How does it 'just happen'?

[JustGettingBy]

I've been indirectly getting help from friends about relationships be asking the ones in healthy relationships how their relationships started and the answer I keep getting is 'it just happened' and I want to know what they mean by that. I know when you ask someone about their affair 'it just happened' is a cop out to so they don't have to take responsibility, but I have no idea what it means for normal, healthy relationships.

[Herbalist]

Usually when a healthy relationship "just happened" it means they were not actively looking for a relationship but they just so happened to meet someone (work, hobby, class, volunteering, etc) and developed mutual romantic interest over time.

 

This is a different experience than the dating game where it's a frenzy of prospects that you sort of 'try out' romantically from the get-go, instead of developing a friendship first in a no-pressure, uncomplicated manner, often with a foundation of camaraderie in something (again work, hobby, class, volunteering, etc).

[Eternal Sunshine]

How I envy those people! I have never had a relationship just happen. I always had to actively look for it and it always felt like a job more than anything else. During the periods of time that I wasn't looking, I never met anyone. The longest period of having been dateless was in my late 20s, close to 4 years.

It's funny to me at this point.

[Chris2016]

I don't know how, "it just happens". I wish I knew. How do you go from dialing a wrong number to meeting the love of your life? I guess with so many people on earth stories like that are bound to surface.

[LookAtThisPOst]

Usually when a healthy relationship "just happened" it means they were not actively looking for a relationship but they just so happened to meet someone (work, hobby, class, volunteering, etc) and developed mutual romantic interest over time.

 

If those "over time" scenarios happened to me, it was like, "You're a great guy, but I just don't see you in that way."

[GemmaUK]

If those "over time" scenarios happened to me, it was like, "You're a great guy, but I just don't see you in that way."

 

Then the 'over time' has never happened for you.

If it had then you it would have resulted in a relationship.

 

The 'over time' is the absolute best way IMO.

It's a consistency, gelling of values etc. However, it's also about being able to read body language and yes - those social cues which you choose to disregard as being of any importance whatsoever! Lol!

 

OP, it just happened is when you are not looking, you instinctively take things very slowly, are not under any illusions about any relationship at all - you just end up not forcing anything and getting along.

There is no forced or rushed anything at all and it feels totally amazing...but it's an 'in like' thing that is at the back of your mind and you hope to see them sometime soon again.

If anything you pull back more because you 'feel' more and you would rather not rock the boat until you know for sure that person feels just like you do.

 

OLD or going out with the intention of 'meeting someone' is worlds apart from the 'it just happens' thing.

 

It takes confidence though - the main part of that is total confidence in being alone and without a partner - ironically!

[MJJean]

My "it just happened" was going out with a friend to cheer up and then friend introduced me to some random guy he was talking to. WHAM! I was in love.I I just knew he was "it".

 

Over the next few weeks, I went back to the same club because that was my routine. I'd been meeting friends there for quite some time. I chatted with the guy and our friends were already naturally blending on their own.

 

Not long after, I decided to have a few people over and he was one of those invited. We ended up going on a two hour walk to get beer and talked the whole way. The following week, he asked me out. We've been together ever since.

 

I don't know how, "it just happens". I wish I knew. How do you go from dialing a wrong number to meeting the love of your life? I guess with so many people on earth stories like that are bound to surface.

 

I think you have to actually DO something, lol. You need to recognize an opportunity when it presents itself and then take action.

 

My friend answered a call from a heating and cooling company. They were offering a discount on their vent cleaning. My friend liked the woman's voice, so he started charming her. He was asking about the details of the services, but also being funny and sweet. After he booked his vent and furnace maintenance appointment, he asked her out. She said yes. They started dating. That simple. That was their "it just happened".

[LookAtThisPOst]

The 'over time' is the absolute best way IMO.

 

I agree with you on that. Wow, we agree on something. It's great...in theory, but there was time in my 20s and 30s where I would get to know a woman over time, ask them out to have them say, "Sorry, you're a great guy, but I just don't think of you in that way."

 

Some guys are thinking this method is a bit more deceiving as you're not completely upfront about your romantic intentions and attraction rather sooner than later.

 

There are times even now when out at events with people I've known for a time, that women feel comfortable around me, laughing at my jokes, my humor...they enjoy my company very much. I let things develop organically.

