New here [my story may be a little different than most]

[Foreverago]

How are you holding up, jah?

[jah526]

Right, first off please let me you are still alive as this man is DANGEROUS??! Please get out now, this man will start psychologically abusing you until you think it is something wrong with you. He has no qualms about attacking you physically. Please run from him now, and report him to the police, as this guy will end up killing you GUARANTEED!

 

Don't mean to scare you, but if this is not a troll post, please get out now for your own safety!

 

Thanks for your concern. I'm still alive and this isn't a troll post.

 

How are you holding up, jah?

 

Have been kind of embarrassed to post here because I feel ridiculous for still being in contact with this guy when literally everyone is telling me to stay away from him. I don't really see how I can do that anyway since he and I work together.

 

He messaged me a couple of days ago after a week of no contact. I had come back early from my Christmas vacation due to some issues at home. I was so lonely yesterday I invited him for lunch. He was in a down mood, and nothing really happened between us, some touching but mostly talking. Basically a lot of it was him talking about how neither of us is getting our needs met, and what things I need to do to better myself so I can attract someone else (a recurring theme). Part of me thinks he is trying to help me in his own weird way. About a week ago I told him that I thought I was addicted to him, and he said he could help me with that by being around me and resisting, which I thought was pretty weird.

 

Today was better. I actually apologized to him for inviting him over, that I was being selfish due to being lonely, like a lot of my behavior over the past year. A little while later though he told me he might come by for lunch. I told him I didn't think that was a good idea. He said ok, but a couple hours later tried to guilt me into inviting him again. Instead I met him for coffee. I also asked him not to give me any more advice and he agreed.

 

I know that loneliness and boredom are my triggers. I kept myself busy today, getting to the list of things that I've been needing to get to for a long time. And I think it really helped boost my self-esteem. I'm trying to just be aware of what helps and what hurts these days.

 

I'm not sure what his issues are. Sometimes I think he may be bipolar. I think both of us are struggling with loneliness and some mental issues. I think I can still have some compassion while maintaining a physical distance. And I've still got the appointment with the counselor.

[jennifernyc84]

I've started to believe that all men are somewhat bipolar, jah.

 

Jk..

[jah526]

I just wanted to say happy new year to everyone on this forum! I'm really grateful for all the advice I've been given from the supportive people here. Though it may not seem like it, I am taking it to heart. I was able to say no to him yesterday, though the addictive part of me was saying "why not?", so I am proud of myself for that. One day at a time.

 

I'm sorry foreverago felt the need to take a break, though I get it. I'm hoping I can come back here at some point and be one of the ones who gets to the other side. I believe I'm most of the way there actually, but I'm not going to say "ok, I'm done" and then backslide, because I hate that feeling. I'm just going to take it a day at a time.

 

I'm also keeping myself busy with other projects and that takes my mind off of things. My indoor garden is making me unreasonably happy! I love being able to watch things grow.

[jah526]

NC is the only way to go.

 

Today was the latest round of abuse.

 

Five minutes ago I changed my phone number (and it was so easy - only took about 2 minutes).

 

I feel like a giant weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

[HeCantBreakMe]

NC is the only way to go.

 

Today was the latest round of abuse.

 

Five minutes ago I changed my phone number (and it was so easy - only took about 2 minutes).

 

I feel like a giant weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

 

Good for you!!!!

[jah526]

Not doing well at all today. Been looking at his FB (I'm not a friend but he posts some things publicly). He seems to have blithely moved on. Still avoiding him at work and he can't contact me anymore through the phone. He's still parking next to me at work though (we get in at different times).

 

Why can't I remember the bad stuff and how horrible that felt? Why am I only thinking of how nice it was lying beside him with his arms around me? God, this sucks. I even went to a counseling appointment today and that seemed to trigger me.

[Poppy47]

ONe day you will see all the horrible things.

 

As time goes by when you are in NC, you will remember stuff your brain didn't want to recognise at the time. It comes as a shock, some of it, and you wonder what you were thinking to miss so many significant things.

 

Poppy.

[whichwayisup]

Time for you to read this, opening post.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/coping/337989-no-contact-nc-guide-long-walk-consolidated-discussion

[jennifernyc84]

Hey Jah,

 

It seems like it's been a tough week for all of us.

 

I haven't been doing so well myself. And come to think of it, it was after a counseling appointment that I felt, as you put it, triggered. I guess it's the focusing so much on him that makes us miss them maybe. I don't know but trying to train my mind to not think of him.

