New here [my story may be a little different than most]

[jah526]

First, my condolences on the loss of your mother. Please don't respond to him. Be kind to yourself. This man sexually assaulted you, and he hasn't apologized for his behavior. I encourage you to contact a rape crisis center to sort out your feelings. There is no reason for you to be friends with him.

 

Thanks BTDT2012. I needed the reality check. He is so different at work from outside, polite and soft-spoken, that I tend to forget.

[Superchicken]

A Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, and your Little red Riding Hood.

 

 

You know that every time and I mean EVERYTIME, you start something with him, it ends up bad. So why do it.

 

 

Someone mentioned earlier, you need to talk to friends when you get like this.

I have a friend currently, who is going through an emotional cheating stage.

He calls me nearly everyday, and after a chat, he feels much better.

I really recommend you do the same.

In fact, why not do this, as I really think it may help you. Its silly but works.

Wen you get the urge to need to speak to him in a personal manner, say to yourself "Help me Superchicken".

That should bring a smile and a chuckle, and make you lose concentration on him briefly enough to do something else..

Look at my avatar, as Superchicken is here !. Just don't listen to the theme on youtube ahhh, so damn addictive..

 

 

Remember you need to come first, so keep away from him as much as possible.. If you've done something wrong, say Two hail Mary's and 1 Superchicken.

 

 

Ted.

[Superchicken]

How you been going over the week jah526.

Hope your keeping it together and feeling a little better.

 

 

You've been quite, so hopefully you have been keeping busy.

 

 

Ted.

[jah526]

Hi Superchicken Ted,

 

Thanks for your replies and the advice... will have to keep that one in mind about asking Superchicken for help!

 

I am doing ok this week since I have a week away from this person. I'm discovering how stressed I was and how much I'm able to relax now and sleep. It's a good feeling.

 

Hope you are doing well too. Thanks for your concern.

[Superchicken]

That's great news.

Superchicken cares for all (Except Trump, that prick).

But, all funnies aside, my best friend (For 30 years) is going through a bad patch with his wife (Emotional Cheating with her ex, last seen 20 years ago).

So I know how bad it gets, and help him with chats and taking him out nearly everyday.

 

 

Its not much to do the same for some of you and others on here.

It would be good to read an update post, or how your still coping.

Get you to release a little more, every time you jot something here and read a follow up from us.

 

 

Think of Superchicken (I'm Egging you on I think).

 

 

Read you soon..

 

 

Ted.

[jah526]

I'm wondering if someone can help me understand this behavior. He keeps wanting me to go to the gym with him EVERY SINGLE DAY. This is going to sound weird but I have sleep issues (insomnia) and the gym sometimes makes that worse. Anyway, I went a couple times earlier this week. It was ok except that he seems to want to "fix" me and said something yesterday about me "improving". He also said that if I get muscles he'll be "so crazy for me". So yesterday I said I didn't want to go because I was tired. The meds I take to help me sleep make me kind of sick and groggy. He wasn't happy about that but said ok. Then today he totally lit into me, saying that I could go sit at home and enjoy my life of eat, sleep, and work, repeat. I asked him to let me explain (about the meds) and before I could he started saying I was lazy and making excuses. I mean, WTF? Why is he so adamant about the gym? He completely ignores me while we're there, criticizes me in the car, and then doesn't even want to walk with me from the parking lot to the office.

 

He says he is happy with our "friendship". But he is not happy when I'm not taking care of my health (I think that's BS due the level of anger and contempt from him - goes beyond mere concern). I really don't even know why he wants to be friends with me since it seems that he doesn't even really like me at all.

