Would you feel different if it was your decision?

[Midlifecrisis1]

I keep wondering why I am so hung up on xMM that I was with for 4 months. He wasn't physically attractive or successful or anything. He was sweet and warm and great with children. he talked all the time about our future together and how I was his absolute dream and he will marry me and wanted to be public with me and blend our families. I always brought him back to reality reminding him how messy it would be. But it was only 4 months.

 

I was the one who initiated the conversation with "I think maybe we should stop" and he was very upset. When I told him 2 days later that I missed him and still wanted to be with him and that ending it was a mistake, he said that it was actually right and stuck with it.

 

I think if I had left it alone after I ended it, I would not be hung up on him. I think I'm going crazy over this because he took the control and the power away from me and was the one to end things.

 

So I'm wondering about the rest of you...do you think your feelings are clouded by the fact that you weren't the one with the control? Are there any posters here who did have the control and made the decision to end things and are still hung up on the ex or is it just much easier to move on if it was your decision even if you had real feelings and attachment to this person?

[Cyra]

I keep wondering why I am so hung up on xMM that I was with for 4 months. He wasn't physically attractive or successful or anything. He was sweet and warm and great with children. he talked all the time about our future together and how I was his absolute dream and he will marry me and wanted to be public with me and blend our families. I always brought him back to reality reminding him how messy it would be. But it was only 4 months.

 

I was the one who initiated the conversation with "I think maybe we should stop" and he was very upset. When I told him 2 days later that I missed him and still wanted to be with him and that ending it was a mistake, he said that it was actually right and stuck with it.

 

I think if I had left it alone after I ended it, I would not be hung up on him. I think I'm going crazy over this because he took the control and the power away from me and was the one to end things.

 

So I'm wondering about the rest of you...do you think your feelings are clouded by the fact that you weren't the one with the control? Are there any posters here who did have the control and made the decision to end things and are still hung up on the ex or is it just much easier to move on if it was your decision even if you had real feelings and attachment to this person?

 

For me it was a blessing that he ended it. I could not have done it, i was too weak and too deep in. Whenever I tried, I would crumble in the next days because I missed him.

Would I have felt better if it was me who dumped him, yes definitely, had I had the strength to do so. But I didn't, so him ending it in the way he did was the only way for me to get out. The choice was taken out of my hands and therefore there was nothing I could do about it.

[aileD]

For me it was a blessing that he ended it. I could not have done it, i was too weak and too deep in. Whenever I tried, I would crumble in the next days because I missed him.

Would I have felt better if it was me who dumped him, yes definitely, had I had the strength to do so. But I didn't, so him ending it in the way he did was the only way for me to get out. The choice was taken out of my hands and therefore there was nothing I could do about it.

 

Can't answer the main question but yikes.

 

Anyone who talks about divorce and marriage and kids in the first four months of an affair is definitely just looking to hook you into frequent sex.

[Cyra]

Can't answer the main question but yikes.

 

Anyone who talks about divorce and marriage and kids in the first four months of an affair is definitely just looking to hook you into frequent sex.

 

I agree that is off to talk about things like that so early on. As AileD said, or he just lived in major fantasy land

[Forever broken]

I keep wondering why I am so hung up on xMM that I was with for 4 months. He wasn't physically attractive or successful or anything. He was sweet and warm and great with children. he talked all the time about our future together and how I was his absolute dream and he will marry me and wanted to be public with me and blend our families. I always brought him back to reality reminding him how messy it would be. But it was only 4 months.

 

I was the one who initiated the conversation with "I think maybe we should stop" and he was very upset. When I told him 2 days later that I missed him and still wanted to be with him and that ending it was a mistake, he said that it was actually right and stuck with it.

 

I think if I had left it alone after I ended it, I would not be hung up on him. I think I'm going crazy over this because he took the control and the power away from me and was the one to end things.

 

So I'm wondering about the rest of you...do you think your feelings are clouded by the fact that you weren't the one with the control? Are there any posters here who did have the control and made the decision to end things and are still hung up on the ex or is it just much easier to move on if it was your decision even if you had real feelings and attachment to this person?

 

 

I ended things but it was on good terms. I was still broken because I deeply loved him. I knew it was the right thing to do however painful it was. We sat down and had an honest talk. I was okay to move on. He strongly wanted us to remain friends after.

 

However, it was the way he went about it when the affair was discovered by the wife that set me back.

[present_tense]

I keep wondering why I am so hung up on xMM that I was with for 4 months. He wasn't physically attractive or successful or anything. He was sweet and warm and great with children. he talked all the time about our future together and how I was his absolute dream and he will marry me and wanted to be public with me and blend our families. I always brought him back to reality reminding him how messy it would be. But it was only 4 months.

 

I was the one who initiated the conversation with "I think maybe we should stop" and he was very upset. When I told him 2 days later that I missed him and still wanted to be with him and that ending it was a mistake, he said that it was actually right and stuck with it.

 

I think if I had left it alone after I ended it, I would not be hung up on him. I think I'm going crazy over this because he took the control and the power away from me and was the one to end things.

