Is there any hope for reconciliation?

[puppy1031]

Hi all. New here. I'll try to keep this brief.

 

My husband and I have been together for 9 years, married for 7. We don't have children.

 

He told me July 9 that he wanted a divorce, and he filed July 13. Things had been a little rocky for a while but I honestly thought things were getting better in May and June.

 

There were a lot of little things that added up. I've been dealing with depression, he felt needed and not loved, he got accepted to grad school and said he couldn't take care of me while working full-time and doing school, he needs a partner.

 

I found a resource called Divorce Busting by Michelle Weiner-Davis and started her "last resort technique" which is basically stop chasing your spouse, change yourself for the better and get a life, see if they notice and come back. So for the past 3-ish months I've been trying that.

 

October 7, he got drunk and said it was really hard to leave me, but he's still mad at me because he feels used. He acknowledged I had made a lot of progress, and when I suggested he pause the divorce to see if we could work on things he didn't say anything, but he seemed to be thinking about it and said he needed a partner. He came to bed with me that night (we still live together but he's moved his things into the guest room) and we slept together.

 

I didn't see him the next day, but the day after he tells me he was mad at himself for coming back to me because that means he's still a failure/loser. He said he can't be nice to me because it confuses me and I take it the wrong way and he's never coming back. He doesn't want me as his partner. He said because he doesn't love me anymore and doesn't see himself loving me again.

 

But he still sometimes acts super nice to me, sometimes ignores me. Hot and cold. Usually, something positive will happen between us, then he spends like a week ignoring me.

 

For example, we play D&D every Sunday with friends. A few weeks ago he got really drunk at D&D. I drove him home and shared my water bottle with him on the drive. He kept thanking me profusely and when we got home he offered to carry things inside. I told him I would take care of it, just to take care of himself. He thanked me again, went in and I grabbed things. When I got in, I went to his bedroom to make sure he was doing okay (he was VERY drunk) and offer to get him water. Well, suddenly he's grouchy at me and says he's fine and to just leave him alone. So I did. And then he didn't really talk to me the rest of the week. But like, what the hell dude. I try not to read into things he says/does, but I wonder if he realized he was having positive feelings towards me and then felt he had to consciously be a jerk.

 

He gets excited to show me things he's bought, or he touches me (like, we were at the gym and I was having trouble doing a lift he was trying to show me, and he did that thing where he came up behind me and put his arms around me to show me how to do it) and he told me the story of the Giving Tree (I'd never heard it before) and we cried together about how sad it was. He played break up songs in the car while we were driving and cried while holding my hand. I was cleaning/rearranging the living room the other day and he came in and said it looked nice and maybe we should buy a new coffee table.

 

But he also untagged all the photos of us together on Facebook.

 

He isn't/wasn't having an affair. He is on dating sites and going out to bars with friends to try to hook up with other girls. He hasn't gotten anywhere with it yet though. He got turned down by a girl at work he has a crush on, and he went on one date (on my birthday actually ��) with a girl from a dating site but he told his friend it was very disappointing but that he wanted it to be. (I found out by snooping, he didn't tell me any of this).

 

October 14 we got our court date. January 9. I tried to be strong but he and I were home together when we got the email and he could tell I was upset and he hugged me and told me it would be okay.

 

I'm trying this "Save My Marriage" course now, by Marriage Helper. They have a weekend "911" workshop they say has a 77% success rate of saving marriages in crisis. Even when one spouse wants out/doesn't even want to attend the workshop.

 

The next workshop is December 9. I'm thinking of trying to get my husband to go with me. It sounds too good to be true, but I feel like I have to try.

 

I'm also thinking about moving in with my sister, she lives an hour and a half away and says she won't expect me to pay rent until I can "get on my feet". It could be good to get away from my husband.

 

Sorry for the long post, I tried to keep it concise. I don't know what to do and I'm feeling the pressure of time restrictions since I only have two months before our divorce is finalized and he moves out to live with his friend.

Thanks for reading, and for any advice/encouragement/whatever you have to offer.

 

Maybe I just need smacked over the head and told to move out and get over it, but...it's like, I want to try. Even if it doesn't work out, at least I didn't give up. Maybe I'm keeping myself in misery 6 months longer than if I had moved on right away, but it's not going to kill me to be miserable for 6 months. I'm not saying I'll never move on, just...I don't know. At least this way I know I upheld my marriage vows. It means something to me even if it doesn't to him.

Edited November 12, 2016 by puppy1031

[aurelius99]

Sounds like you guys still have a connection. It could go either way. Doesn't really sound like there was ever no contact.