[DKT3]

I'm wondering if someone can help me understand this behavior. He keeps wanting me to go to the gym with him EVERY SINGLE DAY. This is going to sound weird but I have sleep issues (insomnia) and the gym sometimes makes that worse. Anyway, I went a couple times earlier this week. It was ok except that he seems to want to "fix" me and said something yesterday about me "improving". He also said that if I get muscles he'll be "so crazy for me". So yesterday I said I didn't want to go because I was tired. The meds I take to help me sleep make me kind of sick and groggy. He wasn't happy about that but said ok. Then today he totally lit into me, saying that I could go sit at home and enjoy my life of eat, sleep, and work, repeat. I asked him to let me explain (about the meds) and before I could he started saying I was lazy and making excuses. I mean, WTF? Why is he so adamant about the gym? He completely ignores me while we're there, criticizes me in the car, and then doesn't even want to walk with me from the parking lot to the office.

 

He says he is happy with our "friendship". But he is not happy when I'm not taking care of my health (I think that's BS due the level of anger and contempt from him - goes beyond mere concern). I really don't even know why he wants to be friends with me since it seems that he doesn't even really like me at all.

The question should be why are you still involved with the guy on any level.

[whichwayisup]

I'm wondering if someone can help me understand this behavior. He keeps wanting me to go to the gym with him EVERY SINGLE DAY. This is going to sound weird but I have sleep issues (insomnia) and the gym sometimes makes that worse. Anyway, I went a couple times earlier this week. It was ok except that he seems to want to "fix" me and said something yesterday about me "improving". He also said that if I get muscles he'll be "so crazy for me". So yesterday I said I didn't want to go because I was tired. The meds I take to help me sleep make me kind of sick and groggy. He wasn't happy about that but said ok. Then today he totally lit into me, saying that I could go sit at home and enjoy my life of eat, sleep, and work, repeat. I asked him to let me explain (about the meds) and before I could he started saying I was lazy and making excuses. I mean, WTF? Why is he so adamant about the gym? He completely ignores me while we're there, criticizes me in the car, and then doesn't even want to walk with me from the parking lot to the office.

 

He says he is happy with our "friendship". But he is not happy when I'm not taking care of my health (I think that's BS due the level of anger and contempt from him - goes beyond mere concern). I really don't even know why he wants to be friends with me since it seems that he doesn't even really like me at all.

 

You two are toxic. You two feed off of each other! It's so unhealthy and damaging. You said you had a physical altercation with him at work during lunch break, blasted him through texts and he was rude to you too.

 

Think about what YOU are doing by going to the same gym as him and allowing him to speak to you, let alone allow yourself to be sucked back in. You two are NOT friends.

 

Stop the unhealthy cycle and walk away. Find another gym to join and cut him out of your life.

[aileD]

Why do you even hang out with this jerk?

[jah526]

You two are toxic. You two feed off of each other! It's so unhealthy and damaging. You said you had a physical altercation with him at work during lunch break, blasted him through texts and he was rude to you too.

 

Think about what YOU are doing by going to the same gym as him and allowing him to speak to you, let alone allow yourself to be sucked back in. You two are NOT friends.

 

Stop the unhealthy cycle and walk away. Find another gym to join and cut him out of your life.

 

Good advice. Just one correction - there was never any physical altercation. I meant physical (i.e. sexual) encounter. The (verbal) blowout happened after that.

 

I just want us to be decent to each other. But probably that ship has sailed. Sad because I could honestly do with a good friend.

[whichwayisup]

Good advice. Just one correction - there was never any physical altercation. I meant physical (i.e. sexual) encounter. The (verbal) blowout happened after that.

 

I just want us to be decent to each other. But probably that ship has sailed. Sad because I could honestly do with a good friend.

 

Re read your whole thread and ask yourself why you want a friend like him?

 

You want a good friend, seek out women friends, or bond with the ones you do have.

[Superchicken]

I would lean towards him wanting to see you as much as possible. Thus wanting you to go to Gym.

I wouldn't read too much into him shaping you, as I believe that's more of a "Ego" boost to himself, that he can make you look "Hot", or sexy.

 

 

I would basically do very similar things as this guy, if I wanted to keep a girl I liked, from seeing anyone else. Get you busy and tired.

