Can good looks compensate for awkward social skills?

[AllAboutTheLooks]

I'm a 22 year old guy with Asperger's syndrome (form of AUTISM) and I've never had a girlfriend. I'm still debating whether much of it is because of my looks. For the past 2 years, I've been really overweight as I've lacked dietary habits going through college. The past year itself, I've never gotten attention from women, even though I've tried becoming more social.

 

 

I can recall 3 years ago, when I was almost 40 lbs lighter and fit, I took a summer course and noticed the prettiest girl in class showing interest in me, like wanting to walk me to the bus towards the end of the session, but I was too aloof at the time to take the hint and go from there.

 

 

Right now, I'm still overweight, but I'm putting in serious effort to lose weight and build muscle, as well as get better clothes. I'll admit, I'm a hardcore believer in the importance of looks. If I see a fat guy with a pretty girl I think "He was much skinner when they met, then he started to let himself go".

 

 

Because of my Asperger's, I'm unable to learn game, like flirting and playing hard to get since my brain doesn't get social situations naturally like 95-96% of people in society. Heck, it has nothing to do with women. I struggle having fun conversations with guys as well and shy away from crazy acts like leapfrogging and dashing in front of friends' cars since I tend to analyze the probability that I'd end up crippled. It sucks that I have to live with an ASD my entire life, but I'm going on an extra leg to maximize good looks so I'll finally have better luck with women.

[preraph]

Good looks are mainly useful for getting your foot in the door. Whether someone can handle your personality is another matter, of course. Like I used to be aggressive and I hit on this cute guy once and dated him for quite a while but I realized he was gay even though he wasn't ready to face it. But I'm gay-sympathetic and had lots of guy friends who were gay, so that didn't matter. We became regular friends even though he more or less used me as his beard and told himself I was his girlfriend when we weren't even having sex.

 

So he looked good enough that I initiated contact and followed up and got the ball rolling, but in the end, his passivity in general in not being willing to confront anything or anyone and just being too meek is what finally made me get disgusted and tired of him.

 

Now that can happen with any personality type, and there is someone out there, probably, who will like you as you are, but for most everyone that is a long hunt with lots of ups and downs and heartbreak, and so it will also be for you.

 

As far as learning games, you don't need to do that. But I'll give you one rule to keep you in check so women don't feel you're acting odd, and that is:

Show a person how you feel rather than telling them. Don't say "I like you" to find out how she feels. Your actions show that you like her and hers show if she likes you back or not. Don't ask "Can I kiss you?" If the time is right, kiss her and see if she kisses back.

 

Good luck.

[Shanex]

I have a bit of a socially awkward personality too, but I don't suffer from AS. And they don't prescribe meds AFAIK for Asperger.

 

Yeah, getting back I shape will help you. And I'm confident that being the socially isolated you may be won't prevent you from having a boyfriend. Though, please listen to my modest experience :

 

Quite some years ago, right around your age I was terribly shy and awkward and some girls tried to introduce me to many people so I could have 'friends'. Meh, didn't work. I eventually matured and work past college made me more confident and easy-going.

 

Getting a job, possibly stress-free (or at least not in a stressful situations most of the time), having your car, your place will make you desirable. You can improve your social skills over time. Just don't let a woman force you into it. Personally the worst experience I've lived being timid was to be introduced to dozen people over some weeks because the girl then was head over heels and thought we'd be together forever. Life lesson right there.

[AllAboutTheLooks]

Show a person how you feel rather than telling them. Don't say "I like you" to find out how she feels. Your actions show that you like her and hers show if she likes you back or not. Don't ask "Can I kiss you?" If the time is right, kiss her and see if she kisses back.

 

Good luck.

 

The actions are part of that firewall. Like touching her on the shoulder, or playing with her hair. I don't know when is the right time to do that. I might be seen as creepy if I touch her at the wrong time. Also, some guys tend to tilt their head in a way to show interest and I suck at body language big time so how would I get past that?

[elaine567]

And I'm confident that being the socially isolated you may be won't prevent you from having a boyfriend.

He wants a girlfriend, not a boyfriend.

[Shanex]

He wants a girlfriend, not a boyfriend.

 

I know right? The day when LS allow us to edit our post will be blessed. Cheers Elaine.

[elaine567]

The actions are part of that firewall. Like touching her on the shoulder, or playing with her hair. I don't know when is the right time to do that. I might be seen as creepy if I touch her at the wrong time. Also, some guys tend to tilt their head in a way to show interest and I suck at body language big time so how would I get past that?

 

I think you are going to have to teach yourself body language.

It is not going to come naturally to you, nor is sussing out emotions.

Coping: A Survival Guide for People with Asperger Syndrome

[kendahke]

Good looks are mainly useful for getting your foot in the door. Whether someone can handle your personality is another matter, of course.

 

This, more than your looks, is what you need to be focused on. You need to develop social tools that will help to keep you from ending up further than your goal.

 

Because you can be the cutest guy in the world... ...with aspergers. Not a lot of people know what that is or, at your age, has skill in dealing with someone who does have it. If they have no experience of it, they'll be more prone to not want to develop anything with you.