[puppy1031]

No, I never did the no contact rule so much. I did a sort of modified no contact, where I wouldn't initiate any contact unless it was something like, "not coming home tonight, can you make sure the dog goes out before bed?" and if he talked to me I would respond politely but briefly, like if he said "how was your day" I would say "fine" but leave it at that.

 

Also, we work opposite shifts. When I wake up for work he's still asleep, when I get home he's at work, and I go to bed before he gets home. So we rarely see each other.

 

The day he told me it was hard to leave he mentioned it bothered him that I didn't talk to him as much anymore

Edited November 12, 2016 by puppy1031

[LancasterAmos1966]

 

I found a resource called Divorce Busting by Michelle Weiner-Davis and started her "last resort technique" which is basically stop chasing your spouse, change yourself for the better and get a life, see if they notice and come back.

 

October 7, he got drunk and said it was really hard to leave me, but he's still mad at me because he feels used. He acknowledged I had made a lot of progress

 

 

I'm very sorry, puppy1031, that you are facing this sad situation.

 

If you would read any of my prior comments, you'll soon realize that I'm not able to suggest divorce due to my religious convictions BUT that doesn't mean I suggest attempting to get your wayward husband back.

 

I've been living "alone" with my 6 kids for several years because my wife walked out --- so I live out what I definitely believe about the sanctity of marriage.

 

But even though I can't suggest divorce, I can suggest a few things:

 

Don't books that try to help you get someone back that wants to walk --- if they want to walk, let them walk. Google TD Jakes youtube, "the gift of goodbye." It's a free 3 minute video clip showing how it's important to say goodbye to someone that wants to leave instead of begging them, and trying to superglue them to yourself.

 

Buy a book from Amazon called Uncoupling: Turning Points In Intimate Relationships. If you don't buy the book, at least read the comments. There is a "Leaver/Initiator" and a "Partner" --- if you read the book, you'll see yourself described in there. It will describe things your husband is doing and things you are doing. It's not magic -- it just happens that there are common themes among separating couples.

 

I also suggest putting yourself into his shoes. What if you were the one to have left. Would you want him trying to con you back? Would you not want to be set free? Would you want him trying to woo you with a new hair cut, fresh flowers every morning, etc., or would you want him to set you free?

 

Did you buy books to date/marry him? Did you make a bunch of changes before he would go out on the 2nd date? Did he refuse to meetup with you for a date because he needed space or some other excuse?

 

If so, then by all means con him, beg him, buy the divorce busting books, change yourself, do whatever you can do to get him back into your life.

 

But if you were just a normal couple that grew into loving each other and decided to get married, and now he chose to break his vows -- I'd suggest letting him go. (And in case you forgot, I'm not suggesting that you file divorce. You can completely let go, and still not file divorce if your religious convictions are similar to mine.)

 

Really, your husband wants to be set free. His actions prove that.

 

I'd say -- let him go!! But let him go in love. None of this nonsense that hates him, wishes him ill-will.

 

The guy shared 9 years with you. He wants to move on. Thank him for sharing 9 years with you. Yes, you'll have moments of anger, but you can go through the grieving process much quicker if you choose to have a good attitude rather than wanting to hurt him.

Edited November 12, 2016 by LancasterAmos1966

[puppy1031]

I thank you for your well thought out response even though it hurts to read it.

 

I'd like to say, I'm not trying to "con" him back, The changes I'm making are towards being a healthier person in general. I have not been begging/whining/pleading/pressuring him to stay together. I haven't been "wooing" him. I haven't been trying to trick him.

 

Honestly I feel like if i was the one trying to leave I might be a bit annoyed if he didn't try to fight a little bit. Now, if he was begging and crying and not giving me space that would get annoying too.

 

I just thought, I've read where people who have been married for 50+ years had long periods of time where they not "in love" with their spouse, but you stick it out through thick and thin. There are stories where a spouse wanted to leave for whatever reason and the other fought to save it and the two fall back in love and the leaving spouse is thankful the other didn't let go without a fight. There are other people who have saved their marriages from affairs and not being in love and the brink of divorce.

 

To me, his actions show mixed feelings and confusion. But i understand I'm hardly an impartial judge. I've just heard that more often than his actions show definite resolve to leave.

 

I guess i just feel like, if there's a chance he could change his mind and there are things i can do to encourage him to change his mind... I'd like to try. But it's still his idea to change it or not.

 

He already filed divorce, our court date is in 2 months.

 

I'm not wanting to hurt him. I don't know if you were implying that I was.

