Is it really over?

[BabyDont]

The last four years I've been seeing the same guy about once a month, basically friends with benefits. I know it's an affair but it just never seemed like it really was because its not like we went on dates. We didn't even say I love you for first three and a half years into it, at least. I think the only reason we started to is because the last six months we started meeting more, like once a week, couple times a month at least. The more we saw each other the more wrapped up we got, he said it first one night and I said it back and then we did every time after that.

 

We never talked every day, we did sometimes but not consistently, the first couple months every day texted then after that it was more like once or twice a week texted, but some weeks not at all. He would phone me or video call every couple months. And we saw each other socially because we run in the same circles.

 

My cousin is his best friend. He introduced us about 7 years ago knowing we were a lot alike. He said it often you have to meet this guy your guys are the male female version of each other. He wasn't married yet but engaged and already had a kid. I didn't see anything attractive about him at first wasn't a thought in my head. But we all became fast friends. I barely know his wife, they are older than me so we everyone's together she is often with a part of the group I'm not and she's not interested in speaking to me so I've just never talked to her much, but we are friendly.

 

My cousin started saying his wife was suspicious of how much he's on his phone and wants marital counselling and all that. He complains about her some but not much to me, often says they are not compatible but we don't talk specifics about her. He's talked of leaving her many times but not for me. I've never given the impression I wanted that at all.

 

My cousin starts telling me they are going to break up because they don't sleep together anymore. Separate rooms. Again news to me! I asked him this time:. He says ya he can't perform with her, he thinks of me. I'm blown away. He's very sexual I'd say border line sex addict so I was really surprised. Still I tell him try counselling with her, it's really helped me in the past. He says he doesn't want counselling with her at all. But doesn't want a divorce because their kids are young.

 

My cousin just keeps feeding me stories and I eventually ask him to stop. I do not want to know about their marriage and really I just want this guy to be happy.

 

He never slows down with me this entire time, if anything it ramps up, September we were together couple times a week. Then October nothing because he can't get away... I never push for time, to me it's a friends with benefit thing we do not plan times they just happen but he's really bummed we haven't and keeps asking when when when

 

Then all the sudden first day of November he says I'm sorry we have to stop all this I'm terrified we'll get caught. Tells me he loves me and doesn't shy to .. He says he doesn't want to at least 5 times in 5 minute talk. But has to for his marriage. I say ok, tell him I just want him to be happy. He end its with we will talk soon.

 

I do not contact him.

 

My cousin says he's a wreck and can't stop mentioning me, he's told his wife he's depressed and has erectile dysfunction (NEVER did with me!) my cousin says I need to reach out. But I no way. I do not reach out when someone asks me not to

 

 

He contacted me yesterday with a weird small talk text, I responded shortly and he wrote back and I didn't respond..

 

What's he doing, is it over or not. Did this mean more to him?

It hurt at first but really I just missed the way he makes me feel, I know I'm going to be ok if it's over, but part of me wants it back. I don't even know, I feel like the confusion of it just keeps me in this weird place of curiosity and makes it hard to walk away.

 

I do feel I love him. But I feel like I could walk away from that, but it would be harder if I really knew he loved me.

 

If you stuck with me and read this whole thing, I thank you for caring even that much

Edited November 12, 2016 by BabyDont

[Chica80]

Why is your cousin involved and giving you all this info? He needs to stop!! You did right by telling him you don't want anymore information.

 

I think NC is the best you can do for yourself. He needs to figure out his own stuff.

I'm not going to tell you if he loves you he will leave to be with you because I don't necessarily believe that is true.

But whatever his priority is whatever is more important he needs to figure out.

 

In the meantime take care of yourself. Get into IC. Excercise eat well. Spend time with friends. You may find with some distance that he is not what YOU want.

[BabyDont]

He wants us to be together. My cousin does. Big part of the problem.

Edited November 12, 2016 by BabyDont
Spelling :/

[minimariah]

...tell him I just want him to be happy.

 

i find your altruism & SEEMINGLY unconditional love for this dude REALLY interesting (and when i write interesting, i mean fake).

 

you seem detached from the fact that he IS married and has a family - you're focused SOLELY on him without giving your possible future with him much thought (which would include you dealing with his spouse + children). you seem to be VERY prideful and in an effort to keep the power & coolness... you advise him to try counseling but you're not even THINKING about the fact that counseling with an ongoing affair doesn't work. the affair seems to be fantastic for your ego - he can only perform with YOU. you just seem so... carefree, having fun, not really thinking too much about the situation... you're the cool chick. one of the GUYS, the laid back type. whatever happens - you're good. there is no too much emotional turmoil with you.

 

does he love you...? does he want you back...? who knows. to be fair - both of you seem awfully immature to me so it can go either way. you won't know until you ASK him and talk to him - until then it's a moot point.

 

p.s. WOW @ your cousin fixing his engaged-with-a-kid buddy up for a new date. there doesn't seem to be ONE even REMOTELY mature person in your inner circle.

Edited November 12, 2016 by minimariah

[BabyDont]

I am not trying to give the impression I don't care, I think I'm just in shock. He's been one of my best friends and biggest emotional support for 4 years to suddenly have him disappear was crazy.

