Future Mother in Law and the holidays

[jll07]

Let me give some background first. My fiancé and I went to visit his mother a few months ago for the first time since we have been a couple ( a year). She lives far away from us but we do have weekly conversations with her. ( more him than me ). The visit went horribly bad. She was ok with me day one but then acted as if I wasn't present or annoyed that I was. He spoke to her about it. She slightly changed for a few hours then went right back to not so kind.

Fast forward to this week. We are planning for the holidays. His children aren't ready for me to be a part of their holidays. We respect that so we are trying to plan around that. His mother has decided to come for a visit the week of Thanksgiving and Christmas. She has decided to make all the plans. They will spend Wednesday night having dinner with his kids. Then the two of them will have thanksgiving together. She will then have lunch with him on Friday and head out. Christmas eve will be spent with the children and then they will have Christmas day just the two of them. She will leave Jan 2nd but she is ok with us having new years eve together.

 

 

I would be totally ok with this all if it were about him being with his children and his mother. But its not about his kids at all. Its all about her. Her words were " you will have lots of holidays with her".

 

 

he doesn't know what to do. I don't know what to say or how to react. I don't want to start my happily ever after like this

 

 

Help, any advise is helpful

[BettyDraper]

It doesn't bode well for your marriage if your fiance cannot stand up for you.

MILs who are jealous of the precedence wives take in their son's lives are very typical.

The outcome of this common situation depends largely on how a son handles his mother's unacceptable behavior.

 

I don't have children so perhaps I shouldn't say this....since you are about to marry your fiance, his children should not be able to call the shots about when they are "ready" to have you as a part of their holidays. The relationship is certainly serious enough that all of you need to get used to each other.

 

It sounds like your fiance lacks the ability to set boundaries with both his mother and his children.

[anna121]

I would not be ok being banned from Christmas with my fiance. I wouldn't force myself on the kids but solo time with him Mom? No way. I'm not American, but the Thanksgiving plans would also be unacceptable. I'd think that for some of you Yanks, that would be WORSE than Xmas!!!

 

The fact that my fiance would go along with it would be a deal-breaker...because it would show the low priority I had in his life.

[seekingpeaceinlove]

Agreed with the above posters. He asked you to get married. Which means that, by this point, his kids and his mother should have been "ready" to spend holidays with you. So, according to your post, you wouldn't really be spending any actual holiday with him?? And you're his fiance? Someone who he is committing to spend the rest of his life with?

 

Honestly, the way you describe the situation...you sound like a NEW girlfriend. Not a fiance.

 

Your man needs to handle this. Sticking up for you and including you in family events is part of the relationship package. The fact that he doesn't know how to deal with this is telling.

 

Deal breaker if he even considers excluding you from the plans.

[Tayla]

For all we know, this MiL may have legitimate reasons.

 

And you have a voice of reasoning. Use it.

 

My husband never stood up for me...reason: I am an adult, with my own boundaries. He wasn't my super hero...He was my friend who allowed me to be my own person. That's what spouses do...support without intruding on boundaries.

 

My MiL disliked me....and rightly so looking back at how I behaved. Yet she was civil to an extent. Once my divorce was final...I learned how much she held back.

Again....she had every right as a parent to be concerned..

Empathy does amazing things....maybe have that open talk.

[anna121]

For all we know, this MiL may have legitimate reasons.

 

And you have a voice of reasoning. Use it.

 

My husband never stood up for me...reason: I am an adult, with my own boundaries. He wasn't my super hero...He was my friend who allowed me to be my own person. That's what spouses do...support without intruding on boundaries.

 

My MiL disliked me....and rightly so looking back at how I behaved. Yet she was civil to an extent. Once my divorce was final...I learned how much she held back.

Again....she had every right as a parent to be concerned..

Empathy does amazing things....maybe have that open talk.

 

???

 

I mean, sure empathy is great thing but....this seems blatantly hostile.

 

Based solely on OP, no MIL does not have legitimate reasons to monopolize her son's time on Thanksgiving AND Christmas to the exclusion of his fiance.

 

She clearly does not want OP there, or, you know, OP would have been included. Unless OP simply announces her intention to show up, then yes, this IS on the son because it is his holiday that is being micromanaged.

[BettyDraper]

For all we know, this MiL may have legitimate reasons.

 

And you have a voice of reasoning. Use it.

 

My husband never stood up for me...reason: I am an adult, with my own boundaries. He wasn't my super hero...He was my friend who allowed me to be my own person. That's what spouses do...support without intruding on boundaries.

 

My MiL disliked me....and rightly so looking back at how I behaved. Yet she was civil to an extent. Once my divorce was final...I learned how much she held back.

Again....she had every right as a parent to be concerned..

Empathy does amazing things....maybe have that open talk.

 

Being a concerned parent does not need to lead to rude and excluding behavior.

 

While you admit that you behaved in a manner which made your MIL dislike you, it doesn't make sense to automatically assume that the case here. Your post doesn't include any empathy towards the OP.

 

Parents will always respond to boundary setting by their own adult children than their adult children's spouses. A man who doesn't stand up for his wife when she is being mistreated by his mother isn't mature enough for marriage.

[Pastypop]

You might want to consider leaving this relationship. Neither the kids nor the MIL want to include you in things. No telling what the MIL says about you to his kids. If you marry this person, it probably won't get any better and may cause you to divorce. You deserve better than this. There is someone else out there whose family will respect you and will include you in things.