Limbo

[Murphy84]

Hi, I'm new and this is my first post. I'd really love some advice.

 

My husband and I separated September 15. We have two young children aged 3 and 1. (they were 7 months and almost 2 years old when we separated). In January 16 we decided to just see each other but still live apart, he lives just over 2 hours away. We went on a family holiday in this time, his mother came and stayed (she lives overseas) and the kids and I went and stayed at his house every other weekend (very rarely he came to mine which is ok) or for a couple of weeks every month or two, as I wasn't working at the time. I still maintained a life where I lived- went to the gym, studied and have friends and family there (when I was there) as it was never certain whether we would get back together. I was trying and we getting along. I thought things were better. He would never tell me how he was feeling about us, despite me asking him. I had to make an assumption. He'd talk about the future of us but then he'd talk about the future of not being together. He still seemed quite negative about me and the past. He complained I never surprised him with a visit to his house, it was always organised. I planned a romantic night away for us, I didn't tell him the details of where and what, just asked him to organise leave for work. We both had a great time but he said I hadn't really surprised him because I'd asked him to book leave at work and seemed disappointed. He says I never think about him and how he feels and it's always about me. By September 16 he still wasn't keen on moving back in together. I found it really difficult that we hadn't made any progress. I had no idea how he really felt about me and it's an awful place to be in. it's been a hard year raising two toddlers while trying to fix our marriage. I really felt I gave everything, I just felt could never seem to please him. So in September 16 I asked him a lot of questions about us, the past 9 months and how he felt about me as a person.Every single response was negative. Seemed as though no progress was made at all. It was hard but I ended it and said to him I don't want to be in this limbo anymore. We are together or we aren't. We didn't talk for a week. Then he messaged me and said he missed me. I asked if he was ready to move in together then, he wasn't. We talked/messaged everyday after that but I didn't go and visit him anymore or talk about being together. I thought a good friendship between us would be nice for the kids. I even made myself go on a coffee date with a guy just so I could start moving forward. My husband was still texting me and even started giving me compliments. When i would meet him to exchange the kids to his house (every second weekend) he would always want to talk for a while, even meet for a quick dinner with the kids and I noticed he started to hold eye contact longer. Anyway I went and got a job and I started to feel like my life was moving forward and it wasn't on hold any longer (I originally hadnt wanted to set up too much of a life where I lived encase I moved back with him). It made me feel good, i was starting to feel like I had control of my life and this made me happy. Of course I missed my husband but I felt as though I had tried everything I could have done, there was nothing more I could do. My husband started talking about a new life together in the future, fantasying about a city we both liked but hadn't lived in, the fun things we could do together. But that's all that the talk seemed to be, it didn't evolve to anything more. My husband started asking me to come to his place for the weekend. He said it would be nice. I declined the first time, I said I didn't want to go back to the place we were in before. He seemed annoyed about this. He told me that's the reason why we never started moving forward earlier in the year because I wasn't making the effort by coming to his house, or looking for a kindy for the kids there because that's where our future was and I should have made more effort. I was annoyed by this comment because I had gone to his most of the time, when I could and I didn't look for kindys or plan anything because he'd never made me feel like this was 100% going to work out. I was afraid to completely plan my life back with him encase it didn't work out (separating in September 15 was the hardest thing I've done in my life).

He wasn't planning his future completely with me, I guess that didn't make me feel confident to plan mine with him. Anyway, another week went by and he asked me to come and stay again. Even said he'd cook me a nice meal, trying to entice me. I said I couldn't because I was working one morning that weekend but he was welcome to come to mine, which he did. We had a nice weekend together and really got along. Two weeks later I went to his place, to show I was making the effort to see him (and it's also nice to see him) and spent the weekend with him. He seemed distant again, back to how he was before I ended it in September and he has since then (a week ago). We talk everyday but he's lost the excitement he had. I even suggested going to see him in a fortnight again (once again to show him that I'm committed to this) and he said he'd quite like that weekend to himself to play golf etc. (he wasn't scheduled to have that weekend with the kids as usual) I was furious, he'd come to mine and I'd gone to his the weekends he was to have the children, I had given up my last two child free weekends ( the only time I get to do anything without two toddlers) I'd just finished my studies and exam for the year, a week before he'd come to mine, which is what my child free weekends have consisted of since March so had been looking forward to doing something for myself without kids but I thought this was more important. (I love the kids to pieces but toddlers are exhausting and very demanding especially on your own.). I felt it only suited him for me to come to his, when he had the children.

 

I really don't want to go back to limbo. I feel drained from trying to make it work. I'm starting to resent him for messing me around and I don't want to because I want a good future relationship with him for our children. I just want to move in a direction. I have talked to him how I've felt. He brushes it off and acts as though I'm being dramatic and there is no issue. I have talked to friends and family about a bit of what's been going on between us but I feel if I told them the full truth they would tell me to ditch him completely, he is a good man at heart, I feel I know him better than anyone, I think he's just in a confusing place but he seems to be stuck in it. I have spoken to a mutual friend of ours recently (it's actual his family friend) and I only told her the basics (we'd tried all year but he doesn't want to commit to anything). And she said 'he can't have his cake and eat it too'...... I have said those exact words to him back in September when I ended it.