[BabyDont]

i find your altruism & SEEMINGLY unconditional love for this dude REALLY interesting (and when i write interesting, i mean fake).

 

you seem detached from the fact that he IS married and has a family - you're focused SOLELY on him without giving your possible future with him much thought (which would include you dealing with his spouse + children). you seem to be VERY prideful and in an effort to keep the power & coolness... you advise him to try counseling but you're not even THINKING about the fact that counseling with an ongoing affair doesn't work. the affair seems to be fantastic for your ego - he can only perform with YOU. you just seem so... carefree, having fun, not really thinking too much about the situation... you're the cool chick. one of the GUYS, the laid back type. whatever happens - you're good. there is no too much emotional turmoil with you.

 

does he love you...? does he want you back...? who knows. to be fair - both of you seem awfully immature to me so it can go either way. you won't know until you ASK him and talk to him - until then it's a moot point.

 

p.s. WOW @ your cousin fixing his engaged-with-a-kid buddy up for a new date. there doesn't seem to be ONE even REMOTELY mature person in your inner circle.

 

 

I tried really hard to stay detached. That was on purpose. The last 6 months though it was definitely harder and I really started to fall for him but I knew it wasn't supposed to mean anything I know I wasn't trying to have him for myself. I am at arms length on purpose.

[whichwayisup]

My cousin is his best friend. He introduced us about 7 years ago knowing we were a lot alike. He said it often you have to meet this guy your guys are the male female version of each other. He wasn't married yet but engaged and already had a kid.

 

Knowing he was with someone, had a child and knowing that's a family unit, why on earth would your cousin set you up with him?! And with that said , why involve yourself with him after all that? Seems you're setting yourself up for the big fall/big hurt.

 

Anyway, your cousin is loving the drama for some reason, he/she is too involved in it all.

 

End it with this MM, find a single guy to date and have fun with.

[BabyDont]

Knowing he was with someone, had a child and knowing that's a family unit, why on earth would your cousin set you up with him?! And with that said , why involve yourself with him after all that? Seems you're setting yourself up for the big fall/big hurt.

 

Anyway, your cousin is loving the drama for some reason, he/she is too involved in it all.

 

End it with this MM, find a single guy to date and have fun with.

 

He didn't set me up with him, just introduced us because I had moved to town and he thought we would like each other, we did as friends for like 3 years before he started telling me he felt other ways.

I'm friends with lots of guys I don't sleep with.. It wasn't the plan for that to happen.

 

I do date other people.

[BabyDont]

I wasn't trying to be a 'cool chick' I was being myself. I am who I am. I started jumping when my phone buzzed, started getting way to excited to hear from him. We never argued I never asked for more of his time.. I kept myself as detached as I could that wasn't for his benefit it was to protect myself.

[BabyDont]

He lasted 10 days before contacting me. I would bet money it's not over for him. This is first time he's ever done this in 4 years.

 

I'm not sure it's over for me, but pretty positive not for him.

[BabyDont]

My cousin is a good guy. He's married you, doesn't like this other guys wife though he says they are roommates and she's hard to deal with. They've been together 8 years though so can't imagine she's that bad! I am not delusional, I know this wasn't supposed to be forever I'm just very confused right now.

I don't know what I want.

[Forever broken]

My cousin is a good guy. He's married you, doesn't like this other guys wife though he says they are roommates and she's hard to deal with. They've been together 8 years though so can't imagine she's that bad! I am not delusional, I know this wasn't supposed to be forever I'm just very confused right now.

I don't know what I want.

 

 

I do not understand why your cousin keeps meddling in someone's marriage. If the guy is unhappy he can make a decision and leave. Is not your cousin's job to break his marriage or fix him up with anyone. He should really concentrate on his own marriage.

 

Do not be too quick to believe what the married guy says about his wife. You will be amazed at the lies they will come up with just to maintain a relationship with you.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Usually people here are so in deep emotionally, you seem really detached after 4 years. You say you like the way this guy makes you feel. I'm not one to really feel sorry for a MM but you are involved now in someone's life. If this guy leaves his wife, are you interested in something serious with him? Or are you just having fun? If its the latter, you really should go NC, these are people's lives.

 

And no, I doubt it's over for him.

[BabyDont]

Usually people here are so in deep emotionally, you seem really detached after 4 years. You say you like the way this guy makes you feel. I'm not one to really feel sorry for a MM but you are involved now in someone's life. If this guy leaves his wife, are you interested in something serious with him? Or are you just having fun? If its the latter, you really should go NC, these are people's lives.

 

And no, I doubt it's over for him.

 

I am attached as much as I can be for only seeing him that often and knowing the entire time he was married. I just never thought for a minute he was going to leave he never gave that impression. There were times he would start to complain and I'd just change the subject. I didn't want to know. I love him like crazy but just never let myself imagine it more than exactly what he showed me. I don't fall for words and he never let on there were major issues. If he left his wife ya I would try a relationship I guess, but this guy would need counselling. He says he wouldn't do that for his wife so as if he would for me.