 

I'm not trying to argue, I just wanted to clarify a bit as i felt you might have misunderstood my intentions.

 

I do really appreciate your response and viewpoint. I will watch that video and try to find that book you mentioned. Thank you.

Edited November 12, 2016 by puppy1031

[LancasterAmos1966]

I thank you for your well thought out response even though it hurts to read it.

 

Me: Losing your Beloved Husband, best friend, companion, etc., is not easy. It's an uphill battle to get through the dark times.

 

I'd like to say, I'm not trying to "con" him back, The changes I'm making are towards being a healthier person in general. I have not been begging/whining/pleading/pressuring him to stay together. I haven't been "wooing" him. I haven't been trying to trick him.

You are doing better than most of us did when our spouses wanted to walk.

 

Honestly I feel like if i was the one trying to leave I might be a bit annoyed if he didn't try to fight a little bit. Now, if he was begging and crying and not giving me space that would get annoying too.

 

Ok, fair enough. Do unto others as you'd have them do unto you --- so you are "fighting" a bit to save the marriage. I applaud you for this.

 

I just thought, I've read where people who have been married for 50+ years had long periods of time where they not "in love" with their spouse, but you stick it out through thick and thin. There are stories where a spouse wanted to leave for whatever reason and the other fought to save it and the two fall back in love and the leaving spouse is thankful the other didn't let go without a fight. There are other people who have saved their marriages from affairs and not being in love and the brink of divorce.

 

Yes, you are correct. There are many reconciliation stories. Google Rejoice Marriage Ministries, and you'll find success stories. I'm not against reconciliation --- I'm against trying to keep the wayward spouse in your arms when they want out.

 

I went to marriage counseling by myself. The counselor said "Don't reconcile with your wife until you can live alone by yourself" --- I've not forgotten that piece of advice. If my wife ever attempts to return, at least I know that I can live alone without her.

To me, his actions show mixed feelings and confusion. But i understand I'm hardly an impartial judge. I've just heard that more often than his actions show definite resolve to leave.

 

Yes, he is acting very normal. If you can buy the book I mentioned, some things might make more sense.

I guess i just feel like, if there's a chance he could change his mind and there are things i can do to encourage him to change his mind... I'd like to try.

 

Nothing wrong with this!! We live in a throw-away society, and if a marriage can be saved, that is great.

 

But, I just figured once someone moves out, files divorce, and basically tells me that they are done --- I now must work on getting to the Acceptance Stage of the grieving process. (Google 5 stages of grief).

 

Your husband did not die, but your hopes, dreams, and marriage is showing signs of death. Again, it's just my opinion, but I'd like to see you focus on healing yourself. Instead of working on trying to get your husband back, work on getting to the Acceptance Stage. (Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance.)

 

I'm not wanting to hurt him. I don't know if you were implying that I was.

 

I'm sorry if I implied that --- no, I think you are doing a great job. You want to honor you marriage vow. That is to be commended.

I'm not trying to argue, I just wanted to clarify a bit as i felt you might have misunderstood my intentions.

 

Post as much as you need to. Hopefully some things I say and others say will help you get through this. If you get back together with your husband, we'll celebrate with you.

 

If the marriage dies, then we'll be rooting for you to stand tall again!!

 

Right now, you are hurting.

 

My pep talk to you is this: You will get through this, and life will become great again.

 

How do I know?? Because I lost my wife after 20+ years of marriage, I was hurting for a long time, but I'm standing tall again. If I can make it, you can too.

Edited November 14, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote formatting ~6

[LancasterAmos1966]

You asked a question in the title of your 1st post --- I'm sorry I basically ignored it.

 

You asked: Is there any hope for reconciliation?

 

Short Answer: Yes!!

[puppy1031]

Though he has filed for divorce, he hasn't moved out of the house. Maybe just due to laziness/frugality.

 

Yes, I'm not trying to force him to stay. Even these past few months I have not tried to interfere or sabotage his attempts at dating, I have not tried to restrict him in any way. I've just been working on myself, trying to get out, see friends, have fun, and not just mope around the house. I've been hoping (perhaps too strongly) that he'll see me being stronger and happy and remember I'm still the girl he fell in love with 9 years ago and that maybe it's worth a shot to try to work through our issues.

 

I've probably been living a bit too much in the denial stage, and should work on moving on. I can work on healing myself while still hoping he'll have a change of heart.

 

It is encouraging still to hear that there is a chance he could.

 

If he had moved out after filing and not talked to me except about "business" things then I would probably be working a bit more on moving on than holding out hope, but when he told me a month ago that he missed me, it was like... maybe he's not as ready to leave me as he first thought.

