feeling depressed ****Updated**** Telling his wife

[crazyinlove27]

I thought it was over and you were going to tell his wife? Wasn't that was this was all about?

 

Yes it's over I was just saying that I had been to his house previouly as someone had asked if I had been to their house.

As for me telling his wife I'm on two minds. I was very angry at him at that time so not sure what to do.

[crazyinlove27]

I don't think it's right If I go here house but I haven't got any way of contacting her.

[seren]

Crazyinlove, I am still perplexed as to why you think it is your role and right to tell her anything. The, telling the BS after the fact is never about wanting to right a wrong, it is always about getting your (general you) own back and creating drama in their lives, no matter what anyone tells themselves it is usually about, while in the affair secrecy and deceit were fine, but now the OW/OM has been left, then the affair was awful, terrible and the BS needs to know. Sorry, but that is all about feeling if it isn't me and the WS, then I will wreak any and all the destruction I can. After the dust has settled and you have told, nothing will change for you, you will still be left feeling betrayed and maybe feel bad about the fallout your telling would do. Going to her home might be bad for you, it is her safe place, her family home and believe me, she will fight tooth and nail to defend it and to get you as far away from it as possible. That really might not go down as you think.

 

It sounds very much like you are hurt, feel he has let you down and I imagine it is very hurtful, painful and that you are thinking he has got away with everything and you are the one left with nothing to show for the affair and giving your love. I am afraid after reading these boards, after seeing friends be the OW, it is par for the course and only goes away with time, with healing and with realising that no one, man or woman should knowingly share the person they love, and no WS should expect them to do so, it smacks of a lack of respect and it smacks of them having their cake, eating it and expecting the cake to be there whenever they open the cupboard door.

 

Around this time of year I reminded of my very lovely friend who had an A for 15 yrs and never once listened to those of us who loved her and walk away, she believed with all that she had that she was waiting for this time or that time for the man she adored to leave his wife, he never, ever did and she took her life. For what? the WS and his wife still do the things they always did, they have a full life, grandkids, holidays, Christmas, my friend is not thought about, the BS knows about the A and life goes on, except for Abi.

 

I have posted a lot these past few days as she weighs heavily on my mind, I hate all A's, for both the BS and the OW/OM as they are just waiting for the WS to decide what to do and either or both will be hurt by his or her decision. Telling someone you have had an affair and a hand in their life imploding is not easy, it can be done the right way, by letting the BS dictate what they know and when and how, or by just throwing it into their world like a time bomb and walking away while they wonder WTF. You know where she lives, send a note, let her know if she wants to know then you will answer, one time only, set up a temporary email address and do it that way. But I ask that you think very hard about the envelope drop or the doorstep bomb drop. I wouldn't want the image of looking at a person while the bottom drops out of their world to be in my head, not for a moment.

 

If Abi had lived, she would be with me this year celebrating Christmas, I would laugh with her, we would do our silly dance wearing our finery and we would hopefully talk about the horrible things we wished for the WS before talking about her new life. I cannot do that with her and it breaks my heart that an affair, a deceitful man who promised her the moon on a stick is living his life as though she never existed. But, a part of me would rejoice that she was free of the drama, that she hopefully had found someone who could show his love for her with the world and not keep her hidden just to brighten up his ordinary life. I hope you find someone who can say to the world this is my girlfriend, this is who I love, for you, it isn't the OM, but it will be someone someday. Don't clutter up your head with revenge, hate or getting even, but if you do tell, do it with dignity. The OW in my life did and I will defend her to the hilt as she showed grace and an understanding of what is was to be me at that time. i hope all goes well and you do the right thing, for you.

Edited December 2, 2016 by seren

[whichwayisup]

I don't think it's right If I go here house but I haven't got any way of contacting her.

 

You write her hand written letter to the house since you've been there you should know the address.

 

Do NOT show up at their house to talk to her. If you do that she's liable to call the cops on you.

