feeling depressed ****Updated**** Telling his wife

[Tayla]

Don't forget to include his Ashley Madison profile.

 

Hmmm.. And lead us not into temptation.

 

doesn't matter if he created the account.. she consented. the wife did not.

[crazyinlove27]

You own YOUR part in the affair and don't put all the blame on him, you chose to have an affair with this woman's husband so please don't act like a victim in all this. Answer her questions, apologize for your part in the affair and helping him betray her. Most of all, she is the innocent one in all this and so respect her and don't be mean to her.

 

Take a day and calm down, collect your thoughts and then tell her. Going at it while you're hysterical isn't good.

 

Also, your previous thread you loved him and wanted him back so are you 'sorry' for the affair? Or is this a way of splitting them up in hopes he'll come to you if she kicks him out of the house?

 

Trust me I have never just blamed him for the affair. It's just as much my fault as his. What I do blame him for though was the things he said to me after it started. I never expected anything more than to see him a couple of times and that was that. HE WAS the one that said he loved me and was going to leave. HE said he wanted to marry me.

He made all.the promises. There was even a couple of points where I messaged to day I can't do it anymore and he begged me to stay with him.

Yes I was stupid to believe his lies but what can I say? I was blinded by love.

 

I never want him back. She's more than welcome to him. I just think she needs to know who she is married to.

 

I do agree that going down there when I'm in such a mood isn't a good idea. I need to calm down. And I won't go there when the kids are there.

[crazyinlove27]

She may have a right to know, but OP has no duty to be the one to tell her. The thing about MWs is that they love their husbands, and they hate the OWs, especially the ones who had the temerity to get pregnant by their husbands. You think this wife will be grateful? OP is going to get completely sh*t upon by the BS and ultimately, the WS will contact her again to continue the drama. No good deed goes unpunished. He is not the OP's problem, or at least, he shouldn't be. All this will do will heap more misery upon her.

 

She should have minded her own business from the beginning, and right now is still not too late to start. The OP should turn around and walk away while she's properly motivated. She has no friends in this situation, and she's never going to be the hero of this story.

 

There is no right or wrong here, we don't know enough to truly decide. However, we do know that she has no interest in his relationship with his wife. All she has is self-interest, and it is in her self-interest to disappear from this guy completely.

 

 

Can I say that I was on the depo when I fell pregnant. I would never have risked that.

I understand I'm going to look bad but technically I got nothing to lose. He has.

 

Yes I should have minded my own business but I hope you are not saying it's all my fault. It's 50/50 both of us. I shouldn't have gone on Ashley madison and he shouldn't have been looking for something extra.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Can I say that I was on the depo when I fell pregnant. I would never have risked that.

I understand I'm going to look bad but technically I got nothing to lose. He has.

 

Yes I should have minded my own business but I hope you are not saying it's all my fault. It's 50/50 both of us. I shouldn't have gone on Ashley madison and he shouldn't have been looking for something extra.

 

LargoLagg is right. Are you so sure you have nothing to lose? Do you have a job? Any family who would be embarrassed by this? His BS could put your picture on social media with the title "XX slept with my husband and you can find her profile on Ashley Madison" or "XX aborted my husband's baby" and she would be totally allowed. I checked into this and as long as it is true, it's not slander. Facebook, LinkedIn,PinTrist, Intagram, etc.

 

Or how about her SHOWING up at your job? Or your parents/family? How about her hiding, stalking you? Looking over your shoulder? Getting in your car and wondering if your brakes are cut? Wondering if she is in the backseat?

 

Once you unleash this monster, you have no idea what will happen next. Do you really want to invite that drama into your life?

[Ana-Iva]

Tell her!

 

I told my MM that if he ever comes to any golf club in the city again, and if he ever again provides golf related services to anyone, I will tell his wife. He has his main job, but also does some things on the side to make more money. He has not been paying taxes on that side job for decades. I can also tip off tax authorities.

Now he is telling me he will use his legal options against me for saying this. What legal options? Nobody can stop me from telling the truth. Plus, he has so much to lose. He is just bluffing.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Tell her!

 

I told my MM that if he ever comes to any golf club in the city again, and if he ever again provides golf related services to anyone, I will tell his wife. He has his main job, but also does some things on the side to make more money. He has not been paying taxes on that side job for decades. I can also tip off tax authorities.

Now he is telling me he will use his legal options against me for saying this. What legal options? Nobody can stop me from telling the truth. Plus, he has so much to lose. He is just bluffing.

 

There is a statute of limitations of 3 years for whistleblowing and you need a paper trail, proof. By legal options he is probably saying he is going to say you were involved or benefited from the tax scam. All he has to do is tell the IRS that you are his angry ex-mistress, not credible.

