the Ex Friendzone

[Apricotjelly90]

Hi all! First time poster here

 

I recently moved to a new country following my boyfriend, who I'd been with for 7 months. 3 weeks before my moving he broke up with me because he wasnt feeling the magic, it is sort of understandable since we met on tinder, hooked up on our first date and were together ever since, there was no infatuation, no push and pull or no arguments, we always talked through or issues.

 

I went NC straight away and worked on myself, lost weight, traveled and researched different topics he wished he could discuss with me. A month later I reached out to him because I found myself in trouble in my new country and I had noone else to talk to.

 

Since then we started hanging out again and things were like nothing had happened, only there's no physical contact, no kisses or words of affection. We have fun together and have our usual complicity, even his friends say we are perfect for each other and he has nothing but good words about me, we hang out regularly and talk almost every day, we even stay over at each others place if it gets too late, we sleep in our underwear but nothing happens. He said he still has a tremendous amount of love for me and never wanted to lose me as a friend.

 

I thought I had moved on but when I am with him we make so much sense I cant stand the idea of us not being together. I have had a couple of dates with other guys but it only makes things worse because I cant stop thinking how they dont get me like he does.

 

So my question is, do you guys think I am on the right track or am I digging my grave into the Friend Zone? Does the fact that he hasnt made a move show he's not interested? I would appreciate any advice that doesnt include going NC again or removing him from my life completely and moving on since he's the only friend I have here and that would be setting myself up for failure.

[major_merrick]

I would say... declare your love for him and try again. If it works out, you have what you want. If it doesn't, make it clear you still want to be friends.

 

I've got a guy in my life that is like that. We were childhood friends, dated in school, and tried to make it work. It just didn't. And I'm a lesbian, so that didn't help. We've stayed friends in spite of our romance, and we care deeply about each other. He's happy now with his wonderful family, and I hang out with them a lot. We're very close, and I wouldn't change it.

[Apricotjelly90]

I would say... declare your love for him and try again. If it works out, you have what you want. If it doesn't, make it clear you still want to be friends.

 

I've got a guy in my life that is like that. We were childhood friends, dated in school, and tried to make it work. It just didn't. And I'm a lesbian, so that didn't help. We've stayed friends in spite of our romance, and we care deeply about each other. He's happy now with his wonderful family, and I hang out with them a lot. We're very close, and I wouldn't change it.

 

Im afraid if I do that I'll come off as needy and show I haven't moved on or changed at all and he'll remove himself from my life not to hurt me.

[Sweetfish]

Im afraid if I do that I'll come off as needy and show I haven't moved on or changed at all and he'll remove himself from my life not to hurt me.

 

I agree... I would slightly pull away and become more busy. A month is not enough to miss someone.

 

Also, describe your ex

Edited November 13, 2016 by Sweetfish

[Apricotjelly90]

I agree... I would slightly pull away and become more busy. A month is not enough to miss someone.

 

Also, describe your ex

 

My ex (31M) is genuinely a good person, I know he cares about me and has a lot of love for me, he wouldnt cheat on me or do anything to hurt me. The issue is he had a troubled childhood, his father was very hard on him to be perfect and he has always had problems getting over the fact that his partners are flawed and may not be perfect, no girl has ever been good enough for him, he's seeing a therapist because of this, also his first girlfriend (the only person he was ever in love with) was bat**** crazy, treated him like sh#t and deeply traumatized him so his vision of love is very distorted. I believe he needs the turmoil and the push and pull which didnt have with me since we met on tinder, click straight away and we'be been together ever since, I dont play games so there was no room for infatuation.

[Apricotjelly90]

UPDATE ---

 

So last week didnt do so well... I started feeling really lonely and trying to meet with my ex more often, coming up with lame excuses to the point where he ended up ignoring my phonecall (which he has never done). I noticed my behaviour and tried to fix it by doing Low contact, I even started seeing a new guy, I dont really like him but he's helping me to keep my mind off of my ex..

 

The thing is, my ex invited me to this party yesterday and afterwards we had to take the same train back, but later I had to take another train and walk 15 minutes to my place in a rough neighborhood so I kind of pushed it and he told me I could stay at his place and we slept in our underwear, which is something we have done a couple of times since we broke up. This morning he woke up moody and I pushed his limits hanging around for too long, admittedly in the hopes that something would happen. So later on we were having breakfast and he told me he felt that I was trying to force intimacy and he was feeling uncomfortable with it because it was an unhealthy relationship and I should respect his need to move on (although I thought he had moved on since it was his decision to break up and the first weeks we were doing great together) this was followed by a 2 hour conversation about our relationship and breakup.

 

At this point I feel like I have made too many mistakes and I wonder if I should go on full NC until christmas, but he's already texting me to check how am I doing and I wonder if ignoring him out of the blue will look like bitterness or game playing. Also the fact that I dont know anybody here would mean going through torture for a month, but I am willing to do it only if it helps removing myself from the friendzone and taking off this needy chasing aura that I have right now. What I dont want is to go through this alone only to find myself in the same situation in a month,

[stillafool]

"3 weeks before my moving he broke up with me because he wasnt feeling the magic, "

 

He meant the above when he said it the first time. He likes you as a friend and that's it. He feels that you want more and he is right. You have to go NC and there's no need to reach out at Christmas either. Unless he contacts you and wants you back there's no place for him in your life. Sooner or later he is going to meet a girl he wants to date and you will feel destoyed. Get out now.