[aileD]

You write her hand written letter to the house since you've been there you should know the address.

 

Do NOT show up at their house to talk to her. If you do that she's liable to call the cops on you.

 

Especially if there's kids there. OW came to our house once and left a bag of stuff on the porch-- junk that H had given her, pictures of her and all that crap. Kids saw but we intercepted.

 

If she would have had the nerve to ring my doorbell I would have punched her in the face.

[wmacbride]

op,

 

what you do boils down tot he type of person you want to be. Ask yourself your motives for telling, and then give it a lot of thought.

 

 

With a few exceptions,I'm in favour of the bs finding out, if for no other reason than it will allow him or her to have a full knowledge of what is going on in his or her life so they can make choices accordingly. If you were in her position, isn't that what you would want?

 

My issue is that if you tell her because you re angry at him, you may do it in a way that is unnecessarily cruel, and while that may feel good ( getting back at him) think of the long term. A year from now, how will you feel?Five years from now?

 

I do think she should know if her spouse has been cheating, and if you are the only way she'll find out, so be it. Just please do so in a way that gives her facts without being cruel. What feel good now may feel horrible a year from now. Find your compassion and use that as your guide.

[goodyblue]

What I find interesting is that BS want to be told and expect to have a say in how it is relayed. That isn't how it works,

 

Things that happen like what happened to aile should NEVER happen. But it does, because people are hurt, and angry, want the MM to hurt too. Many OW have been strung along and they put their heart and future in the hands of another (I don't want to hear MM lie, mine never lied to me and lied by omission to his ex). We believe them because we love them and want to have our happy ending.

 

The MM rarely goes through the hell the OW or BS do.

 

I don't know which is worse, finding a bag of stuff on the stoop or not knowing. And don't blame anyone but your WH. They put you in this situation. OW is heartbroken, MM just wants to go on with their life and that is why that stuff happens. Because most of the time OW cannot understand how he could be so loving and kind, offer a future, then drop her like a hot rock.

 

So if you think telling is ok, that's cool, but you can't then question how OW tell.

 

JMO

[goodyblue]

op,

 

what you do boils down tot he type of person you want to be. Ask yourself your motives for telling, and then give it a lot of thought.

 

 

With a few exceptions,I'm in favour of the bs finding out, if for no other reason than it will allow him or her to have a full knowledge of what is going on in his or her life so they can make choices accordingly. If you were in her position, isn't that what you would want?

 

My issue is that if you tell her because you re angry at him, you may do it in a way that is unnecessarily cruel, and while that may feel good ( getting back at him) think of the long term. A year from now, how will you feel?Five years from now?

 

I do think she should know if her spouse has been cheating, and if you are the only way she'll find out, so be it. Just please do so in a way that gives her facts without being cruel. What feel good now may feel horrible a year from now. Find your compassion and use that as your guide.

 

A year from now, I probably would still feel justified since he ruined my life, broke my heart, betrayed his wife, she took him back and he just moved on. And in a lot of cases, contacted OW to restart after the dust settles.

[GollumsNightmare]

I wholeheartedly disagree with you Goody.

 

Why the heck CAN'T we suggest that the way to tell the BS should be in the most humane way possible? That is just common decency.

 

I would suggest: not in person, not dumping a bag on the doorstep, write a sincere letter with enough detail that the A cannot be denied, and perhaps share an email address where they can contact you if there is more information to share.

[wmacbride]

A year from now, I probably would still feel justified since he ruined my life, broke my heart, betrayed his wife, she took him back and he just moved on. And in a lot of cases, contacted OW to restart after the dust settles.

 

So the person who played a 50% role in the bs getting hurt suddenly cares whether or not the bs is hurt and wants to tell her?

 

To me, that sounds more like sour grapes since the A didn't work out. " my affair relationship didn't work out, so I will do what I can to spoil his M so he hurts too?, Just as in the A, the bs becomes collateral damage for her ws and ow.

