Now how to see the beauty MYSELF ?

[confusingme]

I was going to post on sadgirl123's "Beauties & Beasts" about my story but found it was closed.

However I really want to share how I got into the affair and how I felt in the beginning.

 

Problems between me and my husband:

So during August, me and my husband were having a lot of arguments over little things.

At the end of August, I by chance saw his messages to his friend about our problems in his iPad.

My husband said things like:

"If we didn't have kids, I think I would have divorced her a long time ago";

"I think I married the wrong person"

His friend then suggested him to find a lawyer to block me from leaving this country, they for some reason, assumed that I would take our kids and leave this country and will never let him see the kids, as a punishment ? It was hurt also to learn how ugly I was to their impression.

 

I couldn't stand that and I told my husband that I saw all the messages and I was very much hurt.

After a long conversation, my husband apologized to me for his words, and claimed that it was because his friend was misleading him.

I forgave for what he said but I would never forget, and will be always hurt and keep feeling insecure. You cannot defeat this insecure feeling when you are alone in a strange country.

It's like my husband was my whole world, and now he's planning on hurting me, that feeling is really really insecure.

 

I felt everybody around me now was looking at me badly, a bad wife, a bad mother, a woman who doesn't know how to appreciate her husband's hard work, which nothing was true. I had been so royal to my husband.

Being in a strange country raising two kids without any help from husband, except financial help. Is not a joke.

He literally never changed kids' diapers, fed them, bathed them, not even spending enough time playing with them. Not to mention, he never cooked a single meal for us. Yet, he was complaining to his friend that "my wife seems never know how to understand my hard work".

 

Anyway, couple days after this incident, I started looking for people to talk to online. About 1 week after I joined one dating site, my exMM found me and we started talking. We saw each other's pictures, he said I looked like a princess and he wanted to keep my smile.

I was still very much in the pain my husband had created, so honestly I wasn't so interested in knowing exMM.

However, he showed a huge interest in me and came to meet me in person in 3 days. I purposely took 1 hour to get ready that day, and he got late back to office. But he said it was so worth it.

 

He's handsome, he's 6'3" tall, his hair is golden and soft, always has the classic taper hairstyle, and carefully trimmed full facial hair. When I look at him, he's just stunning. I could staring at him all day. I'm considered a fair lady too. But during the affair, I always felt so lucky to have him next to me.

 

Our sex relationship was not bad, but to be frankly, my husband is better than him technically, but I enjoy exMM more. It had this emotionally connection. One time after sex, he looked at me said to me "You are too beautiful for me" And I felt the same for him although I never said so.

 

His appearance is what is hard for me to get over. Now when I go out and if I see a person who has the similar figure like him, I couldn't help but thinking about him.

 

There weren't bad things that could make me hate him, he was always gentle. Always smiling. Whenever I got upset, he always found a (funny) way to comfort me. Something like "Do you want to marry me and have arguments me with me or being with me in this perfect fairy tale and argue with your husband ? ", "Marriages suck, mine too", I think really like what he said "You are not my wife so I'm more tolerable." He was good to me.

 

He made it very clear to me from the very beginning that he would never leave his family, and he never wanted the worlds to be crossed.

But he tried to satisfy me by doing things like:

- Sneaking into the bathroom at home for 5 mins to say good night to me around my bedtime. I go to bed early usually.

- While his wife goes out walk the dogs, he immediately texts me for 10 mins until she comes back.

- Every morning when he leaves the house for work, he texts me and calls me if I am able to talk as well.

- When he is at work, he has a lot of meetings, but he would send me a message during the meeting just to let me know he's thinking about me. Most of the time he just complains about the meetings and hopes he was with me.

- During lunch break, he is always texting me, telling what he's eating.

- On the way back home, he is calling me if I am available.

 

It was like a routine, I truly felt I was wanted. And he kept telling me I was beautiful. I could not believe how a handsome guy like him would be so into me and always told me that he was missing me. I was on cloud 9.

 

There was one night he was going to take his wife out for dinner, he told me "Tonight I'm afraid I cannot say good night to you." I asked him why and he told me about the dinner.

I felt very sad and low.

But he did text me around my bedtime, but I didn't respond to him. Being emotional.

 

The next morning I didn't reply either.

He left me messages about everything he was doing / every thought he had and I was getting touched. I finally replied to him. He was very happy but sensed I wasn't feeling well so he cancelled the last meeting of that day and came to see me at the bookstore.

We couldn't even hold our hands because the bookstore was near my house and I assumed that the workers there could recognized me.

