Wife isn't communicating and won't move forward with divorce.

[comingalong]

Was together with my wife for 10 years and married for 8. We had, at least in my opinion, a healthy relationship. We were very supportive during the marriage and always communicated well and compromised when needed be. Last year my wife started a new job, she became very distant and was very rude to me. Over the course of a few months I would ask her if she’s alright, she would get aggressive and say things like “it’s work, it has nothing to do with you, stop thinking everything is about you”. One night I found her hanging with a guy when she said she was at work. I was pissed and I told her I was leaving until she comes clean. I honestly didn’t think she was cheating, he was a coworker, and I stupidly believed her story. I stayed at a friend’s house. A few days later she says she wants a divorce, I asked why and she said broadly “because you’re horrible to me”. I asked how and she brought up some event a few years ago where I overreacted (and apologized for and she forgave). It was weird because she was extremely broad.

 

I begged and pleaded for a few weeks until I found out she was having an affair with this guy. I went no contact. I also found out she was drinking heavily, partying and began smoking cigarettes and doing coke. Coming from a family of addicts, I want nothing to do with this.

 

After 6 months I contacted her and let her know we should move forward with the divorce. No kids, no home, and we split all assets during the separation. There will be no alimony and we’re filing a simple no-contest. She ignored most of my emails and eventually said “ugh fine”. She said her dad will pay for the divorce and her lawyer will write it up.

Her lawyer got in touch with me with an agreement; I then hired my own lawyer to look it over. My lawyer and him went back and forth of some wording, but it was quick. My lawyer and I looked over the final agreement, and we let my wife’s lawyer know we’re ready to sign.

 

This was two months ago, my wife and her lawyer have not responded to anything. Not a peep. All they have to do is say “ok” so I can sign the documents and send them back.

Like many people on here, I still want to make it work. Am I optimistic? No way. I think Gary Johnson has a better chance of becoming president than my relationship working out.

Ideally, I would love the opportunity for my wife to come to me with remorse and we enter counseling and see if we can make it work. But I know this is not likely.

 

I have entered IC and my therapist truly believes my wife doesn’t want a divorce. That I pushed her into the decision (one of my flaws is I’m very pushy and I nag when things aren’t getting done). Never did this much with the wife, she was always on top of things, but she hated when I nagged. My therapist thinks she got the lawyer because she was sick of listening to me.

I’ve since gone NC, told my lawyer to stop contacting her’s and I haven’t contacted her.

 

Do you think her refusing to push the button to get the divorce going is any kind of sign? She went through the effort of paying a retainer and creating this monster, all she has to do is give her lawyer the ok, and she won’t.

 

I read a lot about the 180 and believe I am doing that, even when it comes to this divorce. In the past I would have been emailing her every day, now I’m just waiting.

 

I will eventually file, but I was wondering if her not going ahead with the divorce is any kind of sign?

[WomenWubber]

If she wanted to divorce she could have had that talk with you long ago.

 

Somewhere along the way she may have figured out cheating was a more feasible, cheaper and easier alternative.

[comingalong]

If she wanted to divorce she could have had that talk with you long ago.

 

Somewhere along the way she may have figured out cheating was a more feasible, cheaper and easier alternative.

 

And if she wants to cheat, that's fine. I'm heartbroken and I'm always willing to consider reconciliation. I'm still in my 30's and live in New York City, I'm a successful professional and musician. Getting dates was never hard and I'm not fearful of being alone.

 

But I am married to my wife and even though the rare likelihood of me forgiving her if she were to come back, I would try.

 

If someone wants to leave, I'll gladly escort them out the door. Which I'm doing, I've been very friendly and willing to compromise throughout the divorce. I don't get why she isn't finalizing it. It's like giving up 3 feet before the finish line after a rough marathon.

[Marc878]

She's stringing you along in case her new lover doesn't work out. Quit being plan B.

 

You can't make her do anything but you need to stop being in denial of who and what she is. Not marriage material.

 

Only until you take control of your life will this change.

 

There are better out there.

[Marc878]

And if she wants to cheat, that's fine. I'm heartbroken and I'm always willing to consider reconciliation. I'm still in my 30's and live in New York City, I'm a successful professional and musician. Getting dates was never hard and I'm not fearful of being alone.

 

But I am married to my wife and even though the rare likelihood of me forgiving her if she were to come back, I would try.

 

If someone wants to leave, I'll gladly escort them out the door. Which I'm doing, I've been very friendly and willing to compromise throughout the divorce. I don't get why she isn't finalizing it. It's like giving up 3 feet before the finish line after a rough marathon.

 

The marriage or you doesn't mean much to her or she wouldn't be with the other guy would she. Begging and pleading always pushes them farther away because it make you look weak and undesirable.

 

You seem to be codependent on her. Why?

[comingalong]

She's stringing you along in case her new lover doesn't work out. Quit being plan B.

 

You can't make her do anything but you need to stop being in denial of who and what she is. Not marriage material.

 

Only until you take control of your life will this change.

 

There are better out there.

 

I have control over my life and I'll be fine with or without here. I'm not dating, so I'm in no rush to divorce, especially if she pays for it. We're separated so any debt she creates, I am not liable for.

 

If I were her plan B, wouldn't she at least try to feed me breadcrumbs to string me along? Not saying I want this or will fall for it, I just don't know why she REFUSES to say a word after spending thousands in legal fees and has an agreement written up.