[crazyinlove27]

I recently wrote a thread about me wanting to tell my xmm about our affair. I have decided against this.

For a lot of reasons but I think I was angry that night and totally lost control of reality and I've had time to calm down and think of the consequences of telling her.

 

We had originally decided that we wanted to stay friends but I felt like I couldn't fully move on from him while I was still in constant contact with him.

 

On Friday monring I sent him a message saying I don't think it's a good idea us being friends and that we shouldn't contact eachother anymore. The conversation ended with him saying "you know where I am if you change your mind" I didn't reply.

 

I'm 3 days in and I'm not too bad. Might need some support at some point. We are still friends on Facebook (he never posts anything on his )

Today would have been a year when we started talking. I feel emotional.

 

I can't bring myself to delete him on Facebook.

 

Just thought I would let people know that I decided not to tell his wife.

[Onlywhenitrains]

I recently wrote a thread about me wanting to tell my xmm about our affair. I have decided against this.

For a lot of reasons but I think I was angry that night and totally lost control of reality and I've had time to calm down and think of the consequences of telling her.

 

We had originally decided that we wanted to stay friends but I felt like I couldn't fully move on from him while I was still in constant contact with him.

 

On Friday monring I sent him a message saying I don't think it's a good idea us being friends and that we shouldn't contact eachother anymore. The conversation ended with him saying "you know where I am if you change your mind" I didn't reply.

 

I'm 3 days in and I'm not too bad. Might need some support at some point. We are still friends on Facebook (he never posts anything on his )

Today would have been a year when we started talking. I feel emotional.

 

I can't bring myself to delete him on Facebook.

 

Just thought I would let people know that I decided not to tell his wife.

 

I'm glad you decided to move on with your life, focus on you, and heal. I wish you all the best! It takes time and patience, but it is possible. Stay stron and don't give up on yourself!

[whichwayisup]

Since you're not ready to delete him then do yourself a favor and unfollow him that way you won't see if he does post. Make a huge effort not to lurk his facebook page.

 

Heal well and look forward, not backwards. I really hope you stay in NC mode for your own sake, even if he reaches out in the future, ignore.

[crazyinlove27]

I'm glad you decided to move on with your life, focus on you, and heal. I wish you all the best! It takes time and patience, but it is possible. Stay stron and don't give up on yourself!

 

Thank you for replying. I feel like messaging him but I stop myself.

I wonder if he thinks about me at all. I think I need some sort of counselling to make me understand the reasons why my self esteem is so low.

[whichwayisup]

Thank you for replying. I feel like messaging him but I stop myself.

I wonder if he thinks about me at all. I think I need some sort of counselling to make me understand the reasons why my self esteem is so low.

 

Great idea! Please do counseling to help you cope and grieve this in a healthy way and fix the insecurities and broken bits in you. I believe though that you're much stronger than you realize.

 

Next time you feel like messaging him, post what you want to say to him here on your thread so you won't reach out to him.

[crazyinlove27]

Since you're not ready to delete him then do yourself a favor and unfollow him that way you won't see if he does post. Make a huge effort not to lurk his facebook page.

 

Heal well and look forward, not backwards. I really hope you stay in NC mode for your own sake, even if he reaches out in the future, ignore.

 

He hasn't posted anything since 2012. Lol.

I always check to see if he's added anyone as a friend. I know that's not good but I can't help myself.

 

I will. It will be tough but I know it's for the best. I wanted to tell his wife as I thought I will be jealous if he has another affair but the only thing I should feel is pity.

 

I'm the only one that can move on fully from this. He his stuck in a marriage because of his kids (so he says) his wife is with a lying cheater and I can hopefully find someone who is faithful and be happy.

[crazyinlove27]

Great idea! Please do counseling to help you cope and grieve this in a healthy way and fix the insecurities and broken bits in you. I believe though that you're much stronger than you realize.

