Contemplating Separation/Divorce

[CorneliusCat]

This is a throwaway, for obvious reasons. My relationship with my husband has degraded so severely in the last 4 months that I am contemplating separation and probably divorce. I am having such a hard time with the guilt over this, but still feel I'm making the right choice?

 

Background: Me, 32F, I work from home, we have three children together, from early schoolage to an infant. We do not own a house. He is 32 also, and is employed fulltime.

 

In August he accepted a position in another state, and it was agreed between us that he would go right then, and our family would follow. I had been very content in our marriage at the time. While he is up there, I watch my children, and some other children on a daily basis. It has been very very stressful. He is up there, and seems to be having a lot of fun reconnecting with old friends. Then, a month later I get a call from him, saying that he slept with another woman and he was dying from the guilt. I think I imploded. For about 2-3 weeks I had daily panic attacks. I wanted to try and repair our marriage but wasn't sure if it was possible. Distance made it seem very hard to connect with him.

 

I ended up leaning heavily on a male friend of mine and having an emotional affair with him. I definitely would NEVER have ever, put myself in that position if I hadn't been so hurt in the first place. I was always very careful with my relationships with other guys. This emotional affair brought to light several of the things that had been wrong with my marriage, possibly why hubby ended up cheating. Some things I ended up realizing:

 

a) I was not ok with the religion I married into, and converted to, for my husband. I was joking with myself when I thought I could abide by their rules (pretty traditional, no birth control - lots of kids, submitting to husband, sex if he or I ask, pretty judgmental environment)

b) My husband took advantage of me, by never helping around the house, falling asleep at 7pm, leaving me to put the kids to bed after an entire day with then (and other children too). My house was never clean enough.

c) Our sexual desires and needs never matched up. He constantly wanted sex, and as the dutiful wife I would provide. However, he would ask me things like "Try and be sexier", which made me feel inadequate. I was also not very attracted to him sexually so often times he would be asking every other day and I would never. He cheated out of his desire for sexual intimacy and his struggle against masturbation (another gift from our religion).

d) Emotional needs weren't met, from sweet nothings, to romantic gestures. I simply do not think he knows how to provide these things. Yet I think I was happy, because I am a people pleaser. I was happy because he was. We were good friends, we got along. But now, I doubt that we have been in love for some time.

 

I feel terribly guilty thinking of ripping my family apart and have complicated the situation more by unintentionally falling into this emotional affair. I have cut this person off so I can gain some clarity about my situation. During this time alone, I feel like separation and divorce could be the right solution. I just have trouble coming to terms religiously and morally. Obviously, nobody ever gets married expecting to get a divorce. I feel like another statistic.

 

Hubby still insists he loves and me and wants me to still move to this other state to go to counseling with him. I do not think it is a good idea. I feel like if I decide to separate and divorce I will not have as many resources available to me (in my home state). I have not told him about the emotional affair.

 

I feel like with his affair, my emotional affair, and all the issues that were unresolved in our marriage - this is beyond saving i wish deeply things had happened differently and I could have seen my unhappiness before it was too late. I feel wracked by guilt over this.

[Mr. Lucky]

I ended up leaning heavily on a male friend of mine and having an emotional affair with him. I definitely would NEVER have ever, put myself in that position if I hadn't been so hurt in the first place.

 

He cheated out of his desire for sexual intimacy and his struggle against masturbation (another gift from our religion).

 

Wrong and wrong. You both decided to stray from your marriage for selfish reasons that have nothing to do with hurt and/or sexual frustration. Problems, temptations and excuses will always be there and if you allow them to justify cheating you'll never be faithful. You both need to own what you've done, no rationalization allowed.

 

With three young children involved, seems your marriage deserves every effort. You need counseling, hope you'll find a way to give it a shot...

 

Mr. Lucky

[OatsAndHall]

Take this for it is as it's my own personal opinion and view on marriage/relationships.

 

For me, there is no bouncing back from infidelity. I have been the cheater in relationships (not in my marriage..) and have been cheated on and there is a level of trust that, for me, has been irrevocably broken. The two women that I fooled around on could never trust me again, as hard as I tried to make them feel otherwise. And, when I was on the opposite end (karma caught up with me) I tried to dig deep and salvage the relationship but, in the end, I knew that I would never trust that person again. I could forgive them for their transgression for my own sanity but I couldn't put any level of trust into them again. And, honestly, I could not truly love them again when it was all said and done.

 

But, again, that is my view and my experience. We are all different people that have different boundaries in life. Maybe you and your husband can go through counseling and patch things together. I know couples that have done so. I wish you the best.

[TheWoman]

I feel worried for you. Please do not agree to move, that will put you in an even more dangerous position. You have three tiny children, no real career and you do not own your own home. If you do divorce I suggest you start considering how you are going to manage financially. You need to train in something that can earn from, you are still young.

 

The religion sounds bonkers. I am not a fan of any of them, but no birth control, no right to say no to sex - yuck. I think perhaps if there is any way you can afford it, some counselling would help you understand why you are where you are. Why you agreed to become part of something that supports the abuse of your basic human rights.