 

I don't know. Honestly, I've never been through a break up before. He was/is my first love.

[LancasterAmos1966]

Though he has filed for divorce, he hasn't moved out of the house. Maybe just due to laziness/frugality.

 

Me: Ok, wow, you are a dedicated wife; he really doesn't realize what he has in you. You can be proud of your standards.

 

Yes, I'm not trying to force him to stay. Even these past few months I have not tried to interfere or sabotage his attempts at dating, I have not tried to restrict him in any way. I've just been working on myself, trying to get out, see friends, have fun, and not just mope around the house. I've been hoping (perhaps too strongly) that he'll see me being stronger and happy and remember I'm still the girl he fell in love with 9 years ago and that maybe it's worth a shot to try to work through our issues.

 

You are doing well. Investing in yourself is a good plan.

I've probably been living a bit too much in the denial stage, and should work on moving on.

 

I can work on healing myself while still hoping he'll have a change of heart.

 

Yes, this is a good plan.

It is encouraging still to hear that there is a chance he could.

 

If I can bring some hope into your life, that is great.

 

If he had moved out after filing and not talked to me except about "business" things then I would probably be working a bit more on moving on than holding out hope, but when he told me a month ago that he missed me, it was like... maybe he's not as ready to leave me as he first thought.

 

I understand....and instead of you hiring a lawyer today, you are trying to give him some time to make sure this is what he wants.

 

You have a great attitude.

I don't know. Honestly, I've never been through a break up before. He was/is my first love.

 

There is always hope of reconciliation. Before divorce and after divorce.In my personal situation, my wife moved out but still has not filed divorce. She knows that I'll honor my promise "until death do us part", so she knows that reconciliation is always an option. But I have "moved on" and am living a great life without her. I have very little contact with her. I do not blame her for leaving --- she got tired of being a wife and mother.

 

I even promised to voluntarily help her transition away from me. I'm not suggesting you do this -- I'm just telling my story. Helping her was my way of not becoming a Professional Victim. My wife did not ruin my life. My wife did not destroy me. Of course, I would have preferred to have her as my lover and best friend, but true love sets someone free if that is what they want. I needed to set her free in order for me to recover and go on to live a great life.

 

Your husband has not moved out -- so go with your heart and feelings. Don't give up too soon, or you'll have regrets.

 

Since you are willing to "fight" for your marriage, then I'd suggest Googling "Rejoice Ministries Standers Affirmation" to help get some support on hanging in there for your husband.

 

I am not "standing for my marriage" because I have no interest in reuniting. I've set her free, I've moved on, and I've recovered. I don't agree 100% with "standing for your marriage" but I applaud spouses that are willing to give their marriage a fair chance at healing and reuniting.

 

I'm wishing you well in your journey!!

Edited November 14, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote formatting ~6

[LancasterAmos1966]

You wrote "I'm also thinking about moving in with my sister, she lives an hour and a half away and says she won't expect me to pay rent until I can "get on my feet". It could be good to get away from my husband."

 

Since he is not physically hurting you, I'd suggest staying where you are for right now.

 

You are hoping that he chooses to stay married to you, and if you do the "walking" --- it will just give him more ammunition to say that is why he had to file divorce. Of course, it would be a lie, but he is most likely not thinking clearly right now anyway.

 

If the divorce goes through, then I'd suggest moving to your sisters house would be a good thing for you emotionally. You won't be in an empty house; and you'll have someone nearby that loves you and cares for you.

 

Go with your heart.

 

But if it gets too difficult emotionally to stay living as roommates, then please pack a few things and move to your sisters house!! If he accuses you of causing the divorce, that is where the Uncoupling book will help you understand he is just trying to blame you, instead of taking responsibility for his actions.

 

I made my own bedroom and lived as room-mates for 5 months. My wife finally got tired of that, and moved out on her own. It wasn't easy passing her in the hallway; it wasn't easy knowing that she was out messing around many nights.

 

You don't have any children to help you pass the time or to help connect with in the house --- so your situation is not exactly like mine.

 

Again, go with your heart. There is NOT a right way or wrong way in this!! You do what is best for you. And if you decide to move to your sisters house, please, do not ask him if that is ok. He is being selfish right now, so he is not going to have your best interests in mind.

Edited November 12, 2016 by LancasterAmos1966

[puppy1031]

He is also talking about moving out in January. His friend is losing the place he's currently living in and needs/wants a roommate so my husband is thinking about looking for a place with him.

 

But he also hates moving and renting.

 

I was thinking of saying he could live here if he'd go to that workshop with me.