 

Anyway, whatever you do, don't break NC. It will only set you back farther and make the pain come back 10 times as much and prolong it. I've made the mistake a few times and I've wanted to call him today but fought it.

 

I felt way to pathetic to myself when I found myself thinking "I'll just call to hear him say hello than hang up", like really? I honestly felt like a heroin addict looking for just a little hit. I could've just sat on the line listening to him breath and be happy (that actually sounds kinda hot) lol kidding!!!

 

But seriously, it's not worth setting yourself back just to make the hurt last longer.

 

Come on Jah, we gotta be strong for each other. If a pathetic sap like me can do it, I'm more than sure you can!

[HeCantBreakMe]

Maybe something was in the water yesterday- it was just a bad day all around.

 

But Jah STOP looking at his facebook. NC is also mental and includes social media. It sets you back even if you think you can handle it -you cannot. Just block him and his wife.

[jah526]

Maybe something was in the water yesterday- it was just a bad day all around.

 

But Jah STOP looking at his facebook. NC is also mental and includes social media. It sets you back even if you think you can handle it -you cannot. Just block him and his wife.

 

Thank you for the suggestion and I did just that this morning!

[jah526]

 

Anyway, whatever you do, don't break NC. It will only set you back farther and make the pain come back 10 times as much and prolong it. I've made the mistake a few times and I've wanted to call him today but fought it.

 

 

Thanks Jen. I'm also a Jen, funnily enough.

 

I won't break NC since I don't want him to know my new phone number. That's the main reason I changed it, so I wouldn't even be tempted to text him.

 

Mine lasted only 7 months... 4 years I can't even imagine. You are one tough gal. Just remember that.

[HeCantBreakMe]

Thank you for the suggestion and I did just that this morning!

 

Good job! you will be tempted to unblock but dont- no good comes of that and you have to wait 48 hours to reblock and that sucks..

[jennifernyc84]

Thanks Jen. I'm also a Jen, funnily enough.

 

I won't break NC since I don't want him to know my new phone number. That's the main reason I changed it, so I wouldn't even be tempted to text him.

 

Mine lasted only 7 months... 4 years I can't even imagine. You are one tough gal. Just remember that.

 

4 years wasted. It's a crying shame. I'm glad it's over tbh. I hate the way I feel right now but I'm glad that I'm free. I felt like a dirty secret. It was taking a toll on me and I didn't even know it.

 

I don't feel very strong. I'm trying to be but it's hard.

 

You guys here are amazing. So supportive and uplifting. It's so great having someone you can relate to. There aren't a whole lot of OW in my group of friends lol.

 

It's nice to know I'm not alone. We're in this together, Jen.

[jah526]

ONe day you will see all the horrible things.

 

As time goes by when you are in NC, you will remember stuff your brain didn't want to recognise at the time. It comes as a shock, some of it, and you wonder what you were thinking to miss so many significant things.

 

Poppy.

 

Yep, it's already happening. I feel like such an idiot. Saw him walking into the building with another lady today. I'm sure he's working on finding his next victim. I have a feeling he's done this before. His poor wife... I wonder if she knows who she is married to.

[Poppy47]

Yep, it's already happening. I feel like such an idiot. Saw him walking into the building with another lady today. I'm sure he's working on finding his next victim. I have a feeling he's done this before. His poor wife... I wonder if she knows who she is married to.

 

Probably not. xMM cheated with me for 8 years and to my knowledge, his wife never had a clue.

8 years is a long period of time to live a double life. I guess they are born manipulators.

 

Poppy.

[HeCantBreakMe]

Probably not. xMM cheated with me for 8 years and to my knowledge, his wife never had a clue.

8 years is a long period of time to live a double life. I guess they are born manipulators.

 

Poppy.

 

Either that or just really good at compartmentalization. I have no idea how an 8 year affair cannot do something to your psych. Do you think those that never had a D-day suffer any sort of remorse or guilt?

[jah526]

This guy is a self-described player and he has told me his wife has had to tell him to quit hitting on her friends. I just wonder if she knows he has done more than that. Blech.

[jennifernyc84]

Well let's not blame it all on the guys. We are just as guilty as they are.

 

I've stated more than once that I never felt any remorse for him wife but that doesn't mean I've never felt bad about having an affair.

 

It's not a title I'd be happy to put on my reputation. It's all around wrong. There is absolutely no right in it at all

[jah526]

Well let's not blame it all on the guys. We are just as guilty as they are.