So we went to his car and he talked to me very emotionally. He told me the night when he took his wife out, he sneaked out to the bathroom to text me a good night, and when he didn't see my response, he started feeling something was going on with me.

And on the way home, he stopped to get gas, (his wife drove from home to dinner while he drove from work, so they were not in one car after the dinner), he said "I didn't even need gas, I just wanted to hear from you. I didn't enjoy the dinner at all." And he said he would not mention anything about romantic things between him and his wife anymore.He was talking about these things so sincerely that I just couldn't make myself think otherwise.

 

Another thing is when he went on a business trip in another city, he was trying to bring me, but obviously as a housewife and stay at home mother, I could not make it. But I was expecting he would spend a lot of time chatting with me since his wife wouldn't be around.

But his relatives in that city all wanted to meet him. He hadn't seen them for years so...I got upset...one night, I told him I'd spend time with my husband then, will probably have sex.

 

And I did.

 

And when I came back to my bedroom (my husband and I sleep separately, always) I saw his message: I cannot enjoy anything when I know what you are doing...I got very emotional seeing that message.

 

I am a very emotional person and it always takes me a long time to get over something.

I tend to remember all the good things we had despite what's happening now.

In another thread of mine : difference between emotion and feeling, I do see the whole affair more clearer, logically, and I'm sure I'll be able to move on by keep NC.

 

Let me think about something bad during the affair though:

On the same business trip, he was busy and I was clingy, and we talked about his exOW, and I got jealous when I knew that he hadn't deleted her number. I asked him to delete it, he did. But I still kept talking emotionally.

Then he said "I gotta go", "I did what you asked but you still keep going and going" Then he went to silent for 2 days, the next day he had to fly back to our city, he didn't tell me before boarding or after landing in our city. Until I texted him.

That was one and only thing that I felt sad during the affair.

 

And that was when I started talking about the affair with my friend.And my friend got so mad at him and started contacting his wife...

 

Actually, another sad thing about him is he never took me out to public.

I told him I wanted to ride the Ferris Wheel, and watch a movie and have a road trip with him, he said we would do all of them, but never had the chance, the Dday happened too suddenly.

He did buy chocolates, breakfast, into the hotel rooms...He made tea for me after having sex...almost every time... At least, this is a huge thing for me, because my husband, for more than 6 years, never wanted to cook for me, not even a PB&J sandwich, and this is something that I always brought up while arguing, would you feel sad when all you want from your husband is to make a sandwich for you but he thinks it's too little to argue with...And I had been holding this on for years... if it wasn't the messages between him and his friend, I'd hold it longer...

 

The tea that exMM makes for me is not just a cup of tea, when I recall how serious he was about the flavor I might like, "I think you wouldn't like the English breakfast flavor, would you ?" I just cannot forget the caring look in his eyes. If my husband's ignorance to me isn't to blame, what could have dragged me into this affair so deeply ?

 

Sometimes, I really wish that my friend didn't talk to his wife, so I could have been staying in his embrace longer.

 

In my memory, he's always gentle.

 

On dday, he told me "I'll take my responsibility to make sure this thing doesn't turn back to you. Don't worry, your husband will not know."

I don't think that his wife would ever want to blow this thing up so that the whole world would know she was cheated on, but I still appreciate that he comforted me while dday happened.

And he apologize that "It's not your mistake, I found you on the website and I brought you into this trouble."

 

Nevertheless, an affair is never a right thing to do, but some affair might be an affair to remember.

I did experience misery, loss when he couldn't give me all of him. But I do not want to hate.

Though I choose to look at the whole scenario more logically, and believe it is over.

 

When somebody becomes a memory, the memory becomes a treasure.

I don't regret having this affair with him, and I will always love him.

And I know I will live in his mind.

[Cyra]

Your husband sounds awful. Why is it that you stay with him?

Seeing the msgs he sent to his friend would be enough reason to leave him. He obviously doesnt love you and only stays with you for the kids. Why would you put up with that? It also sounds a bit like this person he sent the msgs to, could be more than a friend?

 

As for xMM, bad news from the start. You found him on a dating website! This is not someone you met and just happened to fall in love with. This is someone who was out actively looking for lovers! That is consistent with all the BS he has been telling you, that you wrote in your other thread. He is just looking for ego boost, and he knows the rules well (dont get too emotional, the worlds can never cross blablabla, he also seems to have a liking for drama!) You're not his first OW and not last. Tbh he sounds like an awful person too, I still remember from your other post where you said he still wants to see you, but only if you are not too emotional and are ok with 3 hours a week. Seriously?! What a catch.

