My married boss wants to sleep with me

[Marie36]

My married boss has made it obvious over the last few years that he wants to sleep with me.

 

It all started a few years ago, we used to get on well and I was aware he was a flirt but didn't think anything of it until one night I met a coworker in the pub after work and he happened to be there. As soon as we were alone he started telling me I had been flirting with him and I was beautiful. I made it clear that I was unhappy and told him I didn't want to talk about it but he persisted, telling me that we find eachother attractive'.

 

Needless to say things got v weird after that. He wasn't my direct boss anymore and worked in a different office but whenever he came in he would stare at me and make excuses to email me about work matters, which a lot of the time I ignored, but then sometimes I responded to because I didn't know how to behave towards this manager.

 

In hindsight I am aware that this was sexual harassment and I prob should have complained about him. I think I just hoped he'd get bored and felt comforted by the fact that he was in another office anyway.

 

Guess what! Not only did he not get bored, he got promoted and is now my boss's boss's boss and in the same office as me again!

 

I've been pretty weird with him over the years (I've even told him I feel uncomfortable around him before). When he came back I stayed out of his way a lot, even when he hung around my desk, kept trying to force his way into my conversations with other people and just plain stared at me!

 

Over time he seemed to ease off and that made me feel more comfortable, but we recently had a works night out, on which I can only describe his behaviour as pathetic! He spent all night flirting with every woman in sight. I am aware that he is a flirt and have seen it before but it seemed like maybe he was stepping it up a notch for my benefit? I kept seeing him throwing me glances as he flirted with other women and at one point he bumped into me really hard (even though there was q a lot of space) - I couldn't help wondering if he'd done it on purpose to get my attention??

 

Sure enough later on he started giving me his full attention, joining in my conversations, trying to dance next to me on the dance floor and even following me off it when I left the dance floor to get away from him!

 

I'll admit there maybe some attraction on my part (when he's sober, not when he's drunk!) but I know I am not a flirt, he has a wife and children who I would never want to hurt and I love my husband. I'm really not that kind of girl!

 

Furthermore, in the last couple of years I have had a child of my own who he hasn't mentioned once! If I bring him up in conversation he will just change the subject, perhaps because it makes me harder to objectify? I don't know. Weird!

 

I don't see any good way out of this situation. God knows I don't want a feud with a manager, or an affair for that matter! I feel like if I give him an inch he takes a mile, but if I'm cold to him he'll start to resent me (if he doesn't already) and that won't help my career!

 

The other day he had to go to an awards ceremony after work, but it wasn't until the evening. He came to work wearing a three piece suit (the equivalent of me turning up in an evening dress) claiming that he wouldn't have time to get changed before the do, even though I know he was going home first and the do wasn't far from his home! I think maybe he just wanted to show off to me because he kept hanging round my desk and staring at me. Later on when another manager was addrssing the office he was staring at me.

 

This ridiculous situation has gone on for ages now! You'd think he'd be bored. Any sensible advice would be well received!

[SoleMate]

Depends on your goal. Some women come to LS determined to become the OW and send their lives into a hellish whirlwind. Hope you're not there yet.

 

If your goal is to maintain your career, your current marriage or r/s if any, your self-respect and peace of mind, and your paycheck, then I'd make my first stop an employment lawyer to see what legal protections may exist for you (*) and how best to force wannabe CMM to back off and keep it professional. 2nd stop, IC for boundaries, goals and decision making; also eval for possible depression etc. 3rd action is read the many, many OW stories on LS and decide which of the trajectories you want to replicate (or hopefully NOT replicate).

 

* Depends on state/jurisdiction, size of company, exact facts etc.

[preraph]

I had a boss once who likewise we got on well and kidded each other, but I wouldn't call it flirting. He knew I was wanting to find a house I could afford to rent and started talking about investing in one for me to live in. All great so far. Then he teasingly said of course he'd have a key, and I said, No, your wife Jane would have a key, and that was the end of that.

 

What I recommend is that you stop keeping this secret of his that he's flirting with you and bust him loudly every time he does it when there's anyone within earshot: Mr. Graham! I'm going to tell your wife if you don't stop saying such things to me. I'm a married woman!

 

What allows this to go on is you keeping your mouth shut and not busting him on it in front of others. As long as you do this, he thinks there's a chance you're interested because you are protecting him by having this little secret with him.

 

His wife is key here. I have found no better way to back off a married man than to constantly, every time they converse with me, politely ask how their wife is. Not their wife and kids. Their wife. No matter what the conversation, you end it with "How's your wife?" or "How's Jane?"

 

And the other thing is if you ever have the opportunity to meet and mingle with Jane or even talk to her on the phone, you start sucking up to Jane and become her friend so that she starts remarking to him when he comes home at night what a sweet girl you are. This will make him realize you can and will tell her if he doesn't stop it. You ask Jane about her kids and her life and be very interested in Jane and never let him forget it.

 

Short of filing a discrimination claim, that's my best advice to you. But beware he may totally turn on you at any point when he realizes he is never going to get to have sex with you, but he will do that Jane or no Jane. He will eventually do that. Let's hope some other woman takes it to management so you don't have to one day. Meanwhile constantly ask him about his wife.