 

Yep, that blech was for me too. I should've been stronger, and smarter. Lessons learned - the hard way, as usual.

[jah526]

I feel like I'm being the cruelest person on earth with this NC stuff. To both of us. I miss his companionship badly. Not the sex, the friendship. Not sleeping well and I am so lonely at work. Maybe I overreacted by changing my phone number.

 

I got a notification yesterday from the online game that we play that he had challenged me. I'm not even sure how that's getting through since I've been using a different login.

 

I feel like a terrible person.

[whichwayisup]

I feel like I'm being the cruelest person on earth with this NC stuff. To both of us. I miss his companionship badly. Not the sex, the friendship. Not sleeping well and I am so lonely at work. Maybe I overreacted by changing my phone number.

 

I got a notification yesterday from the online game that we play that he had challenged me. I'm not even sure how that's getting through since I've been using a different login.

 

I feel like a terrible person.

 

Read this and realize that HE is the terrible person. You have to stay in NC and don't feel bad about hurting him. Trust me, you're not hurting his heart, maybe his ego but not his feelings at all.

 

You said in your first post

And I let him into my apartment. He was suddenly like a different person, using language I'd never heard him use before. He told me he just wanted a **** buddy. So this is where my story differs I think from the others on here - he never pretended that he loved or cared for me. What happened next was sort of like an attack, and before I knew it we were both naked and he was attempting sex. I told him no and he stopped.

 

Stupidly, I let this guy into my apartment a few more times, but managed somehow to prevent us from having sex. On the night before I was supposed to leave to be with my mother who was starting chemotherapy (which he knew about), he grabbed my neck and forced me down on him. He then stood up and forced himself in further. I was so upset I couldn't travel the next day. My mother died a week later.

 

When I returned several weeks later I tried to explain to him how I really hadn't enjoyed that and he knew I hadn't wanted to do it because of previous times I'd said no. He said this was all "bs stuff". During most of our visits he spent time telling me everything that was wrong with my physical appearance and how much better looking the other women at work were than me. He said I should try to emulate them.

 

After this point, things became like a rollercoaster. I'd try to stay away and then feel like I was being unnecessarily cruel, and go back to try to be "friends". We ended up having a few more encounters since he learned that a softer approach worked better with me.

 

I never expected this man to leave his wife. He has told me he loves her, but he just needs "other women's pussies". I am extremely attracted to him, even though he treats me badly. Lately he's been trying to impress a younger, cuter girl at work and I told him that it makes me feel bad. His response to that was "we're done" and I have jealousy issues and I need to go work on myself. He tells me I'm crazy and too negative and I take things too seriously.

 

I don't understand what it is you miss about him? Or is it just how he made you feel? He's an awful person. Really ask yourself why you want him. Why you miss him.

 

Please work on your self esteem and do counseling to help you be healthy and happy.

[jennifernyc84]

I feel like I'm being the cruelest person on earth with this NC stuff. To both of us. I miss his companionship badly. Not the sex, the friendship. Not sleeping well and I am so lonely at work. Maybe I overreacted by changing my phone number.

 

I got a notification yesterday from the online game that we play that he had challenged me. I'm not even sure how that's getting through since I've been using a different login.

 

I feel like a terrible person.

 

Oh god, jah, I was feeling the same way. Especially after I heard of his promotion. I felt compelled to call and congratulate him. Thank goodness I fought that feeling.

 

The truth is, you're feeling cruel, but you're actually being kind to yourself by shutting him out. It feels good in the moment, I know. But talking to him will only be worse in the long run.

 

We gotta stop looking for those quick hits. Just a little peak here and there has never hurt anyone, right? Wrong! It it does hurt someone. Guess who? US!!

 

You and me, jah, we are one and the same. But like iron sharpens iron, we gotta help each other out.

 

I've felt lifeless and dull without him too. I snooped and saw, and now I'm unhappy again. It's a cycle. Wash, rinse, repeat.

 

We know what we ought to do, getting up and doing it is the hard part.

 

Stop thinking you're being cruel by not talking to him. That's crazy talk.

[jah526]

Thanks guys for talking me down from the ledge. Feeling better now.

 

Obviously my feelings are really confused about this guy. And yes he was very aggressive at first. He claims he was nervous. But he also told me I'm his best friend and he would always be there for me. I can hear everyone saying actions over words right now. The counselor said she thinks that the reason I'm so attracted to him is because his abusive treatment feels familiar to me. Pretty sad if that's the case.