 

IMO the best thing would be to forget about this a$$, and then work on separating from your husband because that relationship is NOT healthy and I think it affects your self-worth which you then go look for in other crappy men. You have to liberate yourself x

Edited November 12, 2016 by Cyra

[aileD]

I have to be honest here.

 

I didn't see much good in this.

 

That list of things he's done, that you think are so sweet and wonderful.....they are scraps. You're being thrown some table scraps to keep you begging st the table.

 

And you used sex with your husband as a revenge tactic. Your husband does sound awful, but...your actions were worse .

 

You want things you can't have, like rides in Ferris wheels. He will never take you out in public because you are something he wants to hide. Not because he loves you, but because he doesn't want his marriage or reputation gonna ruined. That would be shameful. In other words--he is ashamed to be seen with you.

 

The breakfast tea concern is what keeps you there. He's giving you something you aren't getting at home: decency in daily interactions. He's not special in that area. He probably has the same look in his eyes when he makes tea for his mother. It's just that you are drawn to it because your husband lacks it.

 

I'm sorry. From the outside looking in on what you've written, I can clearly see how you've been manipulated.

 

I hope you can see that someday

I wish you the best

Edited November 12, 2016 by aileD

[spideywoman]

The tea story is what stands out to me, too. It's a micro analogy to your affair: you have romanticized this guy because you are not receiving this perceived tenderness and attention at home. The checking in and texting and calling to say good night, same thing: you don't have this appreciation or recognition at home.

 

Once time has passed and the proverbial fog has been lifted, you'll see that MM ain't all that. Just that in comparison to your husband, in your mind, he is. Not dismissing the good times you had together, I'm sure they were great, but they should remain there in terms of expectations. You were "lucky" in that he was at least open about his intentions. The fact that he acted sweetly and tenderly doesn't take away from the reality that he has no plans to be with you.

 

Besides, you cannot have any kind of expectation from a married man you met on a dating site! You, too, by the way. Please try to figure out a healthier way to deal with the problems in your marriage. Having revenge sex and going on dating sites is not the way to do it. I know you've spoken to your husband already but if you want to make this work, do it again and again. I would suggest you also disclose your affair to him on your own terms IF you want to work things through. If not, this pattern will keep repeating itself over and over and over. Next thing you know you'll be 58 years old and asking yourself where your life went. If you believe your husband is not able to provide for you emotionally, not just financially, then you have a decision to make.

 

Stay strong.

[Forever broken]

I agree with the others. A married man on a dating site has only one mission and that is to pick women and use them. Yes, it looks like he treated you like a queen but, that was to keep you in the affair and also from contacting his wife.

 

Trust me, he knows how to play the game well. Is okay to have memories of him, no one can take that away from you but don't let that suck you back into his life.

 

My mom told me that no matter how things suck in your life, is never a reason to indulge in an affair. Is time to have a talk with your husband and seek marriage counseling. He cannot talk like that about you to his friends. That's a no no, however is not a reason for an affair.

 

No judgement from me, I have been there.

[goodyblue]

Hi.

 

First of all your husband shouldn't be talking to anyone like that while referencing you. I can see why you would be devastated. I think some therapy would benefit you. It would take me a long time to forgive something like that, if ever. He should not blame his friend but needs to take responsibility for the things he says.

 

Second, it is good also that the MM is an ex. If you plan to work on your marriage then he can't be in the middle of it all. I know how hard it is to let go but I don't think you really want an affair, I think you want to feel cherished and that is something you and your husband need to work through without distractions.

 

Third, you need a group around you to support you. Your husband can't be everything. We need girlfriends, people that relate to us that will understand us and be there when we need to vent.

 

You just seem so lonely and that makes me sad. Keep coming here, we have been where you are. Try to find groups around you to be part of, a book club, a kids library day, something to get to know other moms in your area.

 

The last thing is don't let anyone else define your worth. What you think about yourself is what matters, so hold your head high and know you have a lot to offer your husband, your kids and the world.

 

Hang in there..

[Poppy47]

For the love of God, you found that MM on a dating website and you think he is made of gold?

 

MM will say almost anything to make you think they care. That's to keep you hooked.

 

Your husband sound horrible too.

 

I think you are probably lonely and reaching out to the wrong person.

 

Poppy.

[Grumpybutfun]

I read your story and had some thoughts. I will preface this by saying I have never cheated or been cheated on in my life so please take what I say with that in mind, as I can be rather blunt.

