Marriage, falling out of love

[Dollhouse]

We are in our last 20s married for over a year with two young children. Over the past 4 months I have felt completely differently towards my spouse. He has always been s bit of a hot head, never at me or violently but if something annoys him it doesn't go his way he screams, growls, has even smashed his fist through a window before.

 

There was a pivotal moment about 4 months ago when he lost his **** when our son fell over in the garden. I was sewing at the time and because he had to get off his lazy ass to help him up screamed and hit the crap out of my washing line. The weekend before that he had belittled me in front of his sister and spoke to me like absolute garbage when I asked him to take some rubbish to the tip. Told me he doesn't like being told what to do when all I did was politely ask him, I would do it myself but don't drive.

 

Since these occurrences I feel like I have fell out of love, he repulses me. It's like I've been blind for the 7 years we've been together and now I have seen I can't unsee. No matter how I felt before I can't get the emotional feelings back even though I try.

 

I feel that I want to leave but deep down he is a good man and an excellent daddy when he tries and I know it would destroy him if I left and I am worried about what he would do. But then I feel I am still only young and I don't want to live the rest of my life this way. I want to enjoy life and be happy.

 

I am so cut up about it, I can't eat or sleep, I've lost a stone in weight and my clothes are hanging off me. Husband knows I am unhappy but not to the full extent. I am to scared to talk to him as I don't know how he will react. He has tried to make an effort and has been really sweet but this has no effect on my feelings for him and only makes me feel worse within myself.

 

What should I do?

Edited November 14, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
paragraphs ~6

[BaileyB]

The fact that you are scared to talk to him says so much...

 

Your husband has an issue with anger. Tell him that he needs to learn to manage his anger or you will leave.

 

Abusers are never abusers 24/7. They can be good, kind, dependable people one moment and absolutely frightening the next. Do you really want to walk on eggshells the rest of your life? What happens if it gets worse - because there is a good chance it will get worse. Do you want your children to be raised in a home with an unpredictable man who has a violent temper?

 

If you can, seek support and professional assistance - from a counsellor, a women's shelter, someone who knows more about domestic violence. Thank goodness he hasn't directed his anger directly at you or your children yet, but this is a potentially dangerous situation and you are best served if you seek professional advice.

Edited November 13, 2016 by BaileyB

[KimJ1234]

Leave. Think of your son...do you want him to grow up and treat his wife the way you're being treated? He may grow up not respecting you because you put up with this mental abuse.

If you have a daughter she may grow up thinking that it's okay to be mentally abused.

Be the strong person you want your children to respect.

[dreamingoftigers]

I dont know if this guy is an 'abuser' or if we are talking about some general misplaced anger issues that have caused you trauma and loss of trust with him.

 

I would suggest EFT therapy.

 

It has an 80% success rate.

[NTV]

Falling In and Out of Love happened several times throughout our marriage. Emotions always change over time it seems.

 

Maybe you could say something as simple as. ' your anger scares me' and he would get the picture?

 

anger is one of those emotions that really cover up a different emotion underneath... pain sadness... something else is going on that you got to get to the root of to fix.

 

A lot of guys are Hot Heads when they're in their twenties.

 

Idk... jmho

[Superchicken]

A poster asked if he really was an abuser.

Hell yes. If he can punch his fist through a wall, then he can do more at "Just" the right conditions.

Geoffrey dharma acted like a nice man, but we know what he really was like.

 

 

Others have said, and I agree. You need to take immediate action.

This guy is obviously mad at something. The fact he's taking it out on you, means that he doesn't consider you a person that he loves or respects. He's slowly loosing control I think.

 

 

Take a few days off at your mums, or girl friends house, and let him see what living alone will mean. No contact, so as he can again, see what its like to NOT have someone there.

 

 

Hopefully if he seeks help, or realizes what he's doing, maybe both you can start recovering your feelings for each other.

 

 

Ted

[Superchicken]

 

A lot of guys are Hot Heads when they're in their twenties.

 

Idk... jmho

 

No, age isn't the catalyst. Its upbringing, friends, and social contacts.

Of course, every person handles pressure and violent moods differently.

 

 

My Father and my brother both raised their hands on their wives.

Both swore at their wives, and my brother swore at my mom, with such anger.

I never swore at my mum, NEVER once, and I have never raised my hand to my wife. Hell, I got angry, but that's it. So, everyone is different.

 

 

Ted.

[Caysey110504]

We are in our last 20s married for over a year with two young children. Over the past 4 months I have felt completely differently towards my spouse. He has always been s bit of a hot head, never at me or violently but if something annoys him it doesn't go his way he screams, growls, has even smashed his fist through a window before.

 

There was a pivotal moment about 4 months ago when he lost his **** when our son fell over in the garden. I was sewing at the time and because he had to get off his lazy ass to help him up screamed and hit the crap out of my washing line. The weekend before that he had belittled me in front of his sister and spoke to me like absolute garbage when I asked him to take some rubbish to the tip. Told me he doesn't like being told what to do when all I did was politely ask him, I would do it myself but don't drive.

 

Since these occurrences I feel like I have fell out of love, he repulses me. It's like I've been blind for the 7 years we've been together and now I have seen I can't unsee. No matter how I felt before I can't get the emotional feelings back even though I try.

 

I feel that I want to leave but deep down he is a good man and an excellent daddy when he tries and I know it would destroy him if I left and I am worried about what he would do. But then I feel I am still only young and I don't want to live the rest of my life this way. I want to enjoy life and be happy.