I did consider him my best friend. I feel stupid I guess. I wasn't planning for it to become anything else.

 

I just don't get how after 4 years he's suddenly feeling guilty and scared. Never was before.

[BabyDont]

I don't think he would leave his wife. I did not mean that either, just replying to a post, what if.

[MidnightBlue1980]

I am attached as much as I can be for only seeing him that often and knowing the entire time he was married. I just never thought for a minute he was going to leave he never gave that impression. There were times he would start to complain and I'd just change the subject. I didn't want to know. I love him like crazy but just never let myself imagine it more than exactly what he showed me. I don't fall for words and he never let on there were major issues. If he left his wife ya I would try a relationship I guess, but this guy would need counselling. He says he wouldn't do that for his wife so as if he would for me.

I did consider him my best friend. I feel stupid I guess. I wasn't planning for it to become anything else.

 

I just don't get how after 4 years he's suddenly feeling guilty and scared. Never was before.

 

Men are good at compartmentalizing. You have no idea what is going on in his life. He may be having a baby and feeling guilty. I'm sure he will be back, after 4 years I am sure he is hooked on this extra spice in his life. It is exactly what my xmm wanted, literally what you are doing - once a month, a date, romance, sex.

 

The question is - what are you doing with your life? Are you single or married? Do you want to be here a year from now?

[minimariah]

He didn't set me up with him...

 

he did, actually --- and it's SUPER creepy how INVOLVED he is. ACTIVELY rooting for a family to fall apart while feeding both you & your lover informations... it's almost as if your cousin wants your lover's wife and he is doing THE MOST to make her available. it's just weird. and to be honest - it's also weird how YOU don't find it weird. there is a lot going on and lots of red flags flying around from ALL sides and you don't seem to see or catch ANY of them.

 

I would bet money it's not over for him.

 

it usually NEVER is -- it is the OW who makes the cut. MMs do come back & almost always try to restart the affair - that's typical. also - the SUDDEN guilt... it usually happens after a serious trigger and if you really think about it... it's logical that it'll come up after some time. in the beginning, especially when there are no emotions involved... folks don't think about the consequences. it is only LATER, when they figure out what they have to lose and how much their life might fall apart... it's not even guilt - it's fear of the unknown and of the consequences of their actions, really. RARELY do MMs/MWs feel guilty, almost never and when they do - it certainly has nothing to do with their BSs.

 

it's up to you to figure out what your next move will be. first, you need to figure out what you want from this guy and THEN - start from there. talk to him, tell him how you feel, be ready to go NC if he doesn't deliver - usually, people give each other some kind of timeline. it is not a ultimatum, but rather a deal - make an exit plan + move on step by step.

 

i'd go full NC if i were you & i'd slightly cut off the cousin, too. focus on making new friends and finding a new social circle, closer to your age. if the guy wants to be with you, he'll at the very least reach out with a clever plan... exit strategy + timeframe. and he should do counseling - not for the wife or you, but for HIMSELF.

[sandylee1]

My cousin is a good guy. He's married you, doesn't like this other guys wife though he says they are roommates and she's hard to deal with. They've been together 8 years though so can't imagine she's that bad! I am not delusional, I know this wasn't supposed to be forever I'm just very confused right now.

I don't know what I want.

 

I disagree.

 

He introduced you to a man in a committeed relationship and now wants you to be a couple. With total disregard for his wife.

 

Your cousin got you into this affair and wants you to carry on.

 

Shame on him.

 

How would he like it if someone introduced a guy to his wife to form an exclusive friendship with. Then his wife starts an affair, then encouraged her to reach out and continue, even if his wife said to stop contact.

 

Your cousin is NOT A FRIEND OF THEIR MARRIAGE. So he doesn't like his friends wife. That doesn't mean he triesto break it up indirectly.

 

Would it be okay if his wife's friend hated him .... so she introduces another man to her? Your cousin knew what he was doing from the very beginning. He's the worst type of friend any wife would want her husband to have.

 

Just put yourself in the wife's position for a moment. Would you think your cousin is such a great guy? If I found outmy nephew was encouraging my daughter to have an affairwith his married friend, I'd go ballistic on him. That the best he wants for his cousin is to be a mistress.

 

I'm appalled at him happy to have his cousin being a mistress. What low standards he has for you.

[BabyDont]

Well he's back. Sure didn't take long.

[BabyDont]

My cousin didn't introduce us in order to set us up . At The time they were not married they had a kid already, she had gotten pregnant after only about a month knowing him. In their early 20s at the time. I was still a teenager when we met. We just met as friends, enjoyed lots of the same things, had very similar upbringings and we just clicked as friends. His wife still friends with other guys too, she stopped hanging out with same kind of peoples him and started hanging out with other moms in town pretty soon after that and I never really hung out with her .

She didn't care that he went out as friends we never really went out just me and him alone ever. I can only remember two times and we actually met up with other people.

 

Not justifying anything I just don't think anyone meant for it to turn into what it did. I go to school and I work .. I try to stay out of his business. I've dated a few guys but never really seriously the last couple years.

 

I have liked what we had.

 

I don't know if it'll be different now.