 

You seem to me to be very vulnerable because you are away from your friends and family, your homeland. I imagine there is something deep within you that feels hollow, dark even, because you don't have the emotional support you need. When people have children, especially mothers, they give so much of themselves and you seem to not be filled back up with caring by your husband. You both are struggling with busy lives and the sheer disappointment that life isn't what you thought it would be. You both sound like you feel unappreciated....I read that he works outside the home and you are a SAHM. Both are doing their duty, as was agreed on by you both, but both feel the other just don't understand how hard that duty is. It is the anthem of couples everywhere, so you aren't alone in this.

 

When your husband was venting to his friend, he said many things that were reactionary to not being able to make you feel supported. Frustration is what many men feel when they can't fix something. Now, what he did, how he reacted, was very immature and it did disrespect you. He confirmed in your head that you are not feeling loved, admired and desired. It was very easy then for a confidence man to walk through and do,everything he knew you needed as you actually confided in him exactly what you needed. Men will do almost anything for a variety of sex with different partners. The sweet things he did were mild compared to some things I have seen men do for sex. (Military man....I have seen some outlandish feats for quim.)

 

Therefore, you have to ask yourself a few things. Would you rather be conned by a master manipulator who makes a cup of tea for sex, or a man who married you and you have children with but who is immature and bumbling in the romance department?

The next thing you may want to consider is if you know your self esteem and self worth is based on what others think of you, why you haven't considered that maybe you aren't aware of the fallout that each and every choice brings? You are the one who can change your perception of yourself, and only you. This may require some work with a professional. You are on a slippery slope and could lose your little family if you don't get back in control of your emotions and your standards.

Good luck,

Grumps

Edited November 12, 2016 by Grumpybutfun

[elaine567]

If I ever come back reincarnated as a MM, I must remember to tell her she is beautiful, never forget to text her good night and make her some English Breakfast tea "with care", after sex...

[goodyblue]

If I ever come back reincarnated as a MM, I must remember to tell her she is beautiful, never forget to text her good night and make her some English Breakfast tea "with care", after sex...

 

You can make jokes but you have no idea how MM can make you feel. It is heady and euphoric. It is the beginning of a romance x 1000. I always laugh when people talk about OW getting scraps. I got the best of him 24/7.

[aileD]

You can make jokes but you have no idea how MM can make you feel. It is heady and euphoric. It is the beginning of a romance x 1000. I always laugh when people talk about OW getting scraps. I got the best of him 24/7.

 

No you didn't. You got the parts of him he needed to give you in order to get you to sleep with him repeatedly.

 

I'm sorry but that's the truth. "the best" of someone is not the part betraying family and marriage and commitment.

[goodyblue]

No, it isn't the truth. But, we have been together for years now so maybe it is different. I definitely got the best of him and still do.

 

You haven't lived it so you don't know what OW gets.

[MidnightBlue1980]

I don't know what country you are in, is adultery illegal? Please be careful.

 

My thoughts are that besides what everyone else said on this guy, he is the same nationality as your husband. Again, no idea where that is but think about it - the same qualities that your husband has, this guy may have them too. He is probably no prince.

 

Are you allowed to leave the country?

[Cyra]

No, it isn't the truth. But, we have been together for years now so maybe it is different. I definitely got the best of him and still do.

 

You haven't lived it so you don't know what OW gets.

 

If thats the case you are lucky and one of the few, the more common standard is that OWs get crumbs. I certainly did and majority here. The push/pull, going cold after sex, erratic behavior, limited communication, excuses why they cant see you, empty promises then stalling tactics and excuses why they cant follow through, declarations of love with words not actions, lies to keep us hooked, etc etc.

 

If you are getting the best and are genuinely happy with the situation, then thats great and im happy for you. But most of us have not been treated nicely and the experience was damaging to our self esteem

Edited November 13, 2016 by Cyra

[Forever broken]

If thats the case you are lucky and one of the few, the more common standard is that OWs get crumbs. I certainly did and majority here. The push/pull, going cold after sex, erratic behavior, limited communication, excuses why they cant see you, empty promises then stalling tactics and excuses why they cant follow through, declarations of love with words not actions, lies to keep us hooked, etc etc.

 

If you are getting the best and are genuinely happy with the situation, then thats great and im happy for you. But most of us have not been treated nicely and the experience was damaging to our self esteem

 

 

Cyra, I was wined and dined, took me out publicly, went hunting (which I hated but didn't want to hurt his feelings), stayed up hours taking after sex, about 9,000 text messages within three months, we even tried for a baby once or twice.