 

It would be too painful to stay here alone after the divorce, and I don't think I could really keep up with the maintenance by myself anyway. He's in grad school for the next two years so he could stay here until he graduates.

 

He also just a bit ago before he left told me about his disappointing date with the girl from the dating site. I don't know how I'm supposed to react. It wasn't shocking because I already found out about it, but why would he tell me about it. He didn't have a point really, he just said oh I went on a date and she was fat and had no personality.

 

I think maybe I should tell him to keep that stuff to himself unless he has a good reason to tell me. Is he trying/has he already "friend-zoned" me? Or if I let him tell me these things am I showing him I can be a safe space for him that might eventually lead him back to me?

 

This is the overanalyzing stuff I need to stop doing, I guess...

[LancasterAmos1966]

He also just a bit ago before he left told me about his disappointing date with the girl from the dating site. I don't know how I'm supposed to react. It wasn't shocking because I already found out about it, but why would he tell me about it. He didn't have a point really, he just said oh I went on a date and she was fat and had no personality.

 

 

Wow, this is emotionally a rough time for you. If you don't move to your sisters, at least drive the 90 minutes for a hug!!

 

He is out dating, he filed divorce --- this is why most people would gladly sign the divorce papers and help him out the door.

 

To have the nerve to discuss a date with you is amazing. He has no regard for your feelings. To put it mildly, he is selfish.

 

My wife pulled the same thing. Brought a guy or two right to my front porch, while she came inside to get something she needed. There comes a point when the leaving spouse no longer cares what the other spouse thinks.

 

But going back to what was discussed.....you want to do everything you can do to save your marriage. So keep on that pathway & follow your heart.

[puppy1031]

Well, thank you. I'm just not sure what the right things to do are. Like I said, I'm doing this save my marriage course by marriage helper, and thinking of trying to get him to go to the workshop with me in December.

 

And again, I don't mean like, sneaky manipulative things. Just things like, do I try to spend some time with him/connect with him a little or just leave him alone completely

Edited November 13, 2016 by puppy1031

[LancasterAmos1966]

do I try to spend some time with him/connect with him a little or just leave him alone completely

 

 

In my humble opinion, I would be careful asking him for anything. I think you are setting yourself for more rejection.

 

Follow your heart, but be careful to not add extra heartache at this time.

 

The "right way" is the way that you think is best!! How I treated my leaving spouse will be different than how you treat yours.

 

I had coworkers/friends that wanted me to file divorce. Honestly, it would have felt great to go file, but that wasn't how I wanted to proceed. I needed to do what was best for me.

 

But, even though I would not file divorce, I set myself up for a lot of unnecessary heartache for extra months. Yes, there's a certain amount of heartache from losing your spouse, but I permitted extra heartache to happen and that needed to stop.

 

That is what I'm trying to help you with.

 

I don't know you, but it seems like you were a great spouse. You probably gave 100 percent, and your husband probably gave 60 or 70 percent, if even that much.

 

And now he wants to date; now he wants someone else. He is bored with you, and has even filed divorce. He is showing zero signs of caring about your feelings. If you get a copy of that Uncoupling book, you'll most likely realize that he has "uncoupled" --- and that is why he is able to act like he is not doing anything wrong towards you. It might seem like he is intentionally trying to hurt you, but I doubt that. He has uncoupled, but you have not.

 

I'm not trying to make you feel bad, but I just don't know how much more you can give to this ungrateful guy.

 

In my case, even though I could not file divorce, I finally stopped hurting myself by making my own bedroom. That was my way of setting her free.

 

Maybe some of this info will be more usable in January if he goes through with the divorce. Right now, for the next 60 days, you are hoping he stops the divorce process. So, probably the best advice for you is to go with your heart and realize that whatever you ask him, whatever you do is the right way for you. But.......I must repeat myself and say "please be careful."

[puppy1031]

So, there's this marriage workshop that claims a 77% success rate at saving marriages in crisis. Even when one spouse wants out/is having an affair/has already filed, and even if they only begrudgingly attend the workshop to get something out of the divorce and not to save the marriage.

 

I know, it sounds too good to be true.

 

But I thought, besides money, what have I got to lose? He's leaving. If I take him to this workshop and he still leaves...I mean, at least I tried.

 

Anyway, so I brought it up to him yesterday. I expected he'd say no the first time, they suggest staying calm and respectful but being persistent. I asked him to go as a "final favor" to me, saying it would help me move on. He said my emotional well-being was not his concern anymore.

 

Alright, well, fine.