 

Next time you feel like messaging him, post what you want to say to him here on your thread so you won't reach out to him.

 

Thanks.

That's a really good idea about posting what I want to say on here rather than messaging him.

[whichwayisup]

He hasn't posted anything since 2012. Lol.

I always check to see if he's added anyone as a friend. I know that's not good but I can't help myself.

 

I will. It will be tough but I know it's for the best. I wanted to tell his wife as I thought I will be jealous if he has another affair but the only thing I should feel is pity.

 

I'm the only one that can move on fully from this. He his stuck in a marriage because of his kids (so he says) his wife is with a lying cheater and I can hopefully find someone who is faithful and be happy.

 

Bolded..That you know of! He could have blocked you from seeing posts that he makes... Just sayin'.

 

If he has another affair, so be it. It's not your place to try to manipulate or control his life and his choices. He's a big boy and can take of himself.

 

Yes exactly..So move on from it. I am pushing you to delete him since he rarely uses fb. If you want to go NC, do it on ALL levels and that includes social media aka facebook. Delete - have a panic attack over it and then allow yourself to feel strong and empowered by taking control over your life!

[darkmoon]

find proper friends, ones you can phone up at home and see over the holidays and birthdays, a new chapter in your life awaits, do not avoid it

[mrs rubble]

I recently wrote a thread about me wanting to tell my xmm about our affair. I have decided against this.

For a lot of reasons but I think I was angry that night and totally lost control of reality and I've had time to calm down and think of the consequences of telling her.

 

We had originally decided that we wanted to stay friends but I felt like I couldn't fully move on from him while I was still in constant contact with him.

 

On Friday monring I sent him a message saying I don't think it's a good idea us being friends and that we shouldn't contact eachother anymore. The conversation ended with him saying "you know where I am if you change your mind" I didn't reply.

 

I'm 3 days in and I'm not too bad. Might need some support at some point. We are still friends on Facebook (he never posts anything on his )

Today would have been a year when we started talking. I feel emotional.

 

I can't bring myself to delete him on Facebook.

 

Just thought I would let people know that I decided not to tell his wife.

Good on you. Wishing you all the best.

I hope you do get counselling and get to learn and grow from this experience. Stay strong. He was never good enough for you.

[wmacbride]

Thank you for replying. I feel like messaging him but I stop myself.

I wonder if he thinks about me at all. I think I need some sort of counselling to make me understand the reasons why my self esteem is so low.

 

If you don't mind a piece of advice, I would suggest that you stop viewing affairs as some sort of special relationship, and start seeing it as a failed romance, which is what it is.

 

say you were dating a guy and the relationship had run its course. you break up and that's the end of it. Does that reflect on you? Does it mean there is something wrong with you?

 

No. It just means that the relationship,like the majority of romances,had run its course and is over. That is no reflection on you, and does not mean there is something wrong with you. While it a counselor could give your self esteem "tune up" and that can be a great thing, in the meantime, you can start yourself on the path to feeling better on your own.

[William]

It's truly a bad situation when i review a thread and it's been threadjacked so bad that I have to check back numerous times to remember who the OP was!!!

 

Those that contributed to that have already heard from me, so we will now return this thread back to the person who started it (thats crazyinlove27 for those trying to follow along at home). ~T

[crazyinlove27]

7 days nc and I want to message him just to tell him how much I hate him for what he has done to me. Having a really bad day

[drypuddle]

7 days nc and I want to message him just to tell him how much I hate him for what he has done to me. Having a really bad day

 

I totally understand where you are at as I am struggling the same today!! Don't give in to those temptations... keep your head up and looking forward!

[crazyinlove27]

I totally understand where you are at as I am struggling the same today!! Don't give in to those temptations... keep your head up and looking forward!

 

It's so hard isn't it. We can do it ?. We need to look forward and not look back. How long has it been for you?