women you are interested in early on. When I was a teen, I had sex with a virgin. The problem was that I didn't know he was a virgin until afterward. Had he told me he was a virgin I wouldn't have done it. Still kinda icked out and angry with him to this day and it's been more than a decade! So, be honest!

 

Porn sex =/= actual sex for most people.

 

How much do you know about real world sex?

 

Do you know how to recognize the signs of female physical arousal and orgasm?

 

Have you given thought to kinks? Pegging, BDSM in various forms, group sex, etc? Are you interested in exploring kinks or do you think your tastes are more vanilla?

 

Sexual compatibility is important in a relationship. Very important for a lot of people. You'll need to figure out your sexuality to know if you are compatible with women you date.

 

Have you considered hiring an escort to relieve you of your virginity and to give you some lessons or are you more into saving your virginity for a loving and committed relationship?

[WomenWubber]

You should be honest with your dates, but honestly I don't think you should be dating right now. Dating is serious business despite what everyone tells you, not a very fun experience.

 

Get a hobby, make some friends and have them lend you a hand concering your sexual inexperience. Go out and party hard. If you are not picky about how or with who you lose your virginity, the opportunity will present itself. Seize the day man.

[No_Go]

Just to add:

 

1) You'd be shocked how many people go through college and grad school without any experiences like you, at least in my field. I was scared to leave the lab before my thesis got submitted ... and I was not alone.

 

2) Go to OLD immediately. Approach as many women as you can to learn how to date. The rest will come naturally if you learn to be confident with your dates. Being in new city is a great opportunity - you can start clean. Haha, I had to change continents to overcome my fears from dating and I was right around your age.

 

Where do I even begin? I was a happy kid growing up until high school hit and I withdrew socially for fear of judgment and rejection and that attitude I have carried until now. I went through college and grad school without ever even kissing a girl (I'm a guy btw). I turned to porn to release my sexual frustrations and it has been enough to keep me demotivated from addressing the root problem.

 

I just moved to a new city after graduating and now know virtually no one. This jarring transition has made me realize that I'm 28 with no sexual/relationship experience and even some stunted social skills. I had an almost psychotic episode of severe anxiety and depression, which I'm now trying to fight with therapy, self-help books, NoFap (online porn-quitting community/movement), and support from family/friends.

 

Where do I start? I'm afraid no women would want to date me since my inexperience would be would be unattractive. Do I reveal that I'm a virgin if I get beyond third base on a date? Can I still catch up to my peers? I'm totally scared and lost.

[TheTraveler]

When you make it to 3rd base and go for the home run, do not tell her. Just do it!

[No_Go]

Dating is serious business despite what everyone tells you, not a very fun experience. Why so negative ? He's new to town, what better time than now to date? At worst he'll boost his confidence a bit and make some new friends eventually. At best he'll get a GF or at least an ONS.

 

Go out and party hard This will probably work for extroverts, but from what he describes... He's definitely not one. I personally broke the dating / sex barrier MUCH easier than my aversion to parties and groups . Dating, even dating leading to nowhere, is one-on-one experience so for less outgoing people is less intimidating than say clubs. I'm just giving the perspective of an introvert, I'm sure your advice will held if he likes going out.

 

You should be honest with your dates, but honestly I don't think you should be dating right now. Dating is serious business despite what everyone tells you, not a very fun experience.

 

Get a hobby, make some friends and have them lend you a hand concering your sexual inexperience. Go out and party hard. If you are not picky about how or with who you lose your virginity, the opportunity will present itself. Seize the day man.

[TheTraveler]

Dating is serious business despite what everyone tells you, not a very fun experience. Why so negative ? He's new to town, what better time than now to date? At worst he'll boost his confidence a bit and make some new friends eventually. At best he'll get a GF or at least an ONS.

 

Go out and party hard This will probably work for extroverts, but from what he describes... He's definitely not one. I personally broke the dating / sex barrier MUCH easier than my aversion to parties and groups . Dating, even dating leading to nowhere, is one-on-one experience so for less outgoing people is less intimidating than say clubs. I'm just giving the perspective of an introvert, I'm sure your advice will held if he likes going out.

 

Agree dating is "serious" business:lmao:

 

And definitely agree he should be dating right now. If I was the OP join a couple online dating sites and mention it in your profile you're new to the area.

 

And no woman is going to know whether you slept with zero girls or a thousand. They have no clue so do not bother focusing on it. Have fun with it all and wrap it up when you finally hit that HR

Edited November 10, 2016 by TheTraveler

[No_Go]

Oh, and also join 'New to town' Meetup groups. They are not technically a dating site but that's the purpose and everybody knows it. It could be a little less intimidating to meet people that way.

 

If OP was a woman, I'd say go for an experienced guy and let him lead. For a guy - I think it is better to go to another less experienced woman. Then she'll be scared herself and will likely never know OP was a virgin unless he tells her.

