Now how to see the beauty MYSELF ?

[Cyra]

I will send you a PM x

[elaine567]

I am sorry Confusingme, but your husband deliberately went searching in another country and in another culture I presume to find a "traditional" wife who would put up with all the cooking, the cleaning and the bringing up of his kids with very little input from him needed. That was a tall order in his country I guess, as few women would have wanted to fill that vacancy.

YOU are not supposed to argue or to ask him to do anything, or even have much input into your life together, or to even drive, you are supposed to be the dutiful wife and mother at home. He thinks it is funny when you complain, as he holds all the power and he knows it.

Now you have shown your "true colours", he wants to dispose of you and get a new more Stepford like model.

[freengreen]

My OM did ignore me few times but he never was harsh. i still cant refer him with bad words. May be I am still raw, may be I will see the light soon ( or may be just let it be)

 

But the thing is that we dont know what is a lie and what is truth. Before A I would be so pissed off if someone was dishonest. I preferred harsh truth over sweet lie. Since A I tell to myself " as if you were honest"... It will take time for me because OM was not all a$shole. He never actually showed me that he had an agenda with me. May be if I had stuck long enuf with him I would have known. No I cant stick any longer, I am already tired.

 

And probably I will feel like you soon. Eyes wide open.

 

I decided to end the A not because OM was rude or something. He was fairly OK.

 

It is for my H, he dosnt deserve this. He loves me and what am I if I dont value it.

 

My heart still needs to heal A LOT but its ok, this hurt will teach it not to wander. Whatever it is the A only gave me false happiness and real sadness, its like a drug, seems to make you happy but its breaking you inside out. In my case OM had a hand in hurting me but I HURT MYSELF more that he did.

Edited November 15, 2016 by freengreen
typos

[Chica80]

Dear Cyra, Thank you always for your warm words and understandings.

First of all, the friend of my husband is a male, so I don't think there was anything more, just a friend.

 

Second, why I'm still staying in this ?

I do not have a good reason...

I do not want to sleep on the streets, I do not want to struggle with money. I fear.

 

And the possibilities of these consequences affears me if we divorce, even though by law, I "might" have half of everything of his, still, I'm not in my homeland, I just cannot let the fear go. (His friend's dad, actually, when he divorced, he somehow "managed" it so he didn't need to lose half of his property, he was rich and he had enough money to hire a lawyer and did all these nasty things. Having heard of this type of case, just scares me. At least, when I'm still completely dependent on finance, it is not easy to take actions even though I'd rather to be divorced.)

 

I wish you knew more about my marriage, how it was and how it became to this point. I'll try to explain as best as I can.

So, first, me and my husband met online as well, I guess it's another shock for you, however, it did work out, in some way, didn't it ? I mean all marriages have problems, even for those who have been friends for years before becoming husbands and wives.

 

Second, the "good steady life" we have now, we didn't have it in the beginning. He had been a student forever. He went to medical school, residency, all the years I have been with him, he's been doing his school. It's only this year, he's started his career for real and making some real money.

 

When we first met online, he was a nursing school student, he saved up money from working part time at a restaurant, to fly to meet me in my country, completely opposite sides of the world. It was like once several months. It was so difficult, however, we hung on to each other. There was absolutely no cheating on my side, and I assume no for him either since I know how it felt when we talked to each other daily.

 

However, we remained talking online and meeting once couple months, (max. 2 week each time), for about 2 years until we got married. It was actually not enough to be married, we never "lived" together, we never "be in part of each other's life". But we were so in love. And I saw how smart he was, how ambitious he was for his career. Plus, he had done his best for me.It was always him spending money on plane ticket and time on flying over. The flights would take 25 hours one way.

 

After we got married in my country, we had to do the paper work for him to bring me over to his country (where we've been living now). The paper work took 7 months total, so I had to stay in my country. During that time, when he went to see me one time, I got pregnant. For some reason, I stayed longer because I needed my mom to take care of me when I was in my late pregnancy and first couple months after the baby was born.

 

So when I moved to this country, we had our first baby 5.5 months old.

And now my husband was out of nursing school, but doing night shifts as a nurse.

He flew to my country to pick me and our baby up since I never flew a long distance flight, or with a baby, plus we would need to go through the Immigration process at the airport. It was really a lot of energy and time to spend just on one flight... He didn't stop by my family there, he just flew to my country, met us at the airport, and flew back to this country, like a non-stop machine, I remember we landed at night, and the next night he had to go back to work.

 

From my perspective, he was never there in my new life in this country from the beginning. he was working at night, sleeping during the day. only me and our baby sitting in the living room, without knowing anything about this new place.

 

But of course, I saw all the efforts he had put in in our life. And I had been so appreciated although I felt some kind of loneliness.

 

After about 3 months, he quit his nurse job and decided to become a doctor.

I honestly didn't like the change, I wanted him to be spending more time on ME and OUR Family.

But he'd been telling me since the beginning that his goal of life was to become a doctor, and that was one of the things that made me fall in love with this man.

However, when the struggle became the main part of our life, I was just put into it and I had no choice to make a change. And now I saw his ambition more like his own business, I know it's not his problem.

 

We struggled with finance, we had to live on student loans, I didn't enjoy life (buying accessories, nice clothes) for year. We struggled with time, his school just didn't allow him to take us to see places, this is a entire new place for me, an entire life for me, I had a lot of expectations, but all I had was baby, cooking, cleaning...