 

It's better just to hold your head high and walk away. Karma gets these guys.

[sandylee1]

I'm perplexed. You met a MM on an affair website, who has had multiple affairs before you and you seem suprised and angry that he's messaging other women.

 

Can you explain your logic? And why, given his history would you expect anything else from him?

 

This is a guy who is happy being married and wanting lots of fun on the side. You fell for him, but it wasn't that serious for him. You were the ketchup with the chips. Nice to have, but not necessary.

 

I do hope you're not left feeling like nothing after you contact his wife.

 

I must say that unless you have evidence and/ or say who you are, she won't believe it. So be prepared to say you knew he was married. That you went on an affair website (and she'll form her opinion on you from there) and thatyou had no problem sleeping with him, but after your termination and him messaging other women ... You've decided to wreck his life.

 

If you're gonna come clean, then tell the whole truth. Not just the bits that suit you.

[Osmium13]

Tread carefully! Whilst it may provide short term satisfaction, you're opening a can of worms that can't be closed again. She will want to believe his side of the story and no doubt it'll be very, very different from your version of events. You will probably come out looking the villain, whatever the rights and wrongs of it all.

 

He'll get caught out at some stage. Don't risk making yourself more miserable for a quick vengeance hit.

[Forever broken]

I will leave it alone in my opinion. Remember you voluntarily got in this affair especially if you met him through Ashley Madison. People that go on those sites purposely go there to cheat. Is a different thing if you had informed the spouse before the first encounter. But you stayed for a while and fell in love hoping he will leave and he didn't.

 

Telling the spouse is your choice but remember it will not benefit you in either way. He might tell his wife you are just a crazy stalker who won't go away after making it clear he wasn't leaving her. The wife might also think you are doing so purposely to destroy her marriage so you can have him.

 

Trust me some betrayed spouses still stay and work on their marriage although the truth hurts. And if the betrayed spouse does leave him, he will never be with you.

[Formerfiveo]

If someone hasn't already mentioned it (didn't feel like reading through all the blaming and motive judging) be prepared for her NOT to believe you.

 

Provide as much hard evidence as you can, and then go dark on both of them. What she does with your info is up to her.

[whatatangledweb]

 

I do agree that going down there when I'm in such a mood isn't a good idea. I need to calm down. And I won't go there when the kids are there.

 

Do you mean go to their home? Don't do that. She will never view her own home the same way. I can tell you that if my husband's OW came to my home like she kept telling him she would do..I would have saw red and most likely have attacked her. I know my husband allowed her to be with him but I didn't. His wedding ring shows he belongs to someone and it wasn't her. Then to invade my home...it would have been bad.

 

Tell her by phone, in an email, or ask her to meet you somewhere. Her husband is a serial cheater. You are lucky you didn't end up with him. He was messing with others before you and while with you. He won't stop.

[BettyDraper]

Trust me I have never just blamed him for the affair. It's just as much my fault as his. What I do blame him for though was the things he said to me after it started. I never expected anything more than to see him a couple of times and that was that. HE WAS the one that said he loved me and was going to leave. HE said he wanted to marry me.

He made all.the promises. There was even a couple of points where I messaged to day I can't do it anymore and he begged me to stay with him.

Yes I was stupid to believe his lies but what can I say? I was blinded by love.

 

I never want him back. She's more than welcome to him. I just think she needs to know who she is married to.

 

I do agree that going down there when I'm in such a mood isn't a good idea. I need to calm down. And I won't go there when the kids are there.

 

Until your MM turned out to be the typical liar that they all are, you were fine with him being very deceptive to his wife so please don't act like you care about her.

 

Be honest about your motivations and be prepared for any consequences.

The wife has a right to know that her husband is a cheater but this could also backfire on you.

 

I just hope that you don't live in an alienation of affection state.

[SoleMate]

I've seen advice up above from at least 2 different posters that could easily veer into crimes: either extortion, or invasion of privacy under the theory of public disclosure of private facts. That the facts used are true is, surprisingly, NOT a defense to the above. It does seem unfair, but check with a lawyer in your state before you do something you may regret.

 

OP, I'd suggest your priorities should be:

 

1) Go NC. Continued contact is just prolongation of pain. This is total on all platforms: Ashley M, of course, and also text, FB, phone, in person, email, even snail mail. NC applies to the BS too, and also any person or website who links you to either of them.

 

2) Start individual counseling, focused on self-esteem, boundaries, decision making, life goals, and being true to yourself. If you were fully healthy I don't think you would have thrown yourself eyes wide open into such a destructive activity.

 

3) Plan your life going forward. Choose to do things that align with your values. Friends, family, pets, community, the arts, outdoors, religion, politics, crafts, music, dance, writing....whatever.