 

There are plenty women in mid-late 20s with similar path like OP, it is just more specific demographics. STEM grad students, in general higher-educated women, women from more conservative countries (e.g. East Asians, Indians etc), certain religious groups (e.g. Christians church groups)... Target these (select those you find appealing obviously),

[TopKnot]

What happened then, to catapult you from being well adjusted and happy to being socially withdrawn?

 

Not sure. I was raised by strict Asian parents and nothing was ever good enough. They are chill now (realized after living in the States for 20+ years that they didn't come here for me to make money; we came here to be happy), but the damage is done. I have zero self-esteem and even though objectively, I have an average-looking face, slightly above-average build (I go to the gym regularly and eat right), average-height, and average lifestyle, I feel like I'm the least dateable person on the planet. I'm fine making friends (although I struggle to assert myself and be socially attractive), but women have always seemed impossible (I've never gotten any signs of interest from a women).

 

So TLDR, the judgmental tendency of high school and my parents turned me a flaming wreck of low self-esteem. I honestly don't like myself and find my appearance and personality repulsive. The crazy thing is I know I shouldn't and that it's all in my head, but it just doesn't seem to change how I feel.

[TopKnot]

I think that's quite a harsh post. I partially agree that it will be different, but he can and will catch up. Sexuality is very instinctive, I think most people 'train' fast and it is probably better to have less experience knowing what you're doing than drunken hookups teaching you nothing.

 

My experience: I was close to OP's age (27) when I had my first kiss, sex etc. I literally haven't interacted with men before, and sexually - it went with zero problems. I dare to say I've tried more and had more sex than people that started decade earlier. The trick was I found a very experience partner - he was leading; but also I was VERY comfortable and confident with my own body.

 

Socially - it is harder. I had some negative relationship experiences that would have never happened if I understood men's psychology better and that unfortunately comes with practice.

 

I've had a BF that stayed virgin till his late 30s - partially religious, partially social issues. We had issues in the relationship coming from his lack of experience, but surprisingly - sex was not one of these. Actually he was much better than my experienced partners before him... And boy, we had so much sex I think for 1.5 years we haven't skipped a day, initially it was 3-4 times a night. I think as late-starters we were overly enthusiastic.

 

Another guy that I briefly dated: we was a late-20s virgin ... We never passed the physical barrier (even kissing). He was just not confident- he was scared and it showed

 

So IME - sexually - it is easy to catch up IF you realize it is basic bodily function and nothing to be scared from, socially - it will be more challenging .

 

Thanks for the re-assuring post. I objectively know that it isn't too late, but I fear that my anxiety about it all will cripple me moving forward. I'm seeing a therapist for depression and anxiety, but it isn't helping and the more I think about it, the worse it gets.

 

It is precisely the social aspect that scares me. My self-esteem is nowhere close to being ready for this as it seems.

[palmsand]

How is your contact with women in general? You should start scoping out female friends and acquaintances to look for opportunities. Try to find out who is single, who you really connect with emotionally, etc. In addition to expanding your social circle to include as many opportunities as possible.

 

 

Don't be nervous about the moment when it comes, and all the little things that happen on the way there. You will feel when the moment is right for say, a kiss, or whatever. Just remain conscious of where both of you are emotionally, and don't sweat the small stuff.

[Sweetfish]

Not sure. I was raised by strict Asian parents and nothing was ever good enough. They are chill now (realized after living in the States for 20+ years that they didn't come here for me to make money; we came here to be happy), but the damage is done. I have zero self-esteem and even though objectively, I have an average-looking face, slightly above-average build (I go to the gym regularly and eat right), average-height, and average lifestyle, I feel like I'm the least dateable person on the planet. I'm fine making friends (although I struggle to assert myself and be socially attractive), but women have always seemed impossible (I've never gotten any signs of interest from a women).

 

So TLDR, the judgmental tendency of high school and my parents turned me a flaming wreck of low self-esteem. I honestly don't like myself and find my appearance and personality repulsive. The crazy thing is I know I shouldn't and that it's all in my head, but it just doesn't seem to change how I feel.

 

I think your biting off more than you can chew...

 

Start by finding male friends...

 

If you can't talk to the same sex comfortably and hold a conversation it will be hard the opposite.

 

And I mean men who are sociable and good with women.

[GravityMan]

OP, I think you being "behind the curve" socially (both in terms of social skills and in your lack of friends) is a bigger concern than your sexual inexperience. It's difficult to maintain attraction and progress very far in dating if you're not socially competent and at least somewhat self-confident. You don't have to be flawless socially (nobody is), but you should get to a point where you're comfortable communicating verbally and non-verbally, holding a conversation, showing your sense of humor, recognizing cues, etc in a natural way around both women and men. While I disagree with those who suggested that you outright avoid dating (after all, a promising dating opportunity may unexpectedly cross your path next week or next month), I do think you should put a higher priority on just meeting people in general and building your social circle, as well as working on your self-esteem.