He was not there, he was not part of my new life.

 

Don't get me wrong or too extremely though, when I say he's never been there, doesn't mean he is completely absent all the time, he's there around in the house everyday, he has shown me the city and have gone on couple vacations, but we don't talk much, we don't do family stuff together, all because of his career. He's always so stressed, he cannot enjoy little things like kids picking flowers in parks, he doesn't push kids on swings, he's always in his own tunnel, thinking about stuff, I honestly don't think he has an affair, (Cyra, you asked me one time about if my husband is possibly having an affair as well). I know he's just thinking about his job, it's challenging. Especially when he's new and there are a lot of experts in his work place who might be harsh on him. He is just this type of person, his personality, I'm not saying it's wrong, but I'm not enjoying being with him.

 

I really tried everything a wife could/need/should do. I almost feel like I was the best wife in the world. At least, I did everything I could to keep daily life going. And I always tried to be understanding, I never asked him to take care of the baby, later when the second baby came, I still didn't. I contribute all of me into this family.

 

I do admit though that I am not good at communicating or solving problems. I used to throw tantrums if we got fights. However, I always feel like he doesn't take his responsibilities to make our life more joyful, he also makes empty promises, like he promised he would cook once a week, but he never did. And he thinks it's very funny for me to be mad at it.

 

I used to tell him how important these little things are to me, but he always used his school as an excuses. He even said I would ruin his school/career if I want him to cook. He said many of his classmates don't even need to deal with anything because they are not married. That hurt me so much, because he obviously put his career over me, I wished he could say otherwise "I'm so lucky that I have a family while I'm still pursuing my dream while other classmates don't."

 

But I know that while I was telling him the things that I care about, I didn't use a proper way, I was more like complaining. And I believe that's one of the reasons that he was complaining to his friend that I was not understanding enough.

He thinks"I'm working so hard to provide a good life for her but she's asking me to cook !"

I don't know if I should discipline myself and do better or not ?

 

However, I think Life needs joy, laughter. Being silly.

 

Another example:

It's very difficult to go out without a car, although we live in downtown area, it still would take 30 mins to walk to store.

I had asked him to take me to take the driver's license test, but he didn't take it seriously for years.

 

I'm just getting very tired of keeping telling him"Do the dishes" "can you cook for us once a week?"

Especially after the conversation between him and his friends was revealed, I totally lost hope. I feel he doesn't love me anymore. He stays in marriage because of kids. Maybe he wouldn't give up on me so easily since we've gone through so much.

 

I'm thinking of talking to him after the holiday season. I want to go talk to a therapist.

The conversation between him and his friend has been really impacting my life.

 

Thank you again Cyra, hope everything is good with you now.

 

Hi Confusing....I have to agree a bit with Elaine567.....a bit

It appears your H wants very much traditional roles.

 

I also have to disagree with you a bit....I'm sorry. But medical school residency that is a lot of work. It's very hard.

Asking him to do the "dishes" or "cook" I disagree with. This is my POV and you can take it or leave it. If you worked yes I agree you both cook or you both clean etc. But you dont. He does he is the sole "caretaker" financially. Granted he puts that on himself but, still.

If he works all day long hours and busy then it's unfair to ask him to cook and clean as well. When you dont work.

 

You place too much emphasis on him. You need to find a life outside of him. Join a mom's group? Or a hobby. Something that is a life outside of his wife and a mother. You need to find something for you that you enjoy. Did I read somewhere that you are going to school.

 

You can't expect him to be the sole provider, and at home what are you giving in return? You want him to take care of you how are you taking care of him. It goes both ways.

[confusingme]

My OM did ignore me few times but he never was harsh. i still cant refer him with bad words. May be I am still raw, may be I will see the light soon ( or may be just let it be)

 

But the thing is that we dont know what is a lie and what is truth. Before A I would be so pissed off if someone was dishonest. I preferred harsh truth over sweet lie. Since A I tell to myself " as if you were honest"... It will take time for me because OM was not all a$shole. He never actually showed me that he had an agenda with me. May be if I had stuck long enuf with him I would have known. No I cant stick any longer, I am already tired.

 

And probably I will feel like you soon. Eyes wide open.

 

I decided to end the A not because OM was rude or something. He was fairly OK.

 

It is for my H, he dosnt deserve this. He loves me and what am I if I dont value it.

 

My heart still needs to heal A LOT but its ok, this hurt will teach it not to wander. Whatever it is the A only gave me false happiness and real sadness, its like a drug, seems to make you happy but its breaking you inside out. In my case OM had a hand in hurting me but I HURT MYSELF more that he did.

 

Free green, I'm glad you ended it.

And I understand the hurting feelings you have.

However, if you know your husband loves you, you really don't have any reason to go back to the OM. When you have love in your marriage, it should not be difficult to get all your attention to your husband.

 

I wish my best for you.

Hugs !

[freengreen]

Free green, I'm glad you ended it.

And I understand the hurting feelings you have.

However, if you know your husband loves you, you really don't have any reason to go back to the OM. When you have love in your marriage, it should not be difficult to get all your attention to your husband.

 

I wish my best for you.

Hugs !

 

Thank you for those words Confusingme.. I am badly in need of them.

 

I had a bad phase in my marraige and I chose a worst phase to get over it. How clever of me . Smirking on self.

 

Wishing you all good things. Hugs back .

Edited November 15, 2016 by freengreen