And she was supposed to be my BEST friend....I'm done

[gaveup]

So, we know each other for about 23 years (I'm 27, she's 30), became best friends during primary school. I remember she was always different, she didn't have many friends. She never wanted me to meet with my other friends, she didn't even like my other best friend, she never wanted to come and join me and my other friends... She was always complaining about it so I gave on my social life for her and was spending (almost) all my free time with her. I thought we have been close because of the amount of time we spent together, and obviously we were doing everything together. I always had a feeling that I do much more and care much more. She has disappointed me so many times and I was always giving her chances and forgiving everything.

 

In 2007 she met a guy she has been talking with for a year (which I had NO FREAKING IDEA it's that serious...). A year later when I just returned from my holiday, she informed me "she's moving to another city to live with that guy, in 3 days". I was shocked and very upset, but I said ok, you wanna go, just go, there are mobile phones, it can't be that bad... (at that time there was no smartfones, it was still rare to have an Internet, too). I remember I tried very hard to stay in touch with her, I was calling her every day (she didn't answer my phone even once...). So..., I got so depressed, that was my first serious episode, I was about 18 at that time.

 

After a few months of treatment I get back to normal, but another issue has appeared - me not having friends. Of course, I dumped them for her, remember? For some reason, it was difficult for me to make new ones. Few month of sitting at home passed and there was another depression, another therapy, another treatment. She still didn't seem to be bothered. I've decided to move out to another country, during 5 years, she never visitited me. I remember I even tried to call her every day from abroad, I used to buy a special card just to make a call.

 

Lately, she has became very critical towards me, she has been sabotaging my ideas and my relationship. I have a feeling that we're not so close anymore. She doesn't have time for me, she prefer to meet with her other friends than me. When I call her, she never pick her phone up, never call back, never ask how I am. Last situation pissed me off that bad I stopped talking to her. Maybe I'm over reacting but few months ago I moved out to a different city (she lives there too), I remember I had a very hectic day (I treat high blood pressure) and I didn't feel well, I've checked my blood pressure and it was very high, I got scared and I called her that I want her to come to my house and just spend some time with me (I live by myself), again, she wasn't answering her phone, when she finally did, I've heard "sorry, I'm just going out, you'll be fine". So, I called emergency, they told me to come so I took a cab and went to the hospital. It was about 11pm, I left hospital next day at 12pm. I called her to inform that I'm alive and need to take a rest, she didn't visit me ( I politely ask my neighbor to do a shopping for me), instead she met with another guy.

 

Every time I tell her what I think, she says I'm being paranoid and that everythin's fine. She came to visit me a few times in my new flat, but I had to force her... I felt like there's always something and someone more important than me. My boyfriend is in shock that I still talk to her. He lives in the UK and I left so it's a long distance relationship now. But anyway, she met my boyfriend last time when he came to visit me, (she found time to meet us - surprise), she was very impressed when I showed her a pic of him long time ago, but I never thought I should be jealous. My boyfriend just told me that she messaged him and she tried to FLIRT WITH MY BOYFRIEND! They haven't been in touch ( he has no fb, no instagram, no twitter), we just use skype and whatsapp. She had to steal his number from my phone because she messaged him on whatsapp (and when I asked her to install the app because it's easier to communicate, she refused...)

 

I'm disgused by this and I'm done. I don't want to talk to her never again. I know it will be difficult so it may be an issue. How do I do it? I don't want to be alone, how do I make new friends? I'm scared I might forgive her again....

[Grumpybutfun]

The one thing I've learned in life is that people will come and go, even the important ones. Attachment causes us pain. The principles of Buddhism are very important and will change the way you think about mastering your emotions and molding your life.

 

I have had friends who changed so drastically or who behaved so poorly, that for my own standards, my own peace of mind, the only option was to let them go. It wasn't easy, but if we aren't kind to oursleves, if we don't preserve our own quality of life, we will go through life accepting and condoning bad behavior.

 

Practical application for me has always been to tell the person exactly how I feel, to make sure they understand that I'm disengaging from them and to be kind while doing it. If you feel emotional, writing a letter or e-mail might be better.

 

It isn't selfish to protect yourself or to want more from your friendships. I tell my children that their lives will be much less complicated if they know exactly what is tolerable to them, what their standards are and what they believe in. My life is pretty drama free and I have wonderful friends and family whom I am fiercely loyal to. By leaving some people behind, with compassion and kindness, I have opened up my time for those who are great people and who treat me very well.

Good luck,

Grumps

[Marc878]

You've made the mistake of wrapping your whole life on one person. You come across as needy and clingy which always pushes people away.

 

Learn to enjoy being alone. Block her on everything you have no future continuing to go in that direction. Time for you to grow up. Move on with your life like she has. It's time!!!!

[preraph]

I just don't know why you let this woman put you into a one-way monogamous friendship, but you were silly for letting her, I have to say. I mean, never let anyone try to get you to abandon your friends, not even your children.

 

So obviously, this was a one-way thing and she has the upper hand and feels free to take whatever she wants from you because so far you have allowed her to do just that. You need to block her forever from being able to see what and who you are doing.

[gaveup]

I got everything you say, however every time I try to make new friends - there is no connection, we can't click for some reason. I want friends for life, not for partying and stuff. It's just so difficult to build everything from the BEGINNING with a stranger. Relationship is different, it's easier.