 

4) Avoid seeking male companionship of any sort for a time, until you get your manpicker overhauled and checked out. Just focus on female friends and family. No 1:1 time with any adult male for now except perhaps a lawyer or doctor.

 

That's what's most important for you IMO. If you get all of the above going, you likely won't have much time left, but if you do, the following step is optional:

 

5) Consult with a family lawyer about the pros and cons of disclosure, and especially the risks, be they legal or more personal. If you choose, work with the lawyer to develop an info packet (definitely include that AM profile as the cover sheet) that the lawyer will then pass on to BS. Do not act in anger, wait until you're cooled down and recovered and can see clearly. Be prepared for hard blowback.....NOBODY on earth is going to thank you for that packet. I do see there are potentially strong arguments to be made for disclosure in the interest of the BS. It is not your job to convince the BS. At most, you would be placing evidence in front of her and it would be totally her choice as to what to do about it. Try to avoid even thinking about her reaction, remembering that many or most BS in that situation will end up staying.

 

Good luck!

[eye of the storm]

Nobody likes to accept the consequences of their actions. But you sought out a cheater. He didn't search you out, he didn't groom you, you were actively searching for a cheater. Well, you found one.

 

I tell my kids (and myself) that stupidity is painful. Meaning when you choose to do something stupid, expect the pain to be on par for the stupid choice.

 

Look in a mirror and be honest. You started all this pain by actively looking for someone who lies and cheats. I'm sorry it hurts. I'm sorry for your pain and suffering.

 

I'm not throwing stones. I'm trying to heal from my own stupid choices. And I'm suffering. But I accept it was 100% my choice to get into an A. And it was 100% your choice too.

 

Going after the MM will only keep you tied to him.

 

Walk away, get some help, heal, find peace.

[dreamingoftigers]

I see where Largo is coming from.

 

In the situation of being a BS, I see myself tearing shreds from the OW. Killing the messenger so to speak.

 

What I do later would have to be figured out. But she certainly wouldn't be receiving my thanks.

 

Honestly, I have mentally prepared myself after reading so many of these threads to one day receive that phone call and be the most gracious person I can be so I can get accurate information. Hell, I might be able to depose her if I play my cards right.

[dreamingoftigers]

Trust me I have never just blamed him for the affair. It's just as much my fault as his. What I do blame him for though was the things he said to me after it started. I never expected anything more than to see him a couple of times and that was that. HE WAS the one that said he loved me and was going to leave. HE said he wanted to marry me.

He made all.the promises. There was even a couple of points where I messaged to day I can't do it anymore and he begged me to stay with him.

Yes I was stupid to believe his lies but what can I say? I was blinded by love.

 

I never want him back. She's more than welcome to him. I just think she needs to know who she is married to.

 

I do agree that going down there when I'm in such a mood isn't a good idea. I need to calm down. And I won't go there when the kids are there.

 

Please gather proof.

 

She may not react well at all TO BEGIN WITH. But honestly, he is completely sucking her life dry.

 

SO many MM act like they are doing their wives a favor by staying with them but I can honestly guarantee there's a big hole in their relationship and she probably can't figure it out. She might have even chalked it up as hopeless or him being "stressed" or whatever. It's a really empty feeling.

 

Imagine living with a con artist that was slowly draining all of your accounts that is planning on walking away eventually, leaving you with nothing and giving it all to some other woman. That is essentially what he's doing.

 

Plus he's playing Russian Roulette with her health.

[elaine567]

I think all this potential "insane" BS behaviour, is just justification for keeping it a secret and for some on here it is highly uncomfortable thinking that "telling the wife" would be a good thing to do.

That is the last thing they would want... so they defend the opposing view vehemently.

Conflict avoidant people congregate in affairs and this is just an extension of conflict avoidant behaviour.

OMG - don't tell the wife there may be a fight...OMG, OMG, OMG...

[crazyinlove27]

Until your MM turned out to be the typical liar that they all are, you were fine with him being very deceptive to his wife so please don't act like you care about her.

 

Be honest about your motivations and be prepared for any consequences.

The wife has a right to know that her husband is a cheater but this could also backfire on you.

 

I just hope that you don't live in an alienation of affection state.

 

I've never pretended to care for the wife. I know that makes me sound horrible but I never thought about her when I was happily in the affair so I won't pretend to now. I'm doing this to hurt him.

[Noirek]

I would think his AM account would be damning enough and all you would need. Even if he managed to gaslight his way out of it, It would definetly be a flag for any BS who wants to know what is going on and start them digging. And you could give that anonymously. Screenshots, links, ect.

[crazyinlove27]

I would think his AM account would be damning enough and all you would need. Even if he managed to gaslight his way out of it, It would definetly be a flag for any BS who wants to know what is going on and start them digging. And you could give that anonymously. Screenshots, links, ect.

