Just separated...

[sysctls]

A little bit of history about me and Mandy (name has been changed). We met and got together in 2003. She had two young kids (three and two). We were off and on for 5 years until about 2008 when dad passed away. We moved into his house, and have continued to live there ever since. We did eventually get married in 2013. Fast forward to today, or present time. It has been quiet. We don't talk, argue about parenting, basically no communication. We ended up separating couple weeks back, and I was for sure this would jumpstart my mind into "save my marriage mode", but I have never been happier. Even though the kids are step children, they are mine. She is still letting me see them, and we are cordial with each other. I have a few questions:

 

1. How would I approach the subject of a set schedule of when to see the kids? I don't want to go to court to figure out a visitation schedule, I feel that Mandy and I are both above that.

 

2. It's starting to fade, but I do still have feelings of guilt for her moving out. Like, is she going to have enough money to make it? What do the kids think about me not fighting and arguing for her to stay? Is the feelings of guilt normal?

 

Like I said, I have never felt happier and I do not want to save this marriage. I don't think its fair for anyone involved if we try to fake it.

 

Looking for an opinions, advice, etc...

[MJJean]

Yes, feelings of guilt are normal.

 

If you want a set visitation schedule, juts say so! Tell her you want to continue being involved with the kids and having a set schedule makes it easier for everyone to plan their lives.

[DKT3]

A lot of times guilt can stem from the reason it ended (meaning you had a greater hand in it).

 

I have a friend who was married to a wonderful woman but "IT" was never there for him. For years he wanted out but because the relationship was good and she was good he couldn't bring himself to leave.

 

Once he finally did about three years ago he has been so happy and excited about life. Yet he carries this massive burden of ending the marriage. She has since remarried and seems happy, he is extremely happy and not even dating anyone, he believes he was meant to walk life alone.

 

I think your on the right path, but you will carry some guilt, no way around it.

[OatsAndHall]

There is a huge parallel between what I went through in my divorce and what you are dealing with. Unfortunately, my story does not have a happy ending with the children.. I too married a woman with several kids and raised them as they were my own. We were having serious issues and ended up separating. Things became very nasty during the separation and we could not pull things back together for many reasons. I'll bullet the rest of this to better answer your questions.

 

1. I too felt a huge weight lifted from my shoulders during first few weeks of the separation. The stress from the arguing and the anger I was feeling went away almost immediately and I was very happy. But, I realize now that I became too wrapped up in that feeling without recognizing that it wold fade. Also, things happened during those few initial weeks of separation that drove me further away from her.

 

2. I started to wake up to the gravity of the situation about a month later, felt deep remorse over the situation and began missing her and the boys (who I had been seeing on a weekly basis) and started to regret the separation and questions whether or not a divorce was really what I wanted. But, talks of reconciliation resulted in more nastiness and hurt feelings and the divorce went through.

 

3. I was concerned about her financial well-being and agreed to pay maintenance and left my name on the mortgage as she couldn't refinance on her without my name on there. I don't regret leaving my name on the mortgage as those boys deserve the home they live in but I never should have agreed to pay the maintenance. I let guilt cloud my judgement and failed to remind myself that she is an educated woman that is perfectly capable of taking care of herself and the kids. It became very evident that the money I agreed to pay was being wasted and not spent on the children. A judge never would have ordered me to pay maintenance and my lawyer strongly disagreed with it. A divorce isn't just breaking off emotional ties, it's breaking off financial ones as well. Both parties need to take responsibility for their financial situation, unless deemed otherwise by a judge. Also, she had her new/old boyfriend move into the home within weeks of the finalization of the divorce and had two incomes to work off of.

 

4. Get a visitation agreement signed and in place ASAP if you want to see those kids. In my state, I could not do so as they were not my children, legally. My ex-wife went out of her way to allow me to see the boys but forced me to cut off all contact when her new boyfriend moved in. Apparently, my seeing them once a week was causing tension at home and her solution was to cut me off from them.

 

So, I guess the moral of that story is simple: don't trust your ex-wife to do the right thing when it comes to the kids. Get a legally binding agreement that will allow you to see the children. The financial side of a divorce needs to be viewed as a business decision as much as possible. I shelled out nearly $4000 dollars over the space of a year because of my remorse, she did not need that money and could have made made it without it.