 

Then there will eventually come a time where ONE of them strikes my fancy...I ask them out officially on a date...and they act rather surprised that I did that. lol

 

It's like the thought never occurred to them. "Really? As in a date?" I actually did this with a woman like this, called her up to her ask her out...then after that was done...she calls me back like 5 mins later....

 

Her: "Um...you didn't mean this for to be a date, did you?"

 

Me: "Yes , of course."

 

Her: "Um...well, sorry, you're a great guy, but I'm not interested in you in that way, but...I'll see you around at the Meetups, okay?"

 

Yeah...ouch! Right? lol

Edited November 13, 2016 by LookAtThisPOst

[LookAtThisPOst]

My friend answered a call from a heating and cooling company. They were offering a discount on their vent cleaning. My friend liked the woman's voice, so he started charming her. He was asking about the details of the services, but also being funny and sweet. After he booked his vent and furnace maintenance appointment, he asked her out. She said yes. They started dating. That simple. That was their "it just happened".

 

Considering that "vent cleaning services" are usually a waste of money and rather scammish, there was a reward in all this. llol

[GemmaUK]

I agree with you on that. Wow, we agree on something. It's great...in theory, but there was time in my 20s and 30s where I would get to know a woman over time, ask them out to have them say, "Sorry, you're a great guy, but I just don't think of you in that way."

 

Some guys are thinking this method is a bit more deceiving as you're not completely upfront about your romantic intentions and attraction rather sooner than later.

 

Nope, these guys are honest about it - there is no 'trying to be a friend' thing they just get to know - like you get to know any friend - and then like and then look for signals and give signals.

 

There are times even now when out at events with people I've known for a time, that women feel comfortable around me, laughing at my jokes, my humor...they enjoy my company very much. I let things develop organically.

 

Then there will eventually come a time where ONE of them strikes my fancy...I ask them out officially on a date...and they act rather surprised that I did that. lol

 

It's like the thought never occurred to them. "Really? As in a date?" I actually did this with a woman like this, called her up to her ask her out...then after that was done...she calls me back like 5 mins later....

 

Her: "Um...you didn't mean this for to be a date, did you?"

 

Me: "Yes , of course."

 

Her: "Um...well, sorry, you're a great guy, but I'm not interested in you in that way, but...I'll see you around at the Meetups, okay?"

 

Yeah...ouch! Right? lol

 

No, not right!

Like I said in my last post - you do it all wrong as you refuse to believe in signals and cues every time they are mentioned. You hate it when I bring them up! Lol!

If you had looked for cues you would see these women only see you as friends. Instant comfortableness means you are their new gay best friend.

 

You choose not to listen to any of the body language stuff so get it wrong.

It's up to you to learn or keep doing as you do.

Good luck with that!

[LookAtThisPOst]

Nope, these guys are honest about it - there is no 'trying to be a friend' thing they just get to know - like you get to know any friend - and then like and then look for signals and give signals.

 

 

 

No, not right!

Like I said in my last post - you do it all wrong as you refuse to believe in signals and cues every time they are mentioned. You hate it when I bring them up! Lol!

If you had looked for cues you would see these women only see you as friends. Instant comfortableness means you are their new gay best friend.

 

You choose not to listen to any of the body language stuff so get it wrong.

It's up to you to learn or keep doing as you do.

Good luck with that!

 

The thing is, women's "cues" as you put it, are rather ambiguous, so I and many men I know take action regardless...you know, JUST make sure whether or not there is actual interest.

 

At what point in the approach should you start taking "social cues" to heart? You say, before even APPROACHING in public, which is rather self defeatest. Now if you try to strike up a conversation with a person that didn't give signals from across the room...that's silly, but if you try to talk to a woman...and you can tell she doesn't want to talk to you, well, even I know better not to continue the conversation any further.

 

If I actually took social cues to heart on the side of non-interest, then I'd never be able to make an approach. Approaching a woman is like playing the lottery, at least when you play, you still have a chance.

 

It's actually self-defeatest as using social cues is really just an excuse NOT to approach...after all I could argue that confident men approach regardless whatever "so-called" cues you refer to.

 

You seem rather fixated on this social cue thing as if it were some kind of "end-all-be all" thing. If I chose what you said as gospel, I'd NEVER approach a woman, because some women are ambiguous/ mixed signals as it is anyway.

Edited November 13, 2016 by LookAtThisPOst

[Sand to Glass]

I met my "it just happened" on Craigslist.