 

Dating is serious business despite what everyone tells you, not a very fun experience.

 

I think that is...extreme. Sure, it's wise to keep an eye out for warning signs and exercise good judgment during the date. And some degree of seriousness from time to time is good. But it's also important if both people can relax, laugh and enjoy the moment.

 

Some slight initial nervousness and tension is normal, but if both people can't loosen up a bit and have fun in each other's presence, then it's almost a sure bet that the date will not go well.

 

It's difficult for an emotional connection to form if one or both people are overly serious and/or guarded.

 

If date after date with person after person constantly feels draining and exhausting, then something's wrong... he/she probably should do some introspection.

[TopKnot]

So I think I should provide better context here. I'm not socially retarded despite my clear lack of self-esteem and self-love. I have formed great friendships throughout grad school and college although the number of friends I have are limited.

 

My issue is that I'm afraid to turn conversations sexual. I feel unattractive and thus have never made any attempts at flirting. My interactions with women are painfully platonic and I don't know how to get over my fear of rejection and show some intent.

[Sweetfish]

So I think I should provide better context here. I'm not socially retarded despite my clear lack of self-esteem and self-love. I have formed great friendships throughout grad school and college although the number of friends I have are limited.

 

My issue is that I'm afraid to turn conversations sexual. I feel unattractive and thus have never made any attempts at flirting. My interactions with women are painfully platonic and I don't know how to get over my fear of rejection and show some intent.

 

no one is saying that...the problem is you made friends in convenient situation. Can you make friends who are not a work, college, or school.

 

to get a girl you dont need to have sexual conversation at all.

[ZA Dater]

Can you "catch up" to your peers? Truthfully, no. They had experiences during phases of their adolescence and for about a decade into adulthood that you did not have. From those experiences, they learned much about meeting, dating, mating, sexuality (theirs and their partners),bonding, and detaching. You can still learn these lessons, but you'll be doing it much later and it simply won't be the same as if you'd had those experiences when you were younger.

 

I, personally, wouldn't date a virgin. I am not every woman. Some women are turned on by the idea of taking a man's virginity. Some women are religious and are searching for a virgin to date and perhaps marry. If you are a bit mentally and socially immature, maybe you would have good luck dating women who are about 5-7 years younger than you and who may be relatively inexperienced themselves and therefore more willing to accept your inexperience.

 

If I were you, I'd tell the women you are interested in early on. When I was a teen, I had sex with a virgin. The problem was that I didn't know he was a virgin until afterward. Had he told me he was a virgin I wouldn't have done it. Still kinda icked out and angry with him to this day and it's been more than a decade! So, be honest!

 

Porn sex =/= actual sex for most people.

 

How much do you know about real world sex?

 

Do you know how to recognize the signs of female physical arousal and orgasm?

 

Have you given thought to kinks? Pegging, BDSM in various forms, group sex, etc? Are you interested in exploring kinks or do you think your tastes are more vanilla?

 

Sexual compatibility is important in a relationship. Very important for a lot of people. You'll need to figure out your sexuality to know if you are compatible with women you date.

 

Have you considered hiring an escort to relieve you of your virginity and to give you some lessons or are you more into saving your virginity for a loving and committed relationship?

 

OP take the above with a huge bag of salt.

 

 

I am 32yo virgin. Look to improve who you are and how you feel about yourself and leave the stigma at the door. The greatest strides you can make are improving how you feel about yourself and how you interact with others.

[preraph]

Now, don't get in too big a hurry. You're doing just what you need to be doing right now, which is working on yourself. You need to get yourself on a solid foundation through therapy and meds before you are really able to date. So give it at least a year of really concentrating on therapy and following your doctors orders and taking your meds exactly as prescibed and reporting any ill effects or positive effects to your doctor regularly before you worry about trying to find someone.

 

Once you feel less anxious and depressed, maybe you will just organically start feeling like doing new activities and taking part in things and just naturally meet someone once you are living that type of healthy social lifestyle. Good luck. I commend you for seeking professional help on all fronts. you're on the right track.

[Inflikted]

I don't really have any advice or helpful input, but I can relate to a lot of the problems you're having, and if nothing else, perhaps by reading my own thoughts and perceptions on the matter, you might at least take solace in the fact that you're not as bad off as I am.

