Very stressful personal life

[NJ65]

Hello foks,

 

I am 32 year male living and working in Australia for last 5 years, I got married in February last year which was arranged marriage. I was not interested in marriage, however following typical Indian culture, my parents forced me into this marriage threatening they would commit suicide and break all relations with me in future.

 

Post marriage, the relation between my wife/ in laws and my parents slowly spoiled and my wife started living with her parents and working in her home town, meanwhile I started processing her visa here. There has been regular disputes between me and my wife since we got married, Every month I have to contact my in-laws about her anger, rough speech and behavior. even she has admitted that she looses her control many times gets angry.

 

My in-laws did not do much to make my wife understand or change her behavior and when I discussed everything to my parents, they are something in front of me and on my back they are different people, Both parents are in complete favor of my wife. My parents just focus on salvaging their pride and respect in society, rather showing any concern to my future life.

 

I have been going through this pain for long time, many times I felt to give up this life but could not move forward. I have been working three jobs day and night and living alone, I have house loan back home and my wife & my parents also dependent on me for everything. My wife has been working for more than a year but she never bothers to support me anyway financially or emotionally and many times she raised questions on my character too.

 

I seriously feel cursed in this life from parental and family life happiness, My parents have been dominating towards me for their choices over the years and now my wife following same pattern. My parents are old and alone and don't have anyone to support them, looking at their situation, I always have given up things on them hoping they would understand me but every time I get heart & end up being stupid person because of my emotional nature.

 

My parents have played lot of mind games with me with their dual face which has hurt me the most. Everyday I cry and say sorry to myself for this situation I am in. Because laws every where in world in favor of women, I feel kind of helpless and hopeless in this situation even I suffering.

 

My Parents are old, they would need me always and I want to stand by them always also I do not want to spoil my wife's future, but I am not happy either. Neither of them supporting my fortune, rather they take my emotions and faith for granted.

 

Please help me - where my future heading

 

Thank you

[sandylee1]

You either continue to live in misery to please your parents or do what you want to do and break free.

 

You only get one life .... live it for yourself and not anyone else.

[submart]

What a horrible situation to be in!

 

Can you get a divorce from your wife and cut ties with your parents? Everyone involved seems very toxic. You will only feel worse if you stay in this situation. You are still young and can live a happy life without marriage.

 

Nobody here is going to convince you to leave as your parents have caused you to feel shame regarding your life choices. That shame is not going to just go away. I suggest see a clinical psychologist.

[basil67]

What kind of situations cause your wife to lose control of her temper?

[Mr. Lucky]

I am 32 year male living and working in Australia for last 5 years, I got married in February last year which was arranged marriage. I was not interested in marriage, however following typical Indian culture, my parents forced me into this marriage threatening they would commit suicide and break all relations with me in future.

 

Given the influence your native culture has on you, I'm not sure the answers from this primarily Western audience will be of much use to you. If you can be coerced into an unwanted marriage, you'll also be susceptible to the family pressures afterwards.

 

Simple for us to tell you "walk away" or "just say no", I'd guess it's not quite that easy. Don't you have a trusted friend or mentor you can talk to?

 

Mr. Lucky

[BaileyB]

Given the influence your native culture has on you, I'm not sure the answers from this primarily Western audience will be of much use to you. If you can be coerced into an unwanted marriage, you'll also be susceptible to the family pressures afterwards.

 

Simple for us to tell you "walk away" or "just say no", I'd guess it's not quite that easy. Don't you have a trusted friend or mentor you can talk to?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Totally agree. Never underestimate the power of culture and family. I can't even begin to imagine what I would do in your situation.

 

I'm also curious about your wife. Why does she get angry and what kinds of things does she do?

 

But, best you find someone in your culture who can provide more appropriate counsel. We from the west who do not have arrangement marriages will find it difficult to understand and relate to your situation.

[Lion Heart]

NJ65

 

In Australia you can go to your Doctor (General Practitioner or GP) and get "Care Plan" to see a GOOD PSYCHOLOGIST for very little money. I think around $10 / hour? Anyway that's who my exWH saw last year for that amount.