 

NOT the personals! I had just bought my home was tearing out the bathroom, but salvaging materials and listing them for free or really cheap (I hate adding to the landfill). He responded for some stuff, was completely cool and professional when we met, then tested the waters later with a little bit of flirtacious texting.

 

This is the first relationship I was neither seeking nor set up for by friends. I had actually JUST resigned from OLD mere days prior for a dating break, and he was still enjoying his post-divorce independence, so there was no seeking from either of us... but this coincidence is by far the strongest connection I've ever felt.

 

In his approach, he made it clear from day 1 that his interest was romantic, not platonic; not in a "hunting" way, but very respectfully. It's hard to explain... when a guy approaches me with an "I want to take you on a date" approach, and I'm ambivalent, I'll be more inclined to go for a complete shutdown. But my SO, after piquing my interest with good banter and a little flirting, used an "auditioning to be your boyfriend" approach, and though I was hesitant (he was a complete stranger) I felt okay keeping him around and trying things out.

 

I'm rambling but... perhaps the difference is establishing the interest without being pushed to a decision? Making his intentions clear but putting the ball in my court. Gave me the reins for more choices than a simple yes/no for a single date. That is what has worked for us.

[Chris2016]

The it happened over time is a great way. I would be observant however of putting your eggs in one basket. I supposed you'll be able to tell, if that's the basket you want to put your eggs in. But if you can't tell, I would also shop around for other baskets.

Edited November 13, 2016 by Chris2016

[preraph]

For me, relationships, good, bad or otherwise, did mostly just happen. But I was also putting myself in the path of anyone I found super interesting too, but mostly, even if I did that, spotting them to begin with happened because we were hanging out in the same place or had the same interests, and mine were mostly all about music.

 

So like the one I call my old flame that I've had a crush on my whole long life, he walked into the music bar I was working at when I was still very young, because he did the poster for the club. He asked me for payphone change and I commented that he sure was dressed nice for someone who needed to borrow phone change, and that elicited a one-word explanation from him: "Alimony." And thus began a lifelong nonconventional love.

 

The next one I met when he walked into my record store. I'd heard that my favorite local band was auditioning guitarists and as it happened one of he ones they auditioned was a date rapist I'd been stalked by, and the other one was unknown to me, but I very much hoped the rapist didn't get the job, of course, and ruin my favorite local band for me. Then one day a new cool looking guy walked into the record store, and I recommended something for him that I loved and he got the band position, and he tormented me for the next few years...

 

...before I met the next one, who I met at a guitar convention while working a booth and he was working a booth and had buttons there from my favorite recorded band. He was still married, but that's when we first talked because it was his favorite band also, and that was a strong bond for us, and next time I ran into him he was separated.

 

So follow your interests and don't ever let yourself have home-only interests. You have to get out in the world and follow your interests and take part to meet the people you'll love. No one's going to just beam in to your bedroom.

Good luck.

[Inflikted]

I wonder a lot about this, myself. I mean, I've never even been on a date, let alone in a relationship, and I'm old enough now that I feel I've missed that boat completely.

 

But I don't understand how people find and connect with each other in such serendipitous ways. That kind of thing never happens to me. I never have that moment where I'm out shopping and some girl accidentally bumps her shopping cart into mine and we have a laugh and strike up a conversation and hit it off. I never have that moment where I'm at a coffee shop or picking up a meal from somewhere and the girl in front of me in line drops something and I pick it up for her and we have a brief chat and hit it off.

 

Stuff like that. That kind of serendipitous thing just doesn't happen for me. Which doesn't seem to leave me with many options. I have no interest in trying out the bar/ club scene, cold approaching random girls, and whatnot.

 

I dunno. I don't get it. I always wonder how, step-by-step, every person met, connected with, and became romantically involved with their significant other. To me, that's a concept I just can't wrap my head around.

[preraph]

Inflikted, it's not going to be when you're out doing something random with random people usually. It's going to be when you're out doing something that you are interested in, a hobby or sport or church or whatever because then you have a common focal point to talk about and have something in common.

[Inflikted]

Inflikted, it's not going to be when you're out doing something random with random people usually. It's going to be when you're out doing something that you are interested in, a hobby or sport or church or whatever because then you have a common focal point to talk about and have something in common.

 

But really, it doesn't matter what or where. Everything is random. I could spend every single minute of my free time doing whatever activities, but it doesn't mean I'd ever meet and connect with anyone through them.