 

Like you, I'm very close to 28, and I've never even been on a date with a girl, let alone done anything physical, whether that be kissing or more. And to an extent, I can understand why. I quite literally have absolutely nothing to offer to a girl. Despite how that sounds, I don't say that from a place of sadness or depression, it's simply factual information. I'm physically unappealing, and not even for reasons that I can change (such as weight). I have a dreadfully boring and dull personality. I'm not particularly intelligent or well-versed in anything. I'm not funny or charming. There's nothing interesting or unique about me. I have a bottom of the barrel job/ income, and after I failed to break into my industry of choice after college, I've been unable to find a new, better career path for myself. And with my current income, I can't even afford to move out of my parents' house. So, there's no reason whatsoever that a girl should have any interest in me.

 

On top of that, while people say that a good partner won't be put off by their partner's lack of experience, I'm of the opinion that I don't really want to have to put another person through my awkwardness and ineptitude. You can get away with that in your early and mid 20s, but once you get to late 20s and beyond, it's not so "cute" anymore. Maybe a good person would tolerate their prospective partner being awkward and weird for a bit, but I don't want someone to have to "tolerate" and "put up" with my inefficiencies. I don't want to meet a nice girl and then have her see what an awkward and inept "date" I am. I don't want to date someone for a bit and then put them through the uncomfortable scenario of trying to have sex with someone that has no idea what they're doing. It just seems so unpleasant, and I can't fathom the idea of me putting someone in that situation. That's the last thing I want, is to make someone else's life unpleasant, uncomfortable, or awkward.

 

The big difference between me and you, OP, is that you say you can connect with people and form friendships. And if that's true, I don't think you have much to really worry about. Even if all the connections you've made have been platonic, you can still connect, and connecting is key. Me, I'm not "wired" the same way a normal person is for connecting and socializing. I'm completely unable to have a personal connection with another person, whether platonic or otherwise. I just don't have the mental capacity for it. And that's why I know I'll always be alone. Which, again, I don't say from a place of depression or anything like that. While that notion has pained me over the years, I've come to terms with it and have made peace with it. You, however, will most likely be fine. If you can connect with people like a normal person, all you really need is to meet the right person, be in the right place at the right time, and have the right pieces fall into place for you.

[MJJean]

OP take the above with a huge bag of salt.

 

 

I am 32yo virgin. Look to improve who you are and how you feel about yourself and leave the stigma at the door. The greatest strides you can make are improving how you feel about yourself and how you interact with others.

 

Oh-kaay.

 

Look, most people I know have been having sex since they were 16. They've dated, fallen in love, had their ONS's, got the group thing out of the way in various permutations, and have spent more than a decade during various developmental phases developing skill and technique both sexually and socially.

 

In OPs age group, most women expect a certain level of experience, technique, and skill that he simply doesn't have.

[Herbalist]

You will just be riding the second wave, OP, but there are multiple waves, so don't worry about it.

 

There's the first wave some people date a lot and even get married in their early to mid 20s, then a bunch of them get divorced and are back in the dating world for Round 2 or the second 'wave' along with everyone who hasn't dated a lot and/or married yet. There is yet another wave that comes after that where there are plenty of people nearing or in their middle age years who are back in the dating world.

 

So it's definitely not like you missed your 'chance' as the instinct to mate is extremely powerful and just keeps going and going throughout all of life.

 

As far as being socially and sexually inexperienced, well hey welcome to the club lol. There are millions of people out there with social hurdles, everything from social anxiety problems to depression to issues caused by abuse to things like high functioning autism and beyond. There are millions and millions of us, so it's not like you're some bizarre outcast. A pretty decent chunk of the population blooms later due to various things, it just is what it is. There are plenty of women and men both in it.

 

Sexually, let me tell ya, experience isn't what makes the difference. There are guys out there who have had 10+ partners and they're awful in bed. Experience isn't the determining factor. Having patience and empathy and caring enough to figure out what feels good for your partner, that is what makes the difference, and you can be that sort of person whether you have had 0 partners or 100.

[ZA Dater]

Oh-kaay.

 

Look, most people I know have been having sex since they were 16. They've dated, fallen in love, had their ONS's, got the group thing out of the way in various permutations, and have spent more than a decade during various developmental phases developing skill and technique both sexually and socially.

 

In OPs age group, most women expect a certain level of experience, technique, and skill that he simply doesn't have.

 

Well hear I thought the actual person is more important than their sexual prowess and experience. I guess I was wrong.

 

Point taken but having been with the OP is, you can drag yourself around feeling sorry for your lack of experience or you can simply adopt a couldn't care less attitude and for me at least that's somewhat preferable to feeling sorry for myself.

 

However, like one of the posts above I have pretty much written off ever getting laid, purely because why would I want to feel that awkward and why would I want to make someone else feel equally so.

 

In my opinion the OP is better served simply looking for the good aspects of his life. Unfortunately the coin doesn't fall the same way for all of us and we aren't all destined to be Casanova but it doesn't mean we cant enjoy life.

 

Lastly I find it sad that you put such emphasis on sexual experience.