 

So I'm wondering about the rest of you...do you think your feelings are clouded by the fact that you weren't the one with the control? Are there any posters here who did have the control and made the decision to end things and are still hung up on the ex or is it just much easier to move on if it was your decision even if you had real feelings and attachment to this person?

My situation feels against the norm in the sense my exAP is a MW who seems to act like most other MM I've read about on here. However she was telling me the same kinda stuff about being in love, divorcing, picturing our wedding day, living together from very early on. It rang alarm bells for me but I believed her and fell for that dream too. I remember towards the end feeling like I wanted more, that I was bored of the situation and almost wanting out myself. But when she ended it, I was devastated and miss her still to some extent. Sometimes the only thing that stops me from breaking NC is losing this so called 'power' or 'control'. I'm adamant I would have been fine if I had the strength to end it, and I remind myself that a relationship where power and control is present shows you how unhealthy and unequal the relationship was in the first place.

[Lillyp32]

I ended things but it was on good terms. I was still broken because I deeply loved him. I knew it was the right thing to do however painful it was. We sat down and had an honest talk. I was okay to move on. He strongly wanted us to remain friends after.

 

However, it was the way he went about it when the affair was discovered by the wife that set me back.

 

This! We had a talk like this before dday. In fact, we'd had several in the month leading up to dday. They were always initiated by me. I knew it needed to end completely even though I knew it would break my heart. He always wanted me in his life some how though and always found a way to sort of reel me back in.

 

Like you, it was how he went about it after dday that felt like I was punched in the gut. It seriously set me back.

[Noideanow]

I keep wondering why I am so hung up on xMM that I was with for 4 months. He wasn't physically attractive or successful or anything. He was sweet and warm and great with children. he talked all the time about our future together and how I was his absolute dream and he will marry me and wanted to be public with me and blend our families. I always brought him back to reality reminding him how messy it would be. But it was only 4 months.

 

I was the one who initiated the conversation with "I think maybe we should stop" and he was very upset. When I told him 2 days later that I missed him and still wanted to be with him and that ending it was a mistake, he said that it was actually right and stuck with it.

 

I think if I had left it alone after I ended it, I would not be hung up on him. I think I'm going crazy over this because he took the control and the power away from me and was the one to end things.

 

So I'm wondering about the rest of you...do you think your feelings are clouded by the fact that you weren't the one with the control? Are there any posters here who did have the control and made the decision to end things and are still hung up on the ex or is it just much easier to move on if it was your decision even if you had real feelings and attachment to this person?

 

the fact that you dont view him as attractive and succesful, tells me you dont love him:confused: no matter what if you love someone, in your eyes he should be the only and sexiest man ever and no matter what he does for a living you worship it as the meaning of life itself:love: you seem to look down on him (and on yourself?) and i think he can sense it? i think for now you should be glad the way things are and look deep within yourself and examine your thoughts:o the way you talk about reality and being the one in touch with it in itself is very illusionary, which seems ironic:(

[buglet78]

Early on, I tried to end things with my xMM. He got upset with me, I was scared (we were very good friends first, and I did not want to lose that), and we went back to our A, and from there, the heavy future faking started (how we were going to live together, trips we would take together, how I was his "one and only" *gags*).

 

In the end, he ended it, but I went NC first. I think I would have had an easier time if I stuck to my guns and ended it (not too much time invested, no future faking, and I would have seen the end coming - not the right out of the blue ending like what happened).

[eye of the storm]

I broke up with MM. I am still struggling.

 

Knowing he is still there waiting for me...He has told me he will be there for me, he didn't want me to go, if I ever need him to call.

 

I sometimes wish he had broken up with me. Because then I would know I couldn't go back. But I can. With just a phone call I could start it up again.

 

I chose to walk away from someone I love. Someone who made my life better. Someone who loved me to.

 

I know why I did it. It was the right thing to do. I was stalling my life. But, knowing he is there waiting for me is hard.

 

Midlife, I don't think it matters who breaks up with who. We all suffer.

[Chica80]

I broke up with MM. I am still struggling.

 

Knowing he is still there waiting for me...He has told me he will be there for me, he didn't want me to go, if I ever need him to call.

 

I sometimes wish he had broken up with me. Because then I would know I couldn't go back. But I can. With just a phone call I could start it up again.

 

I chose to walk away from someone I love. Someone who made my life better. Someone who loved me to.

 

I know why I did it. It was the right thing to do. I was stalling my life. But, knowing he is there waiting for me is hard.

 

Midlife, I don't think it matters who breaks up with who. We all suffer.

 

 

Ya í weirdly understand this.....the times I felt he has been decisive, this is not good you need to move on have felt good....it's the pulling back in and it's always subtle not overt.

 

Because there's never truly I want this to be over. Even if I don't say it I need you don't go.....