Edited November 12, 2016 by kendahke

[AllAboutTheLooks]

@Kendahke, As far as people not knowing Asperger's I blame our faulty education system and people's ignorance to social disorders. Americans need to learn about ADHD/Asperger's as much as they know about HIV, cancer and diabetes.

 

However, I feel like social awkwardness is less of a turn off for attractive people since they don't meet the "ugly nerd" stereotype. I'm not saying I'm not putting effort into social skills, but I will point out that I can't learn them nearly as good as an ordinary shy person without Asperger's. Looks can be a buffer for that.

[elaine567]

However, I feel like social awkwardness is less of a turn off for attractive people since they don't meet the "ugly nerd" stereotype. I'm not saying I'm not putting effort into social skills, but I will point out that I can't learn them nearly as good as an ordinary shy person without Asperger's. Looks can be a buffer for that.

 

Looks alone will get you a first date, but they probably won't get you a second date unfortunately.

[spiderowl]

Good looks always help but they are by no means the whole story. I have a close relative with Asperger's and I can tell you exactly where he would go wrong with girls and what he needs to learn to do. He is attractive by the way so that is not an issue. I would suggest the same things for you as I would for him, but you do sound more receptive to ideas

 

If a girl texts you, respond! Text her back, be pleased to hear from her. If she suggests meeting up, take her up on it. The guy I know would not bother texting back because he 'can't see the point' of chatting like that and he would probably respond according to what he was doing. If he was busy with something, he'd say so and inadvertently put her off ever suggesting meeting again!

 

Compliment women. It's not shallow to do that, just say something nice about her. Give her positive feedback, for example: 'I like spending time with you', 'you are a fun person to be with'.

 

Take initiative and suggest dates. Obviously, if she says no or seems uninterested then don't push it. Go out of your way to be in places where you can bump into the women you like. The guy I know would not bother unless he had a work purpose there or had to be there for a specific appointment. He would somehow magically expect the girls to appear in his life and well, they don't! There is no magic girl genie!

 

Be polite and respectful. Manners are important not just social constructs. I am not suggesting you have bad manners, by the way. This is something that a lot of guys could learn about.

 

Good luck!

[Gr8fuln2020]

The answer to your question is NO. Social awkwardness will always over-shadow looks. Looks helps temporarily and then one's ability to interact socially becomes too strong of a characteristic to ignore.

[AllAboutTheLooks]

The answer to your question is NO. Social awkwardness will always over-shadow looks. Looks helps temporarily and then one's ability to interact socially becomes too strong of a characteristic to ignore.

 

 

Only if she's a flaming extrovert who appreciates partying and nonstop socializing/connection making. I prefer to date introvert women who tend to flirt with their eyes. Social skills are seriously overrated and STEM majors need to rub that in until the extroverts get it.

[carhill]

Generally, an attractive appearance, as your opening post outlined from your personal experience, gets more interviews. It's during the interview that social skills come into play. All else being equal, the more attractive, the more successful interviews go.

 

Hence a good-looking socially awkward person will generally have more people initially attracted to them, because we generally first covet with our eyes, than an unattractive or bad-looking person.

 

To apply this to your personal situation, resume your prior physique, engage those who find you attractive and practice and perfect your social skills. Each opportunity your attractiveness and looks provides is a potential learning/growth opportunity. Perhaps one or more may result in a relationship.

 

As a tidbit from the other end, it's mostly societal pressure and hard-wired reproductive drive that impels all this angst if/when one isn't a 'natural'. Ignore that and life can be a quite pleasant journey. That message will probably come your way in another generation or so. In the interim, try different stuff and see what sticks. Good luck!

[Space Ritual]

OP,

 

As someone who is appearance challenged myself I can safely say that as much as people will say that it is your personality that makes you, the sad thing is that appearance usually holds more weight initially than personality or intellect.

 

I am the first one to admit I am this shallow, but I am never looking for a relationship. I was disabused of that "Relationship" stuff years ago. lol

 

It goes both ways as we humans tend to be visually stimulated. Women usually are not turned on by ugly guys, just as guys are not turned on by ugly girls.

 

As much as some people would protest that it's personality they are looking for I submit to you they are full of crap. They are just trying to convince themselves they are not as shallow as everyone around them.

 

I mean how many of us guys have made the off handed remark about women in the past:

 

"Nice tits and nice ass, but throw a bag over her head when you bang her because she s a Butta face....everything is good on her but her face".

 

I am as guilty of that as any other guy. It's why I prefer to bang women of ill repute and not worry about commitment.

 

We are a simple and shallow lot. So maybe the right one will come along eventually. But for the interim, focus on you studies. Look at how many Computer geeks make a ton of money and get a hot wife for a benefit?

[RecentChange]

Only if she's a flaming extrovert who appreciates partying and nonstop socializing/connection making. I prefer to date introvert women who tend to flirt with their eyes. Social skills are seriously overrated and STEM majors need to rub that in until the extroverts get it.