[Satu]

I don't think that this relationship has the necessary foundations for a romantic pairing.

 

It seems to be more a friendship of utility: "Because I found myself in trouble in my new country and I had no-one else to talk to".

 

You also said:

 

"I started feeling really lonely and trying to meet with my ex more often, coming up with lame excuses to the point where he ended up ignoring my phonecall (which he has never done). I noticed my behaviour and tried to fix it by doing Low contact, I even started seeing a new guy, *I don't really like him* but he's helping me to keep my mind off of my ex.."

 

You need to learn how to take care of yourself, so that you won't need to grab onto other people so much.

 

You are simply using the second guy, which is not good.

 

You'll need to make some new friends.

 

Are you afraid of being alone, or feel you can't cope emotionally, when alone?

 

 

Take care.

[Sweetfish]

UPDATE ---

 

So last week didnt do so well... I started feeling really lonely and trying to meet with my ex more often, coming up with lame excuses to the point where he ended up ignoring my phonecall (which he has never done). I noticed my behaviour and tried to fix it by doing Low contact, I even started seeing a new guy, I dont really like him but he's helping me to keep my mind off of my ex..

 

The thing is, my ex invited me to this party yesterday and afterwards we had to take the same train back, but later I had to take another train and walk 15 minutes to my place in a rough neighborhood so I kind of pushed it and he told me I could stay at his place and we slept in our underwear, which is something we have done a couple of times since we broke up. This morning he woke up moody and I pushed his limits hanging around for too long, admittedly in the hopes that something would happen. So later on we were having breakfast and he told me he felt that I was trying to force intimacy and he was feeling uncomfortable with it because it was an unhealthy relationship and I should respect his need to move on (although I thought he had moved on since it was his decision to break up and the first weeks we were doing great together) this was followed by a 2 hour conversation about our relationship and breakup.

 

At this point I feel like I have made too many mistakes and I wonder if I should go on full NC until christmas, but he's already texting me to check how am I doing and I wonder if ignoring him out of the blue will look like bitterness or game playing. Also the fact that I dont know anybody here would mean going through torture for a month, but I am willing to do it only if it helps removing myself from the friendzone and taking off this needy chasing aura that I have right now. What I dont want is to go through this alone only to find myself in the same situation in a month,

 

 

 

I repeat a month is not long enough to miss someone

[Apricotjelly90]

I don't think that this relationship has the necessary foundations for a romantic pairing.

 

It seems to be more a friendship of utility: "Because I found myself in trouble in my new country and I had no-one else to talk to".

 

You also said:

 

"I started feeling really lonely and trying to meet with my ex more often, coming up with lame excuses to the point where he ended up ignoring my phonecall (which he has never done). I noticed my behaviour and tried to fix it by doing Low contact, I even started seeing a new guy, *I don't really like him* but he's helping me to keep my mind off of my ex.."

 

You need to learn how to take care of yourself, so that you won't need to grab onto other people so much.

 

You are simply using the second guy, which is not good.

 

You'll need to make some new friends.

 

Are you afraid of being alone, or feel you can't cope emotionally, when alone?

 

 

Take care.

 

I don't think this is in any way a friendship of utility, but rather me and my ex deeply caring for each other despite not being in a romantic relationship, he also has his issues which I help him and comfort him with.

 

As for this other guy, I don't think there's any misinterpretation as to where we stand (sex and casual fun together) if I was to see he's catching feelings and wants more I wouldn't hesitate to cut contact with him.

 

I am not afraid to be single, but I am indeed afraid to be completely alone in the world, we are talking about a change of continent here so I can't even reach out to my family and friends because of time difference so I am finding it especially difficult to cope and I am aware I am coming across as needy, which is something I have never considered myself to be, and trust me I am disgusted with myself.

[Apricotjelly90]

My ex has invited me to his house warming party and I have said I am not sure I will be able to attend, giving him a lame excuse. On the one hand I feel like he's giving me breadcrumps and doing it for charity since I dont have many friends here and he knows I'm lonely, also another reason he wants me there because he wants his party to be a success. Also it would help me remove my neediness aura.

 

On the other hand I could show up looking hot as lava and just have a good time and show I'm over all the drama, he always gets good opinions of me from his friends and he knows a couple of the guys assisting like me.

 

Which option will increase my chances of eventually getting him back?

[Scarlett.O'hara]

I'm sorry, but I really don't think you can get him back.

 

Turning up to his party looking your hottest isn't going to change his mind. Let's be honest, he had you in his bed wearing virtually nothing and didn't make a move, you are officially friendzoned. It sucks, but it is true.

 

This isn't a reflection on your desirability because clearly you can get dates with other guys, so in the long run you will meet someone better.