 

Anyway, I know I shouldn't snoop on my husband's accounts, but it's hard to stop and so easy to do, and I feel it gives me a little insight into his mind where he isn't really talking to me. Usually there's nothing interesting anyway, at least not yet as he doesn't have an OW.

 

But tonight he's messaged about 20 different girls on his dating site and told his friend that if he could find a place for around 900/mo total (rent/utilities/internet) that he would move without hesitation since half that is about what he pays now. He said it "theoretically could be nice to have a presentable place to take [women] home to".

 

He's been on that dating site for about a month, but he's usually not THIS active about messaging girls (maybe 1 or 2 a week) and doesn't talk about "[taking women home]".

 

I feel like somehow my bringing up the marriage workshop has spurred him into trying even harder to leave me/replace me.

 

I'm really frustrated and angry/upset right now.

 

Just needed to vent, thank you.

 

I mean, is there actually any hope for me, or just in that "you might go to LA and run into a celebrity and they find you interesting and want to date" kind of way. Like, yeah, it's not completely out of the realm of possibility, just highly unlikely and you shouldn't even try.

 

Edit: I mean, I realize you don't know him/me/our situation and only have this very little I've told you to go on, so I can't really expect an answer to that specifically for me. It's just...I mean, other people have saved marriages in dire situations like this, right? Like, is my situation possible to come back from given the right circumstances?

 

About, I guess it would be a year ago now but only 6 months before he said he wanted a divorce, he was saying he loves me so much, that's why he makes the sacrifices he does and that he believes in me and believes in us and wants to be the best for me he can and he loves me no matter what.

 

Mostly he says the divorce is because a lot of littler things added up, such as him getting into grad school. It seems to me like this is part of some weird quarter life crisis thing, and not from insurmountable problems between us.

Edited November 14, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language ~6

[Marc878]

Check your phone bill. Good chance he's been having an affair all along.

[puppy1031]

Well, I can't check his phone bill. His parents pay it. We're not on the same plan.

 

But given that I've always and still do have access to his email/Facebook and had access to physically check his phone before he said he wanted a divorce, I'm 99.9% certain there's never been an affair. There's certainly no OW now or I think he wouldn't be on dating sites and talking about [women to take home]. He'd be talking to/about her. And I think he'd have told me by now, he's told me about his dating mishaps.

Edited November 14, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language ~6

[LancasterAmos1966]

Hi Puppy1031. It's good to see you posting after a rough week and weekend --- talking this out with others can be therapeutic.

 

Please go over some of the tips I suggested last week --- especially the one to get a copy of that book. I think it will help you in this journey.

 

So, let's go over the facts:

 

Your husband told you on July 9th that he wanted a divorce. On July 13th, he filed divorce. To me, that means he is not joking around. He is serious about wanting to move on.

 

He told you he wanted a divorce, he filed divorce BUT you still won't let go. Yes, you are being NORMAL by holding on!! So, please don't misunderstand. I'm just letting you know the process and what might be going through his mind right now.

 

Instead of you accepting his words (I want a divorce) and instead of you accepting his actions (he filed divorce) --- you then invite him to a marriage seminar. Again, this is a normal reaction for you to have.

 

You want to save your marriage.

 

But, he doesn't want to save his marriage.

 

Remember, it takes 2 to get married, but only 1 to end the marriage.

 

I am 99.9 percent sure that he has uncoupled from you. And I doubt it happened in July. It probably happened a year ago, 2 years ago --- whenever it happened --- I am convinced that he uncoupled. That is how he can file divorce, that is how he can go on a date on your birthday, that is how he can openly share information about his date, and now, that is how he can easily desire a bar patron instead of his wife.

 

When a person uncouples, they no longer have the same kind of feelings they had in the past. You even used the term "friend zone" -- and that is probably a good way to put it. Since you are only a "friend" to him, he figures it is ok for him to date and even discuss his future without you in it. He no longer feels obligated to you.....and he has even told you this.

 

I must say, he is being very clear to you.

 

And I'm guessing that if you still don't get serious about letting go, I'd expect him to bring at least one of those bar patrons home one night for you to see. He is even capable of knocking on your bedroom door to introduce her.

 

And I know this is all shocking to you --- but he is no longer interested in fixing his marriage, he just wants to be set free.

 

He wants to be set free but for your own personal reasons, you can't set him free yet.

 

So his actions must escalate to a point when you say "enough is enough."

 

As I see it, you have a few basic choices:

 

- You can hang in there and hope that your marriage goes back to the way you want it. You can go to marriage seminars, buy books that help get him back, etc. Be prepared for a lot of hurt, lonely years, and being a professional victim claiming that he ruined your life, etc.