 

I've got loads of screenshots photos and I have found him on a couple of other sites so I've got more than enough evidence to prove what he is.

I've even got videos of us when we've been in his house together and photos of us.

[Starswillshine]

BS here. First time caller, long time listener. It has been good for me to see this storm from the other side.

 

As I a BS, I sometimes wonder if I would rather it all to have ended without me knowing about it. But the truth is, nothing would have gotten fixed, and my WH would find himself in the same position later down the road. I know that may sound cowardly, but the pain is unbearable at times.

 

Ultimately, I believe it is best for the BS to know. Regardless of who it comes from. My advice, be very gentle with her. Acknowledge your part in it. You went in search of a married man, you deserve to own that. Do not expect any niceties, you do not deserve it. If you can figure out a time that she can receive the info that isn't going to be in the middle of say a kid's event (this is when I found out, I lost control, embarrassed myself and my children).** Don't do it anomously, let her know who you are. Send 2 different emails. The first one, stating who you are, the short of your relationship with her wh, and warn her the next day you will send the details and all the proof. That way she won't be blindsided... Won't open an email or letter or whatever in public or family gathering, etc. She can decide on her own whether she wants to read all the details, but she has the option. Give her a small timetable to contact you (maybe a week or so) and then block him and her and go absolutely no contact with either.

 

What is done is done, be kind to yourself, allow yourself to grieve, to heal. And try not to think about what is going on in their marriage. Consider yourself lucky, you got out. Part of what I am jealous at the ow for... she gets to run as far as possible from him, I have a lot more collateral damage to just run (kids, finances, etc). Don't assume when she is angry at you and back lashes at you, that all is wonderful in fairyland. Our OW thought the same way. Thought I was blaming solely her regardless the fact I told her multiple times I placed the blame on him. Though I still told her what I thought of her. I was not nice, I am embarrassed at the way I spoke to another human being. My WH is in living hell. Not because I want him to but because I can't seem to look at him without feeling so much hurt I want to die. The anger is over the top. I know most ow will say "Why don't you leave?" Trust me, I have been on the brink many times... we just have a long marriage and children and a life we built, I feel I owe it to everyone in our house to see if we can repair it. Unfortunately it doesn't look good for us, but I am giving it time to see if I can look at him with love instead of hurt and anger.

 

And yes, MM will make you out to be a crazy stalker, bunny boiler type. My WH sure did (verdict is out on whether she is or not because she didn't help herself in the aftermath of dday) which is why proof is important.

 

Because my WH and his OW are both proven liars with their agendas, I will never know what part of my life is truth and which part is lies. And it is crazy making. So if you can give her that relief... maybe one day, she will be thankful.

 

I am just rambling... I know your motives are for revenge, but I still think the BS should know.

[Noirek]

I've got loads of screenshots photos and I have found him on a couple of other sites so I've got more than enough evidence to prove what he is.

I've even got videos of us when we've been in his house together and photos of us.

 

I'm not in the BS will go crazy camp but I would be cautious with handing out videos or photos with nudity of yourself if you have that. Besides the fact that most BS don't want to actually see their WS in the act. So if by video thats what you have, don't share those. once those are out of your hands they not only will damage her but they can damage you either by her hands or his.

[Starswillshine]

Also, do NOT lie or embellish anything. Do not make him sound worse than he already is. If you lie or exaggerate any part of it, it will leave the door wide open for him to show how much you are a liar. That is the problem our OW had. She straight made up some things and when I originally asked her, she protected him. So nothing can be trusted from her.

 

What I am saying is this... don't help him be able to disprove you. Give her the facts and proof. If you don't have proof to back it up, don't even bother mentioning it.

[goodyblue]

WHy in the world is there always this rhetoric to paint the BS as insane?

 

If she was that insane do you think the MM would risk cheating on her?

 

He seems insane frankly.

 

I think that people behave differently in different situations and you just never know. I mean really, we read all the time about OW who stalk, won't go away, whatever, and I think a BS has the same ability to be dangerous. That needs to be taken into account. Also the MM losing his sh*t and being dangerous is possible for the OW so that also should be considered.

 

I don't think BS's are insane, but the one in our situation certainly did a lot of crazy stuff. So take from it what you will. Frankly I don't like people blowing it off like it never happens.

[dreamingoftigers]

I think all this potential "insane" BS behaviour, is just justification for keeping it a secret and for some on here it is highly uncomfortable thinking that "telling the wife" would be a good thing to do.

That is the last thing they would want... so they defend the opposing view vehemently.

Conflict avoidant people congregate in affairs and this is just an extension of conflict avoidant behaviour.

OMG - don't tell the wife there may be a fight...OMG, OMG, OMG...

 

I am probably going to steal this and quote it everywhere.