 

But where did that leave me? Broken hearted, unhappy and suicidal. He gets to move on with his life and I get to remain in his past. So, them treating you nicely is not a reason to stay. They have the same hidden agendas.

[Cyra]

Cyra, I was wined and dined, took me out publicly, went hunting (which I hated but didn't want to hurt his feelings), stayed up hours taking after sex, about 9,000 text messages within three months, we even tried for a baby once or twice.

 

But where did that leave me? Broken hearted, unhappy and suicidal. He gets to move on with his life and I get to remain in his past. So, them treating you nicely is not a reason to stay. They have the same hidden agendas.

 

I agree. By not 'treating us nicely', I didnt mean being outright horrible to us. That is another extreme. I can relate to the examples you gave. He took me for dinners, we went out in public all the time kissing, holding hands etc, we would text constantly every day until late at night etc. So I suppose with a stretch one could say I was treated 'nicely'. What I was referring to as the 'crumbs' was being the person on the side, the dirty secret, only taking the crumbs from his wife, not being to admit our relationship to people, his constant lies and false promises and lack of backbone. It was that and the underlying agenda you mentioned that is in the end damaging to us.

[Forever broken]

I agree. By not 'treating us nicely', I didnt mean being outright horrible to us. That is another extreme. I can relate to the examples you gave. He took me for dinners, we went out in public all the time kissing, holding hands etc, we would text constantly every day until late at night etc. So I suppose with a stretch one could say I was treated 'nicely'. What I was referring to as the 'crumbs' was being the person on the side, the dirty secret, only taking the crumbs from his wife, not being to admit our relationship to people, his constant lies and false promises and lack of backbone. It was that and the underlying agenda you mentioned that is in the end damaging to us.

 

 

Nicely written Cyra.

[Cyra]

I hate to hear that you were feeling suicidal. Its awful how these inadequate men can drive us to feel so low. Hope youre better now x

[Forever broken]

I hate to hear that you were feeling suicidal. Its awful how these inadequate men can drive us to feel so low. Hope youre better now x

 

It was really awful Cyra and to make it worse I refused to seek help because I have a medical license and was scared it was going to affect it. But am okay now, thank goodness. That's why I use my experience to steer people from that direction. Affairs are disastrous.

[Cyra]

It was really awful Cyra and to make it worse I refused to seek help because I have a medical license and was scared it was going to affect it. But am okay now, thank goodness. That's why I use my experience to steer people from that direction. Affairs are disastrous.

 

Glad to hear youre ok! I completely agree, its awful to be in that place. NEVER AGAIN and i hope i can help others by sharing what ive learnt too

[goodyblue]

I don't deny that affairs are never the way to go and would never dream of having any part of one ever again, but the truth is, there is a big world out there and for a lot of people the affair is all they want. They get the loving side, the fun side, the erotic side of the MM. and it is enough. It is all that they want and they are happy. Not only that, more people that started as affairs end up together than the stats on LS show. It is skewed here because the people here are in pain, the happy ones don't need this place. Nobody admits this because they don't want to hear it but it is true nevertheless.

 

Affairs are destructive a lot of the time but face it, if OW didn't get something from it they wouldn't be doing it.

[Cyra]

I don't deny that affairs are never the way to go and would never dream of having any part of one ever again, but the truth is, there is a big world out there and for a lot of people the affair is all they want. They get the loving side, the fun side, the erotic side of the MM. and it is enough. It is all that they want and they are happy. Not only that, more people that started as affairs end up together than the stats on LS show. It is skewed here because the people here are in pain, the happy ones don't need this place. Nobody admits this because they don't want to hear it but it is true nevertheless.

 

Affairs are destructive a lot of the time but face it, if OW didn't get something from it they wouldn't be doing it.

 

Agree with the stats comment. I know a few examples of people I know who had an affair and ended up together and are now happy. I suppose thats how my view was biased, I thought it would end like that for me as well.

 

If both parties are truly happy with what they are getting from the affair and it is enough for them (genuinely and not just pretending so they dont scare the AP off), then fair enough. But more often than not it is not enough for one of the parties and there is an imbalance with one party having all the power and the other party feeling bad and waiting for scraps.

 

Of course OW do it because they get something out of it. I did it because I fell in love with the man and I wanted to be with him. I got something out of it alright, but the majority of what I got was negative and the positives were 1. fake and 2. based on my unhealthy needs in the first place. I am glad I had the affair though because I would not have been forced to confront my underlying issues otherwise.

Edited November 13, 2016 by Cyra

[confusingme]

Thank you everyone for your comments.

 

I have been reading all the comments over and over again in these days, although I haven't responded to anything yet.