[Marie36]

Thanks. Alarmingly I actually used to work with his wife too! I don't think she liked me all that much, almost certainly because she knew what her man was like and noticed him flirting with me (I was not flirting back - no matter what he said).

 

I think you're right though. I'll politely ask about her and just continue to keep my head down, continue to ignore his stares and wait for him to find some other woman to fixate upon! And if he does anything again go to HR! I am better than this!

[preraph]

Well, she probably didn't hate you personally, but she probably knows he is flirting in general with women and you're a woman. Still, don't let that stop you from being nice to her if possible and always asking about her.

[BreakOnThrough]

Obtain evidence or someone to corroborate your claims, go to HR, file a suit or quit. It's really not that hard, I think you like the attention, or else you would have taken care of this a looooooooooong time ago... Don't be fooled, either, others around the office are talking about you and him, and it's already disrupting your career...

[Logan787]

Thanks. Alarmingly I actually used to work with his wife too! I don't think she liked me all that much, almost certainly because she knew what her man was like and noticed him flirting with me (I was not flirting back - no matter what he said).

 

I think you're right though. I'll politely ask about her and just continue to keep my head down, continue to ignore his stares and wait for him to find some other woman to fixate upon! And if he does anything again go to HR! I am better than this!

 

It's encouraging to know that there are still women like you in the world. : )

[stillafool]

What does your husband say about your situation? Does he want you to quit?

[Superchicken]

It's encouraging to know that there are still women like you in the world. : )

 

Yeah, I thought the same, but she pissed me off when she said "I'll admit there maybe some attraction on my part ".

 

 

If I heard that from my wife, its "Grumpy" time !.

 

 

Ted.

[lucy_in_disguise]

I recommend documenting all his advances and going to HR. He is in a leadership position and has power over your career- you need to protect yourself because things may get ugly. If this comes out later and you don't have it on record, he may twist the story and make you out to be the instigator. Or,he may impede your career as payback. Documentation is key when it's his word over yours.

[ophelia99]

Yeah, I thought the same, but she pissed me off when she said "I'll admit there maybe some attraction on my part ".

 

 

If I heard that from my wife, its "Grumpy" time !.

 

 

Ted.

 

Feel free to be grumpy, but at least she is being honest.

 

I'm in a similar situation myself and have been telling my husband all about it. Being honest with him protects my relationship.

 

If I had any advice for the OP - it would be to make sure you tell your husband.

[Superchicken]

Well, Grumpy typing now.

 

 

If an attraction is there, your efforts are hindered.

I'm quite sure she can do more things to put a stop to it.

Just seems like there's only a half hearted attempt.

Like, send a unsigned letter to the wife saying he's heavily flirting with the girls at his work, etc.. I'm sure she'll come down on him like a ton of bricks.

 

 

 

 

Worse still, that attraction can manifest into more. It happens all the time..

 

 

Grumpy has left the building.

 

 

Ted.

[stillafool]

Again, OP did you tell your husband about this and what was his advice?

[Marie36]

Well, Grumpy typing now.

 

 

If an attraction is there, your efforts are hindered.

I'm quite sure she can do more things to put a stop to it.

Just seems like there's only a half hearted attempt.

Like, send a unsigned letter to the wife saying he's heavily flirting with the girls at his work, etc.. I'm sure she'll come down on him like a ton of bricks.

 

 

 

 

Worse still, that attraction can manifest into more. It happens all the time..

 

 

Grumpy has left the building.

 

 

Ted.

 

Anonymous letter to his wife? What am I 12?? Spoken like a man with no understanding of female nature. It is all too often the case that women will side with their husbands over things like this and he used to flirt with me (at me) in front of her, I don't think some silly little letter is going to change his attitude towards women or help me in any way! As to being grumpy, happy, sleepy or whichever of the dwarves you are about my admitting there is some attraction on my side that is an honest answer, have you ever been attracted to someone other than your wife? Just because I acknowledge that doesn't justify his actions. I'm a loyal wife.

 

And breakonthrough, when you say the situation about going to HR is 'not hard', it didn't feel so at the time! Have you ever been sexually harassed? I wasn't confident enough to be sure what to do at the time that this first started 3 years ago. I work in a very male dominated environment (sometimes it feels like Mad Men) and a lot of them would have the attitude like you of 'oh she must like it', which I'm guessing is what they use to justify their behaviour!

 

He hasn't done anything HR worthy recently (just stare at me a lot and laugh at all my rubbish jokes). if I could go back 3 years maybe I would go to HR. As it is I'm just trying to act in a way that doesn't encourage him to do it again!

 

In answer to your question stillafool I have told my husband everything. He knows me well and trusts me implicitly. I'm sure he'd like to rip my bosses arms off but is sensible enough not to do so. His advice at the time was to stay out of my bosses way, which I did. We were talking about it the other day and he seemed annoyed that I didn't go to HR, but then acknowledged that in his company when people make complaints about things it often doesn't carry in their favour in the long term. I live in a rural area so jobs in the media (which is where I work) are few and far between. I'd have to travel a lot further to go to a different office or stay in the same office with the man I filed a suit against- or work from home like a Billy no mates!

 

Thanks to those who have supported me and given sensible advice! Appreciated!