Leaving My Twenties

[Blue08]

I am writing this because I need to get something off my chest. Something I am wondering if someone else feels the same way or has any advice to offer.

 

As my twenties are coming to close I am beginning to enjoy life a little more, to live a little more, to value and respect others opinions without it insulting me personally, I have become more confident and more self-assured in myself.

 

In my twenties I have had been married and divorced, I have had three wonderful boys, I have had tears and happiness, and I will have graduated college before the beginning of my next milestone.

 

I spent most of my twenties catering to other people and to my past and current relationships (do not mean my children.) afraid of their judgments against me, trying to do more to please them, molding myself to fit what I think that they would like, and afraid to be myself.

 

I am the type of person that gives several chances, I forgive easily, I’m compassionate, affectionate, and open minded. But these several chances chip away at the love, the compassion, and the patience that I have for people. And over time I find myself caring less and less and until I no longer care, and once I am there, I am there, and I am done.

 

I once heard a saying that women start hating men in their thirties. I feel as though I am moving in this direction, not that hate them but that I am done, and I am done with serious relationships. I want to live alone and do my own family things and then wait, wait for the “right” one as I know more about myself now and have a better idea as to what will work for me and what I want for my children.

 

I am tired of endless catering with hardly a sincere appreciation, I am tired of relationships that don’t enjoy family time with my family just their own, I am tired of relationships that I am expected to work for them, I am tired of relationships that might priorities are constantly put on the back burner. I am tired of feeling like the house is entirely my responsibility including the “man” work that I have no clue how to do. I am tired, I work, I go to school, I have the house, the kids (not just mine, which I’m not complaining about), but his as well, I have their sporting events and other lessons outside of school, their haircuts, etc. I am tired of being under appreciated. I am tired hearing men complain about work (work they do without the children) Work that’s done when they get home. The excuse of work as to why they can’t help. I have work to do as well, that I continuously put on the back burner to cater to someone else because it’s my responsibility, because it is also priority to care for my children. But yet the few times I say I can’t I’m confronted with an attitude.

 

Is this what being a woman is? Taking on everyone else? Because if it is, I am done and taking on my own sounds like a vacation.

 

What have other women learned in their 30’s and 40’s? Men what’s your take?

[Herbalist]

I am on the brink of the 30s, not quite there yet but almost.

 

I think it depends on whether you are able to grow your wisdom, if you will turn the hurt into bitterness. It's a very deeply personal choice and it takes a lot of introspection to really be in charge of it.

 

I think it is important to be able to see the good along with the bad. I've had some terrible experiences with several men in my life, starting with my own father, but I have also had at least a couple good experiences, as well.

 

I've had to evolve emotionally and mentally in other ways as well. For example I was raised in a very racist family and it was not until I was able to branch out on my own that I started to have my own experiences with other races and be able to form my opinions.

 

The 20s are really a time of tremendous exploration and going through trials in life for the first time, it can be a very intense and wild ride to say the least. It is a time when you forge your own identity and break away from things that might have pushed onto you by others when you were young and dependent on them.

 

As the 20s come to an end it is a good time to reflect on what you have learned and how far you have come, and how to turn your experiences into new wisdom and strength.

 

In your case it sounds like perhaps you struggled with catering to others and not having strong boundaries and self-care. So what have you learned from these experiences? What have you learned about yourself, and relationships with others? You have been through some tough things, how have you learned and become stronger as a result? How can you continue to learn and become stronger going forward?

 

We can refine ourselves, our boundaries, and so on so that we can hone in more on healthy relationships with good people, rather than cutting ourselves off from everyone.

[SpiralOut]

I'm in my early 30s. I took things more seriously in my late 20s and tried to accomplish things I had been procrastinating. I realized that I wouldn't be young forever. I also worked through some personal issues and changed as a person. I value myself much more now than I did back then.

 

Maybe that's what is happening with you: understanding yourself better and knowing your own worth.

[BettyDraper]

I'm in my mid 30s. In my 20s, I was far more dramatic and quite self destructive. I was also a fiercely independent radical feminist until my mid 20s. My radfem years were when I deeply resented men. I also tolerated way too much nonsense from others because I was codependent.

 

Now I find that I am much calmer and reflective. I am no longer impulsive and I am able to look at men more objectively. I am fine with getting rid of toxic folks in my life. I also use my compassion in ways that do not drain me and I'm able to admit when I'm wrong. I can tolerate being disliked because I don't live for the approval of others anymore.