 

I am not trying to take her side or trying to explain her. I am trying to explain my dumb decision of not finding sb else. I just don't know how to do it.

[stillafool]

This girl isn't the same person that you grew up with. She has matured and moved on with her life, which is healthy. You are stuck in the past. It is important to meet many people and make new friends when you are young which you should have done. The good news is it's not too late to make new friends. This girl is no longer your friend. Stop waiting and wanting to hear from her.

[stillafool]

I got everything you say, however every time I try to make new friends - there is no connection, we can't click for some reason. I want friends for life, not for partying and stuff. It's just so difficult to build everything from the BEGINNING with a stranger. Relationship is different, it's easier.

 

I am not trying to take her side or trying to explain her. I am trying to explain my dumb decision of not finding sb else. I just don't know how to do it.

 

You no longer have a connection with your exfriend either. She has moved on and more than likely has a new best friend. Leave her alone. There are millions of people so keep looking.

Has it occurred to you that she may have flirted with your bf as a way to finally end the friendship with you?

Edited November 12, 2016 by stillafool

[gaveup]

Has it occurred to you that she may have flirted with your bf as a way to finally end the friendship with you?

 

Not really, because when I messaged her today with my long "break up" story, she asked me to give her another chance, she admits, she doesn't know what has happened to her and that she knows she's got issues... But I am tired of it, how many times did I give her a chance? How many times she told me she's sorry and she will change. Yeah, I know it's time to move on...

[Marc878]

Not really, because when I messaged her today with my long "break up" story, she asked me to give her another chance, she admits, she doesn't know what has happened to her and that she knows she's got issues... But I am tired of it, how many times did I give her a chance? How many times she told me she's sorry and she will change. Yeah, I know it's time to move on...

 

You know people lie, right?

 

Only you can help you at this time.

[anika99]

Sometimes friendships change and evolve and sometimes they end. I met my best girlfriend when I was 13. We connected and our friendship was a huge part of my young years. I was introverted and was always content with having just a couple of friends. She was more outgoing and a natural flirt. Sometimes I felt like I needed her more than she needed me. In our twenties we drifted apart. I had kids while she was still free and single which made our lives radically different. She moved far away a couple of times which also made us more emotionally distant from each other. Eventually she moved away for good and it's now been about 15yrs since I last saw her. We catch up with each other from time to time still and I will always love her as the best childhood friend I ever had. I cherish the friendship we had and have nothing but fond memories. It isn't anyone's fault that we drifted apart, life just happened.

[preraph]

I got everything you say, however every time I try to make new friends - there is no connection, we can't click for some reason. I want friends for life, not for partying and stuff. It's just so difficult to build everything from the BEGINNING with a stranger. Relationship is different, it's easier.

 

I am not trying to take her side or trying to explain her. I am trying to explain my dumb decision of not finding sb else. I just don't know how to do it.

 

Making friends requires a little effort. First you have to appear fun to be with and to do that you need to spread yourself out into different activities that are social activities. And then you see who that brings into your sphere and make a little effort to befriend them by asking them all about themselves and at least pretending to be very interested in what they are about. Most people will really respond to that. And really listen when they talk too so you learn who they are. ]

[stillafool]

Not really, because when I messaged her today with my long "break up" story, she asked me to give her another chance, she admits, she doesn't know what has happened to her and that she knows she's got issues... But I am tired of it, how many times did I give her a chance? How many times she told me she's sorry and she will change. Yeah, I know it's time to move on...

 

You shouldn't have to guilt someone to be your friend. It almost sounds like you are obsessed with her.

[gaveup]

You shouldn't have to guilt someone to be your friend. It almost sounds like you are obsessed with her.

 

We have been through a lot, I mean A LOT. She's only person that know so much about me. And she's only closest friend I got. I guess I just miss our friendship, we had so much fun. What I tried to do was just to fight for our friendship. There's not many people in the world that have someone like this. But yeah I know she has different life now, she's changed. She told me that I act like I don't need her anymore and I'm confused. We talk less, we don't have connection... but we both still want to be friends. Well, after her stupid act of flirting with my boyfriend I am not so sure of it anymore. I guess I should move on, but trust me or not - it's freaking hard. And I don't have any other friend like her which makes me sad.

[Marc878]

We have been through a lot, I mean A LOT. She's only person that know so much about me. And she's only closest friend I got. I guess I just miss our friendship, we had so much fun. What I tried to do was just to fight for our friendship. There's not many people in the world that have someone like this. But yeah I know she has different life now, she's changed. She told me that I act like I don't need her anymore and I'm confused. We talk less, we don't have connection... but we both still want to be friends. Well, after her stupid act of flirting with my boyfriend I am not so sure of it anymore. I guess I should move on, but trust me or not - it's freaking hard. And I don't have any other friend like her which makes me sad.

 

A true friendship doesn't have to be fought for.

 

Your codependency will just push her further away. It appears she has grown up and you have not. You need to address this if you want to have a life.

[Area57]

I understand why you feel the way you do but I just don't think there is anything worth fighting for.

 

But why fight? That's pointless. This isn't a marriage you are trying to save. Why don't you put the ball entirely in her court. Don't ever initiate first contact. Only respond when she talk to you. whether by phone or whatsapp or whatever. Let her initiate all conversations.