 

I am so cut up about it, I can't eat or sleep, I've lost a stone in weight and my clothes are hanging off me. Husband knows I am unhappy but not to the full extent. I am to scared to talk to him as I don't know how he will react. He has tried to make an effort and has been really sweet but this has no effect on my feelings for him and only makes me feel worse within myself.

 

What should I do?

a. he should seek counseling

b. before any divorce see a marriage counselor

c. if that does not work, give a marriage chance. Mend and adjust your ways.

d. try to stay in love and not fall out of love

e. tell hubby to get a handle on his issues and do what he has to do to keep you

f. make concessions, you could be causing him to be a hot head.

g. tell him, his kids should not see that type of behavior from their father!

[dichotomy]

A poster asked if he really was an abuser.

Hell yes. If he can punch his fist through a wall, then he can do more at "Just" the right conditions.

Geoffrey dharma acted like a nice man, but we know what he really was like.

 

 

Others have said, and I agree. You need to take immediate action.

This guy is obviously mad at something. The fact he's taking it out on you, means that he doesn't consider you a person that he loves or respects. He's slowly loosing control I think.

 

 

Take a few days off at your mums, or girl friends house, and let him see what living alone will mean. No contact, so as he can again, see what its like to NOT have someone there.

 

 

Hopefully if he seeks help, or realizes what he's doing, maybe both you can start recovering your feelings for each other.

 

 

Ted

 

 

I have been dealing with some depression and resentment over my wife Recently I got mad and punched the wall in my bathroom after I stubbed my toe on the way out. There are knuckle indentations.

 

I would never ever ever ever ever hit my wife or even threaten to hit my wife.

 

My wife once (in our 12 years together) back handed me in stomach when she was furious

 

We dont know her husband and if this is crossing the line towards physical abuse. But sounds like he needs anger management and he/they need therapy.

[Michelle ma Belle]

Having worked with domestic violence victims, I can tell you that not all abuse looks the same nor does it have to cause a bruise or break a bone. It's about control or lack there of and it instills tremendous fear in the people he's supposed to love and protect.

 

Is your hubby a textbook abuser? I can't comment confidently since I don't know him or your situation in detail. Do I think he has traits of an abuser? I think he has the propensity for it especially since his anger and fits of rage are a one off situation but something that has been ongoing for many years.

 

I understand your fears about leaving him which is why I will encourage you to dig deep and find the courage to tell him how you're feeling and to seek professional marital counselling. He should really get into private counselling to deal with his anger but at this point couple's therapy might be the first step in the right direction.

 

Depending on how he responds to you and your request will be quite telling. If he reacts with anger and frustration and refuses to participate then I think the writing is on the wall with this man and your future. You alone can't save this marriage nor can you change him as much as we all think we can.

 

As for him being a 'good man deep down', that may be very true but how often do you get to see that side of him anymore? Sticking it out with him despite the fact that his goodness is buried deep down and his hot head overshadows everything good in your marriage isn't going change the fact that it isn't working for you, is it?

 

I want to point out a comment you made that I think bares repeating; "he's...an excellent daddy when he tries...". I think you need to really think on this particular statement because it very telling in my humble opinion.

 

Good luck.

Edited December 2, 2016 by Michelle ma Belle

[anika99]

A poster asked if he really was an abuser.

Hell yes. If he can punch his fist through a wall, then he can do more at "Just" the right conditions.

Geoffrey dharma acted like a nice man, but we know what he really was like.

 

 

Others have said, and I agree. You need to take immediate action.

This guy is obviously mad at something. The fact he's taking it out on you, means that he doesn't consider you a person that he loves or respects. He's slowly loosing control I think.

 

 

Take a few days off at your mums, or girl friends house, and let him see what living alone will mean. No contact, so as he can again, see what its like to NOT have someone there.

 

 

Hopefully if he seeks help, or realizes what he's doing, maybe both you can start recovering your feelings for each other.

 

 

Ted

 

How in the world is a man punching a wall comparable to a seriously mentally ill psychopath who had a penchant for cannibalism? Does punching walls lead to eating people?

 

OP in just 4 months you have decided that you don't love your husband anymore and that you can never love him again even though you have tried?

What have you done to try? I mean his anger issues aren't your problem to fix but if you really want to revive your marriage you have to take some action. Have you even communicated with your husband that you no longer love him? Told him that you want him to attend marriage counselling? Just stewing in your feelings isn't going to get anything done.

[NTV]

No, age isn't the catalyst. Its upbringing, friends, and social contacts.

Of course, every person handles pressure and violent moods differently.

 

 

My Father and my brother both raised their hands on their wives.

Both swore at their wives, and my brother swore at my mom, with such anger.

I never swore at my mum, NEVER once, and I have never raised my hand to my wife. Hell, I got angry, but that's it. So, everyone is different.

 

 

Ted.

 

And when you got angry in your twenties did you handle that anger better or worse than in your thirties? Maturity impacts coping mechanisms... at least from what I've seen.

[salem mark]

dump his ass, it will just get much worse

[Superchicken]

And when you got angry in your twenties did you handle that anger better or worse than in your thirties? Maturity impacts coping mechanisms... at least from what I've seen.

 

I handled it the same way I'm doing now.

Yelling, and ranting. BUT, never damaging walls, or property.

The worst I have done, is to slam my utensils, or plates down a little harder than normal.

 

 

Get it right, Punching holes in walls is NOT a good scene to be in with someone. I know I wouldn't feel safe, AND that's the bottom line. FEELING SAFE.

 

 

Of course, and I say this, everyone is a little different in handling anger.

But hey, if you where a butterfly a few years ago, and now turned wasp, then you have changed, and so is possible for some to go even further.

 

 

 

 

Ted