 

He saw BOTH a Psychiatrist AND Psychologist for $10 / hour.

 

You do NOT need to end your life but understandably you seem to be depressed! GET HELP NOW and YOU DO NOT HAVE TO TELL your parents or ANYBODY related to your home country.

 

HOW DARE they rule your life from afar and USE you for their own anything. BUT in saying this, I do completely understand your situation.

 

There are also FREE COURSES available for men suffering from Domestic Violence. Usually men are the perpetrators here but you are suffering from this. Google that in your lical area. You may find a Course to enrol in.

 

You need to TAKE BACK the power for your life.

Do this in any way you choose.

 

You can STILL support your parents financially if you feel better to do so. But you can ALSO IMPLEMENT the 180 on this site with them. Your wife. Anybody actually.

 

HOPEFULLY the Counsellor you see will give you more strategies and HELP YOU SEE you do not have to put uo with this treatment from anyone.

 

I came from a similar family. Wrought with pressure and demands. My own mother was jailed because of Domestic Violence when I had only just given birth to twins.

 

If you do NOT want children with this woman - your wife, then there are male contraceptives you can also get in Australia for VERY LITTLE MONEY. A vasectomy seems drastic at your age but it's a very cheap procedure here too.

 

I spent 5 years quite badly depressed after my mother was jailed. I was raising 4 children and had a nutcase of a H. Poverty stricken blah blah blah lol.

 

I CHOSE to become involved with Community Gardens. Worked in these with my children. LOVED it and ended up getting Scholarships to study these fields lol pardon the pun. The sense of Community helped replace the incredible void I felt losing my 39 family members. I had no idea that I would lose all of those people I loved. But I did.

 

I had my own family to love anyway.

 

START being kind to yourself.

When people become RUDE TO YOU just implement the 180.

 

Clearly NO ONE ELSE will look after you. So it's time YOU did.

 

You can and will recover from this.

 

These people ONLY have power over you if you ALLOW it from now on. The Counsellor will help.

 

Through a Care Plan you get 6 discounted sessions.

You can space these out every 3 weeks and get guidance for between these sessions to research yourself.

It's time.

 

Best wishes

Lion Heart

[Just a Guy]

Hi NJ, having read your OP I wonder what your qualifications are and what kinds of jobs you do? Are these low level jobs which pay a low rate of remuneration? Why would you have to be working at three jobs to support yourself alone and maybe send back some money for your parents?

 

Since I have some background to your situation I would think that you went across as a student to Australia and after having completed your studies have initiated the process for ( and maybe) acquiring/ acquired Australian residency/ citizenship). In the meantime you have looked out for jobs in your line of interest and found that although you are getting calls for interviews these do not materialise into actual job offers. Hence you have ended up doing a number of low level jobs like cleaning floors or some other such type of work which does not pay much. If after five years you have not been able to settle into a steady job paying a good wage it seems unlikely that you will be able to settle down comfortably in Australia. Like other western nations it is a meritocracy where one has to be really good at what one does and the fields for such types of jobs would be software, the financial field or the medical field. This is of course a broad and generic picture and there would be a number of niche professions where you may be able to manage a good wage. My point in all this is that having read what you have to say, I would think that at a mental and psychological level you are probably not cut out for life in Australia. If you have acquired qualifications which you think would secure you a good job in India then you should seriously look at that.

 

The other thing I want to say is that divorce in India is not the stigmatizing deed that it used to be in the past. In fact looking at figures and facts it seems that in some circles divorce is something taken even more lightly than it is on the west. In your case it seems that your wife is just not the kind of person who would be compatible with you. It would be better for you to divorce her now considering she is employed and can fend for herself rather than get her to Australua , having children with her and then having her divorce you and get you to pay her alimony and child support. In addition of course she would have got her ticket to ride since would have gotten her Australian visa. It is up to you what you do but I stand by what I have had to say. Warm wishes.