Needing someone to talk to...

[Elphie]

Greetings dearies,

I'm not having a good time. Not at all. I haven't been doing well for a very long time. It is only getting worse.

 

The thoughts in my head, oh boy. It's not just the old familiar thoughts toying with death. No. This is more persistent, more decided, more certain.

 

As if it had been decided. It is no longer if. It is when.

 

I have things I must attend to, this and that, and so I mustn't entertain these thoughts for too long.

 

Yet, they are my constant companions.

 

Yes, I've sought help. More than you can imagine. Some denied me, some avoided me, some couldn't make time for me, some ignored me, and some forgot me totally.

 

For a time, I tried very hard to get assistance of every sort but no more. I'm too tired now. I've been tired for too long.

 

I've isolated myself almost completely out of necessity. And really, living in a bus is better. In my circumstances. At least it's warm. Shelter.

 

And lets be honest, no matter where I am, I hide. I just don't care for humans much. Not at all really. Like one or two are cool in small doses. Otherwise, they kinda make me want to pull the plug.

 

I find they only stuck what little hope I have left.

 

Nobody ever asks why. Nobody ever listens when you tell them. Disabled, turned down for disability, living in a bus, feeling my will to live along through my fingers.

 

Not a pleasant place to be at all.

 

Why? Because I'm in constant pain. I've tried everything. I've lost everything. I've given everything away. I've had to admit that I will never have the physical ability nor the emotional stability to be a part of society.

 

I'll never be able to reach my dreams, it have a real relationship, or survive.

 

And that's no place to be. Yet, tis where I am.

 

I've reached out to professionals and found only more rejection. But I realize I must talk to someone about this...

 

I can't deal with it alone forever.

 

Anybody out there?

[Sweetfish]

Greetings dearies,

I'm not having a good time. Not at all. I haven't been doing well for a very long time. It is only getting worse.

 

The thoughts in my head, oh boy. It's not just the old familiar thoughts toying with death. No. This is more persistent, more decided, more certain.

 

As if it had been decided. It is no longer if. It is when.

 

 

 

I have things I must attend to, this and that, and so I mustn't entertain these thoughts for too long.

 

Yet, they are my constant companions.

 

Yes, I've sought help. More than you can imagine. Some denied me, some avoided me, some couldn't make time for me, some ignored me, and some forgot me totally.

 

For a time, I tried very hard to get assistance of every sort but no more. I'm too tired now. I've been tired for too long.

 

I've isolated myself almost completely out of necessity. And really, living in a bus is better. In my circumstances. At least it's warm. Shelter.

 

And lets be honest, no matter where I am, I hide. I just don't care for humans much. Not at all really. Like one or two are cool in small doses. Otherwise, they kinda make me want to pull the plug.

 

I find they only stuck what little hope I have left.

 

Nobody ever asks why. Nobody ever listens when you tell them. Disabled, turned down for disability, living in a bus, feeling my will to live along through my fingers.

 

Not a pleasant place to be at all.

 

Why? Because I'm in constant pain. I've tried everything. I've lost everything. I've given everything away. I've had to admit that I will never have the physical ability nor the emotional stability to be a part of society.

 

I'll never be able to reach my dreams, it have a real relationship, or survive.

 

And that's no place to be. Yet, tis where I am.

 

I've reached out to professionals and found only more rejection. But I realize I must talk to someone about this...

 

I can't deal with it alone forever.

 

Anybody out there?

 

What are your dreams?

[charliegirl816]

Oh goodness Elphie, my heart aches for you... I am thankful that you are reaching out and would like to suggest an additional site called dailystrength.org that may offer you additional emotional support. You are heard and not alone!

[books2]

Elphie,

 

I'm sorry for what you are feeling.

 

What kind of help are you looking for exactly on this board? Like someone to listen to your story here? Or elsewhere?

[spiderowl]

Oh Elphie, I feel for you, I do know what it is like to feel that the only safe thing is to shut off from people. It is the body's way of trying to heal. I am sorry the people you have come into contact with have not helped you. Do you have any idea why? Are they not listening?

 

Can I ask you what kind of pain you have? I know this is really important because I have pain sydromes and I know how demoralising it is to be in pain. Your circumstances sound so tough too, but you clearly have some strength within you to make this effort to reach out here.