I have so much to say, however, the affair and the exMM part, I think you girls have said it all. And I have really had my eyes open now.

 

I have to admit that all the exMM has done for me was NOT really FOR ME, it was for himself.

 

I think it's stupid to be thankful for his "honesty" about his intention ?! Isn't it ?

Basically, he told me "Hey I want extra sex out of my marriage, and I like to have it with you." Then he manipulated me with the "rules" (sweet words, constantly compliments) like a master.

 

Now when I saw his actions when the affair was discovered: requesting me not to contact him anymore; putting me in block list...those ugly stuff only prove that I was nothing. The uglier thing is I didn't realize it fast enough, instead, I allowed myself to be drawn into the fantasized world that I have made up MYSELF in my mind.

 

I mean I had doubts, I would ask myself: How can he be so cold ?

I used to try hard to convince myself:Because his wife is giving him pressure, he's thinking about me 24/7, he didn't call yet because his wife is checking on his phone constantly...he is thinking about me when he has his lunch at the place we went together...he wants to call me all the time, just not safe yet...he will come back...and to have him back to continue the affair almost became the goal of my life at some point...I WAS WAITING FOR THE DUST TO BE SETTLED...

 

NOW, hell no !! That's not it at all !!

The ugly truth is: He dumped me without any struggle.

And he is not thinking about the sweet things he has said or the things he has done with me.

 

Right now, and for the rest of the days, I'm not thinking about HIM at all, I'm only thinking about the AFFAIR itself. I'm thinking of how weak I was in it.

 

I re-read my OP and I feel ashamed...I think I was totally manipulated...

I mean, I'm not gonna hate him, as he never forced me. We did have good memories together. I just feel ashamed...

 

I would feel disgusting if he contacts me again, and I feel sick when I realize all what he is doing now, ( calling me with faked numbers while playing happy family, plus, telling me "not to call me until I call you" ) is just another round of manipulation.

I hope he never calls me again as I know it very well now that I would never want to have him in my life anymore. I hope he just focuses on his family, his poor wife still didn't know about his first affair with another girl while this one was discovered. And obviously she forgave him real quick. But none of these is my business, for goodness sake, I wish no one gets hurt in any way, anymore.

 

My self-esteem has gone so low since I had realized all of it was just a game he played...

I doubted myself, I stopped going to the gym for 4 days, I never stopped going to the gym, not even on the dday...

However, it's time to pick the broken pieces of myself up and heal myself.

It's taken my heart...I have to say... I literally feel there is a hole in my heart...it feels so real...

But the good thing is I understand many things.

 

I don't think any man or any body can manipulate me anymore.

If this is a lesson I got from the affair, I think I can still be encouraged to live a bright life.

 

To all the confusing OWs there, if you are still expecting your OMs, all I can say is, please care for yourself first, don't worry about what he's doing or what he will do. If he cares about you, he wouldn't make you feel the way you are feeling right now. But take your time to heal yourself, be gentle to yourself.

 

life hurts, but time heals.

[confusingme]

Thank you everyone for your comments.

 

I have been reading all the comments over and over again in these days, although I haven't responded to anything yet.

I have so much to say, however, the affair and the exMM part, I think you girls have said it all. And I have really had my eyes open now.

 

I have to admit that all the exMM has done for me was NOT really FOR ME, it was for himself.

 

I think it's stupid to be thankful for his "honesty" about his intention ?! Isn't it ?

Basically, he told me "Hey I want extra sex out of my marriage, and I like to have it with you." Then he manipulated me with the "rules" (sweet words, constantly compliments) like a master.

 

Now when I saw his actions when the affair was discovered: requesting me not to contact him anymore; putting me in block list...those ugly stuff only prove that I was nothing. The uglier thing is I didn't realize it fast enough, instead, I allowed myself to be drawn into the fantasized world that I have made up MYSELF in my mind.

 

I mean I had doubts, I would ask myself: How can he be so cold ?

I used to try hard to convince myself:Because his wife is giving him pressure, he's thinking about me 24/7, he didn't call yet because his wife is checking on his phone constantly...he is thinking about me when he has his lunch at the place we went together...he wants to call me all the time, just not safe yet...he will come back...and to have him back to continue the affair almost became the goal of my life at some point...I WAS WAITING FOR THE DUST TO BE SETTLED...

 

NOW, hell no !! That's not it at all !!

The ugly truth is: He dumped me without any struggle.

And he is not thinking about the sweet things he has said or the things he has done with me.