 

- You can say thank you for the 9 years, do your grieving, and eventually begin to date again, and possibly get remarried.

 

- You can say thank you for the 9 years he shared with you, do your grieving, move on and yet honor your marriage vow from a distance. (Like me.)

 

- You can get angry and bitter at him, hate him for many years for "ruining your life", do nasty things to him to let him know how angry you are at him. You might eventually move on, but you'll make sure to keep hating him until the day you die.

 

I know it's not easy to lose a beloved spouse --- but you are a fellow traveler and my desire is for you to come out of this standing tall. Whatever game plan you choose, I wish you well.

Edited November 14, 2016 by LancasterAmos1966

[puppy1031]

Well, I disagree that he's being very clear to me.

 

Crying and holding my hand while listening to break up songs that say "I miss you, come back to me" is NOT very clearly telling me he wants to move on.

 

Telling me it's really hard to leave me and that he misses me is NOT very clearly telling me he's moved on.

 

Telling me the story of the giving tree and then crying and holding me because it's sad and "he's my giving tree" is NOT very clearly telling me he wants to move on.

 

If he was being very clear to me, I could accept that and work on moving on as well. But that's not what his actions and words show.

 

I skimmed through that book, it didn't seem very helpful. It didn't contain new information. Our didn't contain anything insightful. None of this is shocking to me. Hurtful, yes. Shocking, no.

 

Also, I do take a bit of offense at you saying that me trying to save my marriage and not moving on yet is going to lead to me being "a professional victim".

[LancasterAmos1966]

I'm not a professional counselor. And I'm sure not a professional writer. Texting, email, and phone calls are always at a disadvantage compared to in-person contact.

 

I experienced the loss of my wife, I went through the grieving process, and I've recovered. Hopefully I can write something that is helpful to you. I might not always say the right thing, but at least my heart is in the right place. I'm here to help, not hurt.

 

My wife confused me with her words and even some of her actions BUT at the end of the day, all she wanted was to be set free. She was on a course to be set free, and unfortunately, I made it more difficult for her....and I made it more difficult for myself.

 

Before she finally moved out, we went to counseling, we renewed our marriage vows, and we did all the normal things that couples do together. But, that is not what she wanted. She wanted to be set free, and I simply stalled the inevitable.

 

Actually, today is my 7 year anniversary of when I should have left her go -- she did not file divorce, but 7 years ago is when she said "I don't want to be married, and I don't want to live with you any longer" or something like that. But, I basically ignored her wishes because I did not want to lose her.

 

And as the months went on, she tried to let me down as gently as possible.

 

I personally think your husband wants to be set free, but he is trying to let you go in a gentle way. In my opinion, that is why you'll see some confusing actions from him.

 

Here's what you told me about your husband:

 

1. He said he wanted to divorce.

2. He actually filed the divorce papers.

3. He told you about 1 date he has already had.

4. You found out that he'd like to date bar patrons.

5. He said he is not responsible for your emotional well-being.

 

 

And here's 3 more items you mentioned:

 

1. He cries and holds your hand while listening to breakup songs.

2. He tells you that it's hard to leave and misses you.

3. Telling you that he is your giving tree.

 

From the Uncoupling book, page 55:

"The transition is underway but not complete. The initiator spends time in two worlds. Not yet ready to relinquish the old and plunge into the new, the initiator feels increasingly estranged from the old."

 

My Uncoupling book is dog-eared and highlighted; because it was statements like this that really helped me understand, and eventually get to the full acceptance stage.

 

So, I see the 5 reasons above as his true intentions. It's like he is waving a red flag attempting to get your attention.

 

And I see the bottom 3 reasons as your husband living in two worlds.

 

He has known you for 9 years -- that will be hard to let go.

 

He doesn't want to hurt you -- so he will give you some comforting words and actions.

 

And so he goes back and forth living in two different worlds.

 

Does any of this make sense?

[Just a Guy]

Hi Puppy, sorry to see you here and for the pain that you are suffering. I have some questions for you if you would like to answer them. The questions are 'Have you recovered from your depression or are you still plagued by it?' Also you mentioned that your marriage was a bit rocky prior to your husband pulling the plug. How bad was it and what were the causes? How was your husband's attitude prior to his pulling the plug and did he give any indication that he was pulling away? Was your not having children a conscious decision taken mutually by both of you or was it unilateral or due to natural causes? Did you two fight a lot or did you have a quiet relationship? Did you ever deny your husband sex or were you ever verbally abusive towards him? Answers to these questions will help folk on here to give you more insightful advice than is possible with the little that you have told us about yourselves and your marriage.