 

If it wasn't a hindrance to obtaining a girlfriend why are you even asking? You know it is.

 

It's not all about partying.... but it is all connection making.

 

If you want a quiet introvert, who says things with her body language rather than her voice - are you an astute interpreter of body language? Are you out going enough to read her, then provide the attention and validation she desires?

 

These are things that build connection. Making someone feel like you "get them" without having to struggle to make yourself clear.

[preraph]

The actions are part of that firewall. Like touching her on the shoulder, or playing with her hair. I don't know when is the right time to do that. I might be seen as creepy if I touch her at the wrong time. Also, some guys tend to tilt their head in a way to show interest and I suck at body language big time so how would I get past that?

 

You can't fake body language or it will come off stilted, so just try to be natural, but also minimize rather than maximize your actions, in other words, do use restraint. And I have to say that once you touch a woman, if she flinches, you are wasting your time on her.

 

Also, don't do any of that until you have asked her on a date and she has accepted, before you try to touch her arm or hold her hand or whatever. So you don't get to test her first to find out if she will let you touch her before you have asked her out on a date. If she says no to a date, it's over. If she says yes, it is just a date for her to find out if she likes you and vice versa. And then you begin by, say, placing your hand on her arm or back to guide her to her movie seat or things like that. Not anything that resembles a sexual advance right away. Then if a couple of dates go well and she hasn't flinched at your gentlemanly mannerly touches, you can think about going in for the goodnight kiss.

 

Since you have trouble interpreting body language as well as using it, you just have to rely more on just talking to a person and seeing if they seem friendly toward you and then finding a common interest and ask them out.

 

Good luck.

[deep_night]

im female and i think i have some aspergers traits for sure. it's really hard for me to be social and have conversations with people. i just dont know how to make it something natural. i mean, i can pretend to be a normal social human being and talk to people but i cant keep up for long. i just get overwhelmed and the real awkward me comes out eventually. i just feel like bursting. human interaction just drains me most of the time. even the sound of a group of people talking makes me want to run for the hills.

 

but yeah. it certainly doesnt hurt to work out and keep your physique. when it comes to flirting maybe it's easier to act like a shy person than a fake-confident person. if i were you id just find some small talk topics and try to talk to people i see daily and are attractive, try to build friendships first. that's the only way ive come closer to the opposite sex tbh, by being friends first. but on the other hand im female and maybe it's not the same as being male.

[SwordofFlame]

Good looks can attract extroverted women who know how to take the lead and make things easy for you. Whether that leads to a long term serious relationship is questionable though.

 

I think two socially awkward people dating each other can work if both embrace their social awkwardness and go with the flow. However, often times one (usually the woman) or the other expects the other to make all the moves and lead and that person has no clue what to do.

[Imported]

Maybe I have Asperger's syndrome too, but I never saw any professionals about it or considered it too hard. Which is good, because I think all that does is hold you back.

 

What helped me a lot was going to college and being around a lot of women that were attracted. This made it easy to be at ease with most of them as I was talking to a whole bunch of them all the time and not just as friends. I never zeroed in or worried about how I came across to any one girl, many times I'd be talking to one girl and thinking about another. You'd think this would be problematic, but people don't actually read minds and I guess how I came across...works, in many ways. I was not then nor am I now a juggler of women (player...), I actually didn't know what I was doing. But it was nice to have so many women obviously attracted, some of them very unabashedly.

 

Socially awkward? When you don't think about it and just talk to a person as if your opinion matters and that you have options beyond them, you probably will not come across as socially awkward to them. They'll be too worried about how they appear to you. So juggle some women and let it fall how it may.

Edited November 14, 2016 by Imported

[Herbalist]

It really depends a lot on what sorts of social skills issues you have.

 

Generally if a woman is into you, then you're not going to go wrong with a shoulder touch or failing to tilt your head at the appropriate time. The worst you're going to risk with things of this nature is going for a shoulder touch when a woman isn't interested or comfortable with you, so you might wind up embarrassed when she clearly doesn't appreciate the unwanted contact. But at the same time, it's not going to blow your chances with a woman who is into you. Just give yourself a reasonable sounding window, like 3 times alone together that she chose to spend time with you and she sits close to you, try a shoulder touch. It's really not super complicated, promise, just search for stuff online like "aspie guide to dating" or something, there is tons of helpful advice out there. And believe it or not, there is an entire demographic of women who appreciate the qualities of an aspie man, despite some of the challenges that can come with the territory.

 

However.

 

Being a douche is something that will significantly lower a person's chances, aspie or not. Not being a douche is very easy, though.

 

1. Care enough about a partner's feelings to make sure you know how they feel, even if you have to flat out ask.

2. Show that you care by not doing and saying things that are hurtful once you know how your partner feels about something.

 

Boom that's it. The "awkwardness" may arise from time to time when you might have to seek explicit clarification from a partner about something, but truth be told, neurotypical people have to do that sometimes, too. Humans are complex and confusing as hell, even for non-aspie people. So don't worry about it. You may even meet a woman who is also an aspie and live happily ever after. Just don't be a douche.