[Marc878]

If you're divorced she has no control left. Perhaps she likes keeping you in limbo.

 

Who knows but it's not good for you in any case.

[WomenWubber]

You have pushed your wife all the way to divorce except that one final little push.

 

She won't move a finger because she's good being married to you. Ball is in your court... if you don't want to divorce then don't. Simple as that.

[comingalong]

You have pushed your wife all the way to divorce except that one final little push.

 

She won't move a finger because she's good being married to you. Ball is in your court... if you don't want to divorce then don't. Simple as that.

 

That makes sense. I tried the 180 when we first separated, but I didn't fully understand it. One of the biggest grievances she had with me was that I was very pushy when it came to getting stuff done right away. I get angry when people are late, I'm very pushy when people are indecisive. I've worked on this, not for her, but for myself.

 

Now that I am out of the emotional turmoil, I can understand the 180 better. Maybe me not contacting her pushing the divorce is doing something?

 

At this point, she doesn't have to speak to me again. If she is ok being married to me, why doesn't she speak to me?

[WomenWubber]

You just typed it. Because she doesn't have to.

[comingalong]

You just typed it. Because she doesn't have to.

 

I just don't understand why someone would stay in the marriage. She has already rewritten the marriage and made me out to be a wife beating, drug abusing (although I've never done a drug in my life, but that doesn't matter, because the abused wife says so), and her friends and family are supporting her.

 

She has my last name and refuses to speak to me, even on issues like splitting items we have.

 

She wants nothing to do with me and it too prideful to pop her head in and say she was even 1% at fault. I just don't understand why someone would do this.

[WomenWubber]

And you may never understand all the whys or have any closure from her.

 

Her actions are proof that she's content with the current situation. Or in a worse-case scenario she may be plotting something, taking advantage of your passivity. If you two are not communicating, then you really have no clue what she's doing or plans to do.

 

So what's your take on this situation? What's your stance?

[comingalong]

And you may never understand all the whys or have any closure from her.

 

Her actions are proof that she's content with the current situation. Or in a worse-case scenario she may be plotting something, taking advantage of your passivity. If you two are not communicating, then you really have no clue what she's doing or plans to do.

 

So what's your take on this situation? What's your stance?

 

My take is:

 

I've accepted my marriage as over. Although it was more painful than losing my brother last year, I've learned a lot from it. I'm a much mature and better person from all of this. I'm going to make an amazing husband for my next wife.

 

With that being said, my wife and I had a very good relationship. We had. Very good bond up to the day she met this other guy.

 

I want to fix my marriage and have her come back understanding what she did wrong and be willing to put the work in. I know this is unlikely. She never had a college experience, and only dated one other guy other than me. I am open to it.

 

I find how my accidental 180 have me different results. When I begged and pleaded, it pushed her away. When I was begging her to get moving on the divorce, she pushed the divorce hard. Now that I went dark and haven't contacted her in over 6 months and my lawyer has stopped tried to contact hers.

 

I just don't know what's going on.

[S2B]

It's never useful to ask "why"... it is ONLY useful to ask "how can I make this different"?

 

And that requires YOU to take action that is necessary to change it!

[comingalong]

It's never useful to ask "why"... it is ONLY useful to ask "how can I make this different"?

 

And that requires YOU to take action that is necessary to change it!

 

You are right.

 

Although I'm doing nothing, my lack of action (me stop nagging her to hurry with the divorce) caused her to not move forward with the divorce.

 

I don't know if this is a good sign or I'm just being silly?

[stillafool]

You don't need your wife to move forward to file for the divorce you can file as well.

[comingalong]

You don't need your wife to move forward to file for the divorce you can file as well.

 

I never wanted the divorce, I want to reconcile. If she pushes for divorce, which she was doing, I'll agree to it. I'm not forcing someone to be married to me.

[comingalong]

I'm just thinking maybe this is where she changes her mind? We've been separated for a year and half if I think about it.

[mikeylo]

Since the divorce hasnt been filed, you have been tricked into state of limbo.

 

Stop looking at her or her lawyer. Get up and file or keep looking.

[comingalong]

Since the divorce hasnt been filed, you have been tricked into state of limbo.

 

Stop looking at her or her lawyer. Get up and file or keep looking.

 

 

Why would someone stay in a marriage they want out of? Unless they don't want out.

[Marc878]

You appear to be grasping at any ray of hope. Is she living with her lover now?

 

Ask yourself this. Is this the type of woman you want to try and have children and a future with?

 

The past is a good indicator of the furure.

[comingalong]

You appear to be grasping at any ray of hope. Is she living with her lover now?

 

Ask yourself this. Is this the type of woman you want to try and have children and a future with?

 

The past is a good indicator of the furure.

 

99% of our relationship she was a loving and caring as selfless person. A part of me will grasp onto hope until the divorce is actually filed.

 

It seems she stopped the movement and there must be some reason.

[DKT3]

Could very well be the drugs.....maybe she is stalling because she doesn't want a divorce but can't face that she has both cheated and using drugs knowing your stance on addiction.

[stillafool]

Also she may not have the money to file anymore. Why don't you ask her why she hasn't filed?

[Arieswoman]

comingalong,

Your wife is a cake-eater pure and simple.

 

Stalling on the divorce is her way of keeping control over you, so don't allow it.

 

Have a meeting with your solicitor/lawyer and ask him/her what your options are and how you can move forward.

 

Good luck x