 

If anyone could please offer some advice on where to go from here, it would be more than appreciated. Thank you.

[MJJean]

Stop all contact that isn't child related.

 

Be friendly, but not friends. He's not your friend, he's your ex and co-parent. Nothing more.

 

Plan your life with your children

 

Move on.

 

Anything less just perpetuates the limbo.

[Marc878]

180 no contact. You are both all in or out.

[The_Onceler]

I am so sorry to hear about your situation. Some of it rings true for me, from both your perspective and that of your spouse. I can certainly empathize with that terrible feeling of being in limbo, and I hope that you are able to get free of that soon.

 

I think the "No contact" / "180" advice is what you need to listen to, in a nutshell.

 

It sounds like your spouse is in a place very similar to where I had been in a relationship. I was wildly attracted to this woman, but at the same time, when we were together there was something fundamentally wrong. To this day, I do not know precisely why I felt so attracted/repelled by the same woman.

 

What I *do* know is that my behavior was very much like what your spouse exhibits. I wanted desperately to be with her when she was gone, but then when we were together, I would gradually then want to get away from her. And I don't mean this as an indictment of her, or of you. The fact that I would eventually need to get away from her did not necessarily stem from anything she did "wrong". There was something about the relationship that we constructed between us, something about the synergies that we created, that served to make me want to struggle for my freedom. It wasn't a repulsion from her, so much as a free floating anxiety, a sense of being suffocated.

 

Is this making any sense?

 

I guess the bottom line, though, is this: in my experience, his pattern is unlikely to change. He will pull you in and push you away, again and again, until you make it stop. I would wager that he is incapable of ending it on his own.

 

Also, he will likely pursue you relentlessly when/if you do turn away from him.

 

Some of the other stuff you noted about his behavior, about how he blamed you for not trying hard enough, etc. Well, that sounds plain crazy to me. I mean, you set up a weekend away (and you have small children, so this is no mean feat!), and he complained that you ruined the surprise of it all by having him set time in his calendar? I mean, surprise and romance are great, but reality has to intrude at SOME point.

 

No, that part sounds crazy to me. I would LOVE for a woman to have planned something like that for me, and I would expect to be smacked if I complained about the execution.

 

Best wishes, and good luck.

[Murphy84]

i appreciate all your responses. I needed to hear all this. Thank you!

[BluesPower]

If you guys separated a year ago, I am guessing that you two did not try any marriage counseling?

 

Being apart for a year and seeing each other on some weekends is really not a way to work on your marriage. It is a way to get use to being divorced. You guys are not going to fix anything like this, and if it going to stay this way you might as well get divorced.

 

Also, you realize that by taking the kids to him for his weekends you are kind of enabling his lackadaisical attitude about the marriage and the divorce. Plus, I am guessing that you guys are having sex when you visit.

 

So what that does is, 1) he gets to see the kids with minimal effort, so it is easy for HIM and 2) he gets laid when YOU come to visit. So he gets to be single and no kids most of the time and he gets to see them with minimal effort and sex to boot.

 

Why would he want this to change. You have made the separation way to easy for him.

 

What if you guys split the trips for both of you. One time he drives the 2 hours picks up the kids, by himself, drives the 2 hours back and has to feed the kids and put them to bed after a 4 hour drive. And one that does not involve sex with you. Now that is a whole different thing for him to go through.

 

Then he gets to spend time with 2 toddlers and entertain them for the weekend and bring them back Sunday evening.

 

If you did something like that, he may start to see what a real divorce looks like.

 

And why are you guys 2 hours apart in the first place? It would seem to me that the separation has kind of been a big party for him the whole time.

 

If you want to save the marriage, things have got to change. And, I would start with making him feel what a real divorce would look like.

 

Does that make any sense?

[Mr. Lucky]

It would seem to me that the separation has kind of been a big party for him the whole time.

 

Bingo. He's living some sophmoric fantasy of the best of both worlds, benefits with little or no responsibility.

 

He seemed distant again, back to how he was before I ended it in September and he has since then (a week ago).

 

Murphy84, there's at least the possibility he's living a double life, a realtionship with you back "home" and another with someone else in this new locale. If you have access to phone and/or financial records, I'd do some digging...

 

Mr. Lucky

[ladyj888]

Hello,

 

Trying to work on a marriage while together is difficult and of course while apart that can only add to the difficulty, so I commend you for trying. That said, as I tried to read through it all, what immediately comes to mind over an over is being "lukewarm". Your husband likely senses (or sensed) that you are lukewarm. When he is talks about wanting to be "surprised", perhaps he wants to feel the you want to be together and that you feel free to come over whenever because you are still married. As someone mentioned, you either both want or do not want to be together. You have to make up your mind and act in accordance to your decisions. If you and he want to be together then I'd immediately seek counsel together and advance accordingly. If one wants to get back and the other does not, then again the one who does should seek counsel (perhaps with the other if they will) and in accordance move ahead. You may have to let the other person go and plan your life (kids visitation, etc.), and if possible peacefully with your spouse. As someone else said being in "limbo" needs to end, because it confuses everyone (including the young children who sense this even thought they don't understand). I pray God guide you both in your decisions.