Or maybe, he has a different motive..

 

 

But, as the previous posts mentioned, why are you two still tight ...

 

 

Ted.

[BTDT2012]

Good advice. Just one correction - there was never any physical altercation. I meant physical (i.e. sexual) encounter. The (verbal) blowout happened after that.

 

I just want us to be decent to each other. But probably that ship has sailed. Sad because I could honestly do with a good friend.

 

Please cut all contact with this abusive monster. Friends are people you can depend on, who see the best in you and want the best for you. Please, please seek out a therapist.

[jah526]

I hope it is ok to just keep updating the thread I started.

 

Went for an interview today. I was so nervous last night I didn't sleep well. Decided to take the day off. I was so glad I made it through - it was tough, and I wasn't perfect, but I did it. And I did it despite this guy's insults last week, telling me I'm lazy and it's impossible for me to achieve. Self-esteem got a boost today, and I feel good about that. I am trying to find a way out, trying to find something good for myself.

 

Just wanted to share that.

[Superchicken]

Keep posting till doomsday if you like.

Its good to see you're doing well.

Sounds that you have enough confidence to move on, and start again.

 

 

One day at a time, and socialize as much as you can with friends so you don't get to feel bad again.

 

 

Lastly, as you so well put it, "I did it despite this guy's insults last week, telling me I'm lazy and it's impossible for me to achieve".

Yes my dear, you did do it.

I'd be proud of that alone.

 

 

So, keep them coming if you feel the need.

 

 

Ted.

[jah526]

Update. So he and I have been getting along better. I've gone to the gym with him. But I've also noticed that the talk has been turning again to the friends with benefits idea. Yesterday we had a long discussion about this and he basically gave me an ultimatum - either we do the friends with benefits thing or we have to take separate cars to the gym. I didn't answer him right away, thought about it last night and this morning.

 

This morning I texted him and said that he was right, we can't be alone together. He agreed. But then he did his usual bait and switch thing later in the conversation and said we should go together, that he was feeling strong. I said I wasn't. I took it one step further, decided to be a little manipulative myself, and said I can't be around him for awhile. Told him I'd let him know about the gym if and when I'm ready. He was ok with this, as I flattered his ego, intimating he was too irresistible to be around. I know it's not as good as a permanent closure, but I was actually proud of myself for not caving as I normally do.

 

I just really want to say I'm grateful for the information I'm getting on this forum. It is helping me see the truth... so I just wanted to say thank you.

[jah526]

Also a good friend yelled at me last night, saying both of us were in the wrong. I said, "I am too?" and he said yes, because I wasn't ending it. Then I knew what I had to do. I don't want to lose my friend of 15 years over this stupidity.

[jacxie]

I read it and can't believe what I see... This guy is more toxic than my dog's poop. Why are you still involved with him? You are worth more than that!!!! I get you need someone's attention, but him?? This ridiculously selfish prick! Find yourself a good man, please... and stay away from this jerk! I can't even find words to express my opinion about this guy.

 

Oh, and go counselling. This should help you in many ways. Actually, the best option for you is a group therapy (cognitive behavioral). I'm seeing serious issues here.

[jah526]

Oh, and go counselling. This should help you in many ways. Actually, the best option for you is a group therapy (cognitive behavioral). I'm seeing serious issues here.

 

Yep this seems to be the general consensus. Have been to many counselors in the past but never stayed long enough I guess. Guess it's time to give it another go.

[jacxie]

Councelling it's a lot different than psychotherapy. You should try this.

[Birdies]

This guy is SUCH a jerk!!! I mean, I hate it when women are stuck in abusive relationships with men who treat them like shlt. And you two aren't even in a relationship! He's just some random abusive jerk who basically raped you and continues to treat you like shlt! There is NO reason to have a "friend" like this. None at all.