 

Somewhere within is that precious person who has got rather overwhelmed with anger and disappointment. You can find that person again. You might need support and maybe others can point you to somewhere local to you, but you can keep posting here too. Keep in touch with us. x

[Elphie]

It started with the seperation. It was my second divorce, and I determined that I would be positive. I would find a way, whatever it took to be independent. To never, ever be left on my ass like that again.

 

It's been almost three years. It has not gone well.

 

I promised myself that I would never be left cold or hungry again. You know, my Scarlett O'Hara moment...

 

When we split up, I knew I was disabled. It has been ten years since I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia and the ever popular co-condition PTSD. With PTSD came a lot of side diagnoses. Bipolar, OCD, chronic fatigue...

 

It turns out I've had PTSD since the sexual abuse began at age four. They just thought I had ADHD. And now, I have arthritis in my ribs, spine, shoulders, hips... And just found out I have celiac disease too.

 

So all of this had to factor into my life after failed marriage plan.

 

So I had this brilliant idea to take my store mobile. I can't work every day, but I can work some days. So I thought I could hit flea markets, festivals and craft fairs with my wares. Some handmade, some resale. All I had to do was come up with the money to launch.

 

I sold off everything I owned, I gave up all but the absolute necessities and set out to build a new life.

 

Three years later, I still cry nearly every day. Though, it's not all day anymore. I have gone to many doctors, and they only want to put me on more pills. I've already been on so many, and I've had horrible reactions to them. For some reason antidepressants make me psychotic.

 

Why didn't they help? Because they are normal. They can't even begin to understand what it is like to live like this for 40 years, and then try to fix it all with a pill.

 

I'm in near constant pain. I shake. I vomit. Some days it hurts to walk. Emotionally, the control is gone. My thoughts spin and churn, but I can't keep them in any direction for long.

 

Their job, in a nutshell, is to make me a functional member of society. I no longer want to be a part of this society though... I was not made for society and it was not made for me. I accept that.

 

I've tried. For forty years, I've tried.

 

I ran out of try. I ran out of reasons to keep trying. I'm just exhausted.

 

The last thing I ever wanted to be was dependent upon anybody. To be that girl who needed a man just to survive.

 

I loved my husband with all of my heart, I would have spent the rest of my life with him. But he went away to work and left me cold, hungry, alone and that was fine with him. He had money, he didn't have to go without. By the end, I was nothing but a weekend booty call. He'd come home Friday night, kiss me and go party with his friends. He'd come home drunk, pawing at me, get a little and go back to his other home. Where there was food, friends, a heater, money.

 

I was isolated, no car, no friends. I just sat there, waiting for him to come home. Like an idiot. Just for that few moments of love.

 

I was a twelve year booty call... and I didn't even know it. I thought he truly loved me, and I worshipped him.

 

I still do. I haven't spoken to him in a year, and I still see him everywhere. I still feel this hole in my soul that is shaped just like him.

 

I feel like he took that fierce, strong, independent woman and left an empty shell behind.

 

I've dated a bit btw, and I'm in a series relationship right now, which is part of the reason I needed to talk.

 

I can't get close to him. I want to, I adore him, he's my best friend, but we sleep separately. I have to have my own space, and he respects that. Thankfully, he's been with sexual abuse survivors before so he is very patient with me.

 

He is really my only social life, much as my husband and children once were.

 

Yeah. I have a lot going on...

 

My dream, was to be a writer. Above all, I wanted to be a writer. To sell my wares on the side and just get by until maybe, if I was blessed, my writing would pay.

 

Now even that seems grandiose. Greedy even.

 

Now, I try to be thankful to just have shelter, warmth, a full belly, and every few days a trip to the pool so I can take a shower.

 

My most dearest goal now? To have running water again, with a sink and a real toilet.

Edited November 12, 2016 by Elphie

[spiderowl]

Elphie, I can see your life is extremely tough. I too have fibromyalgia so I know something about that and pain. You are obviously a very resourceful person who has been through a lot. Not having the basics in life must be really hard. Coping with disability is enough in itself, I know.