 

I want to say that you have been given some good advice by Lancaster. However, he is the epitome of a good Christian and us lesser mortals may not be able to implement some of his suggestions in our lives. My own feeling about your husband from what information you have offered is that he is torn between wanting to leave and at the same time not being able to let go of you because at a deep level he still loves you and because of the history that you two share. It is difficult to suggest how you can proceed from this point further but, if you truly love him, then I would suggest that you set him free as Lancaster has suggested and let him proceed with the divorce. Even if you two are divorced there is the possibility that you can remarry if your husband had a change of heart and realizes that he wants only you in his life. This dies not mean that you wait around for him. Once divorced, you are entitled to date and if you find someone else who makes you light up like a Christmas tree well you go for him. Too bad for your husband that he had to lose you to someone else. However, before you even start dating again you must attend IC to identify and rectify those kinks in your persons which resulted in the breakup of your current marriage. That is very important. For the rest I wish you the very best. Cheers. .

[stillafool]

 

If he was being very clear to me, I could accept that and work on moving on as well. But that's not what his actions and words show.

 

 

He was very clear when he filed for divorce. He was also clear when he told you that you two would not get back together. He is on a dating site, had a crush on a girl at work who didn't want him. I'm thinking as soon as he meets a woman who wants him he will stop seeing you.

[puppy1031]

Have you recovered from your depression or are you still plagued by it?

It's still something that I'm dealing with, but it's not to the point where I'm non-functional like it has been in the past.

 

Also you mentioned that your marriage was a bit rocky prior to your husband pulling the plug. How bad was it and what were the causes? How was your husband's attitude prior to his pulling the plug and did he give any indication that he was pulling away? For a few months before he said he wanted to leave, he started saying things like he doesn't respect me because I'm not being an equal partner and he was starting to resent me and he didn't feel like he could talk to me about problems because I wouldn't listen.

 

Was your not having children a conscious decision taken mutually by both of you or was it unilateral or due to natural causes? We both agreed we didn't want children.

 

Did you two fight a lot or did you have a quiet relationship? We fought occasionally, but I thought we had gotten to the point where we were pretty good at fighting. Like, not namecalling or things like that, giving each other space so we could come back calmly to talk later.

 

Did you ever deny your husband sex or were you ever verbally abusive towards him? I didn't deny him sex out of malice, but there were times where we couldn't have sex because it was painful to me. So, we kinda stopped trying.

[puppy1031]

He was very clear when he filed for divorce. He was also clear when he told you that you two would not get back together.

 

Yes, he was being very clear when he filed for divorce. Then he acted in ways that was no so clear. Then clear. Then not clear. Such is the nature of sending mixed signals.

 

If he was consistent, it would be different. But people change their minds. Just because he was clear and serious in July when he filed doesn't mean he is still as clear and serious 4 months later when he realizes he misses me or whatever.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Puppy, thank you for your response. From what you have written it is apparent that your husband seems to have gradually got worn down by your state of depression and lost the spark for you which initially drew him to you. Actually, mental illness in a spouse can be a very debilitating experience for a person especially, if at the start of the relationship there was no hint of it. It takes a special kind of man with a very strong emotional persona to be able to weather the storms that mental illness brings to a relationship. I know how horrible it is from personal experience because my mother was a manic depressive and as kids growing up around her it affected us profoundly and my father had to handle her episodes which could last for more than a year singlehandedly, as he was the only adult in the family. He fared admirably but that was because he was a man with a very strong character and a deep faith in his maker. Your husband may not be cast in the same mould, not all of us are. I wonder how long you have suffered from depression or what the causes were but if you did suffer for a prolonged period this may have worn him down.

 

That said if you have had treatment which has set you on the path to complete recovery then there is hope for the future. As I said before it may work in your favour if you let your husband proceed with the divorce unhindered as you can always re marry if he realizes that he made a mistake and wants you back again. Of course he would have to woo you again and you should maintain your self respect in that you do not seem to be over eager to get back with him. When he goes out dating girls he will always be comparing them with you and finding that there is something missing. That is because from all indications he still loves you at a deep level. If, for some reason he does not come back for you then look at the bright side. You would be a single young woman with little baggage and there would be s number of young men who would be happy to date you and eventually marry you. As I said, with your experience with your husband you know the kinks in your own personality which became deal breakers for him and so you work on those to iron them out. You will then be fully ready to make s fresh start whether with your current husband or s new one. Hope this helps. Warm wishes.