 

Right now, and for the rest of the days, I'm not thinking about HIM at all, I'm only thinking about the AFFAIR itself. I'm thinking of how weak I was in it.

 

I re-read my OP and I feel ashamed...I think I was totally manipulated...

I mean, I'm not gonna hate him, as he never forced me. We did have good memories together. I just feel ashamed...

 

I would feel disgusting if he contacts me again, and I feel sick when I realize all what he is doing now, ( calling me with faked numbers while playing happy family, plus, telling me "not to call me until I call you" ) is just another round of manipulation.

I hope he never calls me again as I know it very well now that I would never want to have him in my life anymore. I hope he just focuses on his family, his poor wife still didn't know about his first affair with another girl while this one was discovered. And obviously she forgave him real quick. But none of these is my business, for goodness sake, I wish no one gets hurt in any way, anymore.

 

My self-esteem has gone so low since I had realized all of it was just a game he played...

I doubted myself, I stopped going to the gym for 4 days, I never stopped going to the gym, not even on the dday...

However, it's time to pick the broken pieces of myself up and heal myself.

It's taken my heart...I have to say... I literally feel there is a hole in my heart...it feels so real...

But the good thing is I understand many things.

 

I don't think any man or any body can manipulate me anymore.

If this is a lesson I got from the affair, I think I can still be encouraged to live a bright life.

 

To all the confusing OWs there, if you are still expecting your OMs, all I can say is, please care for yourself first, don't worry about what he's doing or what he will do. If he cares about you, he wouldn't make you feel the way you are feeling right now. But take your time to heal yourself, be gentle to yourself.

 

life hurts, but time heals.

 

And believe me, "To free yourself" is the bestest feeling of all. x100000000 Times whatever sweet things the MM has said to me.

[confusingme]

Your husband sounds awful. Why is it that you stay with him?

Seeing the msgs he sent to his friend would be enough reason to leave him. He obviously doesnt love you and only stays with you for the kids. Why would you put up with that? It also sounds a bit like this person he sent the msgs to, could be more than a friend?

 

As for xMM, bad news from the start. You found him on a dating website! This is not someone you met and just happened to fall in love with. This is someone who was out actively looking for lovers! That is consistent with all the BS he has been telling you, that you wrote in your other thread. He is just looking for ego boost, and he knows the rules well (dont get too emotional, the worlds can never cross blablabla, he also seems to have a liking for drama!) You're not his first OW and not last. Tbh he sounds like an awful person too, I still remember from your other post where you said he still wants to see you, but only if you are not too emotional and are ok with 3 hours a week. Seriously?! What a catch.

 

IMO the best thing would be to forget about this a$$, and then work on separating from your husband because that relationship is NOT healthy and I think it affects your self-worth which you then go look for in other crappy men. You have to liberate yourself x

 

Dear Cyra, Thank you always for your warm words and understandings.

First of all, the friend of my husband is a male, so I don't think there was anything more, just a friend.

 

Second, why I'm still staying in this ?

I do not have a good reason...

I do not want to sleep on the streets, I do not want to struggle with money. I fear.

 

And the possibilities of these consequences affears me if we divorce, even though by law, I "might" have half of everything of his, still, I'm not in my homeland, I just cannot let the fear go. (His friend's dad, actually, when he divorced, he somehow "managed" it so he didn't need to lose half of his property, he was rich and he had enough money to hire a lawyer and did all these nasty things. Having heard of this type of case, just scares me. At least, when I'm still completely dependent on finance, it is not easy to take actions even though I'd rather to be divorced.)

 

I wish you knew more about my marriage, how it was and how it became to this point. I'll try to explain as best as I can.

So, first, me and my husband met online as well, I guess it's another shock for you, however, it did work out, in some way, didn't it ? I mean all marriages have problems, even for those who have been friends for years before becoming husbands and wives.

 

Second, the "good steady life" we have now, we didn't have it in the beginning. He had been a student forever. He went to medical school, residency, all the years I have been with him, he's been doing his school. It's only this year, he's started his career for real and making some real money.

 

When we first met online, he was a nursing school student, he saved up money from working part time at a restaurant, to fly to meet me in my country, completely opposite sides of the world. It was like once several months. It was so difficult, however, we hung on to each other. There was absolutely no cheating on my side, and I assume no for him either since I know how it felt when we talked to each other daily.

 

However, we remained talking online and meeting once couple months, (max. 2 week each time), for about 2 years until we got married. It was actually not enough to be married, we never "lived" together, we never "be in part of each other's life". But we were so in love. And I saw how smart he was, how ambitious he was for his career. Plus, he had done his best for me.It was always him spending money on plane ticket and time on flying over. The flights would take 25 hours one way.