 

Your ex husband was not a good guy even though you loved him so much. You need to let go of the idea that he was something special that you lost. He obviously wasn't. It sounds like you have met someone understanding and maybe this guy will become the one for you. Somehow I feel you are still hanging onto your ex. I guess that happens if you try and try to make it work and it doesn't, but you see it was because he was not a stand-up guy. You were the decent woman who knew how to love and you can do so again.

 

I feel sure things will improve for you. You do need to take care of yourself first because of your health and because you are still coming to terms with your ex. Because a person treats you badly does not mean you are bad or unworthy, please remember that in the midst of everything. When you have pain and feel bad because of that, it is easy to think others must see you less in some way. But they don't, it is the illusion that pain gives us. Be kind to yourself, tell yourself how much you have done, what an amazing resouceful person you have been, and then let the good things into your life. They are out there waiting.

 

I can truly understand why you feel distant from 'society'. Others often seem to have it so easy, to not be in pain or needing the basics. They are fortunate of course. I am sure there are people who care for you, or who would do if you let them into your life. It sounds like you are used to cutting off from people, which is entirely understandable if some have been abusive in the past. Not everyone is like that. Try to give them a chance to love you.

Edited November 12, 2016 by spiderowl

[Sweetfish]

 

Three years later, I still cry nearly every day. Though, it's not all day anymore. I have gone to many doctors, and they only want to put me on more pills. I've already been on so many, and I've had horrible reactions to them. For some reason antidepressants make me psychotic.

 

Why didn't they help? Because they are normal. They can't even begin to understand what it is like to live like this for 40 years, and then try to fix it all with a pill.

.

 

Before you posted this.. I remember reading about a lady who had suicidal thoughts, was highly depress and riddled with all sorts of problems. The readings were from a psychologist. What struck me and made me remember this particular read was what he did to resolve and start the healing process for the lady.

 

she had spent lots of money on different doctors and pills for years and nothing had work. It was the same thing. She would sit on a chair or lay on a couch and the doctor would write down her problems and later inject or prescribe an anti depressant .

 

 

What was different about this doctor is that he genuinely listened to the patient, and displayed empathy. They both cried together. It was heart felt. All she wanted was someone to understand what she was going thru.

 

He didn't prescribe her a pill or diagnose her. All she wanted was to be heard.

 

Literally from that day she started the healing process.

 

So no pill is going to fix your situation.

Counseling may help, but temporarily.

 

No one can feel how you feel. We can only listen. You need to accept that.

 

I truly believe you need to accept the challenges you face and understand the cards you were dealt. The depression and stress will create more inflammation. The fear and sadness will eat you away and make your more ill.

 

I think there were a lot of mistakes you made on the way. The biggest, not developing close friends while with the husband. worshiping your husband. You say your not made for society..but me and you are chatting. Other people here are responding to you. What makes you the only living being not built for this world?

 

You need to accept the things in your life and work from there. Look at the mistakes you've made and realize them. we all make mistakes.

 

I think its hard to find a good doctor because typically they eggshell around the mistakes the patient has done and focus on the psychological problems and them as a victim to the outside world. The victim needs to understand they to are part of the healing process and need to change from victim to survivor.

 

Your best friend. I would keep him as a best friend. you have sooo much work to do and the fact he has been with other sexual abuse survivor is a RED FLAG and possible means he has deep rooted problems him self.

 

This is all my opinion and I hope it gives you another perspective. I hope it help.

[books2]

Elphie,

 

I hear you.

 

I won't sit here and complain about my life. Not all is perfect, but it does not compare to all you have/are enduring.

 

I'm sorry you have been going through all this over the course of 40 years.

 

I'm a believer that we only get challenges we can face, in order to grow. I know it might sounds really ridiculous for you right now, but I'm sending prayers that one day you will feel that way.

 

I don't have much advice for you and understand some of your issues aren't resolvable. But I think you should make a list of EVERY SINGLE THING you would like to change or improve in your life.

 

Set priorities and see which issues are easiest to resolve and live your life handling them one at a time!

 

As soon as some issues get resolve, you will start feeling more valuable and generally better.

 

I think you have your part to play in society Elphie. Don't let life keep you down and out. Rise up and give to society! I'm sure many people would be interested in reading what you have to write.

 

Please don't loose hope! I believe you can do it!