 

You did a great job telling him you don't want to be around him for a while, even if it did boost his ego or whatever. Now just start disengaging... every time you see him, chat for a few seconds and then say "Well I have to go do XXX" and walk away. Ignore most of his texts. NO MORE GYM!

 

And I agree with the therapy recommendation. Please do that - this is such an unhealthy dynamic and it would be good to work on why/how you are letting yourself continue to see this jerk.

[jacxie]

Please keep us updated.

[seren]

Jah, firstly, I am sorry to hear about your loss, losing a parent is so very hard. x

I want to say this, reading your posts, it sounds like you are disconnected emotionally from what is really happening with this man, it sounds like a very unhealthy relationship, he needs to dominate you to feel powerful and in charge and it sounds like you are feeding that and in the process losing a little bit of you and your self esteem each time he treats you badly. Do you feel guilt about anything? Do you feel you do not deserve a loving relationship? and what have your other relationships been like? Is there a pattern where you accept such poor behaviour from someone who is supposed to want the best of things for you?

 

I would ask myself, is this what I want from a relationship, is this what a good, loving relationship looks like, I don't see what you are gaining from this. He sounds like an ass**** who is a bit like a parasite and is feeding off your need. I would say that I don't quite understand the attraction toward a man who is obviously in it for the power rather than the emotion. You sound almost resigned to this relationship and that you understand quite well that it isn't right, but are waiting for it to change. I am sorry, but once the ground rules are set, a relationship is unlikely to change.

 

I think you need time to grieve your loss, grief can present itself in lots of weird ways, take time to mourn your Mum. Ask yourself what a good relationship looks like and then if this is it. If it isn't, and it certainly doesn't sound like it is, then why do you stay and why do you need to want him to change, he sounds happy enough being a total dickhead and you are enabling him to treat you this way. It is unlikely he will value you and everyone deserves to be valued.

 

I hope you don't continue to passively accept such crap behaviour from anyone, the most important relationship anyone has is with themselves. If this isn't working, stop trying to fix it, walk away, wait for someone who values you as you want to be valued, sounds like you don't value you very much at the moment. x

[Foreverago]

Do you realize what he did from the start is full on sexual assault and he could've been arrested for the grabbing you by the neck and forcing himself on you? Imagine him doing that to some stranger on the street. It's not any different just because you knew him from work.

 

Have you ever been in contact with the group Rainn? They can get you started with some help for the sexual violence you were victim to.

 

You are different from other people here, you are not a willing mistress. That man is a predator. This is an entirely different situation. I mean this as gently and caring as possible, but you need to get help from a safe place.

[jah526]

Seren,

 

Thank you for your heartfelt response. I am actually in tears after reading it. I've read a little of your story and wow, you seem like a strong woman.

 

I don't know that I have simple answers to any of your questions. It would probably take a lot of therapy to figure all this out, and I believe that's where I'm headed. I think I've found someone good actually, although I haven't made an appointment yet due to the fact that she's been out of town. I'm thinking I might print out this whole thread and take it to her to read.

 

I can tell you that I've been bullied a lot in my life. In school, and also in my home life. I'm a quiet, reserved person and so I guess I am an easy target. My mother was the most important person in my life but I had a complicated relationship with her. She was a star in her profession, very charismatic and admired by many. My role was to be a support, and I guess somewhere along the line I learned to suppress my own needs and desires.

 

As to why I am attracted to this man... there is a physical attraction. Beyond that, I am not sure. Both of us are lonely in our own ways, I think. I do believe he is (at least) a narcissist, as someone above mentioned, and maybe being someone's supply makes me feel wanted, needed. I know it is sick and unhealthy.

 

I am taking steps to get away from him. I am trying to be around people who treat me well, even though these relationships don't have the excitement (drama, I guess) of the one with him.

 

I am honestly so grateful for the support in this forum. It is opening my eyes to a lot of things. Mostly that I need help to unpack a lot of this stuff.