 

After we got married in my country, we had to do the paper work for him to bring me over to his country (where we've been living now). The paper work took 7 months total, so I had to stay in my country. During that time, when he went to see me one time, I got pregnant. For some reason, I stayed longer because I needed my mom to take care of me when I was in my late pregnancy and first couple months after the baby was born.

 

So when I moved to this country, we had our first baby 5.5 months old.

And now my husband was out of nursing school, but doing night shifts as a nurse.

He flew to my country to pick me and our baby up since I never flew a long distance flight, or with a baby, plus we would need to go through the Immigration process at the airport. It was really a lot of energy and time to spend just on one flight... He didn't stop by my family there, he just flew to my country, met us at the airport, and flew back to this country, like a non-stop machine, I remember we landed at night, and the next night he had to go back to work.

 

From my perspective, he was never there in my new life in this country from the beginning. he was working at night, sleeping during the day. only me and our baby sitting in the living room, without knowing anything about this new place.

 

But of course, I saw all the efforts he had put in in our life. And I had been so appreciated although I felt some kind of loneliness.

 

After about 3 months, he quit his nurse job and decided to become a doctor.

I honestly didn't like the change, I wanted him to be spending more time on ME and OUR Family.

But he'd been telling me since the beginning that his goal of life was to become a doctor, and that was one of the things that made me fall in love with this man.

However, when the struggle became the main part of our life, I was just put into it and I had no choice to make a change. And now I saw his ambition more like his own business, I know it's not his problem.

 

We struggled with finance, we had to live on student loans, I didn't enjoy life (buying accessories, nice clothes) for year. We struggled with time, his school just didn't allow him to take us to see places, this is a entire new place for me, an entire life for me, I had a lot of expectations, but all I had was baby, cooking, cleaning...

He was not there, he was not part of my new life.

 

Don't get me wrong or too extremely though, when I say he's never been there, doesn't mean he is completely absent all the time, he's there around in the house everyday, he has shown me the city and have gone on couple vacations, but we don't talk much, we don't do family stuff together, all because of his career. He's always so stressed, he cannot enjoy little things like kids picking flowers in parks, he doesn't push kids on swings, he's always in his own tunnel, thinking about stuff, I honestly don't think he has an affair, (Cyra, you asked me one time about if my husband is possibly having an affair as well). I know he's just thinking about his job, it's challenging. Especially when he's new and there are a lot of experts in his work place who might be harsh on him. He is just this type of person, his personality, I'm not saying it's wrong, but I'm not enjoying being with him.

 

I really tried everything a wife could/need/should do. I almost feel like I was the best wife in the world. At least, I did everything I could to keep daily life going. And I always tried to be understanding, I never asked him to take care of the baby, later when the second baby came, I still didn't. I contribute all of me into this family.

 

I do admit though that I am not good at communicating or solving problems. I used to throw tantrums if we got fights. However, I always feel like he doesn't take his responsibilities to make our life more joyful, he also makes empty promises, like he promised he would cook once a week, but he never did. And he thinks it's very funny for me to be mad at it.

 

I used to tell him how important these little things are to me, but he always used his school as an excuses. He even said I would ruin his school/career if I want him to cook. He said many of his classmates don't even need to deal with anything because they are not married. That hurt me so much, because he obviously put his career over me, I wished he could say otherwise "I'm so lucky that I have a family while I'm still pursuing my dream while other classmates don't."

 

But I know that while I was telling him the things that I care about, I didn't use a proper way, I was more like complaining. And I believe that's one of the reasons that he was complaining to his friend that I was not understanding enough.

He thinks"I'm working so hard to provide a good life for her but she's asking me to cook !"

I don't know if I should discipline myself and do better or not ?

 

However, I think Life needs joy, laughter. Being silly.

 

Another example:

It's very difficult to go out without a car, although we live in downtown area, it still would take 30 mins to walk to store.

I had asked him to take me to take the driver's license test, but he didn't take it seriously for years.

 

I'm just getting very tired of keeping telling him"Do the dishes" "can you cook for us once a week?"

Especially after the conversation between him and his friends was revealed, I totally lost hope. I feel he doesn't love me anymore. He stays in marriage because of kids. Maybe he wouldn't give up on me so easily since we've gone through so much.

 

I'm thinking of talking to him after the holiday season. I want to go talk to a therapist.

The conversation between him and his friend has been really impacting my life.

 

Thank you again Cyra, hope everything is good with you now.