[Midlifecrisis1]

the fact that you dont view him as attractive and succesful, tells me you dont love him:confused: no matter what if you love someone, in your eyes he should be the only and sexiest man ever and no matter what he does for a living you worship it as the meaning of life itself:love: you seem to look down on him (and on yourself?) and i think he can sense it? i think for now you should be glad the way things are and look deep within yourself and examine your thoughts:o the way you talk about reality and being the one in touch with it in itself is very illusionary, which seems ironic:(

 

I found him very attractive, but I can still view him objectively. And I didn't care about his financial status. Yes it happened fast, but we were both ripe and starving for this affection.

[Poppy47]

I was the one to break up with xMM after 8 years.

 

It is 30 weeks now since I had contact with him.

 

There was big history and a bond between us after that length of time. It is like trying to make a new life.

 

It was the best thing I could do for myself. He would never have broken up .

 

At least I was the one to walk away. There was enough humiliation and pain being the OW for 8 years.

Poppy.

[MidnightBlue1980]

I keep wondering why I am so hung up on xMM that I was with for 4 months. He wasn't physically attractive or successful or anything. He was sweet and warm and great with children. he talked all the time about our future together and how I was his absolute dream and he will marry me and wanted to be public with me and blend our families. I always brought him back to reality reminding him how messy it would be. But it was only 4 months.

 

I was the one who initiated the conversation with "I think maybe we should stop" and he was very upset. When I told him 2 days later that I missed him and still wanted to be with him and that ending it was a mistake, he said that it was actually right and stuck with it.

 

I think if I had left it alone after I ended it, I would not be hung up on him. I think I'm going crazy over this because he took the control and the power away from me and was the one to end things.

 

So I'm wondering about the rest of you...do you think your feelings are clouded by the fact that you weren't the one with the control? Are there any posters here who did have the control and made the decision to end things and are still hung up on the ex or is it just much easier to move on if it was your decision even if you had real feelings and attachment to this person?

 

I ended it and I was obviously hung up on him for the entire year here. It didn't make it any easier to move on and I got tangled in all the negative emotions when he lied about me to his wife.

[Grapesofwrath]

It probably is easier to heal if you're the one to end it. Because if you end it, you have weighed out options and realized that walking away is the better one for you, even if it hurts. You've had time to come to grips with your feelings on that before you make that final break. You get a jump start on the healing.

 

I ended my 15-month A. He would like to be "friends" but I'm not down with that. We weren't friends before. We were lovers. And there is nothing there on which to base a friendship. The foundation of that "friendship" would be lies, betrayal, deceipt, selfishness and secrecy. That's not a friendship that I want in my life.

 

To those who are still struggling...please know it will get better. It's tough. You will waiver in your convictions. But stay the course. I've now been dating a single and available man and he is fantastic. It's wonderful. We make plans. We are seen together in public. We can meet each other's friends. I can text/call him any time I want. He is very loving, affectionate, and romantic. And this time I can enjoy all that without the lingering ugliness that it will end in a couple hours, that it comes at a cost to someone else, or that he will go dark on me for days afterward.

[Onlywhenitrains]

We had several break-ups/get back togethers always initiated by me, and him coming back over and over again wanting to re-start the A. Most of the time, I couldn't resist and would get back in. But each time I got back, the length of time it would last was less and less. I couldn't do it.

 

It's been 3+ months of NC/LC for me, and most recently as 3 weeks ago he contacted me again wanting the things as they were in the A. For a split-second the thought about starting it all over again came to my mind, and I panicked. No way I could start it over. I had a panic attack just thinking about the A with him being part of my life again. Felt good, because I was finally in control.

 

Do I miss him? Yes. Am I sad? Yes. Is it hard? Yes. But, it was all that and much, much more when I was in the A.

[MidnightBlue1980]

We had several break-ups/get back togethers always initiated by me, and him coming back over and over again wanting to re-start the A. Most of the time, I couldn't resist and would get back in. But each time I got back, the length of time it would last was less and less. I couldn't do it.

 

It's been 3+ months of NC/LC for me, and most recently as 3 weeks ago he contacted me again wanting the things as they were in the A. For a split-second the thought about starting it all over again came to my mind, and I panicked. No way I could start it over. I had a panic attack just thinking about the A with him being part of my life again. Felt good, because I was finally in control.

 

Do I miss him? Yes. Am I sad? Yes. Is it hard? Yes. But, it was all that and much, much more when I was in the A.

 

I agree. It does get better and I had the same panic attacks at even talking with him. I'd shake and coffee would go all over the floor.

 

It happens without you really noticing it - letting go. When I saw him a few days ago and he told me about the massive blow up in his home, he said how he wasn't in a position to leave her right now, and I surprised us both by saying without hesitating, 'don't leave for me, I'm not leaving my husband - you and me, that was a year ago now.' He had just always assumed I'd always be there waiting and somewhere along the line I stopped, without realizing it. And I was kind about it, which seemed to make it even more horrifying to him. His eyes widened with surprise.

 

Time heals all wounds and eventually you will look back and realize you are just not that person anymore.

Edited November 12, 2016 by MidnightBlue1980