 

I would strongly advise you to think twice about going to his party with any sort of agenda, because he will see right through it. It doesn't matter how great his friends think you are, he has made up his mind.

 

It might be a good idea to back off for a while so you can start to let go of your romantic attachment to him. While you feel this way no other guy will stand a chance.

 

More important than dating right now is making some new friends to help you settle in.

[Apricotjelly90]

After our conversation I stopped reaching out to him, hoping to give him some room to miss me, I also started making new friends and going out (he obviously knows about this) and to my surprise he started reaching out to me pretty much every day. Mostly to send me memes or to talk about his problems. Yesterday he admitted he'd felt very depressed last week:

 

"i feel lonely, i lack emotional connection with anyone. Now I know you're not the best person to talk about that with... i made my choices and i don't regret them, but i don't feel good. It sucks because lately you are the one i had the biggest emotional connection with, and now i don't want to feed it because i don't want you to be tired of my **** which would seem like the most natural thing to me"

 

I am so confused, he is saying one thing and the opposite. I read the other day about a psychologist that said right after a breakup there's relief and guilt. 2-3 months in there starts to be feelings of loneliness and missing the partner, and then 5-6 months after the breakup it's when the dumper really misses the ex, all the negative feelings are gone and he's willing to come back. So far he's followed steps 1 and 2 to the dot and I wonder if this is just a tiny silver lining leading to step 3.

There were really no issues with our relationship so I don't know how can he be so sure about the breakup, maybe to not give me false hope or to convince himself? I also wonder if I should continue what I was doing and not reaching out or I should keep a steady flow of conversation between us to improve the bond that we have

[Scarlett.O'hara]

My interpretation of what he wrote was that he is feeling lonely and feeling sorry for himself, and that you are the only one who will listen and understand, which he realizes is wrong because he doesn't want to give you the wrong idea.

 

Most significantly he said that he he made his choice (presumably the breakup) and does not regret it. This makes me suspect his motives are all about his needs, feeling depressed and needing support.

 

You obviously get along well enough for him to confide in you, but he is doing it at your expense. He may continue to see you as a friend (maybe even a close one), meanwhile you are hoping for more.

 

I know how much you want this to work out but the last thing you need is to allow yourself to grow more attached to him only to have you heart broken all over again.

 

My advice would be to continue to keep him at a distance and try not to become too emotionally involved. You are building a new life for yourself with new friends which is the most important thing right now.

[Apricotjelly90]

Thank you very much for your comments, I did interpret it the same way as you did (he's lonely and is using me for his needs).

 

However, yesterday he reached out to me again, and I sent him a photo of me wearing a fake mustache that I had found in an old coat and belonged to him. And he replied "you look mega hot btw"

 

I am so confused, I thought one of the reasons he broke up with me was because he wasnt attracted to me anymore. But if he still finds me hot, he says he has a lot of love for me, he says Im the only person he has a deep emotional connection with, and we work out great as friend WHY THE HELL is he so sure he made the right decision. Unless like I said, he's trying to convince himself to relieve his cognitive dissonance.

[DannyCA]

Thank you very much for your comments, I did interpret it the same way as you did (he's lonely and is using me for his needs).

 

However, yesterday he reached out to me again, and I sent him a photo of me wearing a fake mustache that I had found in an old coat and belonged to him. And he replied "you look mega hot btw"

 

I am so confused, I thought one of the reasons he broke up with me was because he wasnt attracted to me anymore. But if he still finds me hot, he says he has a lot of love for me, he says Im the only person he has a deep emotional connection with, and we work out great as friend WHY THE HELL is he so sure he made the right decision. Unless like I said, he's trying to convince himself to relieve his cognitive dissonance.

 

Look, I'm not trying to sound like an d***, but you kind of sound like a 20 year old girl trying to figure out why her adolescent relationship didn't work out. I'm assuming you're 26 by your name and you said he is 31? You're both too old to be playing these games.

 

But also I think you're in love. There's only one problem, you were together for 7 months. You were still in the honeymoon stage. Only after at least a year or 2 apart with REAL NC will you know if you really loved your ex.

 

You were dumped, not him. It's up to him to be analyzing everything. It's up to him to actually say "I want you back".

 

People say getting back with an ex will never work. I only believe people feel this way because they always see it fail. There's a reason why they always see it fail and you actually mentioned it with that psychology book you read. You said 2-3 months an ex starts to feel loneliness and 5-6 months the ex really starts to miss the ex. This is usually the time frame when ex's get back together.

 

I don't agree when people say getting back with an ex can never work. The reason why it never works is because people let into their surface emotions and go back to the familiar when they feel lonely.

 

Like I said earlier, you can only figure out whether you loved your ex that much and if you really want to give it another honest shot only when you have been real NC for a year or two. But here's the rub, and it's a tough pill to swallow. By the end of that time, when you have had ample time to sort out yourself and your emotions, you might have met someone better or you might realize you were not as in love as you thought. Same goes for him.

 

He made a conscious decision that he didn't want you in his life as his girlfriend. There's no argument to that. It's now up to you to force yourself to live your own life fully, and if he says in a year or so that "he wants you back", you get to make the decision if you want to or not