 

So regardless of what someone does or where someone goes, it all comes down to being in the right place at the right time. It's all random. There is no rhyme or reason.

 

And truth be told, I've met plenty of people in relationships that aren't, like, super active, as far as hobbies or activities go. So how did they get involved with their partners? How did those relationships come about?

[LookAtThisPOst]

I'm at a coffee shop.

 

Hm, this reminds me of a time around the holidays I would try to chat up a woman waiting in line for her pumpkin spice as I with my own brew...tis that time of the year again. :-) Time to hang at the coffee shops and approach the ladies sitting and reading. I'd have to grab a magazine or something to read as an excuse to strike up a convo. though. ;-)

[Chris2016]

But really, it doesn't matter what or where. Everything is random. I could spend every single minute of my free time doing whatever activities, but it doesn't mean I'd ever meet and connect with anyone through them.

 

So regardless of what someone does or where someone goes, it all comes down to being in the right place at the right time. It's all random. There is no rhyme or reason.

 

And truth be told, I've met plenty of people in relationships that aren't, like, super active, as far as hobbies or activities go. So how did they get involved with their partners? How did those relationships come about?

 

Or, where one is active but the other isn't. Like in my fitness group. Sometimes it seems like folks in the group would make a better pairing, even though they have a significant other.

[LookAtThisPOst]

Holy crap is that creepy...and it's obviously never worked so perhaps it's time to refine your approach...

 

LOL...I was just playing, don't plan on doing it. Although, in the past I would try to chat up women in the book stores. But that was before the Internet, so there wasn't much of a choice but to come off being creepy by doing that.

[GoreSP]

My understanding of "it just happened" is that it hsppened smoothly and essily.

No drama, no mixed signals, both parties were sincere and clear with their intentions...

[mikeylo]

One of the most successful rate of ' just happened ' is when not looking. At that point the people are most on being themselves and then catch someone's eye. That person sees you in your 'your true' state rather than the formal setting of actively looking. The problem with actively looking is that people pretend to be someone they are not , to impress and that is why they fail after a while( not all , just saying ). And that is complete opposite to the just happened relationship.

[preraph]

But really, it doesn't matter what or where. Everything is random. I could spend every single minute of my free time doing whatever activities, but it doesn't mean I'd ever meet and connect with anyone through them.

 

So regardless of what someone does or where someone goes, it all comes down to being in the right place at the right time. It's all random. There is no rhyme or reason.

 

And truth be told, I've met plenty of people in relationships that aren't, like, super active, as far as hobbies or activities go. So how did they get involved with their partners? How did those relationships come about?

 

That's just not true. When you have a focus and you pursue your focus or interests, as long as they are out amongst people, you will begin repeatedly seeing others out there who are also pursuing their interest and at some point you will talk to them because you're both at the same place doing the same thing. It sounds to me like you just have no concept of social skills and how you can just go talk to someone who is obviously interested and doing what you're doing. I mean, like if you were on a bowling league, would you just not bother to talk to the others there and those bowling against you? It's called socializing, but it's best done within your interests.

[RecentChange]

I put my relationship in the “just happened” category.

 

I was in college, I was having fun, and very much NOT interested in a serious relationship. I had a FWB, and was dating here and there – but all for “fun”. I was going to be finishing school up soon, a move would be in my future, and again, I had no interest in a serious romance.

 

A friend was having a big Halloween bash –I was invited but needed a ride to the party. He had a friend that would be driving by my place on his way – so he put us in touch and we carpooled.

 

We hit it off at the party, had a good time talking till my other friends dragged me away to party hop….

 

He got my number, and was fairly insistent on a date – I decided he was cute – sure why not?

 

Hit off, total fire works – that was 15 years ago.

[RecentChange]

One of the most successful rate of ' just happened ' is when not looking. At that point the people are most on being themselves and then catch someone's eye.

 

And there is a lot to be said about this. Plus, like everyone else is pointing out, being active and social. I am not single, I am not looking - I am not a "10" and I know I know, its a different world for females... but I get "approached" fairly often.

 

My neighborhood group, out jogging I see the same faces often, on my train commute, again, familiar faces and I often strike up conversations, at the stables I keep my horse - you end up chatting with fellow riders, networking events for my industry, again, familiar faces and causal conversations.

 

All places where I find myself meeting people